Avoidance is futile.

Throughout the COVID-19 pandemic, I have been one of those people, who champions mask wearing, and believing that there was some skill involved in me not catching the virus. I worked in a warehouse throughout, and a lockdown happening, just meant that my petrol was cheaper. I wasn’t aware but I seemed to have developed a superiority complex, where I felt that I was doing things right, that is how I stayed virus free.

Which, was all fine until I discovered that I had caught COVID. Whoopee!

My health has been questionable for, at least, the last month. I felt exhausted, sick, tired, I would manage work, then just come home and crash. I had a lot of ‘medical things’ going on, so I assumed that is what was making me sick. Then, a few weekends ago, I went from feeling rubbish, to feeling like death warmed up. I was running a fever, I had a cough (I currently seem to have a perma-cold), and the worst bit, I had this horrible rash all over my body. It was awful. And I immediately tested myself, using a lateral flow test, and I was negative. I tested a few times over the course of a few days, all negative. So my mind, being the anxiety driven mess that it is, jumped to the next possible answer. It must be my new medication. I had started immuno-suppressants for my rheumatoid arthritis, and one of the reactions was a rash with swelling around the face. This is what I had, so I called my GP, concerned what was happening. After a few tests, she thought it was a virus, so advised me to go and get a PCR test, but to contact the arthritis care team, in case it was my medication. The PCR test came back positive, and the nurse said ‘it could be a reaction, or it could be covid’. So, I had to come off my arthritis meds, until I know I have gotten over COVID properly.

I am just exhausted. It has taken me months to get the right medication prescribed, a lot of calling up and emails. I get very anxious when I have to chase anything up, so most of the interactions ended up with me having a panic attack. Which was just lovely. And, I am feeling frustrated, because if I get any reaction at all with this medication, I have to stop and we have to try something else. It’s like going round in circles. It feels like I have so many issues, right now, and COVID has just taken a huge dump in the middle of everything. It’s annoying.

At least I am able to go back outside. I am just not used to having to spend so much time at home. I am used to being able to go to the shops, or go visit friends, whenever I want. I couldn’t even have dinner with my family. I was just lying on my bed feeling sorry for myself. I never had a lockdown, I never spent lots of time at home during the pandemic, I went out to work. And, I think that is why I found it hard, I felt useless and horrible. So, I am happy that my life is going back to normal. But I will still be wearing a mask and carrying my hand sanitiser around.

Head Full Of Fluff And Stuff

I am feeling all angsty, right now. Something, that I had assumed would have left by now. It hasn’t and I just don’t really know what to do about it. Maybe having sleepless nights over the trivial things in life, is a sign that I need to do more. That I am emotionally unsatisfied with what I have done in my 32 years on this planet.

Well, I am unsatisfied. I found an old diary which had me writing down my High School study schedule, to try and make my last year or so a success. It didn’t happen, I did nothing and got nowhere. The college course I went to when I left school, was dependant on the grades I got when I was 16, not the ones I got when I actually left school, at 18. I wasted 2 years, because I didn’t feel I was ready, and that has been a theme of my life. I may get round to some things, but its more of an eventual accident, rather than doing something when I actually give a shit about it.

And living in such a way has left me feeling very shit about my life. And I don’t know who to speak to about it. I have friends, but they have their own lives. And whilst I feel comfortable listening to their issues, I don’t want to bog them down with whatever crap is in my head. It isn’t fair to bring someone else down to my level, when they are working through stuff so much worse than mine. I try to write, to draw, to find outlets for my building anxiety, but sometimes it doesn’t work. You need someone to say that things are going to be alright. I try to do it for other people, but nothing in return. Comments telling me to ‘grow up’ or that ‘I am a lovely person’ are not really required. I just want someone to listen.

Not having someone to share issues with, is like a crushing weight. Something that you might be able to bear on good days, but on bad days it has you unable to even take one step. I’ll be honest, I am dealing with stuff better myself. I have been working very hard the last few months, trying to find ways to cope, small activities to try and lift my mood. But it doesn’t always work. Sometimes, things (2 friends changing plans on the same day), takes it’s toll. There is nothing to distract me from feeling that it is all my own fault. That I must be a really shitty person, that I get dropped at the first opportunity.

