Holding Your Tongue

I’ve found myself in situations recently where I have had to hold my tongue during conversations. The kind of nodding politely, whilst trying to keep my mouth shut. Because if I say something, I am going to be argumentative and try to put someone in their place. Any objection that I have stays in my head, and spirals to something that just ends up making me so angry. And, I’m pretty sure everyone around me just thinks that I am in a mood.

The thing is, I like discussion. People being civil and discussing ideas and opinions based on their own experiences, is all fine. I welcome that. But I am finding increasingly that people are just saying things ad verbum from tabloid articles and Facebook opinion pieces. They don’t have any original thought of the situation, they don’t research, and they are also not willing to speak to the people actually affected by what they say.

I am very afraid of confrontation, and don’t want to offend people. I think it is an after-effect of being bullied at school (and in a previous workplace), where I end up thinking that having no-one dislike you is better than having disagreements. Which is silly, because I am aware that is not based on anything logical, it is just completely irrational. I mean, a calm mind will tell you that not everyone is going to like you, and that you are unable to please everyone. It’s okay, it is just life. But, as I have discussed a lot on this blog, my brain is never very rational, at least until much after an event has occurred.

I feel rather stupid writing about this. Not having to speak up is a privilege. It is a luxury that many don’t have. And I have spoke up before. I just feel like over the last few years, the world has become okay with being much more intolerant of others. Especially towards people who encounter problems due to race, disability, sexuality, gender identity, or religious identity. People who are shouty and abusive before any discussion has even happened. For a country that is suppose to be pretty progressive, it is really sad to see. And people who have anxiety, like myself, find themselves unable to speak up, because they have been burnt before. They have had the death threats online, they have been cut off from ‘friends’, they have had that moment of reassessing every belief they hold, as it feels they stand alone. And, sometimes, it is exhausting. And life, in general, can be exhausting enough.