Tag: writing

Frustration

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

What do you do when you have no motivation? When you can’t find the energy to do anything?

It is something that happens a lot, and when I speak to others, it happens to them too. It is frustrating, something that annoys me a lot. Because I have all these things in my head, but I just can’t process these thoughts into anything substantial. Because of these issues, I feel stifled, almost suffocated. Whether it has been a traditional diary, or writing an online blog, I have written my way through any problems life has thrown at me.

So, as a way to try and pull myself out of whatever ‘funk’ I have been festering in, I am forcing myself to write something. Because that is how we get through life, by being a trouper and carrying on through the shit. It doesn’t sound like much, but the only way that a person can truly get over something  is to force their way through. I have tried ignoring things before, as I have done the last few weeks, and as I said earlier, it really doesn’t work.

But I guess that is a lesson that I have learnt as I have got older. Something that has come from experience of trying to run away from my problems. Whilst ignoring stuff may seem like a solution, it is only temporary. The problems that you avoid, will always come back around for you, and sometimes it is worse than if you had dealt with it at the first opportunity. The quicker that things are dealt with, the less a problem they are in the long run. And, with something like productivity, once you have jumped back on that old bandwagon, it is a lot easier to keep going.

Just Keep Swimming…

~ Sue ~ 2 Comments

So the other day, I wrote an entry on here, which was probably the most personal thing I have written on here in a long time. I was emotional, and was rambling A LOT. But it was honest, and that is what I am trying to be a bit more of. More honest with myself, about how I feel and telling people how I feel. These are things that I struggle with. Which is why blogging is something that helps me so much. I can try and think about what’s in my head, and be honest about it, without imposing it on the folks around me. I mean, people have their own stuff to deal with, they don’t need my pedantic rubbish forced on them.

Anyways, after posting my blog on Monday, I just went to bed. I had been crying a lot, and that makes me tired. Plus, I was sick of Monday, by that point, I just wanted it to go away. So, I went to bed and fell asleep pretty quick. Which was probably the best way to deal with feeling that crap. Because if I sit after feeling like that, I can start to feel worse. I could be sitting watching TV, but my brain has different ideas and seems to just make me feel worse. So, I expressed all the negativity, and then just attempted to switch off from the world. I am actually surprised that it worked, to be honest. Just close the day off, as a disaster.

On Tuesday when I woke up, I didn’t want the day to become another mess, so I just wrote myself a to-do list and focused on each bit one by one. I had a plan, and felt focused. There was nothing else I could do about how I felt the day before, so I attempted to make Tuesday better than Monday was. Usually, this kind of thing doesn’t work, and I end up dwelling on whatever negativity has happened before. But, before I could back out, I put on a 90s pop playlist on Spotify and before I knew it, I was tidying up whilst dancing to Faithless and Britney Spears. And I became so determined, that by the end of the day, all the rubbish I have been hoarding for years was in rubbish bags, and the floor had even been hoovered. Sounds like nothing, but I have been needing to do that for months.

I was so upset on Monday, because I felt like all that planning to positive in 2016 had crumbled at the very first obstacle. But, that ended up not being the main focus, for myself. It is that I moved on from it, and then had a successful and productive day. And it gave me a bit of hope for the next year ahead. Maybe I won’t do everything I aim to do, I am not perfect. But, if I can learn how to cope with the failures,in a manner like I did this week, then maybe 2016 will be better than 2015.

Just have to have faith in myself.

Keeping on track (BEDA)

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Whoops! Someone forgot to post yesterday. I was actually socialising for a change, and forgot to post. I only actually thought about it this morning, when I checked my blog on my phone and realised I didn’t update. This would be an easy place to give up on the challenge, but I thought I’d carry on regardless. It wouldn’t be a challenge if there were no hiccups along the way.

That is something that I am trying to change about myself. I have always been very good at giving up when things get a little bit hard. It’s like I have been programmed into thinking that I should quit something before I fail at it. If I do that, it is like I am taking my fate into my own hands. Except, that isn’t really true. I take the easy way out, because giving up is easier than trying hard at something. It’s maybe why so much of my life hasn’t met my expectations. I haven’t really seen anything through to completion. And then wonder why I am stuck in a minimum  wage job.

