Tag: life

Same Thing

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

A lot of things, in my life haven’t exactly gone to plan. I try a lot of things, get a lot of ideas, and they end up fading away into nothing. It’s okay, because that happens to everyone. But, I feel like sometimes I repeat my mistakes, almost as if I learn nothing. It’s almost as if I expect to get different results by doing things the same way as before.

It’s very frustrating.

I have talked on here several times, about problems that arise from my mental health issues, particularly anxiety. Something that can have me struggling to breathe, and feeling very uncomfortable no matter where I am. Sometimes, I find it very hard to get any motivation to make things different. Things never change, so what’s the point. Sometimes I think I get stuck, emotionally and physically. Where I get too comfortable in my little bubble of failure. I don’t want to venture out of my ‘bubble’, because I am scared that I will make things worse, rather than better. It’s like I have issues now, and I don’t have any ‘real’ problems. So, I must be doing things wrong, if I am struggling so much. So, I do the same things over and over again, in the hope that I will eventually do things right, and then feel better. 

But, that’s not how things work. I am trying to put logic into everything that is going on, and with anything related to mental health, that doesn’t work. So, I am trying to push myself to do different things. It is very hard though. It can be so exhausting just trying to function, it is hard to find the willpower and energy to try and do something different. 

They do say that success only happens where a person doesn’t let failure stop them.

Not All Bad

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I use this blog a lot for complaining and talking about my mental health. Whilst, this has become a good place, where I can let all my agro out, it also gives the impression that all I do is wallow. Which, is actually untrue. I am very guilty of focusing on the ‘bad stuff’, but that just seems to be how my brain is wired. So, today, I am making a conscious effort to write about 5 positive going-ons in my life. I say 5 because sometimes I find it hard to think of any so this may be challenging.

  1. I became an Auntie. Last week, my little nephew Carter was born. He is so tiny and cute. We haven’t had a baby in my immediate family since my sister was born, and she is now 21. When my sister was born, I was 13 and was going through that terribly angsty, teenage phase. I wasn’t as ‘hands on’ as I could have been, and that has always made me feel a little bad. But, with baby Carter, I just want to cuddle him and help out however I can. The presence of a baby works as a reminder of not squandering life, or to me, it is anyway.
  2. Continuing my studies. This is a big one for me. I really struggled to keep ‘on top’ of my studies last semester, but I kept at it and managed to hand in my last assessment on schedule. My second year starts this week, and I am excited. I am studying towards a degree in IT and Computing, and last year was mostly an introduction. It is a course which I am doing through the Open University, which allows me to work my full-time job, as well as studying. It is a good way to try and get better job prospects for the future, still having a full-time wage. The next part of my course includes networks, robotics and automation. This is things that my work uses to get things done, so I am hoping that I can link them both together.
  3. Always at work. The last time I experienced bad mental health, I took a lot of time off work. This time around, I haven’t missed a single day. My managers and the team I work with have been super supportive when I have bad moments. I tend to cope better if my mind is occupied, the moment my brain starts to wonder is when I start panicking. My work is very good at making sure I am doing a variety of tasks, and this keeps me occupied. Work is exhausting, but it is really good that I have still stuck at it.
  4. Creativity. Doodling, writing, photography and video making. All the things that I like to do. I am not the best, but these things make me feel better. And sometimes, especially when you tell someone that you write a blog or film videos, you get dismissed. Did you know that being creative is something that people can ‘grow out of’? I didn’t. But apparently keeping a blog as I stumble through adulthood is frowned upon. People do say mean-spirited things, but I try to ignore that. Creating stuff gives me joy, and nobody should be able to take that away.
  5. Friends. I have super supportive and friendly people around me, something I don’t focus on enough. I always have people to meet with and chat to. I know that if things get really bad, I can PM  so many people for help. But a lot of the time, I just need a distraction from whatever is going on in my brain, and my friends offer that. Whether it is having a moan about work, going for dinner or playing computer games, it is good to disconnect from my feelings sometimes. But it is good that I can then be there for them too if it is needed.

 

Celebrate Good Times

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Life has the unfortunate ability to feel like utter shit sometimes. It isn’t because anything bad actually happens, just that your perception of everything is rather rubbish. It happens to everyone, some folk more than others, and it can be hard.

