Category: Uncategorized

Working Through It

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Today I started work and I was panicking. I don’t know why, as I get spikes of anxiety for no reason. It’s like I think something is going to go wrong, like this impending sense of doom. It makes me easily irritable, and I cry at just about anything. It’s completely irrational. And it is so embarrassing. No one wants to see a 30-odd year old adult crying for no reason. But then I feel ashamed, and that makes my anxiety worse. It really isn’t very nice.

Luckily, in my job, I have the space where I can just go to a quiet area and work myself. Give myself a little breathing space. It also gives me the chance to focus on my work, a chance to be distracted by something that isn’t my own over-active imagination. If the area I am working in gets to busy, I have the ability to move somewhere else. And it is actually really cathartic, sometimes. Today, I have been able to focus on what I was doing. and it has really helped.

It doesn’t always work, as because my job is monotonous, it’s very easy for the mind to start to wonder. And times like that, it’s like I can’t do anything right at all. The silly thing is, what works one day, might not help the next day. And it is so frustrating. In the UK, if you are off sick, your first 5 days are unpaid. Which means, that people are forced to try and work through issues that they would maybe be better dealing with at home.

It can be really hard, but every time I make it through a day, which has been riddled with anxiety, I feel a wee bit proud that I did it. Even if no one else does.

Water-proof

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

As I mentioned yesterday, I am looking to get healthier. It has become clear, that to get anything that I want, I need to really fight for it. This is something that probably seems a really obvious thing, that you have to go and get anything you want in life. When you have times where you can barely get up out of bed, no matter what is happening, it is hard to think you have to fight more than you already do.

But this is a different kind of fighting. It is fighting for yourself, rather than against. It’s about daring to think about the future, rather than being focused on the past. Which is easier said than done. Most of my problems from anxiety, come from relying on negative past experiences shape how I believe things will turn out in the future. It is something that I do subconsciously, and the resulting behaviour has been going on for years.

Trying to make my outlook more positive is difficult, and it feels like learning something completely new. Something that can be very scary, especially when it is about things such as your own behaviour. I do better when i try to do things bit-by-bit. For example, I have been feeling bloated at work, and i usually drink diet coke at breaks. Which tastes nice, but it isn’t very good for you. So I have a new water bottle, which I will drink from all day. I don’t take money with me down on the shop floor, so I am not buying crisps or anything

Drinking water should be the most natural thing in the world, but it is quite hard to drink more of it. When you try to drink more water, you start to realise how much crap you drink through a day. And, in this journey to becoming healthier, I think that paying attention to what I eat and drink is a good thing. Whilst I feel a lot better already, in drinking just water, I do need to pee a lot more.

If It’s Real, Then I Don’t Want To Know

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Life is full of ups and downs. And it is strange, because whether you decieve a particular moment as either ‘up’ or ‘down’ comes from what is going on inside your own head. If you are having a bad day, very little will overcome that feeling, and you will focus on the bad stuff. However, if you are in a good mood, you pick the more positive things, and can swipe the negative to the side.

I think it is very strange that our belief on what is going on in the world, is based on our own perception, which is based on our own emotions. I obviously am not in any way a psychologist, but I sometimes think about that stuff. It obviously is something that happens when I am feeling a little reflective and more positive. When I am down, I tend to feel like that everything is collapsing on top of me, so I don’t really tend to think about anything else.

Sometimes, thinking about anything is a bit hard, to be honest. Which is why it is so easy to lose yourself in a book, movie or TV series. It can feel better to live through a fictional life, than living your own. That is something that is really sad, but it is true. These fictional worlds become a way of coping, even escaping from your own life for a short time. And, that respite, may be all a person needs to get back on form.

Escaping Through A Book

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

I had a conversation at work the other day, with a guy who couldn’t understand why my work stowed so many books. He was wondering why people still buy books, as he hadn’t read a book since he was at school, over a decade ago. I feel like I was the polar opposite to this guy. I have read so many books since my school days, and over the last few years, I have been reading a lot more. I am currently reading through a similar number of books as when I was about 12/13, when reading was my favourite thing ever.

