Tag: mental health

Nothing To Say

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

When you create online content as a hobby, it can get very frustrating when you can’t create. Because everything I do online, be it blogging, video creating or art related things, is a method to help me deal with mental health, sometimes it gets a bit hard. The words I write down don’t sound right, or I can’t draw what I am feeling. It feels really stifling.

When I get like that, I feel stupid, because the things that are meant to relax me, aren’t. And I get really panicky and anxious, because what kind of person can’t write a few paragraphs or draw a picture. And I feel awful. The only way I can get out of that negative state of mind, is to do something else. Recently that has been jumping in my wee car and going for a drive. I always end up at the beach, somewhere.

That’s were I am right now. Listening to the waves, smelling the sea air and reading a new book. I feel super relaxed. I am going to try and go back into my schedule of posting 3 days a week. But if I miss out a few days, or weeks, it might be that I am struggling with my mental health. And that’s okay. I just felt I should share.

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A lot of people read my posts via Facebook, who have decided they shall no longer share posts automatically with personal profiles. This means I will have to post manually, or create a ‘page’ for myself, as it still works with there. And that is frustrating in itself because Facebook wants you to pay to promote your posts to your own followers. It’s a pain. And I don’t know what to do about it yet.

Know Yourself

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

Every day, things happen that push your personal boundaries. It doesn’t have to be anything too different from ‘the norm’ for you to feel any strain from the situation. Not for me anyway. I can find pressure in situations that are completely calm and contain no pressure. I think it is the way that my brain is wired.

I have problems with anxiety, which I have discussed before, and sometimes situations can make me on edge. Today, for example, I was the ‘designated driver’. It wasn’t anything specific that made that choice, went into town with the family, and it was my car we took. Which is fine. But there it was Highland Games day in Burntisland, so I drove down there, family in tow, to have a wee walk around. We ended up in the pub, and as the driver, I obviously couldn’t drink. Which is fine, I don’t have to drink all the time. But, the pubs were heaving. It was really warm, and room temperature diet coke wasn’t really helping. People kept bashing against me, and it was making me really anxious. People we knew came in, and it didn’t really help. I was needing some fresh air away from the crowds, I could myself starting to panic.

My family, being who they are, were like ‘We’ll come too’. So everyone went outside, and it was okay. We drove home, and I had no panic attack. But, then the rest of the family wanted to go to the pub back in the town that we live. I had to say that I wasn’t going to go. When my nerves have already been on edge, I know that it is probably not a good idea to drink alcohol. After all, there is a high chance that the anxiety I had experienced earlier would return.

I think it is important to go with what you feel is right. Don’t feel like you should do a particular thing if you don’t want to. Use your previous experiences when going forward. I know that if I have panic attacks, alcohol can affect the negative thinking that causes them. So, to be safe, it is always a good idea to stay away from it. And, I think that is a good idea for anyone who has mental health problems, to be aware of possible triggers and problems.

Just Pretend

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Anyone with mental health issues will tell you the problem that is encountered when you attempt to speak to people about it. Your intelligence is questioned. You are told to grow up. You are made to feel like you are ‘doing it for attention’. All of which makes things worse. It’s a problem made worse when people use mental health as an excuse to get time off work. Not that they suffer at all, but because they couldn’t get the holiday. If you have genuine stress and anxiety, time away could help. But when people say ‘I’ll just say I’m stressed, because they never question that’. As if it is some lame excuse like having the flu.

That excuse to get time off is an insult to every person genuinely suffering. Every person having to turn to a doctor because they feel like they are losing control. Every person who cries themselves to sleep every night, and then cries in the morning because they still have to live. A person who panics uncontrollably at every little thing, from doing the dishes to buying a newspaper. It’s not tidying up, because there is no point. It’s not showering, because there is no point. It’s eating rubbish because something has to fill the massive hole you feel inside.

It makes me so angry. And disgusted. As a person who suffers mental health issues, and know a lot of people suffering, I find it awful that someone would pretend to ‘join in’ so they could get time off. It shows ignorance of the world around them.

It kind of makes me feel a bit sick.

Weather, It Helps

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

How many times do you read about mental health being affected by the seasons and weather? How many times have you scoffed at that idea? I have done that a lot. Mostly because my mental health goes up and down without any real change in the weather. So, I have been guilty of seeing the point, and then just dismissing it.

