Tag: life

Things To Do When You Are Unable To ‘Do’

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I have written on here previously, that I have rheumatoid arthritis. Which is something that leaves me sore most days, especially days where I am not physically running around at my work. Days where I am left sitting in the house, because moving around, or even doing the most basic task is difficult. For days, like this, I find that I need to have tasks that take my mind away from the frustrations, that being in pain can bring. I also feel like if I do nothing, then I am letting myself ‘waste a day’, which is a big problem with my anxiety, and starts a whole different problem.

The easiest thing to do is have things that are accessible for me to do. Which, considering most of the problems I have are either with my feet or hands, can sometimes be challenging, especially when you don’t have a very good attention span. But, there are some things that I like to do.

Reading: Something that has always relaxed me is reading. I love the idea that you can become absorbed in another world from the safety of your own home. I have always read physical books as a preference, I find comfort in holding a book in my hands and seeing the visual progress as I read my way through. However, when I am sore, holding a book can be hard. So, I have a Kindle, and Kindle apps on my phone and iPad, so that I can read on whatever is easiest for me to manage. But sometimes, a digital device isn’t enough, which leads me to audiobooks. Not something I have ever grown up appreciating, but I do now. If I just need to lie and wait for pain killers to kick in, I can play a book on my phone, or amazon echo, and I can still drift away into a world that hopefully isn’t as sucky as mine. I am currently listening to Where The Crawdads Sing by Delia Owens, and it is a great story.

Writing: I know I haven’t been posting very much on here, but I have still been writing notes and pages of stuff on my computer and phone. I have grown up writing in journals, progressing to keeping blogs online. But, one of the biggest barriers for me, was finding that typing and even holding a pencil could be really challenging. If my hands don’t want to co-operate, then I couldn’t write. Luckily, these days with all the technology, voice-to-text features on most modern devices, which means that I can dictate what I want to say to my computer or phone. It is something that I am only still getting used to, but I have used it to help me create this blog today. I just need to remember to proof read, because as good as it is, mistakes are still made.

TV: I am awful at watching new tv shows. It takes me months to get through anything that I haven’t seen before. I can normally, at the most, get through 2-3 episodes at a time. If it is on normal scheduled TV, it’s even worse, because I forget when the show airs, quickly fall behind, and then can’t be bothered anymore. And sometimes, I find myself getting worked up because I can’t even watch a TV show. So, I go back and watch old TV shows I have watched a million times before. The shows I am currently watching are Daria, Friends, Gossip Girl, South Park, and Gilmore Girls. I usually end the final series, and go back to the start again. I think it’s comforting to know that if my attention wanes and I stop watching, it doesn’t matter because I have seen it all before. It sounds silly, but it is like a comfort blanket. Which, when I am feeling crappy, comfort is what I need.

The biggest problem with hobbies, like drawing, is that I am struggling. I know it sounds silly, but I have lost a lot of interest in things around me. It does seem like it’s because I have been struggling with my mental health. But finding things that I can enjoy is better than focusing on things that I am struggling with. Try to boost any positive feelings I can get.

Making Choices

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

When trying to get one’s life in order, it becomes necessary to make changes. In fact, changes in life are inevitable, though it can be hard when you have to initiate it yourself.

It is very easy to get comfortable in your life, no matter how soul sucking it may actually be. That’s where I am at the moment, but I am focusing on my money management. Something I haven’t been good at. Ever. But I am particularly bad at paying for things I don’t use. Like, I subscribe to something like Netflix, and stay signed up on the idea that I might fancy watching something on it at some point. Even though I regularly scroll through Netflix, and then go to Amazon Prime or Disney+ instead, because I don’t actually find anything I like. Like, I should just cancel, but I have something that stops me. I think it’s the same thing that stops me from throwing out my old iPhone boxes.

I got thinking about this, because my premium plan for WordPress is due to renew next week, and I have just cancelled the auto-renew. Whilst I like the extra features that premium gives me, I don’t currently blog enough for it to be worth the money, as it is quite expensive. I still have the domain, which is good. I have had this site for a lot of years, and I would like to continue it. If I can get into the habit of updating more regularly, then I may get the subscription again. But, at a time when I am trying to save money for lots of things.

I just need to look through what subscriptions I use, maybe keep a tally on what I use, and get rid of what I don’t use. It seems pretty silly, but I am not very good at large changes. So, maybe small steps are better, as they all add up eventually.

Pushing It

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

These last few months have been tiring. My mental health has been awful, and I have been really physically sore. It has meant that I have felt really drained a lot of the time. Which means I am back in hibernation mode. Where I go out for work, and don’t have the energy to do anything else.

I will maybe have energy to do things for one day, and that’s it. So, I will maybe start tidying, do a food shop, arrange to meet up with a friend. But the next day, I just stare at the wall for hours, not having the energy to get up and do anything else. In fact, getting up to do anything becomes mentally and physically stressful, and it’s like I am constantly walking into the same brick wall. It is exhausting.

