Tag: birthday

Another Year Round The Sun

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

It is my birthday today. I am 41. Birthdays seem a lot less fun than what they used to be. I have spent the day relaxing, and contempating.

That’s all birthdays become once we get older, or that’s what they have become for me. Wondering why is it that I have have seemingly sidestepped what every other adult has decided is the benchmark for life. This belief that if you don’t achieve these pre-existing terms of service, you haven’t lived. No child. No marriage. No mortgage. Being alive, and having a job is expected, but you are looked down on for not doing certain things.

There are times where I can brush it off Tell people that my 20s were where my mental health crumbled. Where suicide wasn’t even a thought, it was actively attempted. My 30s were about trying to pick myself back up again. Was diagnosed with Rhuematoid Arthritis, after years of complaints and fighting with doctors. ‘Horrific cramping in your hands stopping you from doing things? Maybe you just need to go to WeightWatchers.’ It has been hard, and I am feeling better than I did a decade ago. Still not 100%, but better.

But there are times where I feel a loss. Feel like I have been so stupid that I have not been able to be successful. So insecure, that I must be 10000% honest and share everything, and then put my foot in it. Losing out on oportunities. So I then stop saying everything, and try to only say what other’s want to hear. But somehow that is wrong too. It is like every step I take, there is a pothole that causes me to stumble and fall, whilst everyone else walks by unaffected.

This feeling doesn’t go away. And I don’t write about it for sympathy. I write about it to help lessen the weight it hangs around my neck. That getting the thinking out my head, allows me to focus on something else. Sometimes the ‘something else’ is more of the same. But, every once in a while, that ‘something else’ is something a little brighter, a step in the right direction.

Though, it has become abundantly clear, I don’t quite know where the right direction is.

Ain’t Too Bad

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

A few days ago, I posted on here speaking of my nerves at turning 40. I think my brain, as usual, was making a bigger deal out of things than it needed to. Like, I have a tendency of feeling the need to put closure over something, just to a have a fresh start at things. In the past, it has been the only way that I have been able to pick myself up and carry on. But at the same time, I end up still thinking about past failures, and don’t really put my best foot forward.

I honestly don’t quite know what I expected to happen when I turned 40, which happened yesterday. I think I felt bad that I had no real plan to celebrate, and was quite happy having a nice time. I went out to the pub with my family, received some cool gifts (HMV voucher, new Scotland shirt, Lego McLaren F1 car), and generally had a calm day. It was raining all day, but that never stopped anything. I tried to sort my passport out, in the hope it comes quickly.

McLaren F1 car all built and ready to race.

Today I saw my nephews, received some cool books (if anyone ever struggles with what to gift me, a book is always a winner), and finally had some birthday cake. I also went for a wee evening walk, with my folks around Edinburgh. It was dry, and I didn’t think it was too cold. I haven’t been for a walk in Edinburgh for a while, and hopefully, with the lighter evenings, we can do it more regularly.

Looking across Princess Street Gardens, Edinburgh

So, it has been a good start to 40. Long may it continue

Another Year Older

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Birthdays used to be fun. They used to mean parties, being spoilt rotten, and the promise of getting older. When you are little, it feels like the world has all these possibilities, that you need to get older to do. It was exciting, it was fun.

Now, in my 30s, that is no longer the case. In fact, my last few birthdays have included time where I have sat on the floor and cried my eyes out. Feeling like I have wasted another year, and that I am never progressing in anything other than age. It always puts a downer on stuff.

I guess a lot of the feelings around birthdays come from others. It is an automatic reaction to look at those around you, and assess how they are doing compared to you. And, well, I have always assumed everyone is much further ahead than me, especially as I’ve got older. Folk are having kids and getting married, and I am not anywhere related to that. Any progress I do make, is slower than a bloody snail. For example, passed my driving test last year, still don’t have a car.

Things are different this year. Though it might not appear so. I am working hard to be better. I am making progress, which is better than none. Babies, moving house, getting a dog, new job, it doesn’t matter what progress is, as long as you move forward, you doing okay. Which is why I am trying to stop comparing my life to others. Yes, most of my friends actually have a career, or a house, or a partner, but they don’t equal anything other than personal growth. And people grow at different speeds.

Or that’s what I am trying to convince myself anyways. Here’s to being 33. Let’s improve on last year.

Thumbs Up!

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Today I am feeling very positive. Like that I can take on the whole world. Which is something that doesn’t happen very often. It may be that taking time out and doing things for myself is working, or it may just be that I haven’t been working for most of last week. Either way, it is a nice feeling. And, as I have mentioned before, I want to show a bit more of a balance on her. Making the point of writing when I am doing well, not just when I feel rubbish.

