Come And Lose With Me.

*Facepalm*

I am well aware that the title seems like a chat up line from some angsty teenager, but what can you do about those things.

After walking around my life in some kind of daze, I feel like the irksome fog is clearing, and I can, for once see the path that I should travel along. And do you know what? All that I seem to see is people indicating that I am a ‘loser’.

I am an apparent ‘loser’ because of numerous reasons. They include: reading books, making VIDEO BLOGS, keeping a multitude of other blogs updated, being a proof reader for an on-line music fanzine and populating various message boards on the web. To me, I am happy doing these things, so why should I be berated just because I find happiness in something other people do not?

I spend a lot of time online, because I find it a good way to communicate with like-minded people. People who actually give a shit about the same things I do. Whether its spending hours catching up on blog reading or watching subscriptions on youtube, they are things that make me happy. I like the idea of discussing something and finding out that some people may agree with you, or want to discuss something in further detail. And I like that I can be having a really indepth discussion about books, with someone on the other side of the world.

It sounds either really stupid or really poetic, depending on how you look at it. People are always telling me to get myself out in the ‘real world’ more, which is a bit of a stupid statement, to me. As this is the real world, I am communicating with people out side the little bubble we live in, where we can discuss other matters and I can find out what their home looks like and things. I find this really impowering, and it is learning about other cultures. So, am I really living such a closed existance, if I can talk to a wide range of people rather than choosing to go out and get ‘hammered’?

I dunno, people do things in life that make them happy. And as long as you are not harming anyone in doing so, I don’t that there is anything wrong with it.

But the truth is, everybody has something which makes them a little unusual, something that other people won’t understand. So in a way, everyone is the same, everyone is a loser. And every loser will be a winner at some point of their life.

An Ode to John Green

I am half-way through John Green’s novel Paper Towns. Which is an amazing book, I recommend everyone to get it.

 

What I like about John’s novels as that there is always a female character in his work, who seems to be central to the storyline. He paints pictures of girls who are not only beautiful, but they are highly intelligent. And I don’t mean, in a Dawson’s Creek way where, the characters spouted long words, but didn’t really seem in their character to say such things.I mean, here are visualisations of teenage girls, and they speak using intelligence  as if they are extremely well-read individuals.

 

The thing is, in the media, woman are all too often written as being one-dimensional characters, who maybe long for a different life, but they don’t show any real intelligence. Even if you look at anything, which has popular High School girls, the girls are bitchy, stupid and only interested in sex and shopping. After spending my whole adolescence surrounded in horrifically stereotyped visions of women, I can only which that there alternatives available when I was younger. I mean very people I knew when I was younger had any interest in books. And although there was a lot of programmes aimed at someone my age, it was things like the afore-mentioned Dawson’s Creek or Sweet Valley High, all which left me with a rather dirty taste in my mouth.
I always have read a lot, I used to spend my summer going down to the library once a week rent new books. I loved it, which made me upset that there wasn’t anyreal  positive role models for teenage girls, that didn’t involve around boyfriends and becoming popular. So I would read horror stories,  and things, because the focus was on the situation more than the actual personality of the characters (which were still stereotyped).

I wish I had John Green’s books when I was a teenager, because, although the female characters are not perfect, and they never claim to be, they are clever and beautiful. They show women with their own mind, which is something that I believe that all women should be surrounded in.

I think my issue is, that most stories of ’empowerment’ come from stories which focus on sexual conquests. That isn’t empowering, that is degrading. To think that a woman is powerful because she has sex with some man, is not a positive image of a woman. A woman is powerful if she stands up on her own two feet, if she is not afraid to make decisions about her own live. No one should ever feel like they need to be in a relationship to be successful, and I think that the media is constantly telling us that’s what we are expected to do.

So thank you John Green, you may not be aware of it, but you have given girls positive role models with your characters. Thank you for showing that intelligence is beautiful.

What has the internet done for me?

Actually, the internet has done quite a lot for me personally.

