Author: Sue

I have been writing in various forms since I was a child. I write about what is going on in my life, what I enjoy, and the struggles of dealing with chronic illness and mental health issues. I love live music, football (Scotland and Dunfermline Athletic), reading, Formula 1, Stock Cars, and eating lots of vegan crap.

Depression Diaries: Working Away

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Depression is a strange thing to live with. For weeks at a time you can be struggling to even get up in the morning. It never really lifts, but there are days where I can put up with it, and kind of work around it. Days where I feel as normal as I can get. When I don’t feel like crying at all through the day, where I can speak to people without wanting to crawl into a dark corner for wasting their time. But whatever I feel, I do my best to get up and go to work. It’s the one thing I try to promise myself, to go to work, and at least I have achieved something no matter how crap the day ends up. Though I have phoned in sick, it doesn’t happen very regularly.

I work in a warehouse, and by looking at my blog title and things you’d notice that wasn’t my plan. But, needs must, and at least I know I have regular income. Unfortunately, not everyone sees jobs like that. Some people have a snobbish look at jobs that they view as ‘below’ them. And I have people asking me why I’d bother working at a warehouse. They imply that for a person to work there means that there is something wrong with that person. It’s almost like they are saying that a person has to be ‘stupid’ to work in this warehouse, and be content.

This should be an easy comment to brush off, because why should someone else’s opinion matter? But it does. It’s another reason to feel to feel like a failure. Like, it is a basic job, anyone can do it. I don’t add anything to the job, and no one would notice if I wouldn’t go back. My brain goes into this spiral where my thoughts are just berating everything that I do and how everything is just a waste of time. And it is honestly horrible. I have this instilled thought that I just waste people’s time, so just end up spending time alone. And to think that even the medial task of working a basic job is worthless, it just makes me want to hide from everything.

I am writing this after taking some thinking time over how bad attitudes about my job make me feel. I have tried to look around the negative feelings, and find something a bit better. The conclusion that I came to was that everyone expects things to be done for them. Whether you visit a coffee shop for a Mocha or clear out your rubbish bin, there is someone there that makes things happen. Someone makes your coffee, and someone collects all the rubbish to take to refuge. Everything that happens in modern day life happens because someone makes it happen. Even when you do things online, someone makes that dress you order get to your door. People make things happen, and without the people doing the medial tasks, things wouldn’t happen. At all. Every job has a purpose, every person has a purpose. Maybe rather than tearing apart those around us, we should recognise that people do shitty jobs and there is no shame in it. I need to remember that sometime.

Sick Day

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I am currently on a sick day from work, thanks to a canteen breakfast and a dodgy stomach. I am an awful person at being ill, there are tears, snot, moaning, all the kind of thing that makes me great to be around. Which is why I usually lock myself away when I feel rotten. Bring ill can give you a bit of a chance to do somethings that make you feel a bit better, all those things that you might not get the chance to do normally, particularly at this time of the year, where there doesn’t seem to be enough hours in the day to do what you need.

So here’s a few things I like to do when I feel pretty rotten.

1)Watch a feel-good movie. Today I am watching Moulin Rouge, which always has cheered me up. I love the music in it, and it always gets me moving. I just love the twists on all the pop songs, and the tragic story. It’s very stereotypical for a musical, but still loads of fun. Disney movies are also very popular when I am under the weather. I think it’s because I like something where I don’t have to think to hard about. And, I seem to prefer something that I have seen loads of times, one of those films a person treasures and has owned multiple copies of in their lifetime.

2)Read a good book. Wrapped up in a duvet or spending time in the bath. If you are feeling a bit worse-for-wear, getting lost in a world so different to the the real one. I prefer books which have a plot I can get lost in. A book where I find myself addicted and reading chapter after chapter, and it takes your mind away from the awful way you feel.

3)Sleep. The best way to allow your body to recover, is to try and sleep. Spend the day in bed, wrapped up and relaxed. I remember to being told by my Mum, back when I was young, that by saving energy by not walking around, the energy can be better spent helping you get better. I have no idea whether that is true or not, but I know that I do certainly feel better after a bit longer in bed.

4)Light a few candles. If you have been sleeping, then maybe more fragrance defusers, but still the same effect. Some scents, such as lavender are very relaxing, and some believe that they could ease recoveries from mild illness. I have always found this very helpful when I have had the flu previously, as sometimes light fragrances can help ease headaches and such.

Everyone has different comforts when they are ill, but these are the main ones I use. I hope that this is the tail end of whatever bug I have got, and can then get back to normal. What about any readers, what makes you feel better when you are ill?

