Category: Life

Oops

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

It’s easy to fall behind in things. Get to absorbed in a part of your life, that you forget something. That happened with blogging this week, as I have been so pre-occupied with other things.

But it’s okay. People do forget things.
It’s part of our nature, and it is certainly not anything to feel ashamed about. This is something that I need to tell myself over and over, that it is okay to forget things every now and then. I have a habit of berating myself when I don’t do something. And I make myself feel so bad that I actually don’t do that thing again for a while. That’s what has happened before. I make myself feel so bad, that I don’t want to blog again.

But not this time. I have been trying to change a few things that I do, so that I am not quite so negative, or panicky. It doesn’t sound like much, but by changing small things gradually, it can hopefully make a big change. So by not beating myself up at every mid-step, I can focus on the actual activities themselves, and enjoy it more. Because fear of failure is the main reason i don’t do something.

And I’ll tell you what, I certainly feel better writing about stuff, than I do beating myself up over a mistake. Maybe I can transfer this to other parts of my life?

Aches And Pains

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

When I tell people I haven’t been to the doctor in a long time, they question my intelligence. They don’t understand why a person wouldn’t want to get help. I try to explain why, and I feel stupid. I feel like a child who is not wanting to go to school because they have forgotten their homework. When, in reality, it is nothing like that.

Let me explain, last year I sprained my Achilles’ tendon, and was told it would take up to 3 months to heal. I hurt it going down the stairs at work, and within a day, it had swollen up like a golf ball. I went to the hospital, and advised of the recovery time mentioned above. After some research when I got home, I read that a quick recovery was based on an average person working in an office. I kind of banged my head off the wall at this. I work in a warehouse, and can be on my feet over 11 hours a day. So, it’s safe to say, my recovery hasn’t gone as quickly as I’d prefer. In fact, after a day of work, I am almost always limping about my house.

I should have really gone to the doctor after the initial 3 month period (start of the year). This is when another problem comes into the fray. I struggle with anxiety. I get panicked at what should be normal things, like getting on a bus. I over think things, and end up talking myself out of doing something. Going to the doctor is a prime example. I am in pain a lot, but I think that someone else is more deserving of the doctors time. I feel like I am a ‘bother’, and just annoy people around me.

Trying to explain anxiety to someone who hasn’t had it, is hard. It’s hard to explain what happens, because people want to know why. I wish I knew why I feel like I do. I get panicked about a situation, I don’t really know why, so I panic more.

There is a positive change. I have an appointment for the Doctors tomorrow. Sometime that I was encouraged to do by my work. I feel like I am falling apart, but also trying to get it in my head that asking for help isn’t the worst thing. It’s a constant battle in my head, it’s not nice.

The Loner Life

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I feel like I have always been a bit of a loner. I like my own company a
lot, rather than having to deal with people. That sounds really selfish, but it isn’t because I don’t like people. It’s because I feel like I ruin people’s free time and things. It’s part of my anxiety disorder, behaviours I had as a child, which have became worse as I’ve got older. I feel like I am a bore, so I don’t bother meeting with them, so that they can continue with their lives rather than being dragged down by me. And it totally stresses me out.

So as a result, I spend a lot of time on my own. Reading, listening to music, watching movies, browsing the internet. I do things, but things that don’t involve actual contact with other people. That way I don’t feel guilty. Because that happens way too often. I feel like I am a bit of a shit person, and that people will get angry when they find that out. So sometimes I panic, as my brain anticipates that I am going to make someone angry. I can have sleepless nights over whether I’ve said something that could have offended someone. I can panic over not having the right change when getting on the bus.

Sometimes it is best just to be alone and not having to panic. It’s actually pretty good to not having my brain run 100% miles an hour.

(Not) Following Instructions

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I like to think I am a very independently minded person, in that I am willing to go down a different path, if I feel it will work for me. I always have been a little like that. Did what I wanted to do, despite what other people would do. I’d spend my summers reading library books, as well as playing outside with friends. From an early age, I seemed to realis that ‘a little bit of everything’ is a good thing. So I would try new things, as well as doing my favourite things. The problem with trying something new, is that you have to learn the best way to do it, and this can sometimes be where I fall a bit flat.