At any one point in time, I have 3 books which I will be working through. I have a book on Audible, a book on my kindle and physical book that sits in my bag. When I say this to people, the most common reaction is ‘how can you read more than one book at once’. As if by reading a chapter of Perks of being a Wallflower, I forget where I am in the audio book of Game of Thrones. That’s not really how things work. I find it strange that people seem to thing that the only piece of media that you can dip in and out of, are TV shows. Like, people think nothing about sitting in front of the ol’ tellybox and watching 3 different programs, one after another.

I do a lot of my reading whilst having a coffee whilst in town, or on the bus. Sometimes my anxiety flares up, as if I fear a bad situation will happen because I am on my own. So a coping mechanism I have is to enjoy a book for a chapter or too. On the bus (or gym), I like to listen to a book, as it is more practical. I read my book, in my bed or when I am having a cuppa, because I can. And usually, the aim is to relax, and I find reading relaxing. Sometimes I forget to bring my physical book with me, so I have a book on my Kindle, which has an app that I can access on my phone.

When I was really little, I would be so happy with a book. I went to Sunday School because they did painting every Sunday, and then gave out books as Christmas presents. I have so many happy memories of going to the library when I was little, and seeing all these books. I still get excited whenever I walk into a library or book shop. Reading is something that has been such a big part of my life, I can’t imagine how people function without a book.

Multi- Media Anxiety

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Oh, these days are magical. You can communicate with someone on the other side of the world, as easy as you can communicate with your pal down the road. The internet has truly made the world smaller. Which is great.

Until you have a problem with anxiety.

Now, I have a job, and I am studying a university course, and people doubt that I can have any problems whilst doing those things. I can be okay when I am in a routine, when there is something I can focus on. I have this awful fear of disappointing people. So, when it comes to work, the point of disappointment is not attending work, so that someone else has to do my job. It’s this idea that I am letting someone down, and it is something that can make me panic and have sleepless nights.

This brings me to social media messaging. If I know the person well, I can message back fine. Usually. The problem is, that I assume that whatever expectancy someone has, I am just going to fail. I feel like a ‘wet blanket’, that I am just going to bring someone ‘down’. Like, other people are busy having lives, and I am still here, stuck in my own head. So, sometimes I am messaged by people, and my mind trips me up over the obligation to message back. And I panic, I worry, and I find it hard to reply.

Of course, that isn’t the case all the time. But when it does, I feel like my lack of reply has created an issue. That I have offended someone by my own inability to do something so trivial. The thing is, people do take offence. I have had people get grumpy with me, thinking that I have ignored them, without them being aware that I spend hours of my life worrying about a small message. Writing it out, it does seem really stupid. But that is anxiety, something so silly and stupid, but something I can’t seem to help.

So, if you message someone, and they don’t message back, try not to give them a hard time. It can be hard being so connected to the internet and to the world all the time. It is easy to get overwhelmed. Everyone may reach the point where they need to switch off their phone and have some downtime. And it is okay. It really is.

Ramblings and Resolutions.

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

2018 has got off to a bumpy start. Nothing I am really prepared to go on about in a public manner, but enough that I wish there was a ‘reboot’ button, much like what used to be on my old Sega, so that I could restart this 2018 level again.But, life isn’t like that.

After some thinking, the best way to even out a crappy start, is to plan for succeeding the rest of the year. So, I made the very unusual (for me) plan of creating a list of resolutions I would like to do for 2018. I have a small notebook, that I am using like a ‘creative journal’, which is more like a scrapbook, and it allows me to focus on what I want, and set up easy goals. This is not really the way I have worked towards things before, so I hope it works.

