Tag: coping

Distraction

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

After a crappy few days, there is nothing better than focusing yourself on a task to help calm any bad feeling you may have. It is one of those things that seems impossible to do at times. I guess the important thing is not to force yourself to do something, especially if it is something that you may enjoy. Because forcing yourself on something you actually like, may take the joy away. It is supposed to be a respite for you, not simply another thing to give you anxiety.

I know, with myself, when I have a ‘bad turn’, I usually have to ride it out. I always try to do something, but if I am not in the right frame of mind, then nothing will help. I can easily sit and stare at the same page of a book for an hour, or zone out and miss 2/3 episodes of a TV show. These things that are normally relaxing for me, don’t seem to have the desired effect. There was a time, when I was younger, I actually thought my ‘zoning out’ was simply another thing that made me broken. Because for a long time, that is what I thought of myself. An unfuctioning, broken person. It has taken years of work to realise that I needed to give myself a bit of a break. Being harsh on yourself for having shit mental health, just makes your mental health worse. It is a vicious circle.

When I realised this, I started giving myself a time scale. For example, still staring at the same book page after 15 minutes, close the book and give it a rest. It became a rule that I followed, something I had to train myself to do. Because, if I didn’t, I would do nothing, and then feel bad because I had done nothing. I think that is the hardest thing about trying to self-manage your mental health. You should be strict enough with yourself that you push yourself forward, but you don’t want to be too strict and send yourself backwards. It is hard, and something it has taken me many years to try and get better at. But, I am getting there slowly.

What can be a distraction? Well, anything really. Here is a wee list of things that I use to help me feel a bit better.

Go for a walk- This could be anywhere. Luckily we have a lot of coastal walks around where I live, and I find the smell of the sea air quite relaxing. No matter where it is, a walk is something that gives you the good feeling of exercise. You may go to the park, walk to the shops, walk to a friends or even just walk round the block. I love walking, as it always has the ability of helping me de-stress.

Listen to music- Music can be great. It is a good way to block the world out, which is good if that is what is giving you anxiety. I have a variety of music tastes, and one day I’ll be listening to Pantera, the next Steps, and then some Faithless. Because different things can trigger my anxiety, different music can ease it. Unfortunately, I have a habit of leaving my iPod (with my full music collection) at home, but that is where iTunes, Spotify or Amazon Music come in handy. Every few weeks I make a new playlist. I pick a range of songs, from all different genres. It means, I can have the playlist saved to my phone, have music that is for my mood (whatever that may be), and it doesn’t take up all my phone’s memory.

Watch a TV show- This is hit and miss with me. I don’t have a lot of patience to sit and watch a TV show a lot of the time. But when I am in the mood, I can sit for several hours with the same program. The main services I use are Netflix and Crunchyroll. Again, I have a variety of shows that I am working through. So I can put on The Big Bang Theory when I need background noise, Pretty Little Liars when I want to sit and focus on something longer than 25 minutes or Naruto because I LOVE NARUTO. This again, is because my mood is never the same 2 days in a row, so I like variety.

Watch Youtube- I am addicted to youtube. It is the app I go on to when I am getting ready for bed. I love the variety. I love the variety of content that I can find on there. Watching some daily vlogs do inspire me sometimes, by seeing how motivated other people are, it kind of motivates me. I also like retro gaming, tech stuff (mostly mobiles and computers) and anime (Naruto) commentaries. The good thing is with youtube, especially on the most frequent app updates, you can click one video, and it will automatically set a playlist with similar videos, that it plays automatically. It never fails to cheer me up.

Draw something- I used to be better at this, than what I am now. Nothing I do, ever, compares to how drawing and painting makes me feel. Because of the lack of practice I do, the quality is kind of crappy, but that doesn’t even really matter to me. Whether the cat I drew, looks like a cat, doesn’t matter. I have bought myself these colouring books (the colouring for grown-ups, ones), and as much as I do enjoy them, they aren’t the same as doodling my own wee pattern, and colouring that in. My sketchbook is a mess, but it is mine, and sometimes I can look back and see progress in myself, in how I feel. Which is nice.