If I get instructions for something, I tend to skim through and try to pick the bits that I deem the most important. This is, as I have mentioned before, because I am lazy. I don’t want to spend any longer on something than necessary. I like a good ol’ quick fix. Sometimes it works. I do what ever I need done, and there are no problems. However, a lot of the time something doesn’t work. And you’d think I would have learned something over my 30 years of life, on to at least read instructions properly. But I haven’t.

I am sure that everyone has this one character flaw, that means that they do the same thing wrong over and over again. Reading instructions is mine. I seem to think I know what I need to do, before I even glance at the instructions. This seems bizarre, when I am writing it down like this, because if I knew what to do, then why have the instructions? What I think I know, and what I don’t know are two different things. As a person, living in an age where I can Google any question I have from my phone, wherever I am. Information is everywhere. And as such, I think it may make people think they know ‘it all’, when the actually know very little. And I feel this ‘knowlege bravado’ is what makes me rush through instructions and trying to learn. It is something that annoys me, because if I read things properly, it would probably take less time that having to re-read things because of inadequate skimming.

An example of this is that I recently decided to sell my old phone to a phone recycling website, so I can get a bit of cash. Great idea, right? I received a box with instructions on preparing your phone for delivery. The instructions was two sided, which I would have noticed if I had taken my time. I read one side, which showed how to wipe all the data from your mobile phone, and then send it. Which I did? What I had missed was that you also had to remove the device from your online cloud account. I only know this, because I received an email from the company telling me to remove the phone from my account. So I have had to take time tonight, after work, to find my account and remove the device as requested. And the disturbance to my evening, is no-one’s fault but my own.

So learning how to follow instructions needs to be on my to-do list. Not that anything on that list is getting done. Am I the only one who doesn’t read instructions properly?

Daily Routine?

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

Do you have a daily routine?

I don’t. And it works me up sometimes, because everything just ends up a mess and I panic. I get very anxious if I feel out of control, yet at the same time, I am constantly struggling to get organised. Everything is always such a muddle, as it has always been. And it sometimes gets to the stage when I have panic attacks because of the stress.

I try to write lists. As these can sometimes calm me down. It helps me gain a little bit of control, stops my brain working at 90 miles an hour. It also helps to sometimes document the way I’m feeling. That way I can feel like I am ‘talking through’ what nonsense is in my head, without feeling I am imposing on anyone. As silly as it sounds, it does help me.

A piece of advice I get a lot, to help lower anxiety levels, is to start a daily routine. Same things every day, just so that I have a solid foundation to work off. So that if things do go a bit wrong, I can deal. At the moment there is no standard routine, so everything is all over the place in general, and when something goes wrong, it gets worse. So, I am going to spend the next few days trying to figure out a routine that I can do EVERY DAY. A routine that isn’t me getting out of bed 10 minutes before I need to leave the house.

Panic Stations

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I am a stress head.

When something happens, good or bad, I stress over it. When things get quiet, my brain goes into overload, and it panics over what has been done during the day. I pick over every detail, and worry about what I could have done differently.

When I was at school, I would fall out with friends sometimes. Have petty arguments that lasted one day, like most kids do. I would stay up all night, worrying that I had upset someone by doing something stupid. I was forever apologising for things that didn’t seem to bother the person I was actually apologising to.

My previous job was in a call center, for a customer services department. I took it because I love speaking to people, and wanted to help folk out. But telling loyal customers that there was nothing I could do when they were experiencing times with financial hardship. No discounts, no reconnections, no nothing. And me, being in a bad financial state myself, I sympathised with them. And because I know that I couldn’t help, I lost my confidence. I would go home at night, worrying about these customers that I wasn’t able to help. I would cry in bed, cry on my way to work. I became so stressed that I was of no use to anyone, because I couldn’t even help them when I needed it.  It wore me down, and I fell into self-harming. Something that I hadn’t done in years. It was hard.

I am trying to stop over-analysing everything going on, and that not everything that happens is a direct result of my actions. It is difficult, I still panic if I think I say something wrong to someone. It is hard to change a habit of a lifetime, but it is something that is long over due.