So, I am taking this feeling of positivity and turning it into actual stuff. That stuff includes writing, like this, and getting things ready to shoot a video tomorrow. Yes, I am another person who sometimes vlogs (video blogs). Nothing makes me feel better than expressing myself, and the more avenues I have to do that, the better I feel. I started off well with my vlogs, at the start of the year, but I have since fallen off that horse long ago. But, as I have said before, it is not about not doing something, it is about carrying on with that thing after a period of not doing it. If that makes sense.

I feel buzzed today. As much as I would like to think it is because it was my birthday yesterday, I know it isn’t. Being on the wrong side of 30 kind of has the opposite effect that my birthday used to have. But, I do always take time out of work for my birthday, so maybe it did help. So I was sitting around feeling a bit hyper today. So i decided to do something useful, and spend a while rambling some nonsense. Again.

This post was created under the influence of:

This video by Tessa Violet (Meekakitty)

This song by Good Charlotte

This album by Babymetal

 

Not as bad as I thought

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

So birthday was rather fun yesterday.

Ok, most of the day was spent sitting around doing nothing. (I tell myself I was chilling out, because it makes the nothing seem like it is an actual activity.) I got a new pair of jammies a new iPod dock, seeing as I broke my old one. -.- I have a tendency for breaking things, sometimes I think it is the only thing I am able to ‘do well’.

And then I come to one of the few good things about Facebook, it reminds everyone of your birthday.  Which one hand leads to lots of empty ‘happy birthdays’, but on the other hand, it makes you feel good that people actually think enough to wish you a happy birthday. It’s nice. that someone did think of you, even if it was just for the 10 or so seconds it took them to type a message on your Facebook wall. So it made me happy, and also made me feel a little bit loved.

I have to say, I was a giggly fangirl when this came through:

And if you know me at all, you’ll know how insanely happy and hyper it made me. Seriously was in the middle of writing a movie review for The Eagle (good film, btw) and I just became a mess. I couldn’t focus on anything, so spent what was left of my birthday watching My Little Pony, like the hardcore individual that I am.

And how much do I hate Twitter, that it messed up the PMs so much, that TweetDeck was the only place I could get a decent picture of it. -.- But I swear, I got it on my phone and stared at it for a whole 10 minutes. And then went all…

Anyway, hope people have a great start to the week.

Mood: Hyper

Music: Blink 182- Dumpweed

Condolonces On Another Birthday

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

As much as I try to be positive about it, I always end up crying at least once on my birthday in an overwhelming dose of self-pity.

Birthdays are a natural point where someone can look back on their last year, and deem whether it’s been a success or not. Unfortunately, I don’t have many years I count as being successful. I am 27, still working a crap part-time job, still living at home, still a total waster. No matter what I try to think about, it’s always the same negative points my thoughts lead back to.

I guess, I just have to take a deep breath. In the last year I saw Blink 182 and Good Charlotte, I met Charlie Harper and John Robb. I got the chance to meet Good Charlotte fans I have spoken to for years. Got a new Good Charlotte album. Got a new Green Day album. Somehow became an expert on blogging, and helped a few people get started with posting things. I bungee jumped. I got hammered at Blackpool Pleasure Beach and went on the Pepsi Max. I got addicted to coffee. I got re-addicted to Green Day.

A lot did happen that actually makes me feel good about the last year. It’s just trying to train myself to focus on these things. But at 27, it is not easy to kick the habit of thinking about the negatives. I am trying to get past the thoughts that I am almost grieving my birthdays as I get older. It’s hard. It’s painful to know that you aren’t going to be able to achieve all the things you thought possible as a kid.

Being a realistic adult is such a drag.

Mood- beh!

Music- Green Day- Jesus of Suburbia

 

Holiday Work?

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

So I’m off college for two weeks. 🙂 And I have decided ro do a lot of work, to catch up on everything.

So first proper day of holiday and I wake up at midday. Which leads to me lounging around and doing nothing till I venture out for work later on. So, kind of not productive, when you consider other than making a toasted cheese sandwich, this blog is the most productive I have been all day. lol

Oh well. I’m going to try and get some stuff tonight when I come home from work. Gonna put on the Watchmen DVD, and just relax, and play catch up on everything. 🙂 Well, I am going to sit and get my thumbnails sorted for my graded Unit. I got a C last year for my Graded Unit, so my aim is to blow that result out the water this year. So far, the project is a lot cleaner and a lot more detailed, I just hope I can keep that up 😕

I suppose it was my birthday weekend, so I’m trying not to be so harsh on myself, as that usually brings what little motivation I have to a stop. So I’m trying to not stress out about it. I am going to try and sort my room out tomorrow, because it is covered in sketchbooks, clothes and empty fag packets.

I know, its such a sexy image 😛

xx