Tag: work

Head In Sand

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Recently I haven’t been sharing at all. Which is not like me, but it’s hard when you are dealing with something that you’d rather not be dealing with.

Unfortunately, life is not that kind. I have been sick, had a major crash with my mental health, had course work due in and the busiest time of the year for the ol’ day job. And it all kind of left me functioning, but that was it. I didn’t want to talk about it, still don’t, because I didn’t want to think about how much stuff was happening all at once. It’s kind of calmed down a little, my coursework is done and Christmas is a week a way, which means no overtime. And it’s allowing me a little time to reflect on why I burrowed myself away from the internet.

For years the internet was where I could let my feelings go, where I could write about stuff that no one cared about. It was very therapeutic and it was completely disconnected from my real life. However, every day there seems to be more merging of both my private life and the one I talk about on line. People who I know in real life, are able to access what I am writing.

Now, this doesn’t seem like a huge problem for some, as they see things being made public, and surely it doesn’t matter who reads it. But… that’s not really how it goes. In my life, I try to put a smile on as I soldier on through whatever the day throws at me. Inside, I may be falling apart, but I don’t want people to see it. I always feel like my mental health issues makes me a burden on others, so I don’t want them to know. That way people don’t feel pressured into being nice, they are being nice because they want to, not because I’m not right in the head. And when these people I share my daily life with can read what I really feel, I feel like I have let them down. I mean, surely I should be able to talk to folk, right?

So, sometimes it is easier to bury my head in the sand. Pretend things are okay, when they aren’t. It’s not perfect. But, it can get me through times where I don’t have the strength to deal with questions about things that I don’t know how to put into words. That’s what writing helps me do, sometimes, put what’s in my head into words that (kind of) make sense.

A Testing Time

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

These last few weeks have flown by. It is that time of year, once again, where assements and summer seem to collide. I am studying through the Open University, which gives the ability to access high level learning, whilst still working full time. Which is what I am doing. It gives me a sense that I am working towards something, which is what I need, after being in my current job for 5 years. It is a very good thing. However, the recommended study time, doesn’t actually sound like much, like 10 or so hours a week. But once life gets in the way, that 10 hours is a lot.

Key to doing anything like this, is being honest to yourself, and honest to the people there to help. Be it people at work, friends, or folk at where you are studying. When looking for help, it is easy to forget that there are actually lots of things set up to help you succeed. Managers and tutors are their to help you, their job is to make sure that you have as much support as you need. So, just tell them what the problem is and they can help, even if it is pointing you in the direction of where you can get support.

No matter where you are, you will here people saying that the people who are supposed to care about them (like managers) don’t care about them. But, a lot of the time, when you question them further, you can find that no issues have actually been raised to their managers. As clever as some people like to think that they are, noone is actually a mind reaer, they sometimes only know something is wrong, when it is pointed out to them. So, no matter how silly you may feel, speaking up can make things a lot easier, and help release the pressure.

However, that can be easier said than done.

Just Pretend

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Anyone with mental health issues will tell you the problem that is encountered when you attempt to speak to people about it. Your intelligence is questioned. You are told to grow up. You are made to feel like you are ‘doing it for attention’. All of which makes things worse. It’s a problem made worse when people use mental health as an excuse to get time off work. Not that they suffer at all, but because they couldn’t get the holiday. If you have genuine stress and anxiety, time away could help. But when people say ‘I’ll just say I’m stressed, because they never question that’. As if it is some lame excuse like having the flu.

That excuse to get time off is an insult to every person genuinely suffering. Every person having to turn to a doctor because they feel like they are losing control. Every person who cries themselves to sleep every night, and then cries in the morning because they still have to live. A person who panics uncontrollably at every little thing, from doing the dishes to buying a newspaper. It’s not tidying up, because there is no point. It’s not showering, because there is no point. It’s eating rubbish because something has to fill the massive hole you feel inside.

It makes me so angry. And disgusted. As a person who suffers mental health issues, and know a lot of people suffering, I find it awful that someone would pretend to ‘join in’ so they could get time off. It shows ignorance of the world around them.

It kind of makes me feel a bit sick.

Whoops

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I want to apologise.

I said I was going to post regularly (every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday), and I haven’t. I am not going to show up with empty excuses, but be a bit honest instead. I am very good at signing up to do too much and then fall under the weight of everything. Doing a lot of work is only good if you are able to keep up-to-date with your schedule.

