Tag: anxiety

Nothing To Say

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

When you create online content as a hobby, it can get very frustrating when you can’t create. Because everything I do online, be it blogging, video creating or art related things, is a method to help me deal with mental health, sometimes it gets a bit hard. The words I write down don’t sound right, or I can’t draw what I am feeling. It feels really stifling.

When I get like that, I feel stupid, because the things that are meant to relax me, aren’t. And I get really panicky and anxious, because what kind of person can’t write a few paragraphs or draw a picture. And I feel awful. The only way I can get out of that negative state of mind, is to do something else. Recently that has been jumping in my wee car and going for a drive. I always end up at the beach, somewhere.

That’s were I am right now. Listening to the waves, smelling the sea air and reading a new book. I feel super relaxed. I am going to try and go back into my schedule of posting 3 days a week. But if I miss out a few days, or weeks, it might be that I am struggling with my mental health. And that’s okay. I just felt I should share.

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A lot of people read my posts via Facebook, who have decided they shall no longer share posts automatically with personal profiles. This means I will have to post manually, or create a ‘page’ for myself, as it still works with there. And that is frustrating in itself because Facebook wants you to pay to promote your posts to your own followers. It’s a pain. And I don’t know what to do about it yet.

Know Yourself

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

Every day, things happen that push your personal boundaries. It doesn’t have to be anything too different from ‘the norm’ for you to feel any strain from the situation. Not for me anyway. I can find pressure in situations that are completely calm and contain no pressure. I think it is the way that my brain is wired.

I have problems with anxiety, which I have discussed before, and sometimes situations can make me on edge. Today, for example, I was the ‘designated driver’. It wasn’t anything specific that made that choice, went into town with the family, and it was my car we took. Which is fine. But there it was Highland Games day in Burntisland, so I drove down there, family in tow, to have a wee walk around. We ended up in the pub, and as the driver, I obviously couldn’t drink. Which is fine, I don’t have to drink all the time. But, the pubs were heaving. It was really warm, and room temperature diet coke wasn’t really helping. People kept bashing against me, and it was making me really anxious. People we knew came in, and it didn’t really help. I was needing some fresh air away from the crowds, I could myself starting to panic.

My family, being who they are, were like ‘We’ll come too’. So everyone went outside, and it was okay. We drove home, and I had no panic attack. But, then the rest of the family wanted to go to the pub back in the town that we live. I had to say that I wasn’t going to go. When my nerves have already been on edge, I know that it is probably not a good idea to drink alcohol. After all, there is a high chance that the anxiety I had experienced earlier would return.

I think it is important to go with what you feel is right. Don’t feel like you should do a particular thing if you don’t want to. Use your previous experiences when going forward. I know that if I have panic attacks, alcohol can affect the negative thinking that causes them. So, to be safe, it is always a good idea to stay away from it. And, I think that is a good idea for anyone who has mental health problems, to be aware of possible triggers and problems.

Sleepiness

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

Seeing every hour on the clock. It’s annoying isn’t it? When you are in bed, but your brain won’t shut down. I usually go to bed to sleep between 11pm and midnight. Which allows me time to get what I need done after work.

I set my alarms, put my tablet and phone to the side, and get comfy. I get relaxed and feel great. This is the moment I have been waiting for all day, since I left my bed that morning. I’m ready to just float off to dream land.

But it doesn’t always happen.

I can start thinking about events that have happened, or, more likely, I am thinking about what is coming the next day. I toss and turn. I go for a drink of water cause my mouth suddenly feels dry. I hear cats fighting outside so listen for them to go away. I need a pee. I can’t get comfy. I have an itchy foot. Maybe I can read for a while?

After about 3 hours of struggling to sleep I put something on my tablet. Just the news or some game stream I can watch in the dark. Something that normally makes me sleepy. Something that doesn’t always work.

Working a 10 hour shift is always the most fun on no sleep. I just hope I sleep tonight. But I wish for that every night.