As I have said before though, you can do almost anything to distract yourself if you are struggling with mental health. But, do remember not to force yourself to do anything, give it a go, but if you can’t focus, stop. These things are usually so good at being distractions, because you enjoy doing them.

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Mental health is hard. If you are really struggling, you can visit your GP for help. I have found both Breathing Space  and Samaritans to be very helpful. You are never alone as what you feel, and there are so many people out there to help. 

Finding Footing Again

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

After yesterday’s non-starter, I kind of used today as a fresh start. I become better at dealing with things, if I don’t dwell on them. Which is hard, but it is something done with baby steps.

So, whereas I spent all day watching anime, and barely moving from my bed. Human contact was something I could not deal with at all. So, whilst I automatically switched on the TV again, I used the episode endings as time to do something. So one episode finished I’d go get dressed. Very silly and dragged out to some, but it actually worked. Slowly I got up, and did something with my day. That something was just nipping into town, but it was better than nothing.

The days after a really bad period are pretty slow. Something intentional, to kind of move forward slowly, rather than not at all. It is a method I have learnt over time. If I try to throw myself into things too much, I just end up back at square one, as if bouncing of an invisible wall.

Sometimes it is easier to focus on failure, and this ability to lose control of how I feel. I try to get the idea in my head of wasting time, which pushes me to move forward. I can be stubborn sometimes, and I certainly think that has helped me with dealing with my mental health. But being stubborn can also backfire, when I am feeling low and am too set in my mind, that I won’t even try to get up.

But as those worldly philosophers Timon and Pumbaa do say ‘you have to leave your past, behind you’.

Hakkuna Matata!

Still Here

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I feel I should appologise. The last few posts on here have been really negative. Mostly because I seem to suffer mental health issues in waves, and sometimes it’s like the tide keeps coming in till I am drowning. And at the last possible moment, where I can feel myself suffocating, I take a last gasp, and the waters slowly go away. Slowly. Sometimes the tide come right back in again, but sometimes it goes right away and I can stand on my own two feet again.

But, clumsy metaphors aside, I have been plowing on. Not that there is anything else that you can do really. But, I am getting there. Every time I feel like I have a good grasp on things, a curve ball is thrown, and I am all over the shot again. It’s annoying, but the more it happens, as things develop, I guess you have to change how you deal with such issues as depression and anxiety. The good thing is, the more I have to adapt how I act when feeling low, the easier it gets. Okay, maybe ‘easier’ is not the right word, but I feel like I am able to cope a little better, which is always a good thing.

My new coping mechanism is trying to give myself a day to meltdown if I need it. A day without feeling the need to hold everything together. The last few Sunday’s have been spent by me staying home, having a cry and feeling generally crap about myself. At the time, I did feel really bad about wasting an entire day, but by Monday I was feeling like a huge weight has been lifted. So I didn’t have to feel bad about it, and that made me feel really good. And that having one day where I can be an emotional wreck, is a theraputic thing.

Feeling really motivated, so hopefully that continues. 🙂

Try Hard

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

The last post I made here, I was in a bad place. I was feeling lonely, and a bit lost. Which is becoming normal, unforunately. My moods have become more like a see-saw. Just ups and downs, over and over again. 

I have worked hard to try and deal with the ‘downs’, almost like having a cushion on my imaginary see-saw to help the downs not feel so bad. There are times the ‘cushion’ doesn’t work, and i feel like I am back at square one. But that is something that will change in time. I mean, the difference in my own head this year, just by changing how I deal with the crap, is crazy. I am trying to help myself more, rather than just wallowing. I say trying, because sometimes things do get the better of me. 

And it is times where I do feel my lowest, that I am grateful for things like work. Whilst I may complain about my job, the routine, and the feeling I can make a difference does help. It helps me find purpose. Doing a single task, can help take my mind away from whatever mental roller coaster my brain is taking me on. 

It does take a lot of effort, a lot of work and hell of a lot of trying, to get to this stage. I do still get days, where I don’t want to deal with anything at all, so lie in bed most of the day, which is sometimes helpful. But having something that I can’t get out of, like work, does motivate me. And, yes, i do have to think that I can’t get out of it, because if I don’t, it becomes way too easy to phone in sick. 

