Tag: life

Out of breath

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

I have had a cold brewing for a few weeks. And, with being soaked by the rain when out for the rugby on Saturday, the cold well and truly landed on Sunday. I was so ill. My eyes were swollen, I was coughing, I was sneezing, I had a temperature, I felt terrible. I spent a whole 2 days in bed, and am only now starting to feel better. Still a little blocked up, but a lot better than what I was suffering from.

Today, I had a day off work, so I went to meet my friend. I felt, because I had done so little when I was sick, that i have a ‘in between day’, where I can go out and do stuff, rather than just go straight back to work.

I obviously didn’t realise how congested I still was. I have been struggling to catch my breath. It feels like something heavy is on my chest. I’ve never felt like that before, and I had a wee panic over it. It must be because of my chest still being a little blocked up. So I’ll just have to keep on taking my medication and hope that it gets better. I hope it does, cause I’m back at work tomorrow.

Plotting A Path

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

Further education has been a thing I have struggled with, over the years. I have always envisioned a life for myself higher up than the entry level where I find myself permanently situated. It is frustrating, but, I have to keep plodding on. It doesn’t feel like there is any other option, if I were to be completely honest with you.

When I was younger, I always wanted to be a Veterinary Surgeon. When it became clear that I wasn’t going to get grades that would allow that to happen, I leaned towards Veterinary Nursing instead. Fantastic. Except, when I was staying in Glasgow, to access the Vet School, I found myself really suffering under poor mental health. I didn’t fit in with anyone, and I felt pretty lonely. I remember being shouted at by one of the lecturers because I was helping look after a dog in the hospital, and I couldn’t remember something she asked me. It was in front of so many people, and I was degraded. I think I was 19 at this time, and it just made everything worse. With my mental health already being awful, I then felt I couldn’t do anything right. It became such a distraction, I failed the end of year exam. I went to work in a local vet practice, and the guys there helped me build a new portfolio to submit and helped me study to resit my exam. Unfortunately, my confidence was already rock bottom, so I failed again. At this point, I couldn’t afford the money to re-register as a student vet nurse, to re-submit another portfolio, and sit another test. I was so stressed, I got a job at Greggs and let it all go.

Greggs was not an enjoyable experience, the manager was awful. She was a bit of a bully, and she had a tendancy of firing people who didn’t agree with her. You cleaned a counter wrong, you were written up. It was horrible, so I decided to find a way out of there. I applied to Lauder College (now Fife College), to do art and design. I loved art, and creating things, so maybe I could do this. So I left Greggs, got a part time job in a call centre whilst I was in college. I made so many friends at college, and it was an enjoyable experience. The only problem was I was at college for 8.30am, and would go straight to work after, by the time I was home it was often past midnight. I’d sit up to the early hours doing coursework, going to bed at 3 am, just to do it all again the next day. No surprise, my mental health took a major dip again, and I failed to keep up with the workload from the college. So I ended up dropping out and working at the call centre full-time. It was a horrible job.

I eventually ended up in the warehouse job, where I am currently working. I have been trying to get an IT degree through the Open University. My mental and physical health problems have made any progress slow, but I am still slowly making progress. I think. The problem is, that I have been in my current job for 10 years, and whilst, once upon a time, working hard would see natural progression up the corporate ladder, that is not the case anymore. There are so many people who have degrees these days, they come in at management level, even without experience. So, the only way I thought that I could fix that, was to get a degree myself. As said before, my health problems don’t make it particularly easy, nor does the fact that my doctor suspects I have ADHD, which would explain so much. I have had to pause my studies for a year, to try and help myself, and am trying to get back into things after the summer.

I have come to the conclusion, that as easy as it seems to be for some people, to pick a degree and simply do it. Things aren’t that easy for everyone. It might take multiple attempts to get to where we need to be, and it might never happen. I do like learning, I just need to find away that it works. There is a special type of uselessness that comes with feeling stuck in the same role for multiple years, especially when it seems like everyone around you are progressing. And, I need to find a way to get rid of that feeling. As well as the possibility that I worry that my work may no longer be around in the next 5 years, so I have to work hard and focus on next steps.

Going Down

~ Sue ~ 2 Comments

One day last week, for a few hours, Meta went down. Meta is the collective name for the services under the Facebook umbrella. So, Facebook, Instagram, Messenger, WhatsApp, and Threads. All down. Considering I message most people on Messenger, and chat all things F1 on Threads, I felt like I had lost an arm.

It’s not unusual, to be honest. Not these days. We have become so attached to our phones, that social media has become a major part of our social lives. And during the pandemic it became many people’s only way to socialise with people outwith their household. Something that has stuck, apart from the Zoom quizzes, thankfully they are mostly gone. I like a quiz, but when people are picking questions, it is a reminder that what is well known trivia for one person, isn’t always that for all people.

