Tag: thinking

Not Everyone’s Pal

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

Anxiety has a habit of convincing a person, that everyone hates them. Or I get that anyway. That I could be the nicest person in the world, and everyone will still hate me. Over the years, it’s a feeling that has become so overwhelming that I try to make the opposite happen.

I feel like I have to be liked by everyone. I try to be friendly and helpful. I try to be the kind of person I like. Sometimes it’s like I become a Labrador, who is up in everyone’s business because they crave a pat on the head. But sometimes, I can be the nicest person in the world and someone still won’t like me.

I haven’t done anything wrong, but this other person doesn’t see eye to eye with me. And I take it really personal. Why don’t they like me? What did I do wrong? And my mind jumps to the worst conclusion, that everyone really hates me, they just don’t tell me that. It makes me become hyper aware of every little thing I do, as if I am trying to find the annoying bits.

If logic played a part in mental health, it would tell me that what I was feeling was silly. That not every person in the world is going to become friends, and that is okay. Doesn’t mean that there is anything wrong. It’s just the way life is sometimes.

Unfortunately, logic rarely has any space in my anxious wee brain.

Head In Sand

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Recently I haven’t been sharing at all. Which is not like me, but it’s hard when you are dealing with something that you’d rather not be dealing with.

Unfortunately, life is not that kind. I have been sick, had a major crash with my mental health, had course work due in and the busiest time of the year for the ol’ day job. And it all kind of left me functioning, but that was it. I didn’t want to talk about it, still don’t, because I didn’t want to think about how much stuff was happening all at once. It’s kind of calmed down a little, my coursework is done and Christmas is a week a way, which means no overtime. And it’s allowing me a little time to reflect on why I burrowed myself away from the internet.

For years the internet was where I could let my feelings go, where I could write about stuff that no one cared about. It was very therapeutic and it was completely disconnected from my real life. However, every day there seems to be more merging of both my private life and the one I talk about on line. People who I know in real life, are able to access what I am writing.

Now, this doesn’t seem like a huge problem for some, as they see things being made public, and surely it doesn’t matter who reads it. But… that’s not really how it goes. In my life, I try to put a smile on as I soldier on through whatever the day throws at me. Inside, I may be falling apart, but I don’t want people to see it. I always feel like my mental health issues makes me a burden on others, so I don’t want them to know. That way people don’t feel pressured into being nice, they are being nice because they want to, not because I’m not right in the head. And when these people I share my daily life with can read what I really feel, I feel like I have let them down. I mean, surely I should be able to talk to folk, right?

So, sometimes it is easier to bury my head in the sand. Pretend things are okay, when they aren’t. It’s not perfect. But, it can get me through times where I don’t have the strength to deal with questions about things that I don’t know how to put into words. That’s what writing helps me do, sometimes, put what’s in my head into words that (kind of) make sense.

Constantly

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

I have talked on here before about my mental health. It started off with depression when I was at school, and as I got older, depression’s friend anxiety came along to the party. I always found it really hard to find information on what other people went through with their own mental health experience. Because, I wanted to find someone that I could relate to, which helped me deal with my own issues. The problem is, that when I first started having issues, all the information was very medical journal- like, and there was no personality. So, a while ago, I thought I would post my pondering about my own mental health. It seemed an obvious thing to do, as maybe other people would find solace in the mental health related nonsense I would write about. And it also helped.

Doesn’t really help with physical health though. Over the last month, I have damaged the ligament in my foot (AGAIN!), got diagnosed with anemia and got a horrific head cold (and hideous cough) which refuses to budge. It just feels like it has been one thing after another. Which is exhausting. The thing is, whilst I have been trying to make myself comfortable in talking about my mental health, when I get physically sick I kind of feel different. Sounds odd, but let me explain. I feel kind of embarrassed. Mostly, because the most common times my physical health issues happen, are at work. Because if I feel shit on a day off, I will just keep myself in solitary confinement. But at work, I have to tell my manager, who then gives me a look of annoyance that I have something else which is slowing me down at work. I have people tell me to take time of, on the sick, to recover. But, I feel like sick pay is for when I REALLY can’t get to work. Some sneezing or limping about, may slow me down, but they don’t stop me from working.

I think, I suffer more under anxiety and depression. Which is hard to explain. I think that when I am physically ill, I have the willpower to keep going (or trying). I may have to take breaks, or go to get an ice pack, but I feel I can deal with those. Whereas, if I feel worthless, I can’t even get out of bed. But when my ankle was swollen up at its worst, I forced myself out of bed, and carried on. I think, that if others are like that, can push through physical barriers of sickness or pain, then that is maybe why they don’t understand mental health issues. It is your stubborn brain that makes your carry on when you are sick, but with mental health, your brain has kind of got a flat tire and stops completely. It is hard.

But everything has been one after another, recently, and I’d just like a break. Just time to feel better, and get back to the gym. I am planning on looking into eating better, and seeing how it helps my general health. Because, right now, I have a new thing wrong every week. Do you know what would be helpful. A function like on my PC, where I can restore things back to where everything worked. That may be quite a bit back though.

Lost Day

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Today is Sunday, and it is the worst I have felt in quite a while. It has come from nowhere, which is probably one of the more frustrating parts. I don’t really know where this feeling came from, the feeling of hopelessness, but it showed it’s face today.

