Tag: life

Hopes for the future

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I remember leaving school. I remember preparing for leaving school. I remember waiting for my exam results. Visiting colleges. The dreaded fear as I counted down the final days.

My aim, was to be a Veterinary Nurse, as I wanted to help animals. I tried so hard. But whilst I was studying in Glasgow, I started to develop anxiety. Whilst I had an issue with depression at school, college is where it smashed me in the face. It got harder and harder to continue on. Eventually I failed an exam to get on the next year, and had to get a job in a shop. Which was okay, but I didn't get on with my manager. My anxiety lead to a fear of standing still. If I stood still, then the fact that I failed as a Vet Nurse would catch up.

So I thought about what I wanted to do, as a life. And even as a kid, I either wanted to do art or something with animals. So, I tried animals, so i thought I'd try something more arty. This time I went to a local college to try Art and then Graphic Design. To support this, I left the shop and went to work in a call centre in the evenings. The ambition was there, but at this stage (my 20s) I still hadn't got any help with my mental heal issues. I speak about them, because I can see they were there, when I am looking back. It was whilst I was at college and the call centre that i eventually sought out help. I struggled with college, so I eventually ended up just going full time at the call centre. But I struggled.

Eventually, I was paid off from the call centre for underperforming. Which was hard. But I was so anxious, that I felt I was a burden to everyone around me. I couldn't sleep before work, and I would frequently end up in tears during the shift. Although I was in despair at the time, I didn't realise how much I hated the job till I never had to go back. I spent about 6 months, whilst looking for jobs, learning how to look after myself. I was in the worst mental state I had been in through my whole life. I was self-harming and didn't want to live. I only saw what I had failed at, and wanted to give up.

I spent time with friends and family, made effort, found the things that made me happy again. And about 4 years ago, I applied for a job at a local warehouse. A job I was permanent in after 12 weeks, and that I am still at. I work long shifts, but short weeks, and this has enabled me the time I needed to continue to work on myself. And it helped. I like my job, I like the people I work with, but I still feel I could do more. So I applied to the Open University to do an IT course. I have always been interested in computers, so it would be interesting. And because I have healthier ways of dealing with any mental health issues, I think I am more prepared than before, to work on a course.

I guess that is my message of this post. What you may have in mind for your career might not pan out. But it is no reason to give up. There are so many pathways available to you, so try not to lose awareness of that. Not everyone gets lucky at their first career choice, but something is there for you. I mean, IT might hot be the thing for me, but life is too short to not try.

Work, Work, Work…

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I like to think that I have always been a grafter. Someone, who works as best as they can at whatever task they are given. Now, I may not be the fastest, but you can be assured that I will do my job properly. Which, to me, matters. Whilst, doing things in a good time is always a good thing, there is no point if corners are cut, and things are done poorly.

Since my first job, I have always enjoyed the satisfaction in working hard and feeling like I had made a difference. And that didn’t change no matter the size of company I was working for. I made sure that what I did was the best I could do. I like to believe that working hard will get you anywhere you want. Hard work is rewarded. But, I am realising that is maybe an idealistic way of thinking.

The area I work in at the moment is constantly busy. It is a very different job than what I am used to, but I still do my best. But, I am stuck. What do you do when your best isn’t good enough? Me, I just keep trying, I get my head down and graft away to the best of my ability. Which is how I have always been. But every so often I raise my head, and I see other people getting new opportunities. People who are doing worse at the job than me, and have been the less time than me. I automatically assume that I have done something wrong. And when you get that thinking in your head, it is really hard to get out.

A lot has changed with my job role in the last 6 months, with me working in a completely new department. And that, in itself, made me feel I was getting moved away for doing something wrong. So before I started my new task, I already felt a bit weary and hurt that I was moved away from my friends and folk I trusted. I have written on here before, about my mental health issues, and my old department had managers and leads who I could trust. People who I could speak and cry to if I had a bad day.  It made me feel comfortable coming into work, even on my bad days. But it isn’t like that anymore. I don’t really know any of my new managers, and when I talk to them it feels like I am a burden. And, if you know me and my mental health, I feel like I am feeling a burden without anyone saying so.

So I feel like a burden, and that I am doing things wrong, so I don’t feel welcome. It has become more of a struggle to go into work, when I have a bad day. I can go to the toilets and cry. All the people who would make me laugh, and make things better are in a completely different area. I can’t just abandon my work and wonder off to see them. I didn’t realise how much easier my work colleagues made everything, till I couldn’t see them anymore.

I am carrying on though. Trying to keep my head down, and work as hard as I can. Focus on myself, and what I am doing. Which is easier said than done. I give myself a pep talk every morning. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. The actual job is fine. It is just the lack of recognition and support that is getting me down. But, I will persevere, and I will continue to do the best I can. Which is all I can do.

Round And Round

~ Sue ~ 5 Comments

I am finding life rather monotonous right now. I know, that not every day can be super exciting and fun, but it is routine that I find boring. It sounds daft, but day-to-day life can get boring. And it is frustrating.

Why?