I fell apart last week. It is my first week being on anti-depressants for many years. Whenever I think about it, I get stuck on the feeling of failure, that I wasn’t able to cope, when I had been coping for years. Except, I don’t really think I had been ‘coping fine’. I think I have been treading water and pretending I was okay for a long time, when I wasn’t. But, I did get help eventually, which is good.

As anyone, who takes any mental health medication, will tell you, it does take time for medication to take effect. And, it can make you extra lethargic and sleepy as you get accustomed to the medication. And, I believe that is what has happened. Everything I do, has different importance. So, whilst I love writing and being creative, my actual full time job is more important. I need to pay the bills that allow me to do the things I love. So, I have been ptuting everything into getting to work, and functioning whilst I am there. And, it has been exhausting.

I am also still doing my IT course with the Open University. I will be honest and say, that I have fallen behind because of everything that has been going on. But, I am still chipping away at everything. I will get there eventually. And that is how I feel about everything right now. Deal with one thing at a time.

What to say?

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Last week, was Mental Health Awareness Week, here in the UK. So all over the media there was advice on speaking out, and telling someone what you are going through. It is a nice thing to see, though when they are berating celebrities who are going through problems at the same time, it seems very shallow. But, some discussion is better than no discussion. To let people know that there is always someone for them to turn to.

But, what if someone turns to you? You may have no experience in anything mental health related, so what are you to do?

The answer is to simply listen. Normally people just need someone to talk to. Someone who isn’t going to judge, but be a shoulder to cry on when times get tough. That’s all you need to do, and whilst it might not feel like a lot, it could make a huge difference to the other person. If you react negatively, the effect that could have may be long lasting.

About 6-7 years ago, in my previous job. I struggled to speak about it, because I felt like I was getting upset over nothing. After being signed of sick, because of my depression, I returned to work to find out that I had a new team lead, a person who I had worked with before and actually didn’t mind. I explained why I was off, and got ‘why are you depressed, you have a job, a house, you have nothing to be depressed about’. It belittled every little thing I was dealing with in my head. I thought I was being a hassle, so I stopped going to doctors appointments, I stopped talking to people. I ended up hating my job, because I felt I was ungrateful because I was so depressed despite having a job. I was put in an area which I struggled with, and was shouted at by customers at least twice a day. And I planned out ending everything. What one person said to me, hit so hard at such a crucial time, that it has taken years to pick myself back up again.

So, please, if someone confides in you, don’t be critical. Even if that is what you are thinking. Because it could really cost someone their life.

Working Through It

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Today I started work and I was panicking. I don’t know why, as I get spikes of anxiety for no reason. It’s like I think something is going to go wrong, like this impending sense of doom. It makes me easily irritable, and I cry at just about anything. It’s completely irrational. And it is so embarrassing. No one wants to see a 30-odd year old adult crying for no reason. But then I feel ashamed, and that makes my anxiety worse. It really isn’t very nice.

Luckily, in my job, I have the space where I can just go to a quiet area and work myself. Give myself a little breathing space. It also gives me the chance to focus on my work, a chance to be distracted by something that isn’t my own over-active imagination. If the area I am working in gets to busy, I have the ability to move somewhere else. And it is actually really cathartic, sometimes. Today, I have been able to focus on what I was doing. and it has really helped.

It doesn’t always work, as because my job is monotonous, it’s very easy for the mind to start to wonder. And times like that, it’s like I can’t do anything right at all. The silly thing is, what works one day, might not help the next day. And it is so frustrating. In the UK, if you are off sick, your first 5 days are unpaid. Which means, that people are forced to try and work through issues that they would maybe be better dealing with at home.

It can be really hard, but every time I make it through a day, which has been riddled with anxiety, I feel a wee bit proud that I did it. Even if no one else does.

Pure Ragin’

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Do you ever get hit with a wave of anger? One where you just seem to get irrationally angry. Which makes you want to shout and get irrationally angry at nothing. When I get like that, how I feel seems valid, at that time. As soon as the time passes, I do feel daft, a bit like a wee kid, who stamps their feet and whines, when they don’t get their own way.

It tends to happen in places like work, where little insignificant things seem to get ‘blown up’ to be an almost life and death level of seriousness. It suddenly becomes very important that someone is taking the best work for themselves, leaving other workers with rubbish. Like, in a normal setting, my brain knows that all the work has to be processed, so just focus on doing the best you can with what you have. But when I am in  that work setting, where everything is exaggerated, there is no rational thought. Things seem personal, as if someone is trying to stop you from doing their job. They aren’t they are just making the best opportunity for themselves.

