Deep Breathing

December 17, 2015 ~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Uh oh!

Something has gone wrong, and I can feel the panic starting to rise in my stomach. What have I done wrong? How could I let this happen? I’ve let people down? And when this happens, there is not one iota of possiblity that can focus on anything else.

How do I react? I start getting cranky. If my work is stressing me, giving me more work doesn’t help my stress. I just go into a spiral where I just make myself feel worse and worse. So I take it out on the people around me. Which is unfair, because it isn’t their fault I am panicking. And then, I feel worse because I took it out on an innocent bystander.

Yep, quite a mental hole to get yourself out of, if I say so myself.

But I do sometimes get myself out of these blocks, which does make me feel better. A lot of the time, I don’t actually do anything. It is just the ‘state of utmost panic’ passes. No reason why it comes and goes, it sometimes works like that. Very unhelpful. Most of the time though, I have to actively seek to get myself going again.

I do that with a lot of effort and patience. I may take a ‘time out’ and go for a walk somewhere, away from where I am working. Being away from my work area, does automatically relax me. Sometimes I just close my eyes and try to breathe. I know it’s a cliche, but it is repeated so much because it’s true.

But the best thing to calm me down, is to try and talk to those around me. It’s probably just the distraction, but when I am in work, and I can’t just run off, it does help a lot. I work with some funny and great people, and I can always find someone who will make me laugh. It helps so much. Just a few minutes of light-hearted conversation can completely change my mood, and I can return to work with a completely fresh mind.

It’s nice sometimes, to find a way around the blocks your brain puts in the way. And the more solutions you find, the easier it gets to get on top of those mental health issues that so many of us deal with.

Good, Good

December 16, 2015 ~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I don’t say it a lot, but today was a good day. A good, productive and fun day.

I woke up with the attitude that I was going to focus on my work. Because sometimes I feel distracted, and that makes me feel a bit anxious about being useless. So I woke up rather enthusiastic to get my working week started. So I just decided to take the day as it comes, and live in the moment. Which is rare.

My issue with anxiety is that I tend to focus mostly on what’s going on around me, what could happen next and what’s gone wrong previously. And I worry. I worry that I’ll make the same mistakes, and that I’ll disappoint someone. Don’t ask me who I’m going to disappoint, I don’t know. It’s just a feeling I get.

I am trying to live more positively, as a rule. Whilst, it doesn’t happen a lot, I feel I should celebrate when it does happen. The more positive and happy feelings I can create about having a successful day, hopefully the more it can happen. It might be some kind of motivation to help me get my life on some kind of track where I’d be more satisfied in general. Hopefully.

Ball Of Sunshine

September 21, 2015 ~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I am happy.

For the first time in a long time, I am enjoying a period where I am experiencing a few more ups than downs. It is great, and not something I am used to. I am singing and laughing every day, instead of moping and crying. It is rather freeing being upbeat, it is like I am bouncing around without a care in the world. Nothing is getting to me, and it is a strange feeling.

The issue is. When you build your whole ‘internet life’ on helping you de-stress, what do you do when you don’t need to? I don’t feel the need to rant about things that have went wrong, because for some reason it doesn’t seem to be bothering me. Talking about it, may end up jinxing it all, but I feel that I should try to talk about it. No matter how much of a struggle it is, just because I want this blog to show an honest portrayal of me, and I need to show that people with depression and anxiety do have periods of happiness. It may not happen often, but it does happen.

So where did this feeling of happiness come from?

Recently I have been doing a job that I enjoy at work. I feel like I have a purpose. I feel like I can share my experience of the last few years in the business helping those less experienced. I am also taking an engineering course through a collaboration between my work and a local college, which is interesting. And then I have signed up for a Creative Coding class, through FutureLearn, which also looks exciting. It is the most ‘forward thinking’ I have been in a long time, and the way I am feeling shows that. Nothing may come of all that is going on, but my mental health is glad for the break. So forgive me, as I revel in being genuinely happy.

Buzz Buzz (BEDA)

April 21, 2015 ~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

This is a challenge for me to write today. Not for any other reason than, for a change, I am happy. Which I know sounds weird, but it’s true. And when I use blogging as a way to ‘let go’ of the negativity in my life, I always get a bit lost when I don’t feel so negative. I just don’t know what to write.

I guess I’ll maybe start with why I am so happy. I have been ill the last few weeks, with a cough and some eye/allergy thing. The cough is still here, but it is on the way out, and my eye isn’t bothering me nearly so much. Which is such a relief, but I found that I barely did anything last week. Because I was getting no sleep, I had no energy. It was horrible. But now I’m feeling a bit better, i have so much energy. The last 2 days I have went for long walks (4-5 miles) to try and get into shape. Because I have been sick a lot recently, and I am thinking that it could be because I am in RUBBISH shape.