Well, routine bores me, but it also calms down my anxiety. Which leaves me with a bit of a conundrum. If I try to leave too much to luck, and ‘wing it’, normally something will end up causing me to panic. But I get bored when everything gets stuck on the same routine. It gets to the point, where I feel like I am running in automatic pilot.

It is fear of the unknown that normally gets under my skin. I get nervous when things just ‘happen’, because I don’t know how my brain is going to react. Sometimes, I completely over-react, and start panicking because my brain is focused on the worst possible outcome. But half the time, I am fine, there is no adverse reaction, and I can just roll with whatever is going on. And I because I don’t know what way things are going to go, a lot of the time I just stick to my routine, and stay away from any risk. Which is a good idea, in one sense, but it can also be suffocating.

It comes down to balance. But, how do you find that balance?

via Daily Prompt: Wheel

Guilty of feeling bad

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Right now, it feels like every time you read the paper or watch a news broadcast, something else horrible is happening in the world. Innocent people are dying every day. And it is awful.

It can be difficult to relate to. I,for example, feel unbelievably guilty. I have my fair share of physical and mental health issues, and a lot of times it is hard to even hard to get dressed, never mind do something productive. But I watch the news, see the suffering of others who are much worse off than me. It starts the internal berating of myself, where I feel inadequate that I seem to have a lot, but I can’t deal. People have it worse. Someone said that at work today, to me. I didn’t offer a reply, but in my head, it reinforced the belief I was building up about myself.

It doesn’t make for a happy life. It makes every day feel like it’s double the length. My anxiety flares because i feel so guilty and unworthy, it causes my stomach to become unsettled so that every meal I eat, ends up in the sewerage system. It stops me from sleeping, I feel that if I can’t appreciate and enjoy my life, then maybe I shouldn’t wake up in the morning.

But, when in a calmer state, I realise everything I do is completely irrelevant to whatever disaster is in the news. Now, that sounds awful. But bear with me. My anxiety comes in different flavours. Sometimes my brain makes me feel unimportant, and sometimes it makes me feel responsible for EVERYTHING. So, the days where I feel hopeless, I try to break tasks down, like if I don’t process this task, a customer won’t get their refund. It is a small thing, but makes me feel I have a purpose.

When I am a bit more calm, like I am now, I can be logical. I can think of a way round my issues. But when anxiety hits, logic is furthest from my mind. I have donated to charities for the Manchester attack, the Grenfell Tower fire, and many others. Sometimes, feeling like I tried to give something helps calm my anxiety. But if you are struggling with current affairs and are feeling guilty or just questioning your place in the world, sometimes the best thing to do is to not constantly watch the news. I watch half an hour a day, and that’s it.

Don’t allow your mental health to bully you into feeling guilty for something you have nothing to do with. Which is hard, I know. You can also try to speak (or ramble online, like I do) about what you are feeling. If you are having a hard time health-wise, nothing should be-little what you are going through. And if someone tries to, ignore them. Look after yourself and those close to you.

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If you need mental health help visit The Samaritans

Donate to the Grenfell Tower fire fund, this situation is still ongoing, and the death toll is expected to rise. red cross appeal

Just Do Your Best

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Life, as it frequently tends to remind us, is very hard. Yes, the struggles may be different for different people, but they are still struggles. And every person will deal with those hard things different. If you don’t harm anyone, there is no right or wrong way to deal with problems that come our in direction.

It is hard, but it is believed by some, that nothing worth doing, comes easy. So, if things get hard, it’s okay. If you have to work hard for something, it is only then that you will fully appreciate it. But sometimes, you can find yourself working hard for something, and you don’t achieve what you set out to do. It might be a test, a new job or even getting fitter, it can be almost everything. And failing is a horrible feeling, but it is a feeling that everyone has to deal with.

How do you even begin to deal with failure? Myself, I don’t deal a lot of the time, I do the whole panic/ cry/ meltdown, kind of thing. But when I think back, at the school classes failed or the jobs I didn’t get, I just plodded on. A lot of the time, I just adjusted my plan. Sometimes, you can want something, and start the journey towards that goal, but there is no way to get there. Life sometimes, gets in the way like that. People like to make excuses, like ‘if it wasn’t for this thing that happened, I would have done such-and-such’. I don’t like that. As long as you can look at yourself in the mirror, and say ‘I gave it everything’, you have nothing to feel bad about. In fact, if things did get in the way, but you tried as hard as you could at the time, you also have nothing to feel bad about.

You have to do your best what ever comes your way. No matter what it is. Because if you have that ‘try hard’ mentality, you will succeed in something. It may take a while, and it might be nothing like you originally planned, but you will get there.

Tempting

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I am bad at saving things for later. Be it food, money, or in today’s case, holiday hours from work. If I get an idea in my head to use something, then I’ll use it. I don’t seem to be able to keep anything till later. At all.

So today, I was to be in work, and I had a total headache. So rather that force myself in to work, I took an ’emergency holiday’. The hours used for that holiday are set aside so that if you need to use them, the holiday is automatically approved. It’s a good idea. But you only get 10 hours every 3 months. Ideally, you hold on to those hours, and use them for a proper emergency, where you might need to leave work early or something. But, I used it within the first week of getting it.

