Category: Life

Finding Time

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Life sometimes gets busy. As Christmas approaches, I find myself busier and busier. This time of year is expensive, and I have to put in more hours in at the day job just to afford it. This means, that I have less time to do what I want to do.

At the moment, I am working 55 hour weeks, which is a lot. When I finish work in the evening, I struggle to find the motivation to do anything other than watching tv. But, when I am that exhausted, I find it hard to fit in anything useful. I don’t even browse the internet as much as I used to, I just can’t be bothered. And, it has reached the stage, where I am annoying myself.

But, as I try to get used to working such heavy hours, I need to remind myself not to be too harsh. Lots of people struggle to find a happy balance between work and life. It is only natural, for other things to slip when your focus is set on a certain aspect of your life. And thinking that helps me feel less guilty, because I do feel guilty. I feel guilty for not doing more of what I love. I sometimes feel that by not doing all I want, I am committing some huge disservice to myself.

I guess I have to do what I do best, and resort to lists to help me out. I need to think about what i need to do, and schedule it a time for the activity to be done. Which sounds a little bonkers, but maybe it’s the only way to utilise any free time that I have. Because as relaxing as soaps and cups of tea are, they don’t make me feel better about keeping up with my hobbies and things. I have a need to be creative on some kind of level. Even if it is just whining, like this.

Headstrong!

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

One of the hardest things in life is to keep motivated when things don’t go your way. It is not how a person acts with their successes that defines them as a person, but how they deal with their failures. Because as much as we pretend otherwise, everyone experiences failure at some point in their lives.

Honestly, I never used to be good at dealing with failing at things. In fact, when it did happen, I ‘dealt’ with it by cutting myself off, and giving up on whatever had bettered me. Which, although it was intended as a bid to protect myself from any further disappointment, all it did was waste the time that I had put into it. Which, when every moment we have is a gift, is not a good thing. If there is something that we really want, we owe it to ourselves to keep trying to reach our goal. Any failures are minor setbacks on a path to success.

Or that’s what I keep telling myself. Try to keep my head up, as things seem to keep setting me back. I have started to tell myself repeatedly that life isn’t a flat journey, it needs the bumps to make it exciting. Kids think that life is an adventure, every day is exciting. To live life successfully, we need to get that childish wonder back, need to have a sense of fun about life. Sometimes when life is taken to seriously, it is when we start to struggle with it, and everything becomes a stressful mess. All that is needed is a step back and a deep breath to make the world that little bit easier to deal with.

Howdy Doodie

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I am getting really bad at this update thing. Wish I had a lot more motivation. November is NaNoWriMo, and for the first time in 4 years, I am not even attempting it. The idea is that a person writes a full length novel in the space of a month. As enjoyable as I find the process, I have no motivation what-so-ever. If there is one thing that I hate, it is the thought that I could fail, which would be a certainty.

In my personal life, I am still working away in my temporary job. Money for Christmas, and for things that I have needed for months. It is a relief, that even though I do not have an abundance of money, that I can buy some of what I want. I can pay my way. Which is something that I struggled to do without a job.

I don’t think that I ever appreciated how difficult it is for someone to find employment once they lose a job. I was in constant employment for almost 13 years of my life, and yet I was unemployed for 6 months trying to find a job. I’d hate to see how bad it would have been, if I had never worked. But that is what some people face. With the unhelpful Job Centre staff, it is very easy to lose any hope of finding employment. And I imagine that feeling would get worse and worse, the longer that you were unemployed.

Long story short, I am happy where I am. Yes, it maybe isn’t idea to be working in a warehouse, but for the moment it pays my bills, and everyone there are so nice. I have been cross-trained in another department after under 2 months, which feels great. I feel like I can so something, and that I am useful. Once I force myself out of bed, I am in a great mood going to work. Which is a complete 180 on the sleepless nights I faced at my old job.

But working has me in a good mood. And considering what has happened over the last year, it is great to have my sense of purpose back.

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I used to always think that if you were a good person towards those around you, that people would be good to you. When I was at school, and people used to call me names, I believed it because I wasn’t being a good enough person. As bad as it seems, looking back on it, I felt such a way because  it made me feel in control of things. As if the things other’s thought or said about me, would be fixed by me acting in a certain way.

