2019

May Challenge: Space

I have a confession.

I am a hoarder.

Not as bad as those people on reality tv shows. But, I have a problem with giving things up. I still have hundreds of CDs and books, when everything is supposedly digital.

This means that everything feels cramped, there is no room for new things. So the answer is, get rid of stuff. Which sounds simple. But I seem to find a reason to keep a hold of everything. I don’t think it helps my mental health if I were to be honest. Because I feel stuck, I need to move on mentally and I can’t because I physically can’t move on.

I really don’t know how to fix it. I’ve watched Marie Kondo, which helped a little. But it’s hard. I think, like many people in this consumerist society, I spent money to make myself feel better. Now, much effort has been taken to find other things that make me happy, but it involves changing so much behaviour. It’s pretty difficult.

2019

May Challenge: Curtains

First off, apologies. I haven’t been in a writing way of thinking during the last few days. I had course work due in, as well as pretty bad mental health. So, I gave myself a break for a few days. It’s okay, I told myself that might happen, so I had prepared to just jump back on things when I felt better. No pressure, just post when I felt like it, and the challenge gives me topics to focus on.

Today’s topic is curtains, and I’m one of these weird people who rarely closes their bedroom curtains. I don’t know why, but it’s something I have got into over the years. I think it’s because if the sun is going to peak it’s face out early, then it can help wake me up. And it does work. However, it does mean that when the window cleaner comes round early doors, there is a chance that if it’s my day off, I could be still sleeping. Which is great.

When my depression was more out of control, curtains had more of a purpose. I didn’t want to deal with the world, so I shut it out. Things are safer if you don’t have to actually deal with everyone. Now, it’s almost like the opposite. I have open curtains, I want to experience the world, but I am prone to anxiety attacks that will keep me in my bed. I sometimes wish I could explain to people how difficult it can be trying to push yourself when your brain has applied the breaks. When I feel bad, it can take me hours get up and go to the bathroom. I just have no focus, no nothing. I start to panic, and my body feels of pins and needles. The feeling can last 10 minutes, or an entire day.

So maybe, having the curtains always open can allow me hope that one day, my mental health will take the back seat. That I will be able to enjoy every day. Let in every experience, like the window let’s in the light. Maybe, this battle will continue on for another 20 years, maybe it will change. I have to hope it will.

2019

May Challenge: Umbrella

There are some things that you have to just understand that you just cannot have certain things in your life. And for me, it is an umbrella. You see, I live in Scotland, near the coast, and on top of a hill. If I try to use an umbrella, two things would happen. It would break within a few minutes, or I would be flying through the sky like an overweight Mary Poppins.

The wind that we experience, where I live, has bested many umbrellas, both cheap and expensive. When it rains, which it does often, the drops always come in at some kind of angle. And it is best to just wear something with a hood, and get on with it.

I think an umbrella can deal as (a bad) metaphor for what it is like dealing with mental health. The umbrella, is the shelter from the rain for most people. It is an efficient way to keep a person dry. However, it isn’t the solution for everyone. I struggle to shelter myself from the negative thoughts that occur in my head. It can feel like I am drowning, and the only thing I can do is get my head down and carry on. Which is hard.

So I am a little bit like a drowned rat, most of the time. But I’m still here. Still plodding with very little success. But sometimes, enjoying the rainfall and realising you aren’t alone, is enough of a success.

2019

May Challenge: Pranks

I have never really been a person for pranking others. I’ll join in the laughter if someone else pulls a prank, but I’m not very good at planning one, myself. If I do think of a funny prank, I usually giggle away to myself and ruin everything. I am like that when telling jokes too.

When I was little, I remember that I would do funny things, to make people laugh. But, when people did laugh, for some reason, I would get upset and cry. I really don’t why. I just seemed to get embarassed easily. There was no comprehension in my mind, that the laughter I was receiving, was for what I said. Noone was actually laughing AT me. I would get flustered instead.

At work, we can sometimes play pranks on each other. It usually involves hiding someone else’s tools somewhere else. But, again, I show that Iam the guilty party by laughing. If I don’t laugh, a big sign that I have done something is that my face turns bright red. It is the reason why I am a rubbish liar, my beetroot coloured face ruins everything.

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This post is part of a May prompt which is explained here, feel free to join in or pick one or two topics, to get your own creativity flowing.

2019

May Challenge: Weight

I was always told that, when I was younger, I looked like a rugby player. It was because I was bulky. Short and stout, a bit like a teapot with no spout.

I was always short, but the other bit never really bothered till I got older. In High School my confidence disappeared because people started making me feel bad for my weight. As if I was stupid for not being as skinny as other folk. Over time I ended up hating my body, and food became punishment instead of just nourishment. I didn’t deal with what was going on, and tried to lose weight for years.

Unfortunately, my self hatred caused issues. I didn’t see any value in myself, so didn’t see the point in making effort to get fitter. So, over the last few years, I’ve acknowledged my mental health issues, and tried to work on them.

I am hoping that as I get healthier mentally, I’ll be able to get physically healthier too. Hopefully.

2019

May Challenge: Eggs

There was a place at my high school, where passing by was like taking your life into your own hands. It was like running the gauntlet. An area of the school you would avoid at break times, or your day could be ruined.

The area was these two bridges, were one top of the other, for the two different floors of the building. It was where kids would stand on ‘top bridge’ and spit or throw food down at targets below. Many a day was ruined by these villains of the playground, and it was made worse when someone made the trip to the local shop to get eggs. And, yes, sometimes they did make that effort.

I laugh now, but I do remember kids being genuinely scared that someone’s lunch would end up over their new jacket. I never understood why people did it. But there was a craze, many years ago, with these gooey alien toys, that came in an egg. And these squishy things would be launched from top bridge (3 stories up), and splat against some poor kid, usually a first year.

Incidentally, I also remember a rumour where it was said the aliens could have babies. I don’t really know where that came from. It’s still kind of gross.

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This post is part of a May prompt which is explained here, feel free to join in or pick one or two topics, to get your own creativity flowing.

2019

May Challenge: Red Lips

Make-up is something that passed me over when I was younger. I was interested in books and stuff that didn’t involve what I looked like. When I was a pre-teen, when folk started playing with cheap make-up, I thought it was like face paint. And I never really liked face paint.

I tried the odd bit of make-up, as I got older, but just couldn’t find the knack. I have been lucky that my skin has always been okay. Even as a teenager, I would only get one or two spots instead of a breakout. So, I never needed to ’cover up’ anything. It always felt like make-up was an expense I couldn’t see the point of. My teenage self would rather buy music CDs and stationary, thank you very much.

I do sometimes watch people do their make-up on Youtube, and it’s like an art form, with the colour mixing and shading. When I do art, I do prefer paper. I don’t think it helps that my hand to eye coordination is hopeless, so what I do on one side of my face won’t match the other. This is because 90% of what I see, comes from my right eye. It means my depth perception can be off, and I can’t see the 3D movies at the cinema. I think that is why that every time I tried eyeliner or something, it would end up a mess. And it just was something that wasn’t worth the effort.

I do dye my hair and periodically paint my nails, but I don’t feel these are intrusive as make-up feels. I can’t get the feeling of ’its facepaint’ out of my head. And it seems pretty stupid when I write it down.

I don’t think I’m special for not liking make-up. Nor, do I think that there is something wrong with people who do like make-up. Everyone likes different things, and that’s okay. If we all liked and did the same things, the world would be a very boring place. It’s important to do what makes you comfortable, no matter what anyone else says.

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This post is part of a May prompt which is explained here, feel free to join in or pick one or two topics, to get your own creativity flowing.