Sometimes, I think I need to remind myself to take a ‘step away’, to go and cool down. Which is easier said than done.

 

via Daily Prompt: Tantrum

Holiday is over

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I have been pretty quiet on here for the best part of a month. This was a break I felt that I needed. Sometimes, it can be very easy to be pulled into what is online, very deep. I think social media is a lot worse than sites like wordpress, but the attachment is there. Everything is always updating and switched on, and as a person whose mental switch is kind of half on/half off most the time, it can be extremely draining.

bridge
Liberty Bridge, Budapest, Hungary

In me and my friend booked a holiday to Budapest, in Hungary. We go away to meet Scotland fans once a year, or so. It was a friendly, so there wasn’t as much fans as there usually was. But it was just what I needed. I went away for a week, but was off work for two. I went back to work last week, and decided to go back into things in a slow manner.

So, today, after much delay, I opened up the computer and did what I needed to do. The biggest thing was studying, although the course started back last week, I had been feeling a bit hesitant about going on. I think the biggest reason is that the start of the unit is focused on binary conversions and scientific theory, which honestly is pickling my brain. I do get it, eventually, but it is hard work. Especially for someone who hasn’t really done maths since High School. Hopefully I get used to it.

Sometimes, I think the worst thing about taking time off from anything, is having to get back to business again. I like being busy, but sometimes it is good to take time off.

Not As Bad As It Looks

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

When you read articles which help you plan ahead for a successful future, they are very good at telling you hope for the best. That things are going be great, no matter what. Which is nice, hopeful, and a good thing to work towards. Obviously, as people get older, what makes them happy, doesn’t stay the same. And depending on what people go through, it can also be hard to settle on anything happy.

When I studied, back when I was younger, I had varying amounts of success. At the earlier years at school, those first exams, it was fairly straightforward, I studied and I got results. It was awesome. But over time, I found that I was getting dis-interested. I didn’t do completely bad, but it felt so much harder to sit down and work on what I needed to. Eventually, I just think I felt apathy towards all education. I forced myself to try and further my education and find that elusive ‘better life’, I had read about. It made everything so much harder, and when the results weren’t matching the effort I put in, I started to feel really discouraged. It has left me with a mindset, where I am set up to fail.

I work hard, but recently, it has become clear that if I want to get in a better paying job, I need to do something other than just work. So, I had think, about what I am interested in, and what field is always in need of workers. So, I signed up for a course with the Open University, which is in IT and Computing. And it is very interesting, and I am enjoying it. However, the last module I did, contained coding for creating programs, and I felt the mindset set in, as well as utter panic. I felt a little lost, and I panicked, because I was challenged, I assumed I was going to fail. The panic was bad, that I struggled to complete some of the questions that I needed to answer. I assumed that meant that everything was over. It wasn’t. I got my result back today, and out of a possible 90, I got 78, I only dropped 12 marks, which was such a shock.

It’s made me realise that a lot of what you experience, does have a lasting effect on you. I was so surprised to have done so much better than expected, and it was a nice surprise. Maybe, it would be better to try and live in the moment, and not mentally jumping 10 steps ahead. But, that is a major issue with my anxiety, but the more I realise it happening, the more I can try to change things.

Happy 2018

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

The annual ‘first post of the year’ is here. Already. I like to reflect on things and plan ahead, the start of a new calendar year seems like the perfect time to do that.

2017, wasn’t as bad a year as some other recent years have been. It’s the first year, where I feel like I started taking my mental and physical health more seriously. I spent time in the gym, which helped a lot. And I also learnt to step back when things become hard, not to force myself into goals which are stressing me out more than they should. This is something that happens A LOT, thanks to the fact I overthink things. And I think that has helped me so much. It means that despite crashing my first car, not progressing anywhere (eg career or otherwise) and losing contact with old friends, I still ended 2017 optimistically. Which is a nice change.

Looking forward, i think I may stick to the same tactic as before. Where I didn’t keep actual resolutions, just general broad goals. I would like to do better at losing weight, keep on track with uni work, do overtime, get a new car, get a place of my own… the list can go on a bit. So I am prioritising things, and the main ones are focusing on my health and doing the work I need to do for uni. Everything else, I would like to happen, but I won’t feel to down if it doesn’t. Things happen in baby steps after all.

My 2017 was better than 2016, so all I want is for 2018 to be better again. And that’s all I wish for anybody out there. Happy new year.