Author: Sue

I have been writing in various forms since I was a child. I write about what is going on in my life, what I enjoy, and the struggles of dealing with chronic illness and mental health issues. I love live music, football (Scotland and Dunfermline Athletic), reading, Formula 1, Stock Cars, and eating lots of vegan crap.

Ball Of Sunshine

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I am happy.

For the first time in a long time, I am enjoying a period where I am experiencing a few more ups than downs. It is great, and not something I am used to. I am singing and laughing every day, instead of moping and crying. It is rather freeing being upbeat, it is like I am bouncing around without a care in the world. Nothing is getting to me, and it is a strange feeling.

The issue is. When you build your whole ‘internet life’ on helping you de-stress, what do you do when you don’t need to? I don’t feel the need to rant about things that have went wrong, because for some reason it doesn’t seem to be bothering me. Talking about it, may end up jinxing it all, but I feel that I should try to talk about it. No matter how much of a struggle it is, just because I want this blog to show an honest portrayal of me, and I need to show that people with depression and anxiety do have periods of happiness. It may not happen often, but it does happen.

So where did this feeling of happiness come from?

Recently I have been doing a job that I enjoy at work. I feel like I have a purpose. I feel like I can share my experience of the last few years in the business helping those less experienced. I am also taking an engineering course through a collaboration between my work and a local college, which is interesting. And then I have signed up for a Creative Coding class, through FutureLearn, which also looks exciting. It is the most ‘forward thinking’ I have been in a long time, and the way I am feeling shows that. Nothing may come of all that is going on, but my mental health is glad for the break. So forgive me, as I revel in being genuinely happy.

How I relax

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I am a total stress-head about a lot of what happens every day. I can completely panic unnecessarily over nothing. I try to find one way to relax every d ay. Here is a few of my favourite things that helps me relax a little.

1) Listening to a random album whilst I travel on the bus home. Staring out the window and listening to some cheesy music really helps me relax. Any stress that I have felt over the day just melts away, and my mood is totally uplifted.

2) A hot bubble bath is also something that has become a regular occurrence for me. Because I work on my feet, and can easily walk over 5 miles every day. It is something that is good for my health, but can sometimes hurt my feet and legs. I get tendonitis, have done since I was a teenager, and that means that it doesn’t take much for my body to start hurting and swelling up. A bath is good, because it soothes my muscles, and makes it a lot easier for sleeping. If I don’t have a bath when in pain, I can’t sleep at night, which just leads to other issues.

3) I never used to watch much TV, as it bores me. If I start to watch a series, I always forget a part, and then get lost. So I don’t watch a lot when I am on my own. However, after a long day at work, I have grown to like sitting with other members of my family watching random TV. I think it is the companionship that relaxes me, the fact that I am not having to be on my own.

4) If I wake up in a bad mood, which happens more than I’d like to admit, a walk in the fresh air can make me feel better. It doesn’t have to be a long walk, just a nip round the block can be enough to get the blood pumping and motivate me for the day. I also love walking down to the sea, which is right next to the town where I live. I like sitting looking into the water, and looking across the Forth towards Edinburgh. I find the sound and smell of the sea very relaxing.

5)If it is sunny there is nothing more relaxing that reading a book in the garden. It is one of the things I love most about summer, it being warm enough to sit outside. It doesn’t have to be my garden, I’ll walk down the local park, or even just find a bench to read on. It helps block out everyone around me, and chills me out, especially if it is a good book.

In the world we live in, there is pressure everywhere, so it is important to find ways to escape from those pressures. But different people find different things relaxing. So, what do you do when you need to chill out?

Inspiration

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It is important when you are creating original content regularly to have something that motivates you. Something that gets you into creating regular. I am one of those strange people, where it depends on my mood as to whether something motivates me or not. For instances, sometimes Netflix is perfect background noise to me doing my sketchbook. Other times, I’ll end up watching whatever is on my TV, and ignore whatever I intended to do. Sometimes music distracts me, that I need to work in silence, but most of the time music gets me pumped for work.

However, sometimes it helps to look around at other people’s output to get you creating. My list of blogs I read regular is getting bigger and bigger, and they do make me want to write for myself. Which is awesome. I try to read a variety of blogs, like technology, advice, music, books, fashion, gossip, anything really. The only thing I look for, is passion. The person has to really care about what they are writing about, so that a sense of honesty comes across in whatever they are trying so say. And, in turn, that becomes something that I wish to convey in my own blog. I hope that by reading this blog, that someone could get an idea of what I am like as a person. That’s the idea anyway. 

In the last year or two I have noticed that there are books and guides written on ‘how to make a successful blog’. I am guessing because keeping a blog is a really honest way break down boundaries between customers and businesses. But the whole idea of guides published by ‘experts’ no one has ever heard of is a bit vomit inducing, if you ask me. I am a person whose blog started as a way to express myself, so find the idea of people doing it for the sole purpose of making money as strange. I don’t get it. Pay £14.99 and have some guy try to tell you how to be successful in the blogging industry. That’s right, people think of it as an industry now. It’s strange.

