If I can’t see it, it can’t exist

I always have a to-do list for my day. Usually something that I created on my phone’s note app. Just a wee way to organise things that I have to do during my day. It can be however detailed I need it to be. If it needs to say ‘go food shopping’ it’s fine, and sometimes it can be ‘put on socks’. It’s like, depending on my mood, the tasks I have to can seem really normal, or really insignificant;y stupid. It usually helps me take a mental note of what it is I have to do during my day.

However, most of the time, these to-do lists end up half done. I always start off well, but normally one thing takes a little more effort, and the remainder of the list is forgotten about. And then I just feel really bad about not doing what I had planned. It’s all rather sad. But, if I don’t make note of a list to do things, then nothing gets done. At all.

So, I write my list of tasks for the day. And no matter how small the steps are, if I want to do my hobbies, like read, write, or play my Nintendo Switch, I have to add them to my to-do list. Because, even though hobbies are things I enjoy doing, my brain thinks of them as ‘just another task’, something that I simply won’t do if it isn’t sat beside my other tasks for me to mentally tick off.

It all feels rather pedantic, if I was to be honest, but it is how I seem to get things done. Like today, I had writing a journal entry on my wee list. And it, along with ‘sorting through DVDs’ and ‘do the dishes’, can be marked as completed. This means that I should be able to focus on getting my uni assessment done for the rest of the afternoon. I am full aware, that I do have a tendancy to add to my list, if I can avoid the one thing I actually need to do. But at least there is a chance for it to be done, if it sits on the list patiently waiting it’s turn.

May Challenge: Weight

I was always told that, when I was younger, I looked like a rugby player. It was because I was bulky. Short and stout, a bit like a teapot with no spout.

I was always short, but the other bit never really bothered till I got older. In High School my confidence disappeared because people started making me feel bad for my weight. As if I was stupid for not being as skinny as other folk. Over time I ended up hating my body, and food became punishment instead of just nourishment. I didn’t deal with what was going on, and tried to lose weight for years.

Unfortunately, my self hatred caused issues. I didn’t see any value in myself, so didn’t see the point in making effort to get fitter. So, over the last few years, I’ve acknowledged my mental health issues, and tried to work on them.

I am hoping that as I get healthier mentally, I’ll be able to get physically healthier too. Hopefully.

Standing Still

I am getting really irritated about myself. I sometimes feel like I am making progress, with my mental health, but then just go backwards. It’s frustrating.

For example, last week was really positive. I was in a really good mood, which was helped by a quiet few days at work. So I had time to relax, catch up with friends and not working. Which is nice sometimes. However, this all ended by someone saying something negative to me. I feel really stupid, knowing that someone making a throwaway comment can effect me so much. It’s the kind of thing that makes me feel ashamed for feeling bad, and that I am a liability, and no one really needs to be around someone like that.

Thinking like this, is not nice. It is suffocating. Previously, I would just dwell on this feeling, and end up in a terrible state. Now, I try to reach out to people. Well, there is only a handful of people who I feel I can reach out to. This is not to be against people I know. If I feel bad, I feel like a burden. Which is how I tend to feel most the time. It is exhausting.

Afterwards, it is easy to say that any feelings of anxiety are irrational. But that doesn’t help that feeling of utter useless you get, when you are only barely treading water. It sometimes feels I am moving forward, only to come back to square one. But, when I do feel a bit better, I can think with slightly more optimism.

I may return to square 1 time after time, but maybe that square is moving further up the board as I go on. I mean I do know I am better than I even was last year. It is just unbelievably slow.