Personally, I sometimes feel like my brain is tripping me up, by being negative about stuff that I shouldn’t even give a second thought. But that is not how my brain is wired, the rational thinking seems to be missing. And, it is very easy to get stuck. To become too busy nitpicking over the small things, because thinking about the ‘big stuff’, just seems to be too real and scary. I become stuck in a bubble, like a play I did at Primary School, where a girl floats away in a bubble, to a land filled with monsters. (I have no idea what it was called, I did try to find out.) Everything in the play ends up happy because it was aimed at kids, of course. But, the feeling of feeling like I am in a bubble surrounded by the scary monsters of the outside world, is a metaphor that seems to hit a little too close to home. And, although I do know that the story will end up okay, in the end, facing these monsters of reality just seems a bit too hard to bear. It becomes easy to hide in my little bubble. Like an invisible wall is protecting me from whatever bad stuff is coming. It’s not. It sounds a bit mad. And I am aware of that.

Sometimes, there are things, events, that requires to step out of your little bubble for a while. And it can be so anxiety-inducing, it is ridiculous. Sometimes, you can tip your toes into the big, wide world, and that’s it. And, that is okay. Sometimes. This metaphorical bubble, that I am using to describe my own mental health, can become a burden. Your mental health becomes a burden on YOU. And, that always makes me feel that it will also be a burden on other people. That me, and my bubble of despair, has the ability to ruin any social event or occasion, just by being there. And, when you start thinking that, it becomes all too tempting to reply ‘I’m busy’ to every invitation that you get. Thinking that everyone will have more fun without you. And that thinking is just your mind trying to keep you in your bubble, and not expose you to the possible monsters outside.

Sometimes there are events, like weddings and big birthdays, that you feel you have to attend. And sometimes, you can find the will to push outside your bubble, and do something for someone else. For me, I have to focus on the other person, because the moment I think about myself, at all, I will climb back into my bed and ignore my phone. Focus on the smiles, focus on the good times you have had before. Previously, for me, this has worked. I focused on how much the event meant for the person, or people, that I know, and I wanted to make them happy. It allows me to forget about the bubble I spend my life in and celebrate something great.  And, I didn’t feel anxious at all. It was like my bubble was left at home. It felt like I could still be genuinely happy, and it was freeing.

Now, I know that going to one event isn’t going to completely fix everything. My mental health is still like a badly scrambled egg. But, for a while, it can be nice to step away from that mess, and just experience something for what it is. I have suffered mental health problems for over half my life now, and I have come to terms that it is something that I need to live with. But it is good to know that sometimes, the life that can be sometimes so unbearable to live, still has good stuff to enjoy. And that good stuff has to be what pulls us through the bad stuff. It is sometimes necessary to remind yourself of that, once in a while.

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

Communication is important. It is how everything gets done. Whether it is you telling a shop worker what you want, reading your email list, or watching a TV show. Without effective communication, we’d be sitting staring at a wall all day, on our one.

Sometimes, that seems like a good idea.

I have recently bought my second car, after over 6 months of no driving. I was a bit worried about driving again, but I found it a bit like riding a bike. It was super easy to get back into, which is good, cause I kind of love driving. The problem ended up being with other drivers.

My dad used to be a driving instructor, and always drummed into me, and my siblings, that it is ALWAYS, mirror, signal, manoeuvre when driving. This means, if you need slow down before turning in at a junction, you should indicate first. This allows other drivers to see what you are planning to do. Seems simple, right? Not every driver follows this rule, and you will get people just turning, or breaking for no reason. You will get cars coming onto the road, right in front of you, as if you are invisible. I have a bright blue Volkswagen Beetle, it’s not exactly something that blends into its surroundings. It frustrates me. But I can see why accidents happen. A lot.

I sometimes think, that being able to read minds would be super helpful. Just so I’d get a heads-up on what other drivers are going to do. I think it would be a great ability. Like, as if you level up when you pass your driving test and unlock the ability to read minds. Although, I don’t know if I’d want to read everyone’s mind. My mind is weird enough without seeing too much of other people’s weird thoughts.