But, prepare for shock as I reveal a slight contradiction, I have today a magazine on blogging. The difference I found in the magazine, Blogosphere, was that it wasn’t selling itself as a ‘complete guide’ or. ‘how to blog professionally’. It is sold as part of the blogging community, with articles written by various bloggers. Every member of the team producing this relatively new magazine has their own blog. There is a lovely straight forward casual tone to the magazine, rather than the teacher-student tone of a lot of the ‘how to’ guides.  I found it very similar to the blogs that I read every day, as upon reading it, I became very motivated to write this very blog.  

Do you create regular? How do you get motivation to do so? 

Blogosphere magazine is available at WH Smiths for £4.00 an issue every month. Alternatively visit http://www.blogospheremagazine.com for more information. 

Make The Best

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I am always one to complain when I am feeling down. When my motivation has gone elsewhere, and all I want to do is sit and mope. When nothing gets done, and I feel useless. It is not a very nice feeling, and it is one that I seem to get a lot. It is hard to do anything past the essentials when you feel like that.

However, when you feel inspired and full of energy, it is important to utilise that. I am trying to do that today, although the issue is that I am inspired, but have no focus. So everything that I am doing really has no point. Which is okay sometimes. I think. Not everything has to be precise and tackling something in particular to mean something personally. Using the energy that I have today, is important. It means that my week has gotten off to a productive start, and that motivates me for the rest of the week.

That is the problem with a lot of bloggers, they do it to make money. I have never had that need, and always blogged as another way to express myself, as expression has helped me through mental health that I have experienced. As a result, I find that I do write quite a bit of nonsense. But that is okay with me. I enjoy reading other people’s nonsense and seeing how their minds work. I think what comes out when you don’t plan anything is more honest, and that is good for both the writer and reader.

Some may disagree with me, but hey, if I am inspired I will do something creative. And so should everyone.

Having Fun Isn’t Hard, When You Have A Library Card

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Nothing beats reading a new book, particularly when the sun is out and you have a cool drink in your hand. That is what I have been doing today and it is my kind of heaven. A playlist of favourite songs in the background as my bare feet play with the grass in the garden. It’s relaxing and is always when I read the most. 

The thing is, you can’t simply purchase every book that sparks your interest. I, for one, don’t have the financial standings to get EVERY book I want. Which is depressing. I have started avoiding book shops unless I have £30 or so to spend, because I have no restraint. Seriously, it’s like I have no control. But to quench my thirst for new reads, I head to the library. 

I have grown up using my local library, from researching local history for school projects, to using the free internet when I didn’t have it at home. I frequently rent out books, where I find I am more varied in my selections. There’s no worry if you don’t like a story, because you haven’t paid your hard earned cash on it. It has made me a bit more adventurous, as my library tries to stock Scottish authors, something that wouldn’t stick out so much in Waterstones or the supermarket. 

Every town around here has a library, which has become important parts of local life. Where people who don’t have computers can access the Internet and connect with relatives or find jobs. There are story time groups and reading challenges for kids. It really is my favourite place. And it really opens up the world for everyone, and it costs nothing. And, let’s be honest, how much stuff is free these days? If you are a bookworm, like me, I recommend checking out your local library and select a random book.

You might be surprised. 

Up With The Birds

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Sunday is usually my lazy day, where the most strenuous thing that I do is get the bus into Town for a coffee. There is nothing wrong with this, but things played out a little different today. I was up early to do housework, eat (of course) and dye my hair. I have even got round to writing up a list of blog ideas. It’s made me realise that I need to do this more often with my days off. Like, actually get up and make the most of the day.

The best thing about having a day off, should be being able to do what you want, rather than having to have the restrictions that work can bring. It is freeing knowing that you can do what you want, and get something productive from a day off. Unfortunately, I often am very lazy and can easily spend half a day in bed. But what happens there is that because you don’t use much energy, you don’t tend to have much energy to get moving at all. I think it is one of those things where you have more drive, the more that you actually do.

Now, I am not saying that you can’t have a ‘lie in’ every now and then, because nothing is better than not having to get up for an alarm. But, if you have things to do, getting up reasonably early is a great way to get the motivation to achieve your goals for the day.

Where To Lean?

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Everyone has their own problems in life, and as much as we try to keep things to ourselves, we have to rely on other people every now and then. We need support of those around us to help us keep going in times of hardship. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, to look around us in times of hardship, for reassurance and guidance.

But what do you do when you look around you, and can’t find that moral support that you need?

We live in a world where we can easily become surrounded in gadgets and gizmos rather than people, and we don’t realise how alienating it can be. I only noticed that recently when a person around has decided to make a change, and got all the support she needed. But when had previously turned to them for help, I was kind of ignored. I kind of felt rejected. And then my anxiety decides to have it’s say. I mean, maybe I can’t find the support because everything I have tried before, I have failed at. When I start thinking like that. I don’t want to ever try anything new again. And it’s upsetting.

