Today I started work and I was panicking. I don’t know why, as I get spikes of anxiety for no reason. It’s like I think something is going to go wrong, like this impending sense of doom. It makes me easily irritable, and I cry at just about anything. It’s completely irrational. And it is so embarrassing. No one wants to see a 30-odd year old adult crying for no reason. But then I feel ashamed, and that makes my anxiety worse. It really isn’t very nice.
Luckily, in my job, I have the space where I can just go to a quiet area and work myself. Give myself a little breathing space. It also gives me the chance to focus on my work, a chance to be distracted by something that isn’t my own over-active imagination. If the area I am working in gets to busy, I have the ability to move somewhere else. And it is actually really cathartic, sometimes. Today, I have been able to focus on what I was doing. and it has really helped.
It doesn’t always work, as because my job is monotonous, it’s very easy for the mind to start to wonder. And times like that, it’s like I can’t do anything right at all. The silly thing is, what works one day, might not help the next day. And it is so frustrating. In the UK, if you are off sick, your first 5 days are unpaid. Which means, that people are forced to try and work through issues that they would maybe be better dealing with at home.
It can be really hard, but every time I make it through a day, which has been riddled with anxiety, I feel a wee bit proud that I did it. Even if no one else does.