Tag: mental health

Messy (Daily Prompt)

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Never has a word fitted me more than the word, messy.

Messy is my head. Messy is my bed. Messy is my life.

Nothing ever seems to be in any order. And usually when I try to organise ‘things’ into some kind of order, I make things worse. Now, I know, that people say that things tend to get worse before they get better. But that doesn’t really help. Not when I find myself struggling to function without changing things. It’s almost like those old cartoons where a leak comes in, and by trying to stop it, another starts, and then another. It doesn’t take much for things to fall apart. After all, one person can only do so much.

I have too many things jammed in my closet. But to clear out the closet, every item, every bad decision, every failure has to come to the fore. Every thing begs for attention, and when you have been papering over the cracks, those things can make those cracks start to crumble away. Within an instant, it can feel like those battles you have been fighting, for most of your life, are lost all at once. It is insanely difficult to recover from that.

via Daily Prompt: Mess

Multi- Media Anxiety

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Oh, these days are magical. You can communicate with someone on the other side of the world, as easy as you can communicate with your pal down the road. The internet has truly made the world smaller. Which is great.

Until you have a problem with anxiety.

Now, I have a job, and I am studying a university course, and people doubt that I can have any problems whilst doing those things. I can be okay when I am in a routine, when there is something I can focus on. I have this awful fear of disappointing people. So, when it comes to work, the point of disappointment is not attending work, so that someone else has to do my job. It’s this idea that I am letting someone down, and it is something that can make me panic and have sleepless nights.

This brings me to social media messaging. If I know the person well, I can message back fine. Usually. The problem is, that I assume that whatever expectancy someone has, I am just going to fail. I feel like a ‘wet blanket’, that I am just going to bring someone ‘down’. Like, other people are busy having lives, and I am still here, stuck in my own head. So, sometimes I am messaged by people, and my mind trips me up over the obligation to message back. And I panic, I worry, and I find it hard to reply.

Of course, that isn’t the case all the time. But when it does, I feel like my lack of reply has created an issue. That I have offended someone by my own inability to do something so trivial. The thing is, people do take offence. I have had people get grumpy with me, thinking that I have ignored them, without them being aware that I spend hours of my life worrying about a small message. Writing it out, it does seem really stupid. But that is anxiety, something so silly and stupid, but something I can’t seem to help.

So, if you message someone, and they don’t message back, try not to give them a hard time. It can be hard being so connected to the internet and to the world all the time. It is easy to get overwhelmed. Everyone may reach the point where they need to switch off their phone and have some downtime. And it is okay. It really is.

Happy 2018

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

The annual ‘first post of the year’ is here. Already. I like to reflect on things and plan ahead, the start of a new calendar year seems like the perfect time to do that.

2017, wasn’t as bad a year as some other recent years have been. It’s the first year, where I feel like I started taking my mental and physical health more seriously. I spent time in the gym, which helped a lot. And I also learnt to step back when things become hard, not to force myself into goals which are stressing me out more than they should. This is something that happens A LOT, thanks to the fact I overthink things. And I think that has helped me so much. It means that despite crashing my first car, not progressing anywhere (eg career or otherwise) and losing contact with old friends, I still ended 2017 optimistically. Which is a nice change.

Looking forward, i think I may stick to the same tactic as before. Where I didn’t keep actual resolutions, just general broad goals. I would like to do better at losing weight, keep on track with uni work, do overtime, get a new car, get a place of my own… the list can go on a bit. So I am prioritising things, and the main ones are focusing on my health and doing the work I need to do for uni. Everything else, I would like to happen, but I won’t feel to down if it doesn’t. Things happen in baby steps after all.

My 2017 was better than 2016, so all I want is for 2018 to be better again. And that’s all I wish for anybody out there. Happy new year.

Happy Blogmas

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

Okay… I know a lot of people who film a video every day in the run up to Christmas, in something called ‘Vlogmas’. So, because I have fell off the bandwagon with writing, I decided to join this gimmicky little fad.

I am very good at starting these kind of challenges, but not too great at the delivery. And when I have attempted these kind of things previously, I have completely failed after a couple of days.

I have been busy, studying and working, alas not having a life. But I am in a good place. Which is fairly odd. I don’t really know what to say when things are going well. I feel like I have nothing to add to any conversation. But that’s not true, not really. I have said it before, but it is important to document good moments, as well as bad, so that you can focus on the better things. I have always had a habit on focusing on the bad, so maybe this can be a month of goodness.

Can always hope. But we are officially in Christmas month, and I like this time of year. Everyone seems to be a little happier, and that is nice. It’s a time to celebrate, so maybe that’s a good time to learn to recognise the good stuff life gives out.

Study Hard

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

The last time I tried to do education and work together, I kind of failed. I got very stressed, and struggled to do almost everything. It was the time in my life, when I really began to get effected by mental health issues. I think, the development of mental health issues, made it really hard to focus on stuff. So working full time, and studying full time did not work for me. It is no wonder, as I barely left myself with time to function.