Depression Diaries: Finding My Voice

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These last few months have seen my plans fall apart at the seams. Any attempt at trying to express what I truly felt has fallen flat. It’s like I am back 3/4 years, where I couldn’t see any way out. It’s like I could think about doing things, but I didn’t see the point in doing anything about it.

I have failed in everything I have ever wanted to do. And it is something which is the focus of my thoughts during every ‘downtime’ that I have. Times when I should be relaxing, whether it’s trying to watch TV, read a book or even just try to sleep. I hit a brick wall, as my mind won’t rest. Thoughts about every little thing that I could have said or did, that could have upset another person. I feel like the most idiotic person in the world. And that is all I can see, an idiot who really shouldn’t spend anytime with anyone, because she’d just waste their time, and upset them.

It’s never anything that anyone says or does, it’s not personal. People don’t need to do anything to set me off. I do it all myself. It is about the only thing I seem to do these days. Running to the toilets at work to cry, because I made a mistake. Having another sleepless night because my mistake causes work for someone else, and that makes me a failure. I cry to myself because I turn down night out after night out, because I don’t want to drag anyone else down. I don’t want to be responsible for bringing other people down.

People around me don’t know this. Because I don’t talk about it, because talking about it has always made me feel weak and uncomfortable. I stopped visiting doctors because there are people with real illnesses who need that appointment more than me. So, I sit and dwell, and for months and months, I haven’t been able to get any thoughts out of my head. And that makes me feel worse. It really is an awful cycle. And it is one that is so hard to get out of.

That’s why I am writing this, here. Over the years, this blog has held a lot of my thoughts and hopes on life in general. I felt that this would be a good place to be honest. To speak about how I feel, and how depression doesn’t just go away. It is an illness that can make someone feel so alone. When that happens, it is hard to try and confide in those around you. I thought that if I spoke honestly, maybe it would reach someone who felt like I do. Maybe it would help them, to see that they are not alone.

Need help? I recommend MIND who have helped me very recently.

Fear Of Being Bias

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My plan was to write a blog on both sides of the independence debate, which is currently going on in Scotland, with a vote due to take place in a few days. I was going to blog facts from either side, to make something that people can read through. I thought that would be a simple tactic, be honest and impartial. It, however, has not been that easy.

I started out the campaign, sitting in the ‘No’ camp. And thought that writing about the debate would help clarify what I thought, whilst cleaning through all the BS that occurs in politics. Since the debate was announced, I planned to write. But I couldn’t. I struggled to find information to make my writing coming across as balanced. I read books, watched the TV debates, spoke to campaigners and researched online. The ‘Yes’ information seemed to be very positive, and sold their aims with passion. The ‘No’ information seemed to be negative, and concentrating on debunking what their opposition said.

Now, that of course is a bit of a generalisation. But because I hit a dead end at the start of the campaign, I felt I would leave it for a time when things would be more ‘padded out’. So that anything that I posted, would accurately represent both sides of the debate, as this was something that I felt was missing. I left it for a while. And, then a little bit longer. And now, in 48 hours voting will be over. And I still don’t feel that I can accurate represent both sides equally. So, I made the decision to back-step. I think as the debate has gone on, I have felt my mind change as I researched more and more. It also began to dawn on me how difficult it would be to write about something that has a direct impact on myself, and try to be impartial. When something is going to affect you, your brain is always going to try and think on one side or the other. Maybe that is a fault in my writing, that I can’t seem to write past my own opinions.

But that honesty of my own opinions, is something that I have always written about in this blog. I feel that being honest with myself, makes me honest with any readers. And some of the nonsense that is passing back and forth in this debate, is just lies. And I don’t feel comfortable passing on lies and exaggeration as if it were facts that could help make up someone’s mind. And if someone is unsure, I’d re-direct them to http://www.bettertogether.net and http://www.yesscotland.net. Personally, I am still swithering, but am leaning more towards a ‘Yes’ vote. Maybe it is time for a change? The government doesn’t seem to understand a lot, and independence will hopefully do more for the rest of Britain too.

I feel like the big point I need to make is to remind people to tolerate one another. This debate on whether Scotland has created quite a large division between people. Those who believe we are better as British, and those who believe Scotland needs to do it alone. Yes, the vote is the most important thing to happen to Scotland in a generation, but every voter is only acting on what they believe will be best for us. Best for our country. Best for our future. A person who hasn’t researched online isn’t ‘stupid’, a person who wants to dream isn’t ‘delusional’. What seems obvious to one person is not obvious to everyone. Every person is entitled to their own thoughts and opinions, and should be allowed that. This vote is a democratic one. This means, that you have to allow others to vote what they want, without FEAR or INTIMIDATION.

 

Begin again?