Know Yourself

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

Every day, things happen that push your personal boundaries. It doesn’t have to be anything too different from ‘the norm’ for you to feel any strain from the situation. Not for me anyway. I can find pressure in situations that are completely calm and contain no pressure. I think it is the way that my brain is wired.

I have problems with anxiety, which I have discussed before, and sometimes situations can make me on edge. Today, for example, I was the ‘designated driver’. It wasn’t anything specific that made that choice, went into town with the family, and it was my car we took. Which is fine. But there it was Highland Games day in Burntisland, so I drove down there, family in tow, to have a wee walk around. We ended up in the pub, and as the driver, I obviously couldn’t drink. Which is fine, I don’t have to drink all the time. But, the pubs were heaving. It was really warm, and room temperature diet coke wasn’t really helping. People kept bashing against me, and it was making me really anxious. People we knew came in, and it didn’t really help. I was needing some fresh air away from the crowds, I could myself starting to panic.

My family, being who they are, were like ‘We’ll come too’. So everyone went outside, and it was okay. We drove home, and I had no panic attack. But, then the rest of the family wanted to go to the pub back in the town that we live. I had to say that I wasn’t going to go. When my nerves have already been on edge, I know that it is probably not a good idea to drink alcohol. After all, there is a high chance that the anxiety I had experienced earlier would return.

I think it is important to go with what you feel is right. Don’t feel like you should do a particular thing if you don’t want to. Use your previous experiences when going forward. I know that if I have panic attacks, alcohol can affect the negative thinking that causes them. So, to be safe, it is always a good idea to stay away from it. And, I think that is a good idea for anyone who has mental health problems, to be aware of possible triggers and problems.

A Testing Time

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

These last few weeks have flown by. It is that time of year, once again, where assements and summer seem to collide. I am studying through the Open University, which gives the ability to access high level learning, whilst still working full time. Which is what I am doing. It gives me a sense that I am working towards something, which is what I need, after being in my current job for 5 years. It is a very good thing. However, the recommended study time, doesn’t actually sound like much, like 10 or so hours a week. But once life gets in the way, that 10 hours is a lot.

Key to doing anything like this, is being honest to yourself, and honest to the people there to help. Be it people at work, friends, or folk at where you are studying. When looking for help, it is easy to forget that there are actually lots of things set up to help you succeed. Managers and tutors are their to help you, their job is to make sure that you have as much support as you need. So, just tell them what the problem is and they can help, even if it is pointing you in the direction of where you can get support.

No matter where you are, you will here people saying that the people who are supposed to care about them (like managers) don’t care about them. But, a lot of the time, when you question them further, you can find that no issues have actually been raised to their managers. As clever as some people like to think that they are, noone is actually a mind reaer, they sometimes only know something is wrong, when it is pointed out to them. So, no matter how silly you may feel, speaking up can make things a lot easier, and help release the pressure.

However, that can be easier said than done.

Whoops

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I want to apologise.

I said I was going to post regularly (every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday), and I haven’t. I am not going to show up with empty excuses, but be a bit honest instead. I am very good at signing up to do too much and then fall under the weight of everything. Doing a lot of work is only good if you are able to keep up-to-date with your schedule.

I fell apart last week. It is my first week being on anti-depressants for many years. Whenever I think about it, I get stuck on the feeling of failure, that I wasn’t able to cope, when I had been coping for years. Except, I don’t really think I had been ‘coping fine’. I think I have been treading water and pretending I was okay for a long time, when I wasn’t. But, I did get help eventually, which is good.

As anyone, who takes any mental health medication, will tell you, it does take time for medication to take effect. And, it can make you extra lethargic and sleepy as you get accustomed to the medication. And, I believe that is what has happened. Everything I do, has different importance. So, whilst I love writing and being creative, my actual full time job is more important. I need to pay the bills that allow me to do the things I love. So, I have been ptuting everything into getting to work, and functioning whilst I am there. And, it has been exhausting.

I am also still doing my IT course with the Open University. I will be honest and say, that I have fallen behind because of everything that has been going on. But, I am still chipping away at everything. I will get there eventually. And that is how I feel about everything right now. Deal with one thing at a time.

Objective Silences

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

People will always say things, and do things that will get under your skin. Some things can really wind you up. And it can take all your power to bite your tongue and walk away.