As I  became older, I obviously realised that my thinking was utter bullshit. But, feeling responsible for what happened in my life was a normal reaction. As people, I think we want to feel responsible for all that surrounds us, as if that responsibility gives us a valuable position in this world. And, I don’t know about any readers, but having a sense of responsibility helps me feel validated. Which I think is just part of human nature.

I think one of the worst things about realising that not everything that happens to you is within your control, is that your are hit with a feeling of hopelessness. That no matter, what you do and how you act, there will always be bad things that will happen to you and those around you. And I think that is a hard thing to get used to. Particularly, when you are like myself, and believe that a one’s future is something based on actions, rather than hope and luck. And, as you grow up, a big part of adulthood is accepting that some things happen just because they do, and are in no direct reaction to any action by any person. And I say it is part of adulthood, because I think it is something that takes a lot of maturity to accept.

 

Fearing Change

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Time flies, doesn’t it?

One minute you are wasting seemingly endless summer holidays with neighbourhood kids, and the next you are plotting celebrations for your 30th birthday. The idea of my youth, was that I would grow up, be fiercely independent and have wild parties to indie rock bands whilst sipping on a cold alcoholic beverage of choice. It is with a crestfallen heart that I admit that my high flung ideals of adulthood have to come to light.

There is nothing in  particular that has stopped me from achieving my idealistic view of growing up, it is just life getting in the way. Being out of employment is just the icing on the cake, of the grand joke that something called fate has in mind, for me. The only changes that I have in my life, are ones that I could really do without. They are the kind of changes that have you worrying about ‘what is the meaning of it all’. Something that I haven’t found a suitable answer for.

I feel that this is why I don’t look to favourably upon change. I have this unrealistic need to live in the past, where I have this blinkered view that things were better. They weren’t. Coping with things just now is nothing something I do well, so from where I am situated, I it is easier to focus on things in my past that make me happy. I think that is why I am quite childish in a lot of aspects. I’d prefer to watch cartoons and listen to music, rather than deal with the Inland Revenue. Despite the volume of changes that have happened so far in 2013, I am afraid of stepping to the unknown to do something else, in case I really have had it too easy, and fate wants to teach me that.

If I am to be brutally honest, I don’t really believe in ‘fate’, a person makes their own life. It’s just every attempt I have made to get my life in gear, something has happened that has sent me right to the back of the grid, and it seems much too hard to try again. Maybe a little self-belief will help me get things into some kind of order.

But isn’t that what everyone needs? A little self-belief.

Stay Away!

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Sometimes it is easier to close the doors, rather than letting the world in to see and judge the inner workings of your life. If a person is having problems with their own life, the last thing they feel they need is someone else putting in their own ‘two cents’ on the situation. Or something worse, you are told there ‘is no situation’. Which means, whatever you are unhappy about is not worth being unhappy about. I mean, who has the right to say what makes another person happy or sad?

But by keeping the outside world out, all that happens is you ‘bury the head in the sand’. And for a short time, maybe it seems to work. No one to question your behaviour, or asking ‘how you are’, and no lies need told to cover up your distress. You can work, and be a ‘strong person’, you can pass off the appearance that everything is okay. And the only reason that those around you, think you are okay is because you don’t let them close enough to see anything different.

This doesn’t solve any problems though. The feelings of anguish, and whatever caused the issue, are more than likely, still there. So all you have done is make it harder to talk to people, as you begin to see yourself as a burden. They have been happy without you sharing, so why worry them with your mess?
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I act like this a lot. It seems easier to put my problems into a ‘no go’ area of my mind when it comes to talking to friends, in a bid to become normal. But, there is no such thing as ‘normal’, every person has their little flaws and positives. Nobody has an ‘easy life’ it is just the perception you can get as a by-stander. Some people can hide certain things from some, but they will have someone that they’ll confide in.

I have ‘locked people out’ and it has just made it harder find reason enough to turn to someone. It has left me alone with my problems. That’s where the Internet has come into play, it has been a place where I can talk through my issues without feeling I am being a burden. It maybe is not the best way to cope, but it has helped me think about my life in a healthier way than bottling it up.