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I am starting afresh. Not with life, or work. More my attitude. Since I started having a lot of difficulties with both depression and anxiety, several years back, I have had a rather defeatist attitude. Whenever I would try and get myself on track, I would fail. Things would fall apart. Why? Because I had no faith in myself. I thought I was destined to fail, so when things got difficult, I gave up. Rather than invite myself to a nightout, I’d stay at home. I just feel like I have missed out on a lot. At 30 years old, I am not where I thought I would be. And it is depressing. It leads me into that vicious circle, where being depressed, makes me more depressed, and so forth.

But I have had enough.

Today, after watching Superwoman (Lilly Singh), I felt inspired by her enthusiastic way she does videos. Even her daily vlogs has this hyperactive person as the starring role, even when Lilly herself probably isn’t feeling so great. And it made me think about how I carry myself in a day to day manner. And I realised that there is nothing I need to do every day, to get me that energetic and ready to go. I just slump out of bed, and sludge around to where I need to go. It got me thinking, maybe I should do something that gets the blood flowing a little bit. So, I decided to try doing videos on Youtube again, and do it differently to how I had before.

When I have previously recorded videos, I sat down, and blabbed nonsensically to a camera. Which would have been okay, but I feel because of my slouching, my voice maybe wasn’t as clear as I wanted it to be. And because, I wasn’t exactly thrilled, I didn’t really promote it, and got really discouraged. But, I guess my whole outlook on life at the time, had a lot to do with that. So, I shot a video by shooting for an hour, standing up, being the kind of forced happy you are when you have to sell something really, really expensive. It seems really nasty written down, but it really has got me motivated for the day. I did some housework, and various computerlike things as well. I have owned today, and I feel it is because the first time in a long time I forced myself to get up and used a lot of energy. My day, that started with me sleeping through my alarm, has progressed into a rather productive one. HOORAY!!

Video is down below:

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Note: the ‘fair independence referendum’ thing I was posting, is still in writing. It has turned out to be quite the task to find fact based points, which isn’t slating the opposition. So stressful. But I am determined to post stuff, so stay tuned. 

I Just Dinnae Ken

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I haven’t been sleeping at night.

It is because of the impending Independence Referendum which is happening in Scotland, in under a month. It is a change for the people in Scotland to decided our future. To decide where we want our country to go next. It is a chance to show the world who we are, and what we stand for. There is just two options. Yes or No?

When the announcement for the referendum came about, I was feeling that with English relatives, I was British, and that was that. In the last several months, various propaganda have come out for both sides. Telling us why or why not to vote for independence. Great, both sides should get a say. Put across their side of the argument and let the people decide. So, because I felt like I wasn’t looking into the debate enough, I started reading up on it. Looking at the policies and following both sides of the debate on various parts of social media. I had decided that if I wanted to look at the debate equally, then I wanted to see the public faces of these campaigns. I wanted to know what the folk promoting their side had to say about things. Seemed to make sense, at the time.

However, I have found that all these avenues have just confused me. Whilst Yes Scotland and Better Together have presented arguments for their side, it has become difficult to decipher the facts from the campaigns from personal opinion and views. There is a big case of each side calling the other ‘liars’ and trying to debunk what each other says. People who have made their mind up, are so blinded that they see any other option as ‘wrong’ or ‘stupid’.

In my opinion a good political discussion should be able to be held, without superior undertones and offending any doubters. Every person is making their opinion which is personal to them, and accepting that is the first step to an adult discussion on anything. But that isn’t happening. I try to go on various forums and speak about the debate with people from either side of the debate. This seemed like a good way for people to show me how they were convinced of a particular side, and how they feel about it. But that didn’t happened. I would question what people said, to try and find out more on the main points of the debate, and I would be made to feel stupid and insignificant. To the decided voters, what their side says is obvious to them, because they believe it. Because they are already chosen their side, it may become the only option. Because it is the only option to them. It may not be the only option for everyone.

And that is democracy. Not, vote my way or you are a moron. Accepting other opinions, and feeling secure enough to put down your opinion, and leave it. This debate has become over-run by people who appear to have not looked into any politics before in their lives. People with a ‘do or die’ momentum. There is no good or evil side. There is no suspense driving background music that comes on when you read something made-up or misleading. Life isn’t that easy. You have to look at all options and decide for yourself, and try not to get discouraged or bullied by those who belittle you. It is having the belief that the voters will make the right choice, and to go with that choice, whatever your personal feelings. The main thing, that people remain united, try not to fall out with people with different views.