It all started back in 2005 when I started my LiveJournal account when I was at the Vet School in Glasgow. It was a part of my life where I spent a few months at a time living away from home, and thus felt quite lonely. So, I stumbled upon LiveJournal, and started writing angsty blogs. It was helpful, and something that helped de-stress me.

Using the internet there, was the first time that I ever had enjoyed any real type of access to the internet. So, as every other person did, I started up a Myspace and started going onto other websites just to waste time, I should have spent doing homework and studying.

For a few years, I used the internet by mostly visiting the local library, which was good enough. All I did back then was write a blog, where I complained about work or something as equally mundane.

It wasn’t until 2008 that my house got the internet. Why then? Well, I get free internet through my work, due to the fact that ‘work’ is a major broadcaster/phone provider. So… once I had round the clock access, I began joining more sites, and began to do more social networking. In particular, blogging and going onto various forums helped me find ways to express myself. Like I finally found a ‘voice’ to express myself.

This is something that I enjoy about the internet. I feel that I can say things online, without boring people, it means people can volunteer to converse about my topic of discussion. It means that I don’t feel that I am forcing myself onto people. Which I am aware sounds very strange. But what can I say, I am a very strange one.

People tell me I am ‘sad’, that I spend my time online, and that by doing things such as write this blog from my bed, I have ‘no life’. To these people I say ‘my life has become better thanks to the internet’. I know it sounds like a cliche, but it really helped me find a place to belong, and I know that I’m not the only person like this. The internet allows one to share opinions with like minded people, that you may not get the chance to meet in real life. And that is what has made my life better.

After spending most of my life feeling like the odd one out, I now no longer feel like that. And that has made me happier, which has effected my day-to-day life. I have made friends all over the world, I have made contacts with people who are designers and journalists. It has given me so many awesome opportunities and brought me closer to my heroes.

I feel like, I now know where I belong, and that place is on the internet.

My Path Is Less Straight & Direct And More Squigly.

Tried to think of a more stupid blog title, and I couldn’t do it. So that means this one is pretty dumb.
As you will notice very little has been done in the land of NaNoWriMo. You WILL notice this beause I have done no updates, and so should correctly assume I am no further foward. But I’m not going to focus on what isn’t happening there, because I will just get depressed.

On other news…there is no other news really.  The most inspired I have been today is now. When I am painting my nails. *facepalm* This is becoming really so irritating. I haven’t done anything productive in anything I am supposed to be doing. Whether that be blog, write, vlogs, web design, portfolio building…well, I suck. As you probably know.

I sometimes thing I have something built-in to my personality where I will overwhelm people and do really fantastical at something, and then I just bomb. I completely lose interest. Its almost like over-kill, where I have done so much I can’t face it anymore. I think its just because I am lazy, but sometimes I do wonder. Do I act this way to keep my own self-esteem low and confidence battered. Because if you are already down, then noone can really say anything to bring you down any further.

My mind has obviously become warped over the years. I am off work tomorrow and hope actually get some progress on things. It would be nice.

Now Playing: Lamb Of God-One Gun

NaNoWriMo Wordcount: 13,787/50,000

Thought: Wonder how all my IRL pals will cope knowing I uberfangirl over things.

So, What Am I Doing?

Answer: Not very much.

I am watching movies, playing UFC on the Xbox, talking to people online, and doing anything accept what I am actually supposed to do.

I’ll bare you the details, because you don’t need to read my blog for very long to realise this is something that happens very frequently.

 

And how did I cope with my frustrations, I hear you wearily ask. Well…

Make that video helped me de-stress, which I think was something I needed. So am going to watch Mean Girls, as I force myself to write more for NaNoWriMo. Yes, that’s write. I need to force this now as I am way behind schedule and. if I still want to complete this witin the month, then I need to make myself write.

The good news is, that I am really getting into the story. again.

