My imagination that is.
How is it, that I can be all inundated with creative thoughts when I am at work, but as soon as I get home and get stuff out, I have nothing. This is something that has been happening for the last few weeks. And, if you have read this blog before, you’ll be no stranger to the fact that I don’t cope well with having no motivation.
I have heard that once you put too much pressure on something, it can become harder to do. So because I am trying to force myself to be creative, it is a lot harder to actually do. It was easy in college to blame the projects for my inactivity, but now I can do the projects that I want. I can design things in my own style. I should have this massive sense of creative freedom, now that I am freed from the boundries of education.
But I don’t. I just sit in my room and procrastinate about my failings in life. That is maybe how I am not so productive these days.
Procrastinate. That is the word of the moment. Because it seems to be all I can do right now. 😦
I swear I just make issues for myself sometimes.
I seem to be doing ok, and then I just mess up, and it’s noone’s fault bar my own. (Although it would be rather nice to have someone I could point the finger of blame at.) I need to get my head together and start working on getting myself out of this shit-pit known as my life.
The thing is, as good as all that sounds, I am a rather lazy sod reccently, so could really do without the hassle. I mean, I am just in this procrastinating, self-loathing state of mind. I am at the point, where I just feel like saying ‘what’s the point, it never gets anywhere’.
The issue is (and this is gonna get emo here)that I don’t feel I have ever excelled at anything. I am just a waster. It’s like, there is a sense of me getting somewhere, but I just fuck it all up, and end up abandonning everything. It’s a life-long habit. I did it at school, at college, and now at work.
I mean I am getting the chance to live my dreams, if I work hard enough. But I seem to think that if I stop caring about something, then it won’t matter when it all fails. Because, to be honest, I am a failure at everything I have ever tried.
I guess I am going to go on a bit of a rant today.
Getting sick of all these labels that get thrown about. I didn’t use to notice it when I was younger, but I don’t know whether that’s because I didn’t get involved with ‘alternative culture’ untill I became a bit older, and more confident. I used be the geeky art student, who blended into the background,. and was ignored by the vast majority of people at my school. As I have got older, I have found that my confidence has risen dramatically.
I am now 25 (almost 26) and tattooed and pierced, and have died my hair, so many colours. But I am more comfortable than I have ever been in my whole life. Ironic, then, that it is now that I get negative attention. Emo, goth, and other labels get thrown in my direction. It just feels that the when I attract attention its bad attention. Although most of the time, it’s just water off a ducks back, but sometimes, it does get under my skin. And when it does, I totally beat myself up on why I’m getting viewed like that, when I feel I have done nothing wrong.
People like to bring others down, no matter what it is. they feel that the only way to make themselves look better is to attack other people. To attack someone because they look different is the lowest of the low, and just shows someones ignorance. No matter what colour, religion or style everyone is the same. The sooner people zccept that the better.
It would certainly make my day-to-day life easier.