I have the dreams, to be better at what I do. To get paid to do something that I am passionate about. That was why I went to college, to hopefully get me on the path to a job I loved. Unfortunately that hasn’t worked out for me, and I think it is my issue with seeing things to completion. I always think I am going to fail, so it’s easier to quit. It says a lot about my self confidence that I think that. But I have never had a good self confidence. And it’s hard to gain belief in yourself, especially when you never had any before. I want to change it, but its only possible if you take one thing at a time. Doing things like writing challenges may seem silly, but it is motivational, and helps me believe in me. Something I need to do a little more of.

Gadget Girl

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I never used to bother about technology at all when I was younger. It may have something to do with the fact that other than Sega Vs. Nintendo, not a lot of people I grew up with was interested in it. We had a PC at home that never gained an internet connection for it’s entire lifespan. It was used for typing school things and playing Theme Hospital. People also didn’t really have mobile phones, not till I was reaching the end of my school years. Even then, the most exciting things were making ringtones or playing Snake on a Nokia 3330. The internet was accessible at school or at the local library, and even then, I wasn’t much interested.

It wasn’t till I found myself in Glasgow, being quite the loner, that I started a blog on livejournal, and I began to get involved with the internet. I started talking to people, who understood, people who are still friends with me many years later. As I have got older, I have found that I have become rather reliant on technology. Like, if I don’t have my smartphone with me, I feel lost. Which sounds very sad, and probably should make me really depressed. But, it doesn’t. And here’s why.

For years through my adolescence I struggled to find out who I was. I just seemed to follow other people, and never really spoke up for myself. Yes, I had my own interests, but they never seemed that important. I was really scared of being alone, and became quite anxious, and kept a lot of my thoughts and feelings to myself. Which, made any anxiety worse. And it developed into me really, really hating myself. I thought that I was a horrible person, a thought that has stayed with me since, no matter how silly I know it is. What helped me step away from hating myself so much, was the internet. I found forums and blogs where I could be myself, without fear of the very few people around me leaving. I slowly became more confident when I realised that I wasn’t alone in how I felt, there were other people struggling.

I think that finding this solace in the online world has been something that has stuck with me. If there is something that frustrates me I’ll tweet or write a blog about it. I’ll express it in a way that makes me feel better. I can message people from anxiety forums when I feel a panic attack coming on. It helps me cope with stuff around me. Particularly when I have reached out to people in my offline life, they have been critical of my depression or anxiety, which is something that I can’t help. If someone is rude to you online, you can always block them. That gives me control that I don’t have in general life, and it calms me down. Maybe it shouldn’t be like that, but it is. The internet is a calming little assistant that I have with me constantly thanks to my phone. And considering I work full time, have a social life and function ‘normally’, I think that it’s great. All these wee devices help me feel like a normal person, and considering I haven’t felt like that since I was 13/14, I feel it is a good thing.

If technology allows a person to feel free and enjoy the things that make them happy, I just don’t get how it can be bad. But, I am an adult. Though, I can’t help how much easier my High School years would be if I was so connected as I am now. If I could ask anonymous resources about how I felt, and chatted to people who were ‘like me’. I maybe would have been more in control of how my brain works. I guess there is no point wishing things could be different. Life is what it is, and technology has helped me a lot.

Proud?

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Over 1 week of continuous blogging. How good am I?

This blog is proof that a little planning goes a long way, as I think I have only sat down at the computer for 2 days of writing. I have wrote about what was on my mind, or about something I’ve enjoyed. The best thing is, because posts are being written 2 or 3 at a time, it is different topics that are being written about. And that spurns me on because I feel like I am talking about different things, and it becomes easier to write.

This motivation has been great, and as such I have started drawing again. Nothing special, just a few doodles. It has always been something that relaxes me, so to have the drive to do it is awesome. It makes me feel a lot less anxious about stuff. That is something that is always a good thing.

Battling With Mental Blocks

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

If you take part in any creative activity at one time or another, it is likely you have suffered from a mental block. A period of time where you can’t physically create what you enjoy, and have a want to do. Usually, for me, I start something and will never get into ‘the swing’ or feel what I am writing or drawing, and I stop. The idea is always in my head, I just can’t transmit it anywhere. And, since drawing and writing is a major stress relief to myself, not being able to do so, can really get me down.