Whoot

NaNoWriMo Wordcount: 11,136/50,000

Watching: Mean Girls

 

Hey ho NaNoWriMo.

Progress report time, on the 3rd of November, the 3rd day of NaNoWriMo and I seem to be doing ok so far.

Monday got off to an awesome start with me achieving my target of 2,500 words, and I felt like this whole task seemed to be a lot more reachable than I originally thought. But after a difficult Tuesday, where I had lost ‘the flow’ and things weren’t coming to me as easy as they were the previous day.

Today I was up before 9am, and I had crossed both the 4k and 6k mark before lunch. This made me feel rather good, and I had a clear idea of how it would go in my head.

Yes, all the planning is in my head. I have no written down notes on how each chapter goes, I just have a rough idea of where the story is going. Yeah, now thinking about it, I should have made an actual plan.

A bit late for that now. :S

The basics are this, Caley Hamilton is a 25 year old shop worker who has got herself stuck into a rather lonely rut since leaving school. She makes friends with Sid, a girl who changes Caley and turns her life upsidedown. How will Caley cope when she is forced to live outside the protective bubble she has spent her life hiding within?

Sorry for the ‘barely anything’ update, but I am spending all my time writing at the moment, soo… 😛

 

Musical Tuneage: McFly- Dynamite

NaNoWriMo wordcount- 6,007 / 50,000 words (13%)

Book of choice: Paper Towns by John Green

Looking For…Something!

My emotional state as at a high, and I have an abundance of plot ideas and character rundowns in my head.

It only means one thing.

It’s time for NaNoWriMo!

For the uneducated, National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo) is a task where you have to write a novel of 50,000 words in length throughout the month of November. This was something I watched from affar last year, but this year I have decided to take part. I thought that it would see me working on a schedule again, and see if I can get things moving in other paths of my life.

So, my aims are to write 2,500 words a day. This means that it will only take me 20 days to write the novel, and then I could have time to change anything. Also, that would allow me a couple of ‘off’ days, in case I have to be away doing something else. I think that this daily target, makes the overall goal seem more reachable.  Which is how I work better, if I give myself smaller targets, then I should be able to achieve bigger things.

And because I have been spending a lot of time reading novels and articles, I am getting a lot of ideas for it. One of the main themes, I have decided, will be obssession. I am doing this, because this is something I have a lot of experience in, as I obsess over A LOT. And I have seen it recommended, that it is often best to write about things that you have some experience in. That’s how many writers start out, they write something which has paralells to their normal, every-day existance.

So I have a starting point. My main worry, is that I let the story peak to early, and end up just filling in the rest of the required word count with rubbish. But I have the basic storyline mapped out in my head. I have been reading my favourite books,  to try and give myself ideas on how to keep a story flowing. Also been watching a few of my favourite films, like High Fidelity, Clerks, Mallrats and This Is England.  The reason I have done that, is because I love films with really well thought out dialect between characters. This is something that I have been looking at, as a bit of a guide, as to how the dialect is successful.

I know there is no prize, and there is every chance, I could end up hating the story and fail completely. But it is worth a try, and I think it is a great way to challenge yourself. And it would show that I can produce something, within a schedule, if I really work for it. I am also hoping, that by thinking about it beforehand, I won’t have a massive panic, and write rubbish, which would make me doing the task worthless.

I want to get something out of this, which could be productive as something I can keep. Yes, I do plan to write something that I want to keep and share. I want to experience that pride again, when someone is impressed with what I have written.

So, wish me luck. As from tomorrow, NaNoWriMo begins, and as does my journey to writing my first Novel.  *Hehe-that sounds cool*

Free Speech Comes At A Cost

Ok, this is a follow-up to blog I did about journalism and the media, a few days ago.

The reason I am back on this topic again is because of a, much publicised, piece on, fashion magazine, Marie-Claire’s website about fat people on TV. Journalist, Maura Kelly, who wrote about whether ‘fatties should get a room’. This is someone who as a journalist, feels that she should be honest.