I try to optimistic on this blog. But sometimes, that just isn’t how it works. It’s hard to be optimistic, when you think you have reached a benchmark, made a break through, and then you go back to square one. And it is a lonely place. A horrible place. But time tells me, that carrying on makes me feel better. At some point. Might be a day, a week or a month away. And that is something to aim for. But, there is also a sense of dread, because I will feel like this again. I will be crying over nothing. Until things change, and I make things better.

But, what’s the point?

Computer Says No

I have spent the last 10 minutes getting my iPhone to charge using a cable with a loose connection. Again, I curse at technology as my phone dies, and I have to search around for another cable, of which I have came into ownership of a ton. And only about half of them actually work.

This hasn’t been my only issue with technology recently. I have had to use a lot of computers at work, which are shared. Like sometimes more than one account can be logged into the PC at a time. Which is handy when there is limited computers available, but not very good when you rely on the PC being fast. To do the job I do, I need multiple programmes open at once, and I must be able to jump between them all seemlessly. This does happen, when someone on another profile jams the print queue, and just logs out. And it happens a lot, and the only way to fix is to restart everything. Which takes way too long. 

So, to humour myself the other day whilst my PC was resetting, I thought of a few things that could be done whilst waiting for a work PC to load.

1) Have a cup of tea, even watching the kettle boil would be quicker than the PC. 

2) Do the Metro crossword. And that includes colouring in boxes so that my words fit. 

3) Annoy several colleagues by singing Christmas songs. 

4) Attend a First Aid incident. It’s okay, I am trained.

5) Go for a walk and see how other colleagues are doing. 

6) Sweep the floor and tidy up. At a push. 

7) Cry at the pile of work getting bigger, that you can do nothing about. 

8) Try to give ‘new starts’ directions, and confusing them when I say ‘right’ and point left.

9) Go to stores and refill all the paper and pen supplies.

10) Realise that I would be quicker doing everything manually.

Feeling Enslaved

So this post a day think came into a blip. Where I am unable to access WordPress through my work computer, and my phone decided it didn’t like being online. So everytime I accessed an app which needs an online connection, I just got a plethora of error messages. And then the ‘internet access’ PCs couldn’t connect online. But it’s ok. O2’s dodgy 3G connection came back on. *cheers*

But this is a challenge. I have to make the effort to post. Which makes me feel like I have achieved something, because I have overcome something. I think that as soon as effort is put in, you feel more distinguished because of that effort. It doesn’t really matter what the thing is. Or I don’t think it does, not to me anyway.

Besides, the effort I need to make, stops my mind from wondering, and that’s where issues come into it. I overthink, and seem to dig up drama which isn’t there.

Friday Feeling?

My Friday feeling, right now, is sick.

Lovely. Just what I needed when I remember I booked an overtime shift starting at 8.30 am. -.- This is good, because it gives me more money. But it sucks, because I am no longer used to getting up early. This meant I woke up with about 20 minutes to wake up and be at the bus stop. This was not perfect by any means, and it took me till about 11am till I was properly awake.

Yes, talking about billing is bad enough when one’s brain is 100% in gear, without me making things worse. But hey, I seem to always be dedicated to making things suck and be irritating. But hey, what would I moan about if life was perfect?

Other than overworking, something which is about as welcome in my life as a weight watchers representative, I am glad to inform that life has been pretty boring. But when is it not? If life was all go-go-go, I’d probably die of a heart attack due to pure exhaustion.

I did this whole creative thing last night, and made a late-night vlog. Oi! Not that kind of vlog. What kind of person are you? Filth! I did a video which was to help friends with recommendations of sites for their uses. Unfortunately, it did not render well, or record well. In fact, the whole thing was a disaster. To the point that I am going to get home and delete it as soon as I can. Unless youtube did something to it overnight.

Sorry for the pointless moaning. But that’s why I have this. So I can say what’s on my mind. 🙂

Enjoy your Friday!