My Resolutions

  1. Lose Weight- I want to get healthier, and over the last few years I have struggled, mostly because I had been struggling with mental health as well. So, now I feel like I like myself more, so I want to make the effort, to get healthy. I have joined weight watchers, and am excited to start this journey.
  2. Read 50 books- I had this aim last year, but only read 8 books, which is okay, but nowhere near what I had hoped. I love reading, but I sometimes struggle to concentrate. So I have normal books, my kindle and audiobooks, and hope they will all help.
  3. Write more- 2017 was a pretty disasterous year for me, writing wise. Like above, with the books, I struggled to focus on things, and just couldn’t figure out what I wanted to say. I’d like to plan better, and hopefully find more things to write about.
  4. Make more videos- I made 1 video last year, which is really bad. I have spent the best part of the last 5 years as an observer on YouTube, with the odd upload now and then. I enjoy watching videos of general vlogs, where people talk about what is important to them, so that’s what I want to do more of. Just document things a bit more.
  5. Have more baths- I love a bath, especially after a long day at work. There is nothing better than sitting in a hot bubble bath, with a book or Netflix playing on a tablet. It’s like for a small while, you can shut the world out.
  6. Discover New Music- This one is more general. I love music, but over the last few years, I have found myself listening to the same music all the time. And I miss the buzz of listening to a new band.
  7. Get a new car- I did get a car last year, but I was in an accident and it was scrapped. Having a car is so convienient, and I really miss it. It is such a pain getting the bus, when I did get used to driving myself about. I’d like a small car. I was going to get a newer car on finance, but I really don’t want any more debt right now.
  8. Sort out finances- I am really bad at burying my head under the sand. I push bills back and back, and then I get stuck, and it becomes so hard. I want to get a plan, and then work through the plan in small steps. And hopefully, my credit score will be better by the end of the year.
  9. Tidy up (keep tidy)- I am very lazy. And that combined with long shifts, makes a mess very easily. The most annoying part is, that I love when things are tidy and organised, I just have a problem with being tidy and organised.
  10. De-clutter life- I am a bit of a hoarder, and don’t like throwing things away. Books, shoes, bags, DVDs, CDs… I have too much. So, again, doing things gradually might help. Going to take things to the charity shop, as even if it gets sold cheap, its better than it sitting unused in my closet.
  11. Have more fun- I do worry too much. So I want to try and ‘let go’ a little bit more. I spend a lot of time alone, and often, that means that I have to go places on my own. And my anxiety can cause issues with that. Obviously, I am not expecting miracles, but hopefully I can relax a little bit and enjoy life.

 

Blogmas Day 4: Seeing Past Failure

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

As you may have noticed, there was no post yesterday. No particular reason, other than my head was in a bit of a mess. I think I gave myself too much to do, as it was my only day off. So, I do what I do, when I sense failure, and freaked out a little bit.

Fear of failure is a big trigger for my anxiety, and has been for a long time. If I can sense things going a bit iffy, then my brain automatically jumps to the point where I fail completely. This can cause meltdowns, panic attacks, and a internal degrading (making myself feel like a stupid shit). I think, seeing those things written down can take the impact out of those words. It doesn’t seem too bad, when it actually is awful. It’s the irrational panic that can be caused by the slightest thing falling through, be it plans with a friend, or that I simply didn’t find a particular item in the shop. Its a horrible thing.

What I have been trying ŧo do is not give up on things. For example, I didn’t follow my weightwatcher’s plan last week, but I am back on it now. Again, my head was a mess last week, and it is hard when you have noone to talk to about it. So, I just muddled through, and when I felt a wee bit better, I jumped back on that horse. Which is a good thing. I need to practice drawing a line under things, and starting afresh. Keep on swimming, as a certain cartoon fish sings.

“Failure should be our teacher, not our undertaker. Failure is delay, not defeat. It is a temporary detour, not a dead end. Failure is something we can avoid only by saying nothing, doing nothing, and being nothing.” – Denis Waitley

Breaking The Habit

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

I have been really bad at keeping my habits over the last few months. That includes everything like drawing, reading, writing and going to the gym. It is frustrating, because these are all things that help with my mental health, and keeps me calmer. However, when you can’t even stomach doing those things, it is horrible.

When you stop doing something, it can become hard to get back into it again. I can’t speak for others, but I know with myself, that I see the breaking of a habit as a failure. It seems pretty stupid, but is just how my brain is wired. It starts to cause a problem when I want to restart a particular thing, especially if it was something that was habitual before. Because I attach the feeling of failure, to something and feel so bad about, I am natural hesitant to try and start something up again, as I could fail again. For years, I feel like I have stopped doing things because I fear the worse could happen. Which is a bit sad.