I have always had a connection online, I remember going on band forums to chat to people about music. Even when you had arguments with people, you closed your computer, and that was that till the following day. So, you had a natural break before you would go back, and usually by then, things had de-escalated. Everyone was friends again. But now, you are never really off-line, or I certainly am not. There is no escape for things when they do escalate.

Which made me think. Maybe the social networks need to crash more often.

A Change Is Needed

~ Sue ~ 2 Comments

I have been using this blog for almost 14 years. And, although I do sometimes update rather sporadicly, it has documented a huge section of my life. Something that is tangible, that I, or anyone, can browse through at their leisure. For a person who is as indecisive as I am, it is a pretty big thing to have kept up. It’s become a snapshot of what has been on my mind at a particular time.

I have tried a lot of things over the years. Most of them writing challenges that I have done for 2-3 days, and then proceeded to ignore. I have tried other blogs, ones with a ‘niche’, so that I could turn a blog into something that is more than a blog. But, they didn’t even last the length of time it took for me to register an official domain name. There are other sites, like my Livejournal, which is much older than this site, but… that has fallen into defunct mode, given that any community that was once on there, has now fizzled away to nothing. WordPress, still seems to be going okay. I think.

The problem, right now, is that I don’t know how to personalise this blog more, make it more fitting on where I personally am. The layout, in itself, works, but is that maybe because it has worked before. Maybe, I am comfortable in it. I think this may be a ‘do some research’ on what I like kind of thing. But then, it may just need me being creative and making a new header, maybe creating a new biography. Make sure that any links work (note: they do not work). Maybe I will feel a bit better if I freshen things up a little.

I always have this hesitancy to change things, though. Because, I am a creature of habit, and I don’t really do well if things change too much. But then, all the tools I use to post will be the same, so I suppose not much will change. Maybe. It feels a little bit like redecorating my bedroom, if I make things too different it might start making me uncomfortable, rather than be a relaxing space of safety. I understand that it makes me sound like a 3 year old who doesn’t want to try anything apart from their Turkey Dinosaurs. It wouldn’t be me, if I wasn’t overthinking something so silly.

Let’s see what happens.

Busy Busy

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

It is the busy period at my work. as it always is after Christmas. I am working long weeks, and am rushed off my feet. Though, I say that, it is normally a good kind of busy. The kind where you are constantly working away, so that the time flies by, which is good. I don’t have the time for my brain to wonder onto something else, and get unfocused. And yet, it is not so busy that I am swamped and stressed. It’s a good kind of busy.

I have been trying to make time for reading, which is entirely dependant on how sore I am on any particular day. I currently have a physical book, an ebook, and an audiobook, all in progress at the same time. It is normally my hands that get sore. so I find it hard to hold a book. or even my phone or kindle. Especially as I am travelling to work. I have been listening to audiobooks a lot more than I used to. It’s nice to hear a story on the way to and from work. This year I want to read more, and having a variety of ways to do that, even when life tries to get in the way, is helpful.

As the world seems to be getting more busy, and more intense, it is important to make time for hobbies, things that you enjoy. Over the years I have had lots of hobbies, by the joy has fallen away from them when I found myself stressing over whether or not I can do it. I have always loved drawing, writing, and reading. I am trying to take the pressure out of it, so don’t be worried if my posts on here, as an example is a bit sporadic. Trying to make my hobbies fun again.

Rambling Away

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

It’s Blue Monday. Supposedly the most depressing day of the year. I am okay though, just feel like I’m treading water, as usual.

Yesterday I went to Dundee, and visited Groucho’s Music Bar in Dundee. It used to be a good music shop, that I had bought CDs from, years ago. It’s nice that they were mindful of the history before opening it. And it looked so cool.

Today, I went to visit my friend for a coffee, and hobbled about being really sore. My foot and my hands have been super sore all day. I think I’ll have an early night, as I have 50 hours of work this week. Not great when I am sore already.

Belated Happy New Year

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I was feeling rather low over the festive period, so I gave myself a break. 2024 was always going to be strange year, with it being where I reach a a milestone birthday. So I did my usual, overthought everything, and then feel bad.

Anyway, one should be grateful of seeing another year out, or so I am told. It is because not everyone was able to see in 2024, so it is a privilege being here. Which is a positive idea, that I try to hold on to. The problem is that I am not very good at holding on to very much these days. And it does get me down, as feeling useless has a tendency to do.

However, 2024 is a new year. I hope to document the good stuff a bit better. Focus my energy on the stuff worth the time and effort. Hopefully.

Prompt Time: First Day

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

Tell us about your first day at something — school, work, as a parent, etc.

I remember my first day at Amazon, my current job, like it was yesterday. It was in fact over 10 years ago. Which is crazy. I guess time flies when you are having fun.

I applied to Amazon because I needed to get a job before Christmas, I needed money. I had never worked in a warehouse before, my previous work experience was all customer service based. All I had to go off was the reputation the place had, which was not too good. But, I figured that the only way I’d know what things were like, was if I tried it for myself. I had decided before I had even set one foot in the building that I would try it till Christmas, and if I didn’t like it, I could look for something else after that.