I had always decided that I was going to bail shift early, for the Dunfermline and Raith Rovers game, it was a derby game. I don’t get to go to many games, as I usually work on a Saturday.

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But Dunfermline won, which makes me happy, and makes it worth the time off. Life should include doing what makes you happy, right?

Back to normal

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I have been off work for the last week. Needed some time away from work, which everyone needs at some point. I had a week of catching up with friends, and enjoying not having an alarm go off at 5.30am.

But, as with every holiday, the week went too fast, and today was my first day back at work. Back to where I was before I went away. Which is a bit stressy, to be honest. Recently I have been working in a different department with a brand new process. And I am finding that it is triggering my anxiety something awful. Before I went away on holiday, I was having to head to the toilet several times a day, because I was panicking. Which is not nice. It is embarrassing.

I do power through and do my best, but it’s really draining. And today, it felt like I was just back to the same place again. All that relaxing, and i still get worked up over nothing.

I am trying to push myself. I will get to where I need to, but like anything, it takes time. I just have to be patient and not give up. Which, is rather tempting. But nope, got to hustle and get shit done. Own the situation properly.

Another Year Older

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Birthdays used to be fun. They used to mean parties, being spoilt rotten, and the promise of getting older. When you are little, it feels like the world has all these possibilities, that you need to get older to do. It was exciting, it was fun.

Now, in my 30s, that is no longer the case. In fact, my last few birthdays have included time where I have sat on the floor and cried my eyes out. Feeling like I have wasted another year, and that I am never progressing in anything other than age. It always puts a downer on stuff.

I guess a lot of the feelings around birthdays come from others. It is an automatic reaction to look at those around you, and assess how they are doing compared to you. And, well, I have always assumed everyone is much further ahead than me, especially as I’ve got older. Folk are having kids and getting married, and I am not anywhere related to that. Any progress I do make, is slower than a bloody snail. For example, passed my driving test last year, still don’t have a car.

Things are different this year. Though it might not appear so. I am working hard to be better. I am making progress, which is better than none. Babies, moving house, getting a dog, new job, it doesn’t matter what progress is, as long as you move forward, you doing okay. Which is why I am trying to stop comparing my life to others. Yes, most of my friends actually have a career, or a house, or a partner, but they don’t equal anything other than personal growth. And people grow at different speeds.

Or that’s what I am trying to convince myself anyways. Here’s to being 33. Let’s improve on last year.

Back to Business

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Posts have been on and off since the start of March. And despite feeling useless when it comes to writing anything at all, I have tried to plod along. Which is fine, but me being me, it is still highly frustrating. I know that I can create more stuff, but it is difficult.

There is a difficult balance, trying to not allow creativity to become a burden, and also continuing to push myself to do more. There is always that fear, that you can put too much pressure on yourself, and that can end up becoming more of a hindrance rather than a help. So, I am trying to push myself to do more, but try not to think too critically if it doesn’t happen. Which is hard.

At the end of the day, writing is a hobby that I have, that is very freeing to me. It allows me either clear my mind or focus on one topic, depending on what I write. But both these things, do help me feel better. And that is what I love about creativity. It allows your mind a break from whatever normally stresses you out. Which is something that all people need. A break. Life, no matter how mundane it may appear, has the ability to stress people out. And it is only through constant learning, and self-improvement, that we are able to experience less stress. It is a lot of hard work, but it is worth it.

The best way to get back on track, is to make the best of the opportunities where I do feel creative. I need to really start utilizing the ‘schedule posts’ features. So I can have posts ready to go. But that is all preparation. A general thing that I need to get better at. I am usually far too lazy. One thing at a time though. slow progress is better than no progress.

Not What I Wanted

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

I have always been one of these people who have two effort levels. Either I obsessively do it, or I just can’t be bothered. This is mostly encouraged by how well I do at something. If I put effort in, and things go well, I will push and push towards a goal. All good. If I put that same effort and fail, I find it really hard to put any more effort into it.

I know that what I am saying isn’t that uncommon. In fact, most people probably have the same issues. If is something that happens in life, and people just have to accept it. But the problem is, that if I don’t try again at something, my brain builds this thing up. Something that is probably of no real concern to anyone, can start to cause me to panic. It is horrible.

When I was at school, I remember that I had two extremes whenever I sat a test. I would either smash it, or I would completely bomb. If I was going to make a mistake, I wouldn’t just make one, I’d make ten. And that is something that has continued with me as I go on. I think that a big part is paranoia and lack of confidence. Like, if I think i am doing well, it is all fine. But if I find out I did one thing wrong, i fuck up everything.

It’s hard. I can get so flustered over making silly mistakes. I get upset, because I feel so stupid. I get it in my head that I shouldn’t be making such silly mistakes, I should know better. And I feel worse, and then make more mistakes because I am too busy scolding myself.

The thing no one ever teaches you at school, college or any work place, is how to give yourself a break. It is a foreign concept. But not everyone thrives on constant pressure.