“I find it aesthetically displeasing to watch a very, very fat person simply walk across a room.”

Which is brutal, but it’s the truth, to her. She is stating , not what anyone else thinks, but what she thinks. Bear in mind also, that Ms Kelly works for one of the biggest fashion magazines in the world. This is a branch of society where being stick thin is the norm, and any amount of fat is deemed unacceptable. So I would imagine, if you call a size 14, fat, then you would find someone obsese mortifying.

“I think obesity is something that most people have a ton of control over.”

This is correct. A lot of people with weight issues, do have control and do need to take responsibility. People are advised by Doctors to lose weight, and they choose to ignore medical advice. They just point the finger of blame at someone else, a wonderful product of our culture. Also, she is saying that she believes people DO have control over what they eat. And they do, it’s a person’s decision to watch TV, rather than exercise. As someone who suffered because of an eating disorder, she changed her life around, and believes that ANYONE can change things.
We are frequently told that we are so lucky that we have free speech, and that the media is not controlled. But I believe that it never will be free. Someone stating their opinion gets slated. It’s like, ‘as long as you aren’t offending anyone, then you can say what you want’. Well, that’s opinion, it helps you understand another viewpoint, and realise we are not all cut from the same cloth. So all these people, saying that a journalist should be sacked for stating her opinion, are a disgrace. If there were more journalists in the media, who expressed themselves honesty, then the media would become something worth being interested in. But right now, you have to stick to the same rules and have the same thoughts as everyone else. And, to be honest, I hate it. I hate that no matter which newspaper you pick up, it’s all the same neutered ‘opinions’ that just written in a slightly different way.

You can argue all day with who is at fault for the article. Is it the Ms Kelly, for letting out her harsh opinions? Is it the editor, for giving a vulnerable woman such a personal issue to write about? Is it the site itself, for allowing the story to be published in that state? Is it the people who read this and got so ‘mock offended’, and spread their panic across the internet? Or, is just that too many people want to continue to bury their heads in the sand, despite the fact the fact there is truth in the article?

At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter whose fault it is. And I don’t believe that Ms Kelly should have had to apologise to some overly sensitive people for her thoughts on the obesity issue. If you truly believe something you write, then show some conviction and stand by it, no matter how large the occurring witch-hunt may become.

It does show that there are parts, within our society which need looked at. The fashion industry, it’s unbelievably size-ist, and I don’t think that Ms Kelly’s opinions are the worst out there. But only by confronting the problem, can we see how  bad it really is, and even educate people from an overweight person’s perspective.

But the main disturbing thing, which came out of this article and it’s notoriety, is the pure hatred being shown towards Ms Kelly. This isn’t people who are as self-righteous as they make out. I mean, they were all taking a personal attacks on Ms Kelly, wanting her fired. This is disgusting, and it made me feel ill. At the time I read the article, there was almost 2,000 comments on it, there is probably so many more now. But almost all the comments were negative. Negative because people on the internet have no idea about a journalists expression to be truthful to oneself. Negative, because the internet is full of it. anonymous people saying that Marie Claire is terrible for allowing the piece to be published. But, are the magazine  not brave, by posting such a ‘hot’ issue, it has opened debate, and is allowing people to see something from somebody else’s perspective.

I applaud Marie Claire and Ms Kelly, because you have ‘stuck your neck out with the article’. You have given a sense of depth into a very one-dimensional field, and should be thanked for it. If people are too arrogant to understand journalism and opinions, then I believe they should just disconnect their internet and stick to their bland, opinionless, newspapers.

_________________

For the record, I am termed as overweight. I am a UK  dress size of 20, and although I am happy with me, I am aware I eat too much rubbish, and don’t exercise nearly enough. But, it is my fault, and only I can change this. And when I do, it will be on my terms.

Aaaaaaannndd focus!!

Photography wise, I mean.