When I first started having problems with anxiety and depression, I really couldn’t feel like I could turn to anyone around me. That’s where the internet has come in use. I found a place where I could rant and rave, and I felt like I wasn’t imposing my issues on anyone else. I feel that I have a lot of stuff to deal with, and sometimes it would be nice to have someone to turn to. A person to share stuff with, but everyone else has their own lives and issues, I don’t want to weigh them down with my drama.

Forever A Child

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I feel that I am in a state of permanent childishness. Despite getting older, I have never grown out of my fondness for cartoons, soft toys and comic books. I get told frequently, that this is not something so unusual these days. As those adults who grew up in the 80s and 90s are very likely to be overly nostalgic as the realities of adulthood seems to crush their once high hopes for life. That is not supposed to come across as depressing as it sounds, but it is true. Thinking about it, this is probably something that every person goes through as they leave the security of adolescence. It’s just ‘these days’, society seems to pander more to our wishes to be back in a time where life wasn’t quite so difficult.

I say this as an adult sitting on a Hello Kitty bed spread surrounded by Disney and My Little Pony plushes, listening to the soundtrack from Tangled. It makes me feel content, which considering I had a panic attack buying a newspaper the other day, isn’t something that I am willing to ignore. I get so easily stressed out by normal situations, it’s not hard to imagine gaining comfort from childish things.

When I look back at myself as a kid, I was myself. I did what I wanted, dressed the way I wanted, I was happy. Playing kerby out in the street or playing ‘Cuppy’ in the field next to my house. I was always busy, always outside running around. As I got older, kids got a bit cruel. I always remember my mum saying that I was ‘built like a rugby player’ when I was wee, cause I was so stocky. And that never changed, but it’s not very cool looking like that as teenager. And it so happened that there was a few people who would bully me when no one was looking. Like walking home from school alone, or if I had a class without any friends. And it shook my confidence. It took me a long time that what happened at school was bullying, in my head it was just stupid people. Which was okay, but those stupid people really chipped away at my confidence. And I haven’t really been able to re-gain it since. Which sounds sad, but situations in workplaces, like what happened at school, occured and just continued to make things worse.

It seems that my brain is looking for the things that make me feel happier again, to help me deal with failing at being an adult. I feel bad about work, it’s okay, Ocarina of Time a is on my 3DS so I’ll play that for a bit. It’s not a way of avoiding things, as some may think, it’s a buffer. It is there to make me feel better when I feel a bit worn down by life. And as coping mechanisms go, I think that watching Adventure Time or singing to 90s boyband songs is no bad thing. It does suck when I think that my childhood was really the last time I was secure about everything I was. But that’s why I’ll never give up trying to better myself, and find ways round these roadblocks my brain likes to put around me.

H2O Go!

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One of the things I have always struggled with is fizzy drinks. If I am out, I grab a bottle of Diet Coke. The thing is, it isn’t a planned choice. My purchase is based on a habit that I have had since my school days. 

I have been having a problem over the last few months with my throat. It’s a cough that doesn’t seem to go anywhere. Over the last week the bubbles in fizzy drinks (as well as menthol) has started making my throat super irritated. So i have resorted to drinking loads of water, one of the very few things that eases my coughing. 

  
This is something that is certainly not going to harm me. And it is already making me feel better, as well as pee a lot. The good thing is that I am going into shops and the fizzy juice isn’t what i pick up. Because the dreaded throat tickle can strike at any moment, I started to go around with a bottle of water, which is also saving me some money too. 

Hopefully it will also help me kick the Diet Coke habit for good. 

Pushing Through

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Every person will reach a roadblock at some point. It could be physical, psychological or situational, but there will always be something that could stop you from reaching your intended goals. This is something that can be very disheartening, and is a pain to get through, as the more time that passes it feels that your goals are edging further and further away from your reach. It is hard to know what to do.

My main roadblock is my mental health, which I do talk about frequently on here, and I do find it hard to get past it. Particularly when I only end up doing part of a task, if that. There is this sense of failure that overcomes me, and it is a reason for my internal voice to berate me for being so useless. When that starts to happen it is hard to do anything at all. I can’t go for a walk, make a cup of tea, put on music, do ANYTHING that normally relaxes me. I am left in a state of loss, I never know what to do. I have no will to do anything, because what is the point if I am just going to fail. And it is something that I have struggled with for years.

But, after years of not really getting anywhere in life, I am teaching myself on how to deal with these roadblocks that I have. When I become discouraged because I feel that my goals are out of reach, I am trying to move the goals closer and making them easier to achieve. This may mean that the target is not as big as originally intended, but maybe that isn’t a bad thing if it gets me moving again. And when I have tried this, it seems to be working more and more. The feeling of achieving small goals is a lot nicer than the feeling of failing everything.

Maybe if you can’t pass a roadblock, building small steps will help you get over it or find a different route.