However, I sit here, looking out my window at almost 10pm, and the sun is starting to down, but the sky is blue. And the weather forecast for the weekend ahead is pretty spectacular, with temperatures soaring. As much as I want to be a stick-in-the-mud, and say that the weather doesn’t matter, I am feeling uplifted. It is easier to get up in the morning, it is easier to keep motivated and get things done.

It probably has something to do with natural light or something. I don’t know. But I think it is a nice thing. I am looking forward to my weekend (which starts on Sunday) and planning all that I can do on my time off. I feel encouraged to go outside and make the best of the nice weather. Okay, it doesn’t always help, but right now it is helping.

 

Whoops

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I want to apologise.

I said I was going to post regularly (every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday), and I haven’t. I am not going to show up with empty excuses, but be a bit honest instead. I am very good at signing up to do too much and then fall under the weight of everything. Doing a lot of work is only good if you are able to keep up-to-date with your schedule.

I fell apart last week. It is my first week being on anti-depressants for many years. Whenever I think about it, I get stuck on the feeling of failure, that I wasn’t able to cope, when I had been coping for years. Except, I don’t really think I had been ‘coping fine’. I think I have been treading water and pretending I was okay for a long time, when I wasn’t. But, I did get help eventually, which is good.

As anyone, who takes any mental health medication, will tell you, it does take time for medication to take effect. And, it can make you extra lethargic and sleepy as you get accustomed to the medication. And, I believe that is what has happened. Everything I do, has different importance. So, whilst I love writing and being creative, my actual full time job is more important. I need to pay the bills that allow me to do the things I love. So, I have been ptuting everything into getting to work, and functioning whilst I am there. And, it has been exhausting.

I am also still doing my IT course with the Open University. I will be honest and say, that I have fallen behind because of everything that has been going on. But, I am still chipping away at everything. I will get there eventually. And that is how I feel about everything right now. Deal with one thing at a time.

Perseverance

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

So, I started posting regularly again, by saying that I would post every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.  You will notice that today is Tuesday, and there was no post yesterday. I’ll be honest, it was a bad day. I had a few panic attacks and ended up spending most of the day with family. Which was nice.

I guess, what I want to say, it is okay to take time out. I still plan on writing 3 posts this week, it is just that 1 post is a day late. You can still be motivated, and not push yourself too hard. Which, is something that is important. Because when you force things, you sometimes end up doing more damage. And, that is the tricky thing. Having to learn the balance between pushing enough to get things done, and pushing past that. It is a difficult balance.

But, it is important to never give up. If you can’t do something, it is okay to side-line it till later. Stuff will still be there for later. And, if it is urgent, speak to people. It is surprising how supportive people are if they know what is going on.

Objective Silences

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

People will always say things, and do things that will get under your skin. Some things can really wind you up. And it can take all your power to bite your tongue and walk away.

Facebook is a big place where this happens. Sometimes the people you work, have drinks or study with have polar opposite opinions to yourself. That is good, because not everyone has the same take on the world. We are all different. But everyone has some barrier that some attitudes break. For me, things regarding animal rights, human rights, mental health and LGBT rights are amongst the things that I care about most. So, when I see someone posting some ill thought out bad attitude which goes against my beliefs I can get angry.

I have lost count how many times I have typed a vicious comment, and deleted it before I posted. These attitudes are borne of ignorance, people don’t know the subject well enough, it’s not entirely their fault. But, I also believe it is good to understand things with a caring perspective. I had someone call me a faggot at work, and when I talked to the guy, its because that is what everyone he knows things. When I pointed out that we got on okay, and that the word can be damaging to a lot of people who work with us and are part of the LGBT community. He admitted it was just a word, and he hadn’t thought about the effects of it at all. He apologised and we are okay.

I think education is a huge part of my things, but I don’t feel that Facebook is the place to deal with these things. So, I leave the comment, and mute the user. If they continue being so bigoted and stupid, I will pop them a message and delete them from my life. I don’t need some person I worked with once, telling me I am fat because I should stop eating and that I don’t to learn to love myself because I am ugly inside and out. And then they have the nerve to say ‘it wasn’t about you, I wasn’t talking about other people’.