I apologise at this stage, because I realise (as usual) that I have rambled. I needed to get out my feelings about this vote, because I hope to start afresh. Over the next few weeks, in the run up the referendum vote, I hope to post directly from both Yes and Better Together. I hope to clarify the vote for some undecided people, like myself, and make sense of this mess. I want to make it clear that whilst interested in politics, I have no formal education or experience in this field. I just want to paint a picture of the debate, without the posturing, and in the process calm myself down about this impending vote.

Little Bits of Happiness

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*A morning walk
*iPod on shuffle
*Packed lunches
*Soaks in the bath
*Coffee and catch-ups with friends
*Smelling freshly cut grass
*Laughing at bad jokes
*Getting into a new book
*Getting into a new TV show
*Being caught up with emails
*Having a lie in
*Drawing a picture
*Taking photos

Productivity Eliminated!!

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I am always complaining about how unproductive I am. People scoff, as if it is pure laziness causing the problem. But it really is an issue. I am not unproductive in the manner that I sit and do nothing. I am unproductive in the state that I do other things rather than what I am supposed to do. It is like my mind distracts me to do something other than what I have to do. This is a wee list of the stuff that are the main culprits of my distractions.

*Twitter/Tumblr/Youtube: I have lumped these three together because they are all similar as to how they soak up my time. I log on to the site in question, so see if I have any messages, or anything of interest pops up. Which is fine. Except that ‘one thing’ ends up with me checking something else, and then another. And before I know it, I have lost my whole evening. Because social networks are constantly updating, the new influx of information coming constantly, can make it difficult to tear yourself away from the site.

*Finding Things: Tidying up is the worst for me to get distracted from, and it happens all the time. Usually, it comes as I find a magazine, book or newspaper, and I decide to check through it to see if there is anything worth keeping in it. However, rather than skimming, I sit and read the whole thing. I lose my motivation, as I get myself comfortable, and read through everything I can find. And that seems to take priority in my mind, over the washing that is sitting in the piles on my floor. Yeah, not efficient at all.

*’Just One More’: Computer games, TV shows, chapters of a book, it is very easy to say, I’ll do it after this one. I do it, because I seem to think that it will give me motivation. That because I want to play the next fight on Street Fighter, that I’d give myself 10 minutes to clean a bit, play another fight, another 10 minutes. The problem here is one of two things. I either become too involved in what I am doing, that I ‘forget’ to stop. The other is that I am so shit at what I am doing, I don’t actually get to the checkpoint that I have in mind. So never actually clean up.

Reading this back, I think my main problem is making excuses. Ooops!

Blog Your Feelings

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

I have spoken to quite a few people about the subject of writing a blog. Many people seem to struggle with the concept of writing about personal thoughts on a public forum, when you can’t express it to people in real life. And when I think about that, it does sound fairly strange. But I do have personal experience on why keeping a blog can help a person.

I have been struggling with various things over the last few years, things that are integral to who I am. And I feel that using this blog as a ‘think space’ helps me try and organise my thoughts. And it also is good to look back on, and see any progress that I have made. Sometimes it doesn’t seem like much, but it does help. Particularly when I have a bad depression period, when I struggle to focus on anything other than my failures. It helps to see that sometimes there are better times, and that I can get through it. I find it reassuring.

When I first started blogging, several years ago, I read a lot of other blogs. Blogs which actually provided me with hope and thoughts that I wasn’t as different as I felt. And if you are having problems in life, I think it helps to know that other folk experience similar things to you. And by sharing my own stories, maybe it can help someone else. And I think, as people, that what most folk want to do. Help those who have experienced similar issues to ourselves. And as we search through life to become a better version of ourselves it’s only natural to want to document it.

Or that’s what I think, anyway.

Bitched Out!

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Being a girl, it is expected that you should enjoy the company of other women. I, personally, try to get on with everyone, and be easy going. Because that’s the kind of people I get on with.

But sometimes, I find myself in the company of women, particularly people who I have just met or am not on ‘friends’ terms with. These women are in the habit of making snidey comments behind one another’s back. And I always seem to be sat in the middle so that people complain about each other to me. And, I’ll be honest, it gets on my nerves so much that I zone out and stop listening. It’s awful, but if someone has such a problem with someone, they should talk it out with that person. If they can’t, they shouldn’t go on about it.

When people do bitch, there is always someone who is put in a situation where they have to bite their tongue. It feels like you have to lie for other people. And I don’t understand why anyone would want to put another person into such a situation. Don’t get me wrong, everyone has to complain, it’s part of our nature. But when you only complain about other people, and you do it all the time, you become a pain for other people.

Sometimes it would be nice for people to just take a deep breath, and ignore others faults. Everyone does something wrong every now and then, so if they aren’t hurting anyone, just let it go. *queue singing Frozen songs*