 

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

It’s hard to believe that’s another year behind us. I feel like the last few years have gone too fast, and I barely have had the chance to catch my breath. Saying that, I am glad 2013 is over with, because it was a bad year. Well, not awful, but I really struggled through the year, and actually experienced some of my lowest periods than I have for a long time.

But, I got through it, and managed through the year, as hard as it appeared sometimes. And the cliched thing to do at this time of the year is to close that chapter of one’s life, and plan for the year ahead. I am not normally the type of person to do that, but it feels very theraputic for me not to focus on what happened in 2013. Because, if I’m honest, I know that I will focus on the bad stuff that happened. So, looking ahead to all the changes I could make, and how it can positively change my life. So, I have made a few aims, to change things for my life.

1) Eat healthier. I am not talking about diets, and quick fixes. I want to change my attitude on food, not just lose weight. I need to cut down on the sugary drinks and fatty snacks. I have read for years that bad fats and too much sugar can make you lethargic. In my job, I need as much energy as possible, because I am on my feet all day, and I simply can’t eat when I feel like it. So, I need to make sure I am eating the right foods, so that I am not bloated either. My plan initially is to cut down on the sugary drinks, and see what happens. One step at a time.

2)Be a better friend. I feel that I have been stuck in my own head for most of last year. And as a result, I haven’t been very good at returning messages or meeting up with friends. I wouldn’t be here today if it wasn’t for my friends, so I feel like I owe them a lot. As such, I feel super guilty that I haven’t been there for people as much as I should have been. I have always had this guilt that was created because I felt guilty about ‘forcing’ myself on people, particularly because folk have their own issues. I want to push my own conclusions out of my head. All I can do is check in with folk and try to meet up with people. If people don’t get back, or decline an invitation, it’s their choice, it has not indication on what kind of person I am.

3)Get out and enjoy more live music. 2013 was a rather uninspiring year for gigs. I have been to see bands locally, but that’s about it. I have made the excuse of having no money, and never ventured out of the house. Live music is one of the great passions of my life, and I am guilty of not seeing as much as I want. This year, I am going to go out and see bands, weekly hopefully. Even if it means I am drinking water, so that I can pay a few quid for entry to see a few bands play in Edinburgh. The joy of seeing live music is worth it. If I plan gigs and events to go to, it makes it easier to deal with the bad days, because I’ll have something to look forward to.

So that is it. They are just three wee things, made up of regrets from the last year. I think that if you want to change, you should focus on the things that you are most disappointed with yourself about. Mostly, because negativity can be used to drive you so far. Regardless how it ends up, I aim to make the best out of what ever happens this year. And I hope that all my readers have a fantastic 2014.

Looking Back on 2013

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Another year is over. And I sit here in my bed, all sick with the cold, as ponder on the last year. It has been a bit of a personal rollercoaster, which sounds horrifically cliched. But I feel as I get older, every year has more of a mixture of fortune. Good or bad, all that matters is that we learn from what happens.

The biggest lesson that I have learned is not to become weighed down by something that I hate. I had been in my old job for 6 and a half years, and I was becoming bored of it. I was struggling to do my job, as I took the customer’s comments about the company very personal. Their disappointment and anger stayed in my mind, and bothered me when I tried to sleep. It didn’t used to bother me, but that plus the stress of missing my targets made me get so depressed. I would cry on the way to work, I’d suffer sleepless nights when I had work the next day. When I got fired, I felt the initial panic of losing my income. But as soon as I left the building, it felt like a huge weight had been lifted. I didn’t know how much that job was wearing me down, until I left. I promised myself that I would NEVER let a job make me feel like that again.

I was then unemployed for 6 months, which changed my opinion on a lot of things. I sent out over 50 applications a week, and was lucky to get any replies. In fact, after 6 months, I’d only been invited to a handful of interviews. Unemployment wasn’t something I had experienced before, and as such I feel like I sneered at people for not finding a job. But, as you get older, it becomes apparent that it also becomes harder to get a job. Businesses want employs which are not going to cost them a lot of money, so people in their late 20s may not be as attractive a prospect as a teenager is. Which isn’t something that is legal, but I can’t help but think that is a factor when deciding who to interview or offer a job too. The people at the ‘dole’ are also not too helpful. I would say that is because they must hear some awful excuses for not looking for work. But most of my visits to the ‘dole’ was to sign a piece of paper, no real help offered and turfed out. It was a waste of time. The job that I did eventually get, I got by phoning an agency directly, not through the job center.