Always stand up for what you believe in. But, sometimes arguments aren’t worth it. A person you don’t have anything in common with, who thinks it’s funny that people struggle with sexuality or that people dying senselessly, can be dismissed. Social media is great with this, as you can block anyone.

Ups And Downs

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Mental health can be a funny thing sometimes (funny, strange, not funny, ha ha). It is a thing that is completely unpredictable and can be very random. I say this, because mental health a part of every single person, it just effects us each in a different way.

Life, in itself, has it’s ups and downs, no matter who you are. There is a saying, that I read once, can’t remember where, which said that life is a mixed experience, and we must take special effort to remember the good times over the bad. Which is nice, if awful idealistic. As much as I do remember the good times, I also have a habit of over-reacting to the bad stuff.

This is why, I find it good to write things down. When I am writing a post, I am trying to rationalise anything that I have been through. And it is easier to do that, after the event though. Because if I panic, which leads to crying at the moment, there is zero chance for reflection at the time. It helps me, if I go back and think about things. I try to recognise the feeling I get when I start panicking, that butterfly feeling when I start to feel a little floaty. So that I know I need to calm myself down, and take myself out of whatever situation. Sometimes this helps, most of the time I still end up in a snotty, teary mess.

I currently waiting for a Doctor’s appointment so that I can try to get to grips with my anxiety. Because, right now, it feels a little out of control. I am functioning, I have been working, and I am starting to go back to the gym. It has left me with no energy at all, focusing on trying to do what I am supposed to. Focusing on the good stuff is hard, when you are exhausted from just living. That sound very bad, but that is why it is important to speak, write and seek help when you need it.

For Attention

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Have you heard ‘that’ retort, when you actually speak out about your mental health? The one that devalues every little thing that you feel. When someone says that you are ‘doing it for the attention’.

It is the most frustrating thing ever. A lot of the time, for myself anyway, if I am having some kind of anxiety attack, where ever I am, I don’t really need someone scoffing that I’m trying to get attention. It has happened a lot over the last few days. People point and prod at every little thing I do sometimes, and it does nothing but confirm what I am already thinking about myself. It is great.

It made me wonder, the thinks I would do if I wanted attention? I’d probably sing whilst walking to work. Get in people’s way at work. Upload every thought, in a cryptic manner, on Facebook. Shout and make a lot of noise at work, or out of work. But, I wouldn’t cry on the bus, or at Starbucks, or have a panic attack whilst walking down a street. I wouldn’t because it is horrifically embarrassing.

Every person who accuses a sufferer of mental health issues of attention seeking, are simply ignorant. They don’t know what it feels like to experience mental health. Lucky them.

 

What to say?

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Last week, was Mental Health Awareness Week, here in the UK. So all over the media there was advice on speaking out, and telling someone what you are going through. It is a nice thing to see, though when they are berating celebrities who are going through problems at the same time, it seems very shallow. But, some discussion is better than no discussion. To let people know that there is always someone for them to turn to.

But, what if someone turns to you? You may have no experience in anything mental health related, so what are you to do?

The answer is to simply listen. Normally people just need someone to talk to. Someone who isn’t going to judge, but be a shoulder to cry on when times get tough. That’s all you need to do, and whilst it might not feel like a lot, it could make a huge difference to the other person. If you react negatively, the effect that could have may be long lasting.

About 6-7 years ago, in my previous job. I struggled to speak about it, because I felt like I was getting upset over nothing. After being signed of sick, because of my depression, I returned to work to find out that I had a new team lead, a person who I had worked with before and actually didn’t mind. I explained why I was off, and got ‘why are you depressed, you have a job, a house, you have nothing to be depressed about’. It belittled every little thing I was dealing with in my head. I thought I was being a hassle, so I stopped going to doctors appointments, I stopped talking to people. I ended up hating my job, because I felt I was ungrateful because I was so depressed despite having a job. I was put in an area which I struggled with, and was shouted at by customers at least twice a day. And I planned out ending everything. What one person said to me, hit so hard at such a crucial time, that it has taken years to pick myself back up again.

So, please, if someone confides in you, don’t be critical. Even if that is what you are thinking. Because it could really cost someone their life.