Tag: anxiety

Daily Routine?

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

Do you have a daily routine?

I don’t. And it works me up sometimes, because everything just ends up a mess and I panic. I get very anxious if I feel out of control, yet at the same time, I am constantly struggling to get organised. Everything is always such a muddle, as it has always been. And it sometimes gets to the stage when I have panic attacks because of the stress.

I try to write lists. As these can sometimes calm me down. It helps me gain a little bit of control, stops my brain working at 90 miles an hour. It also helps to sometimes document the way I’m feeling. That way I can feel like I am ‘talking through’ what nonsense is in my head, without feeling I am imposing on anyone. As silly as it sounds, it does help me.

A piece of advice I get a lot, to help lower anxiety levels, is to start a daily routine. Same things every day, just so that I have a solid foundation to work off. So that if things do go a bit wrong, I can deal. At the moment there is no standard routine, so everything is all over the place in general, and when something goes wrong, it gets worse. So, I am going to spend the next few days trying to figure out a routine that I can do EVERY DAY. A routine that isn’t me getting out of bed 10 minutes before I need to leave the house.

Stay Away!

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Sometimes it is easier to close the doors, rather than letting the world in to see and judge the inner workings of your life. If a person is having problems with their own life, the last thing they feel they need is someone else putting in their own ‘two cents’ on the situation. Or something worse, you are told there ‘is no situation’. Which means, whatever you are unhappy about is not worth being unhappy about. I mean, who has the right to say what makes another person happy or sad?

But by keeping the outside world out, all that happens is you ‘bury the head in the sand’. And for a short time, maybe it seems to work. No one to question your behaviour, or asking ‘how you are’, and no lies need told to cover up your distress. You can work, and be a ‘strong person’, you can pass off the appearance that everything is okay. And the only reason that those around you, think you are okay is because you don’t let them close enough to see anything different.

This doesn’t solve any problems though. The feelings of anguish, and whatever caused the issue, are more than likely, still there. So all you have done is make it harder to talk to people, as you begin to see yourself as a burden. They have been happy without you sharing, so why worry them with your mess?
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I act like this a lot. It seems easier to put my problems into a ‘no go’ area of my mind when it comes to talking to friends, in a bid to become normal. But, there is no such thing as ‘normal’, every person has their little flaws and positives. Nobody has an ‘easy life’ it is just the perception you can get as a by-stander. Some people can hide certain things from some, but they will have someone that they’ll confide in.

I have ‘locked people out’ and it has just made it harder find reason enough to turn to someone. It has left me alone with my problems. That’s where the Internet has come into play, it has been a place where I can talk through my issues without feeling I am being a burden. It maybe is not the best way to cope, but it has helped me think about my life in a healthier way than bottling it up.

What about you? Do you try to keep your issues to yourself? How do you cope if things get harder?

A Confession About Online Expression

~ Sue ~ 2 Comments

I spend a lot of time online. Which is evident, if you follow me on any social network. I used it as an outlay, as a way to let of some steam. And most people I know, appreciate why. But some, do not. They dub me an attention seeker, and disregard what I feel and express as nonsense, as a result.

I turned to the Internet when I first suffered from depression, about 5 years ago. I didn’t know who to speak to, and I didn’t want to let anyone down. It sounds ridiculous, but when you observe the people closest to you doing well, and getting on with things, you feel pathetic that you can’t do the same. So you don’t speak to those around you, for fear that you get pointed out for being as childish as you feel. So, I turned to the Internet. To blogs and forums. To places I could interact with people, and not feel so alone in my dilemma. I started writing blogs about my life, and used sites like MySpace as an accompaniment. I complained, i laughed, I spoke about the things that noone around me understood. I found friends, whose kind words advised me through some difficult times, because they had experiences similar.

Depression and anxiety never truly leaves. As a person, you have to recognise signs and learn how to deal with it. Which can make the condition bearable. However, as a person grows and changes, their mental state also grows and changes. You find yourself in situations which you can’t explain, you try to find a logical answer, but it doesn’t come. You can find your anxiety creating problems in work, and in general life. But, trying to get others to understand that you don’t know what’s wrong, is difficult. Especially in work places, or situations where people want to help.

People can mis-understand the lack of answers, as laziness, that you don’t want help. It’s not that a person doesn’t need or want help, they just don’t know what it is that is wrong. It’s like being lost in the middle of a field in a thick fog. You can’t see where you are going, nor the direction that you need to go. And every day is the same. A new day brings a new field, and sometimes the fog is thicker than other times.

And that’s where I am. A field filled with fog, and I need some clarity. Sometimes writing clears that fog a little. Be it short tweets, Facebook status updates or blog entries. It gives me the chance to try and wrestle with my emotions without fear of embarrassment. There is not confrontation, which I feel is my big problem. I am at the stage, where I fear that every person I talk to hates me and wants to scream at me. That is a horrible place to be. I don’t know how to silence these thoughts, and noone I ask for help seems to understand.

Writing is my way of saying what I need to, without the confrontation. And that is the main reason I do it. I’m just not used to people I actually know reading what I think, so the confrontation ends up happening. And yes, ‘how are you’, is confrontational in my head, because I don’t know how to answer you, and I panic.