But, that has taken time to learn. That whilst having a day off may seem to help, it doesn’t actually solve anything. I still feel crap, and the thoughts, that caused me to pull a sickie, are still in my head. The quickest way to deal with them, is to just muddle through. Try and do something. Try and make yourself feel better. By trying to do that, it has helped me understand more about myself and my mental well-being. 

Which can only be a good thing.

To-Not-List

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I have talked regularly on here, about what helps me get motivated. Because it has been something I have struggled with for years. One of the big things that has helped, has been writing ‘to-do’ lists. It is a simple way to methodically work through anything that is needing done. And the best thing is, that if you are feeling that little bit under motivated, you can make the items on your list. Like it seriously helped me tackle my anxiety, and I’d have days where I would have ‘put on socks’ and ‘go to bathroom’ on my list. But when I ticked them off, I’d feel motivated to get more of my list done, and I’d actually achieve something on a day where it would have been easy to do nothing.

But sometimes, a list doesn’t work. That happened yesterday. I came home with a huge plan of what I wanted to do. I wrote up a list, mostly chores, but also things like ‘tea break’. I came home, lay on my bed, and didn’t really move. I watched a movie, and then watched all the extras on the disc. Including commentary. And that was it. Nothing. So, when I woke up today, I thought about how to do an alternative. I needed to do something that would keep me going. Inspire me to do the tasks, like housework, that I don’t think anyone really wants to do.

But I came up with something that worked.

I filmed it.

I know that sounds silly. But, I just used my iphone and filmed wee clips as I got on with my day. And I did get everything done that I wanted to. And I even went out for a walk, and filmed bits of that too. Something that was really just me bumbling around doing what I needed to, ended up leading me to want to do something a bit different. It was a nice night so I went for a walk. It is amateur as anything, as it is all on my phone, but it was fun. I uploaded it online cause, I can. I like anything that leads me to express myself, and I ended up inadvertently doing that. The video is below.

I guess the point of this is, that sometimes what you may use to cope with any anxiety may not work. It hasn’t happened to me very often. I guess, the important thing is to stay calm. There is no need to panic, just know what it is that normally calms you, and just look at a different angle. All I did, by videoing my day, was record what I did slightly differently. And that small difference, made a huge difference to both my anxiety and productivity.

Me Versus Food

~ Sue ~ 2 Comments

I am 31 years old, and spent most of my life invisible. Not getting into fights, not hurting anyone, not hating anything. Doing everything I have been able to do, to stop any attention on myself. But, I am kind of lying here. I do hate something, and that something always has been food.

When I was 13, I got my first job delivering a local newspaper. I was starting to have problems at school, with people calling me names and making me feel like shit. I had friends, but whilst I could have the best times with them, I never really felt I could confide in anyone. So to make me feel better I decided to use my new income to buy something to make me feel better. Because I was getting under £5 a week (was a really shitty paper round), I could afford a magazine and one other thing. That other thing was usually junk food. A multipack of Wotsits, just cause they were my favourites. I’d eat them through the week, when I ‘needed’ a boost. That was just the start of it.

As I got older and as life got that bit harder, I guess I turned to food more and more. It became easier to eat a bag of Doritos than actually speak to someone about how I was feeling. And it has caused me a lot of problems. My health, is biggest problem. I have tried to deal with my weight, a lot, but as soon as I try to focus on succeeding, it is like my thoughts are diverted to think about failing instead. About being in a worse state than I am already. About being one of these people who dies in a room, that has to be lifted out their window by forklift, because they can longer fit through their own front door. Yes, my brain jumps to conclusions, but that is what it does. Makes me wonder what the point is of trying to make any change.

Just walking down the street makes change hard. In my local High Street area of less than 20 shops, there are 3 bakeries, 3 cafes, 2 chip shops, 1 pizza shop, 1 chinese takeaway and 1 Indian. And that is not including the 2 supermarkets and 2 paper shops, which also sell food. And most of the food is crap. Or they do sell salads, but it is hidden behind all the fizzy drinks and fatty snacks that I find so comforting. I want some healthy pasta, I must walk past cakes, pizzas, pastries, chocolate and just shit, which is usually cheaper than the healthy stuff. And I always crumble, because just walking past all that crap makes me feel so shit, that I crave that same shit to make me feel better. It’s some fucked up cycle of thoughts sponsored by sugar addiction and lack of care for myself.