What about you? Do you try to keep your issues to yourself? How do you cope if things get harder?

Lies That Exist About Unemployment

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I have been unemployed now for the longest period of my life. It is depressing and lonely, where no matter how much effort you make, you are still labelled a useless leach of society.  When I was employed, I was one of the masses who rendered the people who couldn’t find a job as ‘useless’ for not finding a job. I would curse them for having barbecues when I had to sit in a overheated call centre on a Saturday. I had decided that there were thousands of jobs available, people were just lazy for not finding one.

Since I have been unemployed, I have sent away over 200 applications for jobs ranging from cleaner to office administrator to retail assistant. I have had 4 interviews. One I was refused because of poor credit score. Second broke data protection when selling things to customers, it didn’t feel legit, and the company self-employed you, so, I gather, that they can just wash their hands of you when you get caught. Third and forth didn’t bother to contact me back after my interview, which is just darned rude. So, in a bid to lift the lid on unemployment, I’d thought I’d make a few points.

1. Job Centre is there to help. 

Whilst fortnightly appointments to the job centre is supposed to aide you in finding employment, it can sometimes have the opposite effect. Every attendee to the Job Centre gets appointed an advisor, who will overview their job search and give advice. Which is excellent. But, you see that personal advisor maybe once every 2 months. The rest of the time you just get ‘signed in’ by a random advisor. This person doesn’t care about what you do, and seems to judge you on everything that you say. Makes you feel like dirt, obviously because you are not registered to that particular advisor, but they should still do their job. It makes you feel worse than dirt, when the person supposed to help you, has the most unhelpful manner there could be.

2. Register with agencies.

This depends on what field you want employment in, but for office work and customer services, agencies are useless. I have registered with 8 agencies, I have got nowhere with anything. The process I am familiar with is that you give your CV to an agency, and they check to see if you have the correct skills for the vacancies that they are looking to fill, and if you do, they place you on their list of suitable applicants. So, I, on advice of the job centre, registered with these 8 agencies. Since doing this in  February, I have had 10 vacancies forwarded to me. 9 ignored me, and one told me that the vacancy was filled. So this, despite being viewed as a good way to gain employment, has been useless. And when I hear that this is supposed to be a great way to find temporary work and I get nothing, I feel a little useless.

3.Apply For Everything, You Will Get An Answer

One answer from all your applications, maybe.  I have lost count of the applications that I have sent away, and not even got a note of receipt as a response. It is like most of the applications that I send away just get sucked up by a black hole. You could be sending them to a wrong email address, the vacancy could be filled, there could be a problem with the application form, and you would never know. Whilst I know that it could be impossible to send every applicant a personal letter, an automated email with ‘if successful we’ll contact you within 14 days’ would be good. It costs nothing for someone to arrange, and lets the applicant know that their application has been received. But that is not standard practice, so be prepared for the majority of your applications to go no further.

4. Unemployed People Sit Around And Do Nothing.

I have worked since I was 16. This past 5 months has driven me crazy. It is the first time I have not been either in education or employment since I was tiny.  I need to go and do things. I can’t just sit and watch mind-numbing TV. I go and spend part of my day looking for work, I try to do something creative, like draw or write, and then I go outside for a walk. Trying to keep busy stops me from going stir-crazy, because I stress myself out enough because I can’t find anything. I don’t do drugs, I don’t smoke, I don’t drink that much, but yet these things are classed as the main pastimes of the unemployed. I have been offered getting a flat and housing benefit. Having never claimed before, I didn’t want to take any more money than necessary, as I can and do live with my parents. I do feel like I am treading on their toes a bit, but I’d rather be uncomfortable than try to get as much handouts as I can. If I want out, I will find a job and rent a place myself. And that has become the mantra that keeps me moving.

It’s exhausting, the whole searching for work. To interview well, I have believed that you have to envision that you are the best person for the job, so that you can sell your qualities and things. The problem with that, is that you may think that you will definitely get the job, and when you don’t, it can bruise your ego. It has mine. I haven’t looked for a job for over 6 years, I was employed so I didn’t need to. In that 6 years, the job market has changed dramatically, and people will look for any reason to turn you down. And, it feels like you have to battle against a tidal wave, to try and get a job.  And my opinion has changed so much. So before workers berate the unemployed, consider the facts above, and try to put yourself in their shoes. The unemployed are people too, no matter how much you want to separate yourself from them.