The building itself was beyond anything I could have imagined. The warehouse was so big, and it was filled with so many thousands of items. Everything from kitchen sinks, to children’s story books were on the shelves. I remember thinking it was like a super sized supermarket. It was only too easy to go down the wrong set of stairs, and then take a right turn instead of a left, and you were in a completely different part of the warehouse. I stored things on the shelves, and there were so many rules. I remember being told them, and it was simple yet super confusing at the same time. So much information to remember. But, it ended up being easier than I thought. I started speaking to people in my start group, and it was crazy that people came from all over the world. I’d never worked in a place like that.

I started with an agency, the first time I’d ever done that, I was always hired directly by previous jobs. I never had any problems with them, in fact the only time I talked to them was when I needed a holiday. And then my ‘job till Christmas’ idea fell away when I was made permanent within 9 weeks.

My last job, I had began to hate 4 years into it, and by the 6th year, I was so miserable. But this time, 10 years in, I am relatively happy in my job. My managers are aware of my health issues and help me, whenever I need it. The hours are reliable, same days, same shift, same breaks every week. Means that I can plan my life around work easily. And if I want overtime, for bills or a holiday, I can get it easy. I have made friends from all over the world, and I actually am happy going to work. Which, after 10 years, is quite an achievement.

Time Was Rushing In

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

How are we half way through November, already? I went into Town today, and found that all the Christmas decorations had popped up, and I had the audacity to be surprised that Christmas is just round the corner. I don’t know how, because Christmas is the same date every year. I suppose, I may have been distracted with my own problems that time has just disappeared on me. I, as usual, am not at all prepared for anything of ‘the season’.

Anywho, today has been a successful day. I have been struggling with pain recently, and been really sore most days. This means, that I have been doing the bare minimum. Not today, though. I was up early and had breakfast, then even did the dishes. Crazy stuff, I know. I then went into Town for the bank, and met a friend for coffee. I came home had some sweet and sour for dinner, and then came onto my laptop for a while. I actually updated by ‘about the author’ page and the banner links, so my Threads and TikTok accounts are linked. These are the social networks that I use the most.

It is a good feeling that I did something useful today. I am very good at not recognising when things go right, instead focusing in on what goes wrong. This is something that I am trying to work on, which is why I thought I’d try and recognise what went right today. So, hooray.

Take A Break

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

Recently I have enjoyed some time off work. It wasn’t the usual, staying at home and pottering about. For once, I actually went away for some sunshine, away to Cyprus (with stops in Amsterdam and Paris). I hadn’t been abroad since 2019, before the pandemic, and it felt great to get away. I had never been to Amsterdam or Paris before, so it was nice to see somewhere different

Amsterdam was a flying visit, and was really hot. The transport into the city centre, from the airport, was very easy, and the city seems very walkable. You just need to be mindful for the bikes, as they are everywhere, and they don’t always follow the traffic lights. There are designated lanes for bikes, to keep them separate from cars and pedestrians. We took a trip on a canal cruise which offered wine and cheese along with the canal cruise. When I travel with my friend, we never really do tourist stuff, so it was a nice different experience.

It was a lovely way to see the city, and was so relaxing. I would recommend it to anyone who needs to see the city, as it was a lot of fun, and super relaxing. And I think it was the only way for someone, as clumsy as me, to see the city without being run over by a bike.

The main point of the holiday was for the Scotland football game in Cyprus. For me and and my friend, it is has been our annual holiday, our chance to experience another country. We were based in Paphos, which is a lovely part of the country. Spent a lot of time chilling out, and reading, which to me is a great holiday. And also spent a lot of time singing Scotland songs at the pub. Which is normal for a tartan army trip.

@suewantsariot

Scotland are in Cyprus. In Paphos, outside the wonderful flairspaphos. #bagpipes #scotland #footballawaydays #cyprus #tartanarmy #TAontour #holiday #paphos

♬ original sound – Sue

The stop on the way home was Paris. The plan was to spend a few hours in the city, and do some tourist things, like we had done in Amsterdam. But, alas, this did not happen to our expectations, mostly due to a run of bad luck with public transport, which concluded with arriving at the airport 30 minutes before gate closure. It was a nightmare. But all ended okay. We did spend a few hours in Paris. Saw the Louvre and Notre-Dame, and had a (late) breakfast at a wee cafe, which gave us free pastries. (Note: I will never say no to free food.) It was a lovely city, and I would really like to go back and explore more.

By the time we landed back in Edinburgh, it was pouring down with rain. And, with how hot it had been on our holiday, I, for one, was very happy to see it. I came home, got a take-away, and relaxed with a movie. But, to be honest, as much as I love going away on holiday, nothing beats getting back in your own bed. That night was the best sleep I had experienced in weeks. The only problem now, is that I feel like I need another holiday already.