Take a Breath

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Been needing to take time out recently. Stepping away from the stuff causing me to get worked up. It is a thing that sounds very straight forward, but you can easily fall in to the trap where you believe you are ‘coping’.

A walk to the coast sometimes helps.

I have been trying to recognise what situations get me frustrated or triggers my anxiety. If I do get them, I go for a walk. Even if it is just 5 minutes outside, it helps clear my mind, as it takes me away from whatever situation is making me feel panicked. It really does help. I think it goes hand in hand with the explanation that exercise can make you happy.

If I can go for a walk, because it sometimes isn’t possible, I just stop what I am doing and take a few deep breaths. It’s just focusing on your breathing, that helps calm me down.

Whoops

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I want to apologise.

I said I was going to post regularly (every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday), and I haven’t. I am not going to show up with empty excuses, but be a bit honest instead. I am very good at signing up to do too much and then fall under the weight of everything. Doing a lot of work is only good if you are able to keep up-to-date with your schedule.

I fell apart last week. It is my first week being on anti-depressants for many years. Whenever I think about it, I get stuck on the feeling of failure, that I wasn’t able to cope, when I had been coping for years. Except, I don’t really think I had been ‘coping fine’. I think I have been treading water and pretending I was okay for a long time, when I wasn’t. But, I did get help eventually, which is good.

As anyone, who takes any mental health medication, will tell you, it does take time for medication to take effect. And, it can make you extra lethargic and sleepy as you get accustomed to the medication. And, I believe that is what has happened. Everything I do, has different importance. So, whilst I love writing and being creative, my actual full time job is more important. I need to pay the bills that allow me to do the things I love. So, I have been ptuting everything into getting to work, and functioning whilst I am there. And, it has been exhausting.

I am also still doing my IT course with the Open University. I will be honest and say, that I have fallen behind because of everything that has been going on. But, I am still chipping away at everything. I will get there eventually. And that is how I feel about everything right now. Deal with one thing at a time.

Perseverance

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

So, I started posting regularly again, by saying that I would post every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.  You will notice that today is Tuesday, and there was no post yesterday. I’ll be honest, it was a bad day. I had a few panic attacks and ended up spending most of the day with family. Which was nice.

I guess, what I want to say, it is okay to take time out. I still plan on writing 3 posts this week, it is just that 1 post is a day late. You can still be motivated, and not push yourself too hard. Which, is something that is important. Because when you force things, you sometimes end up doing more damage. And, that is the tricky thing. Having to learn the balance between pushing enough to get things done, and pushing past that. It is a difficult balance.

But, it is important to never give up. If you can’t do something, it is okay to side-line it till later. Stuff will still be there for later. And, if it is urgent, speak to people. It is surprising how supportive people are if they know what is going on.

Impatient

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

If I really want something, I don’t like waiting. I want it now. I have always been the same. Sometimes I am like a child whining for dessert, when they still have their dinner to eat first.

I passed my driving test a year and a half ago. I had a car, which was in a crash, so ownership was short lived. Yesterday I got another car, after over 6 months of not driving. Now, I don’t mind the bus, but when it takes me so much longer to get home after a shift, it gets to become an annoyance. The bus fares are constantly going up, where I live, and the services seem to be getting worse.

So I finally got a car yesterday. A wee VW Beetle and I love it. Been for a few drives since I got it, and I am so happy. I have money saved away, to help fix it if anything needs done. Because it is an older car, from 2004. I missed being able to go out for a drive. But part of me still is fearing about another crash, so I think ‘if the car is at home, there can’t be an accident’. I need to get out of that thinking, as I think it is still making me nervous.

But after a few weeks of really bad anxiety, the feeling of something going right, is nice.

Ups And Downs

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Mental health can be a funny thing sometimes (funny, strange, not funny, ha ha). It is a thing that is completely unpredictable and can be very random. I say this, because mental health a part of every single person, it just effects us each in a different way.