Last month I started an IT course through the Open University. Something I was very scared to do, after the last time I did any proper education. The good thing about the Open University, is that you can study at a time more suitable to yourself. Which is handy, especially at this time of year. My work is focusing on the run-up to Christmas, which is always fun, but can also be stressful. Lots of temporary workers come in, so that we can meet customer demand, and it can get a little crazy. The good thing about it, is overtime. Which is really good, when I am trying to clear my feet, financially, before the end of the year. So, I end up working extra days, which means that I have to change when I study. The University information on the course, says I should have to spend 10 hours, or so, a week on studying. Which is perfectly manageable.

The good thing about doing this new course, is that it has given me a bit of focus. All the information you have to work through, is split into smaller chapters, which makes it a lot easier to work through. Like, tonight, I was able to relax, and then study a couple of sections. Because I can break everything down into steps, it is helping me keep on track in getting all necessary tasks completed on time.

It’s nice to feel like you are working towards something.

(No) Good Times

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

I am dealing with a few issues at the moment. Issues I don’t even want to think about, let alone try to discuss them. It is almost as if ignoring something, will make it disappear. In my 33 years on this planet, you’d think I would have learnt, that’s not how things work. Doesn’t seem to stop me from trying to forget things happening.

I am trying though. I am trying to act like an adult, and do the ‘right thing’. The problem is, that the ‘right thing’ is never a clear decision, there is no road map pointing you in the right direction. You have to make the choice all by yourself, but it isn’t easy. The ‘right thing’ for me, is to try and work overtime because I have a lot of money to pay towards things. Things like bills, which nobody likes, but everyone has to pay.

I think, in the past, I found it really easy to blame my mental health. I get bad anxiety, so I am not paying my bills, is not a good excuse. Unfortunately, that is how I felt. Buying things made me feel better, but ultimately something else would be missed, and I’d feel worse again. And when you get into one of these cycles, life can get very hard, very fast. It becomes very easy to get overwhelmed, and when that happens I ‘lock myself off’. I don’t tell anyone anything, I ignore things that I shouldn’t, and just want to hide away from the world. As if the bad stuff will just disappear.

Recently, my mind has been going to places that it hasn’t been to in a few years. It is a place where I compare myself to those around me, and I always come off worst. Which is a hard position to be in. It’s hard to feel better about yourself, when everyone else you know seems to be about 10 steps ahead of you. How do you find the energy to keep going?

I am dealing with things day-by-day. I set out a plan, which I don’t achieve entirely, but it usually gets me moving. It is a difference between getting out and doing something, anything, and wallowing in bed. This blog has probably been the most productive I have been in a while. As I always write about my feelings, but it leaves me at a loss when I am trying to avoid what’s in my head.

People like to say that mental health issues effect mostly young people. Maybe that’s when a lot of people start getting issues, but it doesn’t just stop once you reach a certain age. It continues on, and most people learn to live with a condition. However, like any other illness people can suffer from, mental health problems come and go. Or they do with me anywhere. Depression is a dark rain cloud that is always floating behind me, anxiety is the rain that can be either nothing, a shower or a complete downpour. And right now, it feels like a downpour. Like, my mind is flooded, and I am treading water just to stay afloat.

Sometimes, a road map of life would be great.

Breaking The Habit

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

I have been really bad at keeping my habits over the last few months. That includes everything like drawing, reading, writing and going to the gym. It is frustrating, because these are all things that help with my mental health, and keeps me calmer. However, when you can’t even stomach doing those things, it is horrible.

When you stop doing something, it can become hard to get back into it again. I can’t speak for others, but I know with myself, that I see the breaking of a habit as a failure. It seems pretty stupid, but is just how my brain is wired. It starts to cause a problem when I want to restart a particular thing, especially if it was something that was habitual before. Because I attach the feeling of failure, to something and feel so bad about, I am natural hesitant to try and start something up again, as I could fail again. For years, I feel like I have stopped doing things because I fear the worse could happen. Which is a bit sad.

The one thing about myself, which is good, is that I am pretty stubborn. So, I will try to get back into habits that I haven’t been able to keep. This means, I could type up a word post, but become too anxious to post it. Or I try to draw something, and get so irritated, the attempted creation ends up in the bin. It’s like, I try, but I worry too much. Which I have acknowledged before on here. But it is one thing picking up what is wrong, it is another thing to be able to do something about it.

The most important thing, is to never give up. Having a break from things is okay, you can get consistency again if you really want to.

Hopes for the future

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I remember leaving school. I remember preparing for leaving school. I remember waiting for my exam results. Visiting colleges. The dreaded fear as I counted down the final days.

My aim, was to be a Veterinary Nurse, as I wanted to help animals. I tried so hard. But whilst I was studying in Glasgow, I started to develop anxiety. Whilst I had an issue with depression at school, college is where it smashed me in the face. It got harder and harder to continue on. Eventually I failed an exam to get on the next year, and had to get a job in a shop. Which was okay, but I didn't get on with my manager. My anxiety lead to a fear of standing still. If I stood still, then the fact that I failed as a Vet Nurse would catch up.