Been looking around sites like Deviant Art and realised that a hell of a lot of people consider themselves ‘photographers’. I don’t think it’s an issue that so many people love taking pictures. I mean, I think its great when anyone does something creative. Creativity is the language of the soul, or was that food of the soul. I can’t remember, I am rubbish at remembering quotes. Anyways, creativity is good for a person.

It’s when people get all snot-nosed about it.

The people who spent 5 years at University, aren’t necessarily better photographers that anyone else, but it’s that they think that they are. **Making no sense- deep breath** What I mean is, why should having a formal education in something make you better at your chosen topic. It doesn’t. All it means is that you have more pieces of paper when it comes to trying to get a job. This is the ‘hallelujah’ moment I had last year, that no matter how much education you have, you aren’t going to necessarily ‘get better’. Sure, you may learn more skills, which is nice and all, but if you can’t visualise things on your own, then no amount of skill can change that. You can spend your 20s at College or University, and still end up as hopeless as you were at High School.

Sounds a bit ‘tough love’ but it’s true. The person who does something because they love it, is going to be far more successful than someone who chases a career because it will make them money. It is something, I think I needed to be out of College to see. It ‘opened my eyes’, if you will.

    “A person receives a richer eduction experiencing life, than they would at any School”

This nameless quote (I need to start noting down names) is speaking the truth. Whilst education is nice and all, it is mostly just an easy extension onto High School, where you can delay ‘adulthood’ for an extra few years. The only adult thing that seems to happen is the debt. The thousands and thousands of pounds worth of debt College gifts every student. So that before they can graduate, they need to find a job, and when they do, it all goes into paying College loans off. So College graduates have this big pressure on them to get a job in their profession, sometimes annihilating any enjoyment for the subject, the person once had.

Taking a subject you enjoy, and trying to turn it into a career is hard. Most times people give up, because it either becomes too hard, or they lose enjoyment. And, let’s be honest, there is no attraction in working a job you hate for the rest of your life. If you have read this blog at all before, you were aware of the stress I had trying to start my own business as soon as I left College. At the time, it seemed like an awesome idea, start earning money from my own work. But, as frequently happens, it didn’t quite go like that. I had a massive creative block, that I just couldn’t get out of.

The thing with working in the Creative Industry, you can try as hard as you can, but if you have no inspiration, then it is hard to produce work. So I took a gap, and starting working on other things, such as writing. This helped. Because I could write about my apparent failure, I received advice from other people who had the same experience. These, I suppose, would be my peers. People who were trying to sell their own work to make a living, be it as a designer, artist or writer. Their encouraging words were what I needed, and helped me carry on. I would still try to do something, but I wouldn’t force it too hard. As if it becomes a chore, it is too hard to do it for pleasure again. So I went and did other things. Wrote a few articles for websites, and slowly I’m getting my motivation back, and am now creating work I feel happy with.

I know that this isn’t over, and I will battle with trying to keep my creativity my whole life, but I know how to deal with it a bit better.  I know that most people deal with creative pits, where they can’t do anything. I also know, that it took the will of working nothing but a normal job for a few months, to spark my desire.

The truth is, take a break if you need it. I can now afford that luxury as I build up a backlog of work, as well as working in a call centre, which pays the bills. College will never offer you that luxury, you have to work through your block, and for a lot of artists that’s why their creativity crashes after they graduate. I know. It happened to me.

I’m not saying I regret anything, because I loved college, and I did learn a lot, but the heart was already there, I just needed the vessels to help carry everything.

To any students who may read this, NEVER EVER think that you are better than another artist or author, just because you had a better education. Talent is not something which is created in a classroom, it is something one is born with, and true talent will always shine through.

 

 

More Than Just Words On A Page

I am not a journalist, not educated in the skills of the written word past my High School education. And by the stage I began to get interested in writing, I was in an anti-school state of mind. I hated exams, and that’s what it felt like school was like, one massive exam.