I read something once which claimed ‘people get stuck creatively, because of the pressure they put on themselves’. At first, reading this as a teenager, I did the ‘stereotypical teen’ thing, and scoffed at the very idea of myself being part of a problem with my own creativity. But, all these years later, I believe it to be true. I go through phases where I write so many things in one period of time, and then, almost as sudden as switching off a light, I have nothing. No interesting thought or idea comes up. And I feel lost. I feel like I have lost an arm, because I have used both art and writing as a way to de-stress for so long, I don’t know what to do, when I can’t.

I think, I do stress myself out about trying to get into schedules, and wanting what I create to be of a certain standard (probably can’t tell that, right). I stress about the actual creating something, that I over-think it to the point that I can’t create anything. Because nothing will beat the high expectations that I have for myself. But people amble across this blog and don’t see my stresses. They see a rambling mess which is updated on a semi-regular basis.

But, that isn’t the point. The perception of other people, whilst sometimes nice, isn’t why I made this blog. It is about me describing how I feel, and try to keep me creative. Which, recently, has had the opposite effect to what I wanted. I look at periods where I was at college, and I blogged every other day. I pine for that time, where I felt I was being creative, and so try to force myself into a schedule. I can’t stick to that schedule, so I freak out more, and I post nothing.

So, what I think is needed, is for me to step back. Stop making such an importance on how regularly I post. I want to blog because I enjoy it, and putting pressure on myself, takes away that joy. And, I think that is something that adds to the frequency of ‘mental blocks’ that I get. So, hopefully by chilling out, I’ll find things easier again.

_____________________

note: I am aware that this is more of me complaining why I can’t make things anymore. But, I feel that part of this blog is to brainstorm what goes wrong, as well as just rambling. I am trying to change the way I do things, so that I do want to pick up my sketch pad after a day of work. Creativity needs to be nurtured, not forced. And, I need to remember that.

Climbing Back On The ‘Ole Horse

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I am struggling with motivation.

The writing and drawing that normally gives me immense pleasure, is not doing it so much for me. And it’s a hard thing to get round. Because I tend to feel uncomfortable talking about my feelings to someone face-to-face. I write about them instead. If that doesn’t work, I concentrate all my energy into drawing. And I can feel any frustrations melt away.

But, sometimes, like recently, the ability to express myself so freely hasn’t been there. What I write makes no sense, and I can’t focus enough to draw. So, in turn, I have to try and deal with all the feelings I have in my head. Which proceeds to either me over-reacting to things irrationally, or just a complete breakdown of tears and snot.

It’s difficult, and noone tells you how to cope with that. And it’s a hard lesson to teach yourself. The only advice I can think of is never give up. I can’t tell you how many times I have closed an empty blog entry or put aside my sketchbook recently. But, by persevering you will eventually crave what you haven’t been able to do.

Maybe surrounding myself with more inspiration would help. Right now, I am surrounded by mess and clutter. That needs to change.

Reading Material Abuse

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I got a little bit of stick today. It was because I bought Company magazine.

For those outwith the UK, or who are unfamiliar with the publication, it is a ‘Women’s Lifestyle’ magazine. Now a lot of these magazine’s get a lot of abuse for the images they portray to women, with the unrealistic body images they promote, etc. To be honest, one look at me in my Asda jeans and Avenged Sevenfold shirt, I think you would know it isn’t the fashion topic, per say, that I am interested.

It is the articles. Being a person who has become so in  love with writing over the years, I find that it is for my own good that in take in a variety of styles of writing. Because, as much as I don’t want to admit to myself, this conversational manner that I have going on, is not for everyone. But that is fine, everyone has different tastes and topics of interest, which is what makes everything so interesting. And is also why I do read Company magazine.

It is one of the cheaper ‘glossies’ on the news-stand, and it, like me, tries to have a very conversational tone for their reader to enjoy. I know that I like reading this style of writing, because it helps me feel… settled, I guess. I think that it is because there is no force in what is in front of you, just a display of opinion, that is worded like it is a chat you are having with a friend. I feel that this takes out any confrontation, and makes it easier to accept the opinion being put across. If you are too forceful with opinion, then it can come across like you are looking for an argument. Which, to me, is not what writing is about. Yes, show opinion, but don’t try to force what you feel on others.