And that is maybe the worst feeling. I know I am unhealthy. I know I am shortening my own life span. But, I can’t help it. I do try, but the accusations of not trying ‘hard enough’ just makes me give up. Not eating enough is classed as a mental health issue. Which is good. But us that over-eat, we are just fat, lazy and incompetent. Sometimes, I think that my life would be easier if food wasn’t a requirement for life.  Then it wouldn’t be featured on TV so much, in every newspaper, every website, just everywhere. Whenever I see food, I feel bad. It would be easy just to have block button, like you do on social media, where everything to do with food would disappear from my life. It would then make it easier to deal with.

I want to blame other people for feeling like this. But it is all my fault. They say silly jokes. Jokes that aren’t funny to me. Jokes that make me want to cry. But that isn’t anyone else’s fault. It’s not their fault I find it hard to talk. To people anyway. I just need to find a new way to deal with things, that isn’t me eating some greasy salty shit. Just don’t quite know how to do that.

Yet.

 

Let It Go!

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I have a problem.

And that problem is hoarding things. It is not having the ability to let go of stuff when I don’t use them anymore. A lot of the time things might not even get used that much, even at all. And it is terrible. It is a waste of money, but that doesn’t seem to matter. Being in my early 30s, I don’t think unnecessary purchases and hoarding them is unusual. When I speak to people my age about this, they have similar experiences as me.

There has been much said about the single, childless 30-somethings who find themselves clinging to inanimate objects like a consumerists wet dream. For me, my guilt is stationary. I always say that I am going to get myself organised and get my life to the stage where I am satisified. Not that I am dissatisfied with my life too much, more that life has never reached the high expectations that I had when I was younger. I guess that is one of the issues about growing older, but I can’t help feeling a little crestfallen.

I don’t know where my hoarding started, it is just something that seems to have happened over the years. It is trying to figure it what you do, when you realise that your purchasing habits are not the best they could be. How do you change it?

I suppose that it is like every other behaviour, to change it takes time. Due to rearranging a few things, I am attempting to downsize what I own, and it is proving quite hard. It feels like I buy stuff so that I have something to show for all the hard work I have done over the years. Which is silly, because books, DVDs, video games, they don’t matter, really. They are material things that make a person feel better for a while. But that feeling of joy that we get when we buy something is temporary, and because I have had issues with depression, I find that I cling to things that have made me feel better.

When you think like that, is it even possible to completely change a habit so significantly? It’s not even simply behaving different, it is changing how you react, how you deal with life. It almost seems so big, I don’t even know where to start on it.

Blue Monday

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

So I have been a little low recently. If you have read my blog before, then you’d know that I have had my struggles with depression. And whilst trying my best to function normally, i have been feeling a bit rubbish. I feel like a constant downer to people around me, so I just shut myself off for a bit. Just kept my head down. 

It’s how I have learnt to deal with things. Just hide away till I feel a bit better. Because as crap as I may feel, it does get better. And that way, I don’t bring anyone else down. It gives me a sense of control in dealing with something I actually have no control over. Which sounds daft, but it makes sense to me. 

I’m Addicted To You

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I was watching some show on TV last night, that talked about how easily people can become addicted to things. Be it narcotics or sky diving, people get addicted the good feeling, that comes with a particular activity. Everyone has something that they are addicted to. Whether it is watching Coronation Street without fail, having a whiskey every night or topping up your fake tan. There is something that you can do every day without thinking, something that you do because it makes you happy.

If that is the case, why do people like drug addicts and alcoholics become the most hated people in modern society. They aren’t really any different to you, except they just ‘get their kicks’ in a different way. It is just their addictions can lead to problems with their own bodies, and behaviour problems that effect the general public. So the final outcome of their addiction may be problematic, but do they deserve the damning that the majority of people give them.

I don’t think so. If you expect someone to accept that you are addicted to looking and feeling a certain way, surely alcoholics and drug addicts are no different. They, like us all, are just looking for something to help through life, and make things easier. Everyone has something that makes life a bit easier to cope with it. So why demean others for doing the same thing?