Facebook is a big place where this happens. Sometimes the people you work, have drinks or study with have polar opposite opinions to yourself. That is good, because not everyone has the same take on the world. We are all different. But everyone has some barrier that some attitudes break. For me, things regarding animal rights, human rights, mental health and LGBT rights are amongst the things that I care about most. So, when I see someone posting some ill thought out bad attitude which goes against my beliefs I can get angry.

I have lost count how many times I have typed a vicious comment, and deleted it before I posted. These attitudes are borne of ignorance, people don’t know the subject well enough, it’s not entirely their fault. But, I also believe it is good to understand things with a caring perspective. I had someone call me a faggot at work, and when I talked to the guy, its because that is what everyone he knows things. When I pointed out that we got on okay, and that the word can be damaging to a lot of people who work with us and are part of the LGBT community. He admitted it was just a word, and he hadn’t thought about the effects of it at all. He apologised and we are okay.

I think education is a huge part of my things, but I don’t feel that Facebook is the place to deal with these things. So, I leave the comment, and mute the user. If they continue being so bigoted and stupid, I will pop them a message and delete them from my life. I don’t need some person I worked with once, telling me I am fat because I should stop eating and that I don’t to learn to love myself because I am ugly inside and out. And then they have the nerve to say ‘it wasn’t about you, I wasn’t talking about other people’.

Always stand up for what you believe in. But, sometimes arguments aren’t worth it. A person you don’t have anything in common with, who thinks it’s funny that people struggle with sexuality or that people dying senselessly, can be dismissed. Social media is great with this, as you can block anyone.

Ups And Downs

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Mental health can be a funny thing sometimes (funny, strange, not funny, ha ha). It is a thing that is completely unpredictable and can be very random. I say this, because mental health a part of every single person, it just effects us each in a different way.

Life, in itself, has it’s ups and downs, no matter who you are. There is a saying, that I read once, can’t remember where, which said that life is a mixed experience, and we must take special effort to remember the good times over the bad. Which is nice, if awful idealistic. As much as I do remember the good times, I also have a habit of over-reacting to the bad stuff.

This is why, I find it good to write things down. When I am writing a post, I am trying to rationalise anything that I have been through. And it is easier to do that, after the event though. Because if I panic, which leads to crying at the moment, there is zero chance for reflection at the time. It helps me, if I go back and think about things. I try to recognise the feeling I get when I start panicking, that butterfly feeling when I start to feel a little floaty. So that I know I need to calm myself down, and take myself out of whatever situation. Sometimes this helps, most of the time I still end up in a snotty, teary mess.

I currently waiting for a Doctor’s appointment so that I can try to get to grips with my anxiety. Because, right now, it feels a little out of control. I am functioning, I have been working, and I am starting to go back to the gym. It has left me with no energy at all, focusing on trying to do what I am supposed to. Focusing on the good stuff is hard, when you are exhausted from just living. That sound very bad, but that is why it is important to speak, write and seek help when you need it.

Working Through It

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Today I started work and I was panicking. I don’t know why, as I get spikes of anxiety for no reason. It’s like I think something is going to go wrong, like this impending sense of doom. It makes me easily irritable, and I cry at just about anything. It’s completely irrational. And it is so embarrassing. No one wants to see a 30-odd year old adult crying for no reason. But then I feel ashamed, and that makes my anxiety worse. It really isn’t very nice.

Luckily, in my job, I have the space where I can just go to a quiet area and work myself. Give myself a little breathing space. It also gives me the chance to focus on my work, a chance to be distracted by something that isn’t my own over-active imagination. If the area I am working in gets to busy, I have the ability to move somewhere else. And it is actually really cathartic, sometimes. Today, I have been able to focus on what I was doing. and it has really helped.

It doesn’t always work, as because my job is monotonous, it’s very easy for the mind to start to wonder. And times like that, it’s like I can’t do anything right at all. The silly thing is, what works one day, might not help the next day. And it is so frustrating. In the UK, if you are off sick, your first 5 days are unpaid. Which means, that people are forced to try and work through issues that they would maybe be better dealing with at home.

It can be really hard, but every time I make it through a day, which has been riddled with anxiety, I feel a wee bit proud that I did it. Even if no one else does.