It just comes off as rude, obnoxious, and to be honest, does not always provide you with an audience. If people think you are trying to be too ‘Little Miss Dictatorship’. then you won’t get support, interest, and people may glance, but they will stop reading. Or they will read on, and then just send you abuse over it. Which, trust me, is not worth it, no matter how good your intentions may be. People can’t always pick up intended tone through text, so if you go for the conversational style, it will come across as more welcoming and friendly.

But I try to read a variety of material, all written in different styles. Music articles are written completely different to a Victorian novel, or even a financial broadsheet. The writing style is always appropriate for it’s intended audience. So if you can distinguish the differences, then it helps you write an article aiming at the right audience. So don’t belittle someone, just because they wish to open themselves up to different styles, these are the people who should be honoured. For not being afraid, for being open-minded, and for doing what they want, despite the uniqueness of what they do.

This has come off almost tutorial like, especially the end. Maybe I haven’t mastered tone as well as I had hoped. Practice is needed.

Stuck In My Head

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Usually when something irritates me, or I want to ‘talk it out’, I post a blog on it. It allows me the freedom to say what I need to say, and then people can comment on it. It seems really methodical to me. It’s like, ‘I say what I say, and you can say what you think about what I said’. It is one of the few outlets where a person can express things without interruption. And doing it on something like a blog, enables people to read through your varying opinions, and get a good idea of what you are like as a person.

However, what happens when you don’t know how to say what is on your mind? If everything you type up becomes just a ‘hash-bash’ collection of words and, ill thought out, phrases. That is something I have been going through at the moment. There is no slow down of the thought processes and opinions, I just don’t seem to be able to write things the way I intend to. Which is irritating.

Over time, I have learnt that the best way to deal with any creative block, is to ride it out. Is to keep to returning to what you are struggling with, and eventually you will get progress. This is what I am doing now. Everything I have written lately seemed so bad. I just haven’t been able to put what is in my head, into words. And when you lose that ability, it becomes almost a burden, even moreso when you use it as a method of expression. It is like someone has locked you in a room, and have given you the wrong key to get out.You start off, with so much hope, but you just stall to a stop, when it doesn’t work.

I suppose that is something that anyone experiences. It can happen with work, with school, with anything. You just hit some kind of mental brick wall, and you can’t get any further. I guess, the thing to remember is that every brick must fall, someday. So keep on trying, and you will get there. Just don’t get to disheartened.

Very Boring

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Do I seem interesting?

With the immense time I put in to being an internet addict, probably not. Well, a little lie there, I actually find myself very interesting. I love my patterns of reading, blogging and TV. I say TV, because now my Sky+ is working properly mixed with Sky working on Xbox again, I have started watching a lot of TV. Most of it is The Gilmore Girls, but still, good quality, healthy TV.

The TV shows I like have to have good dialog and well written and developed characters. I like the fact that you can judge a character, because you have come to know their personality. I think it comes from a life a bookworm, where I did nothing but read for days on end. Not much has changed really, accept now, I tend to use writing to express myself more. It seems rather logical putting my loves for reading and writing together, but it didn’t happen that naturally. I liked to do things on my own, and write because I wanted to. When school became about essays and exams, it stopped being about writing for fun. It started to have a purpose. A purpose which was that I was writing for a meaningless grade.

That sounds bad. Grades aren’t meaningless. But I put a lot of love into what I wrote, and I didn’t like that it was graded and treating like a piece of crap, where all the feeling was sucked out of any piece, just so that the flaws (mostly in grammar) could be picked at. It was a bit of a change in things. Writing at school, became less a labour of love, and more a dementor. (5 points for HP reference.) And it made me think, ‘why’. Why did I have to put so much of ‘me’ into things, just for it to be torn to shreds because of my technical ability.

Through writing on my own, on blogs, etc, I have bettered myself in my grammar. I have become a better writer, but that is through reading a lot of novels, and writing a lot of pieces on other sites. Writing blogs has helped me a lot, in being an aide to help me find the words I need to express myself. The fact that I can put my thoughts across, and do it in such a way (I hope) people can pick up on what I am like, and how I feel. And that is a spiritual thing. The fact that you can connect to so many people, where age and country bare no significance.

Some say I am boring, and lead a boring life. I ask them, what do you do that gives you passion? What do you do, that makes you happy to be alive? What do you do to communicate with like-minded individuals? The internet helps me achieve all that and more, people only mock because they don’t know how to do what you do.