Life, in itself, has it’s ups and downs, no matter who you are. There is a saying, that I read once, can’t remember where, which said that life is a mixed experience, and we must take special effort to remember the good times over the bad. Which is nice, if awful idealistic. As much as I do remember the good times, I also have a habit of over-reacting to the bad stuff.

This is why, I find it good to write things down. When I am writing a post, I am trying to rationalise anything that I have been through. And it is easier to do that, after the event though. Because if I panic, which leads to crying at the moment, there is zero chance for reflection at the time. It helps me, if I go back and think about things. I try to recognise the feeling I get when I start panicking, that butterfly feeling when I start to feel a little floaty. So that I know I need to calm myself down, and take myself out of whatever situation. Sometimes this helps, most of the time I still end up in a snotty, teary mess.

I currently waiting for a Doctor’s appointment so that I can try to get to grips with my anxiety. Because, right now, it feels a little out of control. I am functioning, I have been working, and I am starting to go back to the gym. It has left me with no energy at all, focusing on trying to do what I am supposed to. Focusing on the good stuff is hard, when you are exhausted from just living. That sound very bad, but that is why it is important to speak, write and seek help when you need it.

Working Through It

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Today I started work and I was panicking. I don’t know why, as I get spikes of anxiety for no reason. It’s like I think something is going to go wrong, like this impending sense of doom. It makes me easily irritable, and I cry at just about anything. It’s completely irrational. And it is so embarrassing. No one wants to see a 30-odd year old adult crying for no reason. But then I feel ashamed, and that makes my anxiety worse. It really isn’t very nice.

Luckily, in my job, I have the space where I can just go to a quiet area and work myself. Give myself a little breathing space. It also gives me the chance to focus on my work, a chance to be distracted by something that isn’t my own over-active imagination. If the area I am working in gets to busy, I have the ability to move somewhere else. And it is actually really cathartic, sometimes. Today, I have been able to focus on what I was doing. and it has really helped.

It doesn’t always work, as because my job is monotonous, it’s very easy for the mind to start to wonder. And times like that, it’s like I can’t do anything right at all. The silly thing is, what works one day, might not help the next day. And it is so frustrating. In the UK, if you are off sick, your first 5 days are unpaid. Which means, that people are forced to try and work through issues that they would maybe be better dealing with at home.

It can be really hard, but every time I make it through a day, which has been riddled with anxiety, I feel a wee bit proud that I did it. Even if no one else does.

Water-proof

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

As I mentioned yesterday, I am looking to get healthier. It has become clear, that to get anything that I want, I need to really fight for it. This is something that probably seems a really obvious thing, that you have to go and get anything you want in life. When you have times where you can barely get up out of bed, no matter what is happening, it is hard to think you have to fight more than you already do.

But this is a different kind of fighting. It is fighting for yourself, rather than against. It’s about daring to think about the future, rather than being focused on the past. Which is easier said than done. Most of my problems from anxiety, come from relying on negative past experiences shape how I believe things will turn out in the future. It is something that I do subconsciously, and the resulting behaviour has been going on for years.

Trying to make my outlook more positive is difficult, and it feels like learning something completely new. Something that can be very scary, especially when it is about things such as your own behaviour. I do better when i try to do things bit-by-bit. For example, I have been feeling bloated at work, and i usually drink diet coke at breaks. Which tastes nice, but it isn’t very good for you. So I have a new water bottle, which I will drink from all day. I don’t take money with me down on the shop floor, so I am not buying crisps or anything

Drinking water should be the most natural thing in the world, but it is quite hard to drink more of it. When you try to drink more water, you start to realise how much crap you drink through a day. And, in this journey to becoming healthier, I think that paying attention to what I eat and drink is a good thing. Whilst I feel a lot better already, in drinking just water, I do need to pee a lot more.