So, in the last few days I jumped back on Weight Watchers and have been trying to walk as much as I can. Why walk? Well, it’s free, is really good for you and can save me money on bus fare. I think it has been so easy to jump into walking more, because it has been a really nice few days. And the sun being out always helps my mood.

What has surprised me most, is that, despite that I haven’t done many long walks recently, I wasn’t tired at the end. It was the opposite. I was buzzing and was a big ball of energy. I came home, and couldn’t sit down, so had a busy afternoon. It makes me think, I am normally a slow riser in the morning, maybe if I had a walk first thing, I’d have more energy for the rest of the day. I am going to try it for the next few days before work, and see what happens.

Happy List

May 20, 2014 ~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I haven’t been posting the last week or so, because I have been struggling to come up with anything constructive. I have had a few really bad anxiety days, and haven’t been able to focus on anything but that. So, in a bid to distract myself, I thought a little list of things that have made me happy over this last week. A bit of a reminder that life isn’t all bad.

-Music has helped me relax. There was a stage where I believed music was everything, but it isn’t. It just helps block out the bad thoughts and the irritants around me. It helps me focus on what I need to do for myself, which is what I need to do. Because it feels like noone else gives a shit about what happens to me, so I’d better start.

-Going for walks. I am rather lucky that I live in a place where I can walk through towns, forests or through towns. I find walking super relaxing and chills me out a lot. I can do a lot of thinking, and it is super good for my health. I don’t do enough for my health really.

-The weather has been pretty awesome. I am not a person who loves the heat, but the fact that it has been dry is enough to put me in a kick ass mood. The fact that the sun has been out when I go and finish work has had such an impact on my mood. Because I think that it is a little depressing when it feels you miss the whole world. And when the days are longer, it makes you feel like there is more going on for longer. Sounds daft, but it’s true.

-Working hard helps me forget my problems sometimes. It can be super busy at work sometimes, and because you are physically moving all day, it can help forget worries. But you have to be able to let yourself become absorbed by what your doing, which can be hard when your brain is going a million miles an hour.

-Having a strong sense of who I am, and the person I want to be. The last week or so, several people have attacked me personally, for how I act or what I believe in. I have been called a tease because I told a guy I was gay, and didn’t to go home with him. I have been called a bitch because I am offended when some of my so called friends told me I over-reacted. If I was drunker, that man could have taken me home with him for god knows what, despite me saying I am gay. That is disgusting. I didn’t do anything wrong, and am confident enough to know that, to know that society is wrong. They make excuses time and time again for men who think it is their right to have sex with whatever women they chose. I am proud that I stood up for myself, no matter how horrible I felt.

Howdy Doodie

November 4, 2013 ~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I am getting really bad at this update thing. Wish I had a lot more motivation. November is NaNoWriMo, and for the first time in 4 years, I am not even attempting it. The idea is that a person writes a full length novel in the space of a month. As enjoyable as I find the process, I have no motivation what-so-ever. If there is one thing that I hate, it is the thought that I could fail, which would be a certainty.

In my personal life, I am still working away in my temporary job. Money for Christmas, and for things that I have needed for months. It is a relief, that even though I do not have an abundance of money, that I can buy some of what I want. I can pay my way. Which is something that I struggled to do without a job.

I don’t think that I ever appreciated how difficult it is for someone to find employment once they lose a job. I was in constant employment for almost 13 years of my life, and yet I was unemployed for 6 months trying to find a job. I’d hate to see how bad it would have been, if I had never worked. But that is what some people face. With the unhelpful Job Centre staff, it is very easy to lose any hope of finding employment. And I imagine that feeling would get worse and worse, the longer that you were unemployed.

Long story short, I am happy where I am. Yes, it maybe isn’t idea to be working in a warehouse, but for the moment it pays my bills, and everyone there are so nice. I have been cross-trained in another department after under 2 months, which feels great. I feel like I can so something, and that I am useful. Once I force myself out of bed, I am in a great mood going to work. Which is a complete 180 on the sleepless nights I faced at my old job.

But working has me in a good mood. And considering what has happened over the last year, it is great to have my sense of purpose back.

Time Filled With Joy

October 22, 2013 ~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Life, is hard. A lot harder than what they told us in school. Which is a strange concept, when every teenager assumes High School is the hardest thing that they will ever experience. The forced human contact with people you don’t like, doing classes you don’t want to and being stopped from visiting the toilet outwith break times. As a student, I always felt victimised when I was at school, and I know I wasn’t alone.

But now, in adulthood, I have gone through many jobs, and realised that my feelings from school were mis-judged. School’s purpose is to teach you what you could use in adulthood. Yes, the subjects may not all relate to adult life, but the structure of High School does. In every job you are going to have to get on with people you don’t like, do jobs you don’t want to do, and work to a strict schedule. That is a part of life, and one of the most important lessons, is to do all this and still be happy.