So I thought about what I wanted to do, as a life. And even as a kid, I either wanted to do art or something with animals. So, I tried animals, so i thought I'd try something more arty. This time I went to a local college to try Art and then Graphic Design. To support this, I left the shop and went to work in a call centre in the evenings. The ambition was there, but at this stage (my 20s) I still hadn't got any help with my mental heal issues. I speak about them, because I can see they were there, when I am looking back. It was whilst I was at college and the call centre that i eventually sought out help. I struggled with college, so I eventually ended up just going full time at the call centre. But I struggled.

Eventually, I was paid off from the call centre for underperforming. Which was hard. But I was so anxious, that I felt I was a burden to everyone around me. I couldn't sleep before work, and I would frequently end up in tears during the shift. Although I was in despair at the time, I didn't realise how much I hated the job till I never had to go back. I spent about 6 months, whilst looking for jobs, learning how to look after myself. I was in the worst mental state I had been in through my whole life. I was self-harming and didn't want to live. I only saw what I had failed at, and wanted to give up.

I spent time with friends and family, made effort, found the things that made me happy again. And about 4 years ago, I applied for a job at a local warehouse. A job I was permanent in after 12 weeks, and that I am still at. I work long shifts, but short weeks, and this has enabled me the time I needed to continue to work on myself. And it helped. I like my job, I like the people I work with, but I still feel I could do more. So I applied to the Open University to do an IT course. I have always been interested in computers, so it would be interesting. And because I have healthier ways of dealing with any mental health issues, I think I am more prepared than before, to work on a course.

I guess that is my message of this post. What you may have in mind for your career might not pan out. But it is no reason to give up. There are so many pathways available to you, so try not to lose awareness of that. Not everyone gets lucky at their first career choice, but something is there for you. I mean, IT might hot be the thing for me, but life is too short to not try.

Heavy

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

There isn’t very much to say today. In the last half hour or so I learnt the news that Chester Bennington, from Linkin Park, killed himself. I rarely get super upset over famous people dying, but this seems to hit home really hard.

Linkin Park were a bit like Blink 182, where they opened a door to other music. I have memories of having my personal CD player in my school bag with Hybrid Theory in it. Complaining that it jumped when I tried to walk anywhere. I bought every album by Linkin Park. Throughout their 7 studio albums, the band became chameleons, doing the music that made them happy. A big part of the music I now listen to, and the kind of person I am comes from Linkin Park. Chester was a hero to millions around the world, but that doesn’t stop mental health problems.

If you feel alone, or just a bit lost, please speak to someone. I write this blog as a way to get my issues out of my head, but I have also relied on others. I find it hard speaking to friends, so services came into mind. There is always someone willing to listen, you are not alone.

Service that helped me was the Samaritans.

UK & Ireland: The Samaritans call free on 116 123

(If anyone reading this has services which helped them in their country, please comment below and I’ll add to this post.)

Constantly

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

I have talked on here before about my mental health. It started off with depression when I was at school, and as I got older, depression’s friend anxiety came along to the party. I always found it really hard to find information on what other people went through with their own mental health experience. Because, I wanted to find someone that I could relate to, which helped me deal with my own issues. The problem is, that when I first started having issues, all the information was very medical journal- like, and there was no personality. So, a while ago, I thought I would post my pondering about my own mental health. It seemed an obvious thing to do, as maybe other people would find solace in the mental health related nonsense I would write about. And it also helped.

Doesn’t really help with physical health though. Over the last month, I have damaged the ligament in my foot (AGAIN!), got diagnosed with anemia and got a horrific head cold (and hideous cough) which refuses to budge. It just feels like it has been one thing after another. Which is exhausting. The thing is, whilst I have been trying to make myself comfortable in talking about my mental health, when I get physically sick I kind of feel different. Sounds odd, but let me explain. I feel kind of embarrassed. Mostly, because the most common times my physical health issues happen, are at work. Because if I feel shit on a day off, I will just keep myself in solitary confinement. But at work, I have to tell my manager, who then gives me a look of annoyance that I have something else which is slowing me down at work. I have people tell me to take time of, on the sick, to recover. But, I feel like sick pay is for when I REALLY can’t get to work. Some sneezing or limping about, may slow me down, but they don’t stop me from working.

I think, I suffer more under anxiety and depression. Which is hard to explain. I think that when I am physically ill, I have the willpower to keep going (or trying). I may have to take breaks, or go to get an ice pack, but I feel I can deal with those. Whereas, if I feel worthless, I can’t even get out of bed. But when my ankle was swollen up at its worst, I forced myself out of bed, and carried on. I think, that if others are like that, can push through physical barriers of sickness or pain, then that is maybe why they don’t understand mental health issues. It is your stubborn brain that makes your carry on when you are sick, but with mental health, your brain has kind of got a flat tire and stops completely. It is hard.

But everything has been one after another, recently, and I’d just like a break. Just time to feel better, and get back to the gym. I am planning on looking into eating better, and seeing how it helps my general health. Because, right now, I have a new thing wrong every week. Do you know what would be helpful. A function like on my PC, where I can restore things back to where everything worked. That may be quite a bit back though.