The one thing about myself, which is good, is that I am pretty stubborn. So, I will try to get back into habits that I haven’t been able to keep. This means, I could type up a word post, but become too anxious to post it. Or I try to draw something, and get so irritated, the attempted creation ends up in the bin. It’s like, I try, but I worry too much. Which I have acknowledged before on here. But it is one thing picking up what is wrong, it is another thing to be able to do something about it.

The most important thing, is to never give up. Having a break from things is okay, you can get consistency again if you really want to.

Finding The Balance

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I haven’t been posting again. It has been a conscious decision for the first time in my life. It was a signing out of browsers and apps, so that I could disconnect from things a bit. I am really bad at putting pressure on myself to do things. Usually, it is meaningless things, things that are not essential. Blogging became one of those things, and it quickly became a thing that stressed me out. Which is the opposite to what writing usually has for me.

Where stress came into play, was that I would want to post a few times a week, and I wasn’t really in the mood. My mind was elsewhere, and I couldn’t think of anything to write about. But, because I had set my mind on posting something, I would start panicking that I was failing. I don’t know what you really fail at, if you don’t post on a blog that noone reads, but it was still a stress-point. My head has a way of recognising what I fail at, whilst ignoring everything else. And by recognising, I mean constantly berating myself till I feel so suffocated I get dizzy. Which is not nice.

So, I have been taking time out. Time to re-assess things. Try to find the pleasure in writing again. It would be nice. I mean, writing has been a favourite thing of mine for years, and it has helped me figure a lot of things out. Doesn’t mean I am any good at writing, but I should get a Blue Peter badge for trying. To write when I want, not because I feel I have to.

In the time I have spent away from my computer, I have tried to do things I like. I have been going on long drives in my car, which is fun. Being able to go where I want, when I want, instead of waiting on buses has changed my life. I have explored all around where I live, visited towns I’ve never been and walked in parks and woodland. It has really helped me chill out. I put a crappy CD on, put petrol in the car and just follow a road somewhere. There is no pressure to exceed, just drive safely. Learning to drive really is the best thing I have done in years.

I just need to try and find a mix between productivity and relaxation. If I can try to not stress about being productive, I am sure I will find pleasure in writing again. I just need to remember sometimes, that what my head thinks is most important, isn’t always that way.

Spoilt

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

The internet has given the normal, average person so much opportunity. That may be applying for new jobs, which rather than popping your CV through letter boxes, has becoming emailing or filling in forms from the comfort of your own home. You can download computer games, movies and books at a touch of a button. Never have we had such information at our fingertips. It’s crazy.

It can be overwhelming. As much as I enjoy finding new things to watch and read, I am slow at ingesting such things. I take my time, as I can get bored doing the same thing for too long.

I am working my way through Pretty Little Liars, which is on Netflix. Other people I know, binge watched the series from their bed. I like to dip in and out, so I’ll maybe watch one or two episodes whenever I can be bothered. The final episode aired a few days ago, and spoilers popped up everywhere. Seeing as I am still early in the final season, I avoided everything. And was doing really well, till I saw a post on Tumblr that spoilt everything.

Back when I started getting into watching dramas and the like on TV, episodes were released weekly. And sometimes the channels, here in the U.K., would get programmes months if not years after its original release in America, or where ever. That was fine, with my short attention span. But, now? Series are released online either in the one go, or as they air in their country of origin.

This is good. But it also means that people get up to date, and post spoilers. I don’t mean, this character comes back, or something which is covered in the general synopsis. I am talking about people telling the world about what happens after major cliff hangers. Well, that happened today. I have been watching Pretty Little Liars for years, and have noticed people saying that the final episode was rubbish. But, I didn’t get any other information till today. And finding out the actual ending has kind of made me want to stop watching the rest of the show. I want to stay in the episodes where I am not disappointed, where I feel happy with the series. I feel like my experience of the show, as it ends, is now worse because of the ending.

It frustrates me that people don’t understand that. They are called spoilers for a reason, you can spoil a show for someone. Which sounds silly, but to watch a standard drama series, you have to invest hours of your life in the storylines and characters. And it kind of feels a bit crap, that you don’t get a ‘first reaction’ like other people. You have a pre-conceived idea before you reach that particular episode.

Truth be told, maybe I should just learn to watch things quicker.