To keep myself in a positive state of mind, I try to do little things that make me happy, particularly on days where I think I’m going to be stressed. I read a book, play Xbox, write a blog, watch a movie or just have a bath. I try to fill my downtime with things that make me happy. This coping mechanism seems to make everyday life a bit easier to deal with. Which is what life is about, in my point of view. Finding ways to deal with the hard stuff the world can throw at you. Something that helps make working a job you hate, worth it.

So, on this Tuesday evening, I hope that you remember what makes you happy, and go do it. Do it because it makes you smile. Do it because it is fun. Do it because it makes you end a bad day on a high. And do this every day. Maybe different thing on a different day, and don’t let the negativity of your professional situation spoil your life. You deserve to be happy.

Expelling Energy

September 2, 2013 ~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I have been awful restless over the last 6 and a half months. I have been out of work, and in a bit of a bad way, mentally. It has been a struggle doing anything, which is why I believe that this blog has dried up, and it has been so hard to get it rebooted again. To be honest, when you are not having to go to work or education, I think you can have the tendency to feel lethargic. Because if you chose to, you can sit alone, you don’t have to spend most of your days working or studying. So, your brain switches off. There is no focus for your thoughts, so you can just think about yourself and feel negative, because it may feel you are not going ‘anywhere’.

What has lead to this pondering, is the fact that I started a new job today. And having a focus to kick-start my energy has ended up with me wanting to fill my day with more. Whereas before, I was meeting a friend during the day, and it was great. That was all I did. I didn’t have any energy to write about anything, because I had no motivation to observe what was around me, because it all just seemed pretty damned depressing. Now, I feel like I have achieved something today. That is something that is debatable, especially due to the fact that today was 99% induction, and I actually did very little. But it feels like I am a part of society again, like I am a functioning person again and I have a purpose.

It maybe sounds a little over-kill, but it truly feels that revolutionary to me. It feels like a big thing in my life. With the 5am wake-up call forcing me into the world earlier than I would normally like, I feel like I have tapped into this unused source of energy, which has just propelled me through the rest of my day. I came home with a buzz, and that I wanted to write. I wanted to create something. I wanted to read a chapter of my book. I wanted to draw a few things. I have not felt this way in so long, it really is great.

My last job was wearing me down. I had taken quite a dislike to it, and that was making me depressed. I was clashing with people, and because it was taking all my energy just to turn up, the job was not being done right. I was exhausted both physically and mentally after there for only an hour. At the time, I didn’t realise this, and I pushed and pushed myself, despite not succeeding at the most basic of tasks. Maybe it was just a change that was needed? Maybe I needed to do something different? And it is only now, when I have started at a new workplace, is it I realise how much energy I have when I am happy about working. I wake up in a good mood, I go to work in a good mood, I come home in a creative mood.

Now, obviously, I can’t see into the future, and as such, I don’t know how long this job will make me feel like this. But, I feel like I have learnt a valuable lesson. I really am a threat to myself, when I let a job get at me, to the point I am crying every day. At the end of the day, as great as money is, nothing should ever make a person feel like they are unworthy. If something is making you feel so bad, that you are struggling to function, get it out of your life. Something negative can suck out all your energy, and believe me when I say that it is a horrible thing where the only thing that survives lack of energy, is self-doubt.

So be who you want to be. Fill your time with as much happiness as you can and enjoy the energy you get as a result.

Summertime

July 20, 2013July 20, 2013 ~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Although I am a winter lover, i also love the summer.

My favourite thing to do is to get up early and read in my garden. A time of relaxation, where the sun heats up the air slowly. Because it is early, there’s maybe a few dog walkers nearby, but it is peaceful. And it is a good environment to read through a hundred or so pages of whatever novel I have rented from the library.

If it gets to a certain degree of ‘hot’, I’ll lay my book aside and just watch people passing me by. I usually go into town, or a park and just watch people. It’s relaxing to watch others going about their day, even more relaxing when the sun is warming things up nicely.

The thing with summer is, that if it gets too hot, it can be exhausting doing anything. You cut the grass, and you become a sweaty, disgusting mess. And that is certainly enough to make me slow down and not be bothered doing anything else. I’m really lazy, so don’t need much of an excuse. And from the volume of people i see doing nothing, I think others agree with me. But lazy folk look for any excuse, really.

The summer brings out people’s fun side. As families cook barbecues or have waterfights, some take a crate of beers to the park to have with friends. People want to relax, and the increased brightness makes things seem that bit brighter and positive. I think it is great to see what a positive effect on people the sun has.
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This waffly mess of a blog comes from my warm back garden, and is sponsored by an unusual visitor to Scotland, the sun. Hope everyone is enjoying summer, and remember to protect yourself with sunscreen and plenty of water. ❤