But this doesn’t mean that I am invalid to comment on the amount of tripe in the media, which is dubbed as ‘journalism’. If I went with my impulse, and followed a career into journalism, I would have been surrounded by the egomaniacs, who are hellbent on being ‘celebrities’. Something that sickens me. I would have loved to have a career in journalism, because I love writing and I enjoy discussions that follow one sharing their opinion on events. That’s it! I wouldn’t want to be on television, as I find that seems to be full of arrogance, and my day-to-day life is filled with that already, thanks very much.

Teenagers now follow a career in journalism because they think they will get on TV, so that they can become ‘celebrities’. That isn’t journalism, that isn’t reporting something true to yourself. I think it would have destroyed me, to have to communicate something, which wouldn’t be true to myself. Maybe this is a fault I have, that I can’t write about something I have no passion or interest in. I don’t know if I view writing too much of an art form. Because that’s what I think it is, I feel that it is an emotional release, where you have to be inspired write something of interest. Like, I have to believe what I’m writing about, or it just becomes very transparent and boring. Because I have always looked upon all types of literature in this way, I think that I find it alarming that so many people use it for nothing else, but to make themselves famous.

As a child, I dreamed of writing a novel, but that was more because I felt a bit of pride when I saw someone reading what I wrote. It made me feel so light-headed, if the reader enjoyed my creation. Now, I just feel jaded with media, because it seems that a lot of things seems to be lacking emotion or have an ulterior motive. This has been a thought that has bothered me within the last few years, particularly around the time of the General Election. I found that whatever, newspaper or TV news report I encountered, it seemed like they all had their own political alliances. Like this form of educating the Great British public, came with unavoidable propaganda for a Political movement. Maybe I am naive, but I am of the opinion that all media should be impartial. Ok, I know that seems like I am contradicting what I have just said, but I think that if you have all the journalists saying what they believe in, and then you have a variety of opinions, then you have platform for a range of views to be heard and then allow the public to make their own decision.

But that is giving too much power to the public isn’t it? We live in a society where it is dictated to us who we should admire. There are thousands of ‘celebrities’ who have won their ready-built fame through ‘reality’ TV. Why are we being forced to celebrate some mediocre singer, who fucked someone once? Shouldn’t it be the person who has spent her life crafting her own voice, who is still singing in local bars, getting all the attention? Shouldn’t we be celebrating the lives of the doctors who save a normal person? Why should we accept that a man kicking a ball for 90 minutes a week, is able to earn 200 times the salary of the normal working person?

It’s obvious that things in society are far more imbalanced, than just the media. The big thing I have an issue with, is the emergence of the ‘showbiz media’, the magazines, TV shows and blogs dedicated to telling the warts-and-all tales of famous people. I believe that the ‘celebrity’ culture was created, to take the attention away from more pressing matters, such as the more unpalatable parts of the news, which often goes unreported. Proof of this, is when a class of 8-year-old school children were asked who was Cheryl Cole’s estranged husband, 78 out of 83 kids correctly said it was Ashley Cole. The same children were asked if they knew who was Prime Minister, 12 correctly said David Cameron, 21 said The Queen and the rest didn’t have a clue. Is that the message we want our media giving to children? ‘Who cares who runs the country, some nonentity’s relationship status is what’s important’.

That is why I both want and don’t want to be part of the media. I would like to get the opportunity to tell all these mislead sheep what is important, to help them get a better understanding of the world around them. But, I know that the ‘words of reason’ would find it hard to break through the latest relationship woes of whatever overpaid footballer is the topic of the day. Which would make me feel worthless, that ‘real news’ would be overshadowed by gossip. It makes you wonder how much of the media is controlled by the government, are we being sold gossip as news to try to dumb us down. As they say, ‘ignorance is bliss’ so it would be easier for the government to hide as much as they can, and just fill the gaps with ‘celeb scandal’. This sounds like something from a George Orwell novel, but it could happen, and I wouldn’t be suprised if it already was.

Terrifying thought isn’t it? How much of our ‘free media’ is actually free?