I am trying to keep going. I work well with a list sometimes, my brain seems to function well seeing what I have to focus on. But, sometimes, the items on the list take longer, or I forget to look at it. And, rather quickly, that manageable list of tasks, turn into something that seems impossible. Just another set of things that I failed at. I fail at everything, so may as well add some more on to the list.

It feels horrible.

But, I am trying. I am trying to do the things I am supposed to do. The things that I promise. The things that will make life easier. Whether it be doing things for work, or trying to get uni stuff sorted out. It kind of sucks, because when I explain about doing things, people don’t even pretend to be interested anymore. Why be interested? I am stuck doing entry level work because I don’t have a degree, and nobody has faith that I can anything apart from the bare minimum. I try to work harder, to show people that I can do well, but I get so far and just get stuck.

I’m frustrated. But I am trying to do a Pride display, for next month, for my work. Hopefully it works out. I just want to do something well for once.

Ups And Downs

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

When I speak about my health issues, especially related to my mental health, people always become judgemental. It often is something that just happens, they haven’t set out to make someone feel bad. It’s just a thing that happened.

When I am with friends, family, or doing something I enjoy, I may be smiling and joking around. Something I do because I feel comfortable in the situation I am in. And because I am laughing with people, doesn’t mean I don’t go home afterwards, and critique everything that I had said, that day. Usually noting that I am stupid, and that people only hang around me because they feel bad I am so stupid.

This doesn’t happen all the time, but when it does, it’s like a punch in the gut. It feels awful, and actually affects how I feel about a time I originally enjoyed.

It is hard to try and combat these feelings as is, without people saying that the anxiety that I have, that causes me to react to such things do negatively, is fake. People have said, to my face, that I am making things up for attention. Which makes thing worse.

You never know what someone else is going through, so it’s always good to be kind. And, people just want to understand their own mind, so that they can deal with things better in their day-to-day lives. That’s all.

Just A Weight

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

So, I have been struggling. My health, both mental and physical, have been absolutely rotten. I feeling like I am treading water, just doing enough to stay afloat.

I have been doing things, socially, and these moments are highlights. But after every night out, every occasion, i always end up analysing everything that happened. I just seem to seek out anything bad. It is not anything that I do consciously, it just happens when I go over everything that occurred. I don’t just think ‘oh, we went to that bar’. It is more, ‘we went to that bar, and then I said this and it was so stupid’. And I focus on the bad feeling.

This happens all the time. Where I feel bad over nothing, and I then fear that I will then ruin things for other people. Sometimes, it is easier to just spend time on my own. That way the only person I annoy is myself. I feel for people who try to be friends with me, because I really am useless.

At This Age…

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

As of this week, I am officially into the last years of my 30s. Birthdays are not as fun as they used to be, I actually find them to be rather depressing. Which, sounds stupid, because getting older is a privilege that not every person gets. However, this doesn’t make my feelings about it go away.

Birthdays act like a bookmark, where a person can review the last year of their life, and gage how successful it has been. Personally, I am in the same job, I no longer have a car, my health is still crap, and I still haven’t got a place on my own. I just feel like a failure, which is something I feel a lot. Everyone else in my life has progress, a new job, new house, relationships, something. I actually feel like I am going backwards.

I would like my 40s to start of better than my 30s. To do that I need to prioritise things. The two big things is money, and my health.

I am going to move money around my bank accounts, try and build my savings. Because I have very little. I also, have to pay things like my computer off. And save money every week. I am going to try and get some overtime at work, because that extra helps me build my bank balance quicker. Whilst overtime can’t be relied on, it will be a great help.

As for my health, I need to focus more on what I eat. I think the most successful thing for me has been calorie counting, but I am bad at constantly tracking all my food. I don’t really know how to deal with that, but I have been trying to learn about the biology behind calories and what our body does with them. I think, I have a dodgy metabolism due to eating poorly in the past, mostly due to fad diet plans.

I saw an advert recently on social media, which posed the question ‘what would happen if you worked on yourself exclusively for 6 months’. Maybe it’s a good idea. Focus some time on it. So 6 months is October, so maybe I shall re-evaluate there.

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment
Daily writing prompt
What’s a secret skill or ability you have or wish you had?
View all responses

I always wish that I was able to deal with things better. I have never been good at dealing with bad stuff as it comes up, and have a habit of burying my head in the sand. That, of course, never fixes anything, and things often start to snowball out of control.

I have this problem with my anxiety, where it’s like my thought process is, ‘if I can’t see it, it’s not happening’. Which is obviously stupid, if I were to think logically. But, logic doesn’t come into play when my mind is in anxiety mode. It is so frustrating, because sometimes, by the time I get my act together, it’s too late. I have already made a mess, I can’t recover at all. So, I fail, which is one of the big triggers for my anxiety, this constant sense of failure. So, as you can imagine, it becomes very easy to spiral out of control. Where, I don’t return messages, don’t do task I need to do, don’t make appointments. It is like I am functioning, but barely enough to get by.