One of my biggest regrets of the year is how badly I have let my creativity fall. I have struggled to write, and haven’t drawn anything much. I had a few blips, where I have drawn for a few days, but then I have fallen behind and never got back into it. I had no motivation what so ever.

I think that 2013 has been a rather disjointed year for me, with me feeling a bit lost. I kind of didn’t know who I was anymore, as I struggled with my personal life and mental health. As bad as it sounds, I am glad the year is over.

 

 

Christmas Eve: Being Thankful

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Every year, on Christmas eve, I write a list of things that I am greatful for. Christmas has a tendency to be a bit hard for me, emotionally, and this gives me a boost. And this year, I felt I would post my list publicly, because it is a great idea to make a person feel good.

*My family. I’ll be honest to say that a lot of the time we just rub each other the wrong way, and seem to be arguing a lot. But, I know, that they will support me when things get really bad. I don’t have an other half or friend close enough, and my mum will always give me a shoulder to cry in. I don’t know where I’d be without my family, and Christmas means so much because it is the one time where we are all together. And it’s great.

*A home. A home is a house which becomes part of a person’s memory, their life. This wee house has been the only home I’ve known. It has seen pets come and go, beaten off the frequent gail force winds, and house a family as it grew. There is a sense of warmth remembering all I have been through here. The toddler tantrums, the numerous burning of toast, the street parties, the pets, everything that has happened here. And I am grateful to have had such a place to live my life.

*A job. Going back a year, I don’t think I appreciated how much it meant to me to have a job. But it does. And it took being unemployed to realise that. As well as the obvious money, my job gave me confidence. After numerous knock-backs, to get started somewhere felt great. And even better than I am good at the job I have been employed for. I get a satisfaction that I haven’t had for a long time. And it is a great feeling, a feeling that I maybe can be useful.

*My friends. I am the first to admit that I am probably not the best friend to have. I don’t voice my appreciation and I don’t contact folk enough. The good thing is, that I know that I could turn to any one of my friends, and they’d listen and support me. This is something that has given me great strength this year, particularly when I really needed it. The thing that I really appreciate, is that despite my downfalls, my friends don’t judge. And when I feel like everyone is judging me, it’s nice to have people who don’t. They allow me to be myself, and for that I am eternally grateful.

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I hope all my readers have a great Christmas, and that you all have the best times with those you love. Have a good one. xx

Snatched Away

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

In an idea world, every person that we meet, every relationship we have, ends as clean as the conclusion of a well written novel. There are no broken hearts, maybe a few nursed tears, but nothing serious. When everything ends, everyone involved feels validated and secure in themselves.

But, that’s not how things work, do they?

Bruised egos and broken hearts. They are what’s left behind when something ends unexpectedly. The feelings of self-doubt, where a person’s thoughts re-tread, in a bid to see if anything could have been done differently. The depression that follows, once we are sure that things changed because of your failures. This is a horrible part of our nature. We, as people, seem to want to take full responsibility for everything, even when things aren’t a reaction to what we have done. At all. We feel like we must have done something wrong.

I guess, the world that we interpret, is one that surrounds us. As if you are the main character in some made for TV movie, where characters just seem to disappear. Soap opera characters may be able to move on after losing something, but most people struggle. TV. The very thing that we use to relax, actually has the ability to stress a person out. People do take time to get over things when they suffer a loss, and ‘time’ is longer than a 30 minute episode.

Sorry, rambled a bit. Back to my point.

Because our view of the world is from our point of view, everything happens around us. As egotistical as it sounds, we really are the centre of our own world. And I think that this is where we get our need to control everything.

The hardest thing for a person to accept is that we will never have a definite answer for everything. And sometimes we have to leave a situation with no completion, no end and no reason for the end. Part of maturing as a person, is learning to accept that ‘perfect endings’ don’t happen. There is always something that you could do differently, always, but it doesn’t mean that the ending would be anything different.