Yesterday I was asked why I never ‘put myself forward’ for different roles at work. It was awkward, because I couldn’t find an answer. But it was more, that I couldn’t work out how to say stuff, rather than there being no reasons.
I have spoken on here about having anxiety and depression before. It would be easier if those two things occurred together. But they don’t. Like now, I am very content at work, and I am enjoying what I do. And because I like helping people, I have been asked a few times about stepping up to a different role for the upcoming busy period. Which there is a chance I’d do okay, but my brain doesn’t seem to understand that.
The ‘fear of the Unknown’ is the problem, which seems daft. But it is one that I can’t get passed. I have encountered my fair share of failure in life, and the way I reacted to that has made my anxiety worse. Whenever something goes wrong, I square the blame fully on myself. Which is okay, only if you use the experience to learn from. I don’t seem to do that. I hate on myself for failing something, and I make myself so miserable that I don’t want to try anything else again. That developed to the stage where I had panic attacks when I would get the oppertunity to do something new.
But things are a bit better. I still don’t put myself forward for things yet, although I do think about it. But I will try something new if it is put in front of me, and by focusing on whatever it is, I don’t panic. It is something I need to keep working on, so that one day, soon, I will be able to apply for new stuff, without the panic attacks.