However, I have spent the last 15 years or so, trying different things to ‘fix it’, but nothing works. I think I need to accept that my brain will add 1 + 1 and get 3, and find a way to work around it. I need to think of a way, a plan, that I can action when I can feel ‘that feeling’. If I notice myself ignoring messages, I have a plan. Because all that happens is that I feel guilty, and then don’t want to deal with the thing I didn’t do, because I feel like the longer I delay, the less times I can let people down. Or not, trying to explain my thinking when I don’t understand it half the time, is hard.

Understanding Absence

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

This blog has been abandoned over the last while. I say ‘while’ because I have neglected this site for a long time. I have barely posted, and the posts that I do post seem to go round in circles. It is frustrating, because I started blogging to try and help sort my mind out. Because, my mind is a muddled mess, full of forgotten appointments, half-done tasks, barely started potential new hobbies, with a topping of self-hatred. It really is the most delightful place.

Whilst writing was something that I did routinely, at some point, it has become ‘just another task’, that sits beside making my bed, doing laundry, and the other things that are left undone. I can find myself staring at my bedroom wall, whilst lying on my bed, just stuck. A feeling made worse, when my arthritis is playing up. Lack of movement means pain, and when I feel mentally ‘off’, it feels impossible to even sit up in bed. Because to be able to deal with physical pain, you need to have the mental strength to push through. Without it, everything just feels impossible, almost too hard.

It is tiring. At this point, it feels like I am made to fail. That everything I hoped, once upon a time, has not happened. Yes, I laugh and do things, but they are tape holding things together. And not the Gorilla Glue tape. More the 5 rolls for £1 from Poundland, where the only thing it sticks to is itself. I am exhausted. I work hard, but I know I am not always doing my best because I just feel weighed down. And, because I struggle, I assume that everyone around me knows it, and judges me for it. Like, I am letting folk down all the time.

I have been looking at ways to try and improve things, but it feels impossible. Everything seems to be ignored unless it jumps right out at me. I just don’t know where to begin.

Busy As A Bee

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Life has been extremely busy recently. Whilst that isn’t necessarily a bad thing, it has been proving difficult to get anything done. Well anything that isn’t my work.

I work in a warehouse, and my department is in its annual post-Christmas busy rush. It always feels weird saying that, because most businesses who have retail connections hope for business before Christmas. January is the busiest time of the year, as my department is focused on customer returns. In other words, it is a little crazy. I am working 50 hour weeks, which is leaving me knackered. But that’s not all.

I also have an assessment due in a few weeks for my Uni course. And, due to technical issues over the festive period (my PC died), I have fallen behind. I am learning JavaScript, well, learning bits of JavaScript. It is interesting, and I do love doing it, but it is a LOT of work. I am expected to do 20 hours minimum of studying every week. On top of the 50 hours of work… it feels like there isn’t enough hours in the day.

It is why I feel like everything else has fallen aside, purely because I am exhausted. I haven’t had much time for meeting friends, or do anything social. Which, gets old really fast. It is only temporary. More money means, I can pay my new computer off quicker, and finally get a new car. It is a pain, but it will be worth it.

Avoidance

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I have lots of university work to do, and as usual, I am skipping around the bits that I am struggling with. Which, with JavaScript, happens quite a lot. I end up doing things that are not the most productive activities. They are normally tasks that need to be done, but ones that are not so important in the grand scheme of things. So what are these things?

  1. Cleaning up my email inbox. I get so many junk emails, every website these days wants your email dress for you to use their service. I have different email addresses, all from different stages of my life. One that I have from when I was younger and created ones with stupid music related names, one a name when I wanted to started my own business, and then one when I needed to have a ‘proper’ email address for work applications. One of my inboxes had over 40,000 emails in it. So in the true spirit of avoidance, I went through deleting them all.
  2. Going through all the guides on how to do things on my new MacBook. As much as I have always wanted an Apple computer, and have used one before, I don’t know all the ins and outs of the system. So, I have been reading the manuals and information so that I actually know how to work it properly. Including all the hacks and shortcuts. I have always owned windows computers, so it is a lot more challenging that I originally believed.
  3. Scrolling through TikTok. As much as it gets flack for being a bad influence on kids, it really is the only social media that makes me laugh. The problem is that the timeline on the app is never ending, so you can be scrolling fGor a long period of time, without really noticing how much time has passed.
  4. Google stupid stuff. Do you know that if you google any of the Friends main character names, you get a wee secret picture or animation? Yeah, looking up random stuff is a thing that can be great fun. Look up a TV show you like, and you click on one thing, then another. I always end up finding out something random and interesting, and it’s quite fun falling down a rabbit hole.
  5. Write a blog post. That is normally what I do when I am stuck, write about something. Distract myself for a wee bit, as writing has always helped me feel a little bit better. It is really therapeutic when things are getting on top of me. And at least that distraction is kind of productive, for once.

When I talk to people I know, avoidance seems to be a problem that everyone deals with. But some people seem to have a bigger problem with it, that others. I, for example, get completely rerouted when I find a distraction, and sometimes find it difficult to get back to the task that I actually need to do. I end up just getting annoyed by myself.