Happy Blog Is Happy

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I have no idea how long it has been since I spent an evening with iTunes on shuffle and editing on Photoshop. Reminds me of my college days, rushing to get things finished till 2am, for a deadline the next morning. Thinking about it, that is possibly why things didn’t go as smoothly as intended.

I have been more motivated. Keeping myself motivated on  the job application front, which is hard considering you can be lucky to get 1 reply for every 20 applications sent off.  So, as you can gather, not a lot of positivity in that front. But trying to keep my head up, by throwing myself back into things that I haven’t done for so long. Like regular photographs, more blogging, making videos, drawing and re-familiarising myself with Photoshop again. It is unbelievable how much you forget, when you aren’t using it all the time. I mean, it took me over 15 minutes to remember how to find and use my custom brushes. Obviously, the fact that I am an idiot did not help that situation, at all.

I don’t know if it comes across, but I am the happiest I have been in so long. It is like I have found a part of myself that has been missing for so long, and it is great to have it back.  And I am making the best of it whilst it is here. I have been so depressed by everything around me for so long, that it has failed to inspire me to do anything. So, I have a list of things that I want to do, so I am working on that. First thing was a change of logo/header across all my internet doings, and also syncing a few things together. I am excited for the future, for the first time in years. It’s like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

 

A Matter of Experience

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

The job search is still constant. Apply for about 4 jobs a day, and get nothing in return. It is hard to keep positive in a situation, where all efforts seem to be futile.

A large part of the problem is experience. I am a person with no prejudices about work, and will work anywhere. I have experience in customer services, but have never worked in admin, or factories and I have no actual timed experience in anything design orientated to get a job. Businesses want experience, but despite working since I was 16, they say I don’t have the ‘right’ experience. But there is only one way to get experience, and that is for someone to take a chance on you. But businesses don’t want to take a chance, and seem to ignore the majority of applicants they get.

I have to believe that I am doing the right thing. I am gathering information about Business Gateway classes about working for myself (worth a try) and am applying for anything and everything. It is, unfortunately, out of my hands whether I get an interview or not. And I can see why unemployed people can get apathetic about their situation. You can spend large sections of your life looking for work, whilst everyone around you assumes you enjoy being jobless.

It’s a never-ending battle, where nothing you do is good enough for anyone. Feeling like a failure is horrible at the best of times, but this is like a whole other level. I believe in me and my abilities, shame no-one else does.

A Weighty Issue

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

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Sometimes in life we stand out, and are made to feel insecure by others. It happens to everyone at one point of their lives, be it school or workplace, or even at the supermarket. It can zap away all your confidence, and make you feel less than nothing.

I have had the most experience in this with my weight. Where it seems to be okay for people to ask me if my thinner friend is single, but nothing else. It is also apparently okay for people to call me names for being fat. Now being the ‘overweight friend’ my whole life, I know what shape I am, and I don’t expect to be shouted at by strangers about it. Most of the time, a couple of deep breathes can get me over the angst I feel, but sometimes the comments get stuck in my head. At it’s times that I can get worked up. I cry myself to sleep at night and just hate myself.

I have been reading about ‘fat appreciation’, something that gets posted about mostly on Tumblr, from my experience. It tells overweight people not to feel ashamed about their bodies, and learn to love who they are. But the very idea of making unhealthy people feel good about themselves gets a lot of bad responses. ‘Why should people feel good about being fat pigs?’

I believe that a lot of people, like myself, eat when they are unhappy. And the negative reactions that we can sometimes get from people we don’t even know, can make us very unhappy. It is a known fact that happy people are more proactive in general, hence workplaces spending millions making their workers happier. If an overweight person feels better with themselves, then they may stop gorging on crisps, and will chance going for a walk or to the gym. And the best thing is, if they feel good about themselves, then any negativity that is thrown in their direction, has more chance of being ignored. Also, if a person can learn to love themselves, then anything else that they want to seems a little more in hand’s reach.