I have heard before, that keeping busy can keep the problems of mental health at bay. Now, that is something that seems over-simplified, but there is an idea of truth in it. When I am working away, I can get anxious, but can kind of work through it. However, when there is nothing getting done, the bad thoughts come into play. I woke up this morning, around 10.30, with plans to get up and be busy. Make the best of my day off. But I just couldn’t pull myself out of bed. I just lay there. I dozed a little, but I mostly just felt crap.

When I am feeling like this, I kind of clamp up. I get stuck between contacting someone to distract me, and not doing anything so I  don’t ‘burden’ anyone. This reaction, is not new, its something that has been born out of years trying to deal with my mental health on my own. Something that shuts people out, because it is embarrassing that I am struggling with a life that is not actually that difficult.

Depression is vicious. It takes time. It needs understanding. But it sometimes gets neither. So I have to do it for myself. I have been having problems with depression most of my life, I can say that now, first started when i was 15, am now 32. Never spoke to anyone till I was in my 20s, I just needed to ‘grow up’. But physical growth does not equal mental growth, so nothing changed. I had to make it change. Which I have fought hard to do. A fight that so many people I know don’t know of, let alone acknowledge. I guess that is what mental health does. Makes so many people battle themselves in private, and nobody else knows of their debilitating pain.

Luckily for me, whilst I can’t tell people that I am having a bad spell, I can write it. It might not be the most grammatically correct,  but it is a release. It is easier to sit in front of my computer for an hour, typing away, than it is to sit in front of another person and explain what is ‘going on’. I have tried to speak to people before, been called selfish, self-centered, stupid, childish… all whilst they stare me down. Sometimes, negative commentary from others, actually reinforces what is going round in my head.

It’s complicated. And I hate it.

But sometimes, it is easier to say I am sick. People will accept stomach bugs without question, when I want to lie in bed all day.

Blogging Helps

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I have always been vocal about how writing has helped me get through my life. It has been useful to write about my feelings rather than pile it on another person. Blogging has helped me make sense of a lot. I have always known that it isn’t just me who turned to writing a blog to get through things, it’s become a kind of therapy for so many people. 

Tonight I watched The C Word on BBC One. It’s about Lisa Lynch, who starts writing a blog to help her deal with what happens after she was diagnosed with breast cancer. Lisa wrote a book based on her experiences. I won’t say what happens in case any readers wish to read the book or watch the TV show, but it’s clear that writing really helped Lisa. She found other cancer sufferers through her blog, and they helped each other through. 

I think it’s great that such a simple thing, like writing what’s in your head, can help so much. To me, writing is the best kind of therapy. It helps me so much, whether I write about what I am actually writing what I feel at that moment or not. Not enough respect is given to people who write what they feel online. Posting on a blog is releasing something to the world, so that anyone can read it. That is pretty crazy. I love reading through people’s blogs as well. Through reading someone’s writing you can learn so much about that person, just by seeing how they express themselves. And different people experience things differently, so it is always good to read how others deal with things. 

The C Word was shown on BBC One on Sunday 3rd May, and is now available on BBCiplayer. 

Trying Is Important

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I attempted to blog every day in April, and I didn’t. Including this post, I blogged 21 out of 30 days. It doesn’t sound like much, but it is a lot better than what I thought I would do. Every other time I have tried any daily creative challenge, I have usually only work on it for a few days. I don’t even bother trying to struggle to do things, they become a challenge and I give up.

As I have mentioned previously, I have not been of the best health recently, and I have been going to work, eating and sleeping. I found that if you are not well, and continue working, you have no energy at all. It makes everything so much more difficult. I am not looking for sympathy, I just find that I forget how exhausting things can be sometimes. The good things is, that whilst I am still a bit bleugh, I am getting better. I am not trying to cough up a lung several times an hour and I am getting more sleep. This is making everything a wee bit easier to deal with. So I thought I’d pop on here, and just touch base.

The BEDA thing was fun when I did it. I love the process of creating content on a daily basis, and like the challenge of posting something. Some days were easier than others. Some days had hundreds of words, some just had a photograph. It made me realise what this blog means to me. It is one of the very few places online where everything posted is original content by me. Which as someone who likes being creative, I think it is important to have somewhere like that. Anyway, because I enjoyed blogging every day, I am going to try and continue posting daily now I am feeling better again. If I don’t post a day, it’s no big deal, I’ll just post the next day. The important thing is that I try, it gives me some kind of focus.

Depression Diaries: Working Away

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Depression is a strange thing to live with. For weeks at a time you can be struggling to even get up in the morning. It never really lifts, but there are days where I can put up with it, and kind of work around it. Days where I feel as normal as I can get. When I don’t feel like crying at all through the day, where I can speak to people without wanting to crawl into a dark corner for wasting their time. But whatever I feel, I do my best to get up and go to work. It’s the one thing I try to promise myself, to go to work, and at least I have achieved something no matter how crap the day ends up. Though I have phoned in sick, it doesn’t happen very regularly.

I work in a warehouse, and by looking at my blog title and things you’d notice that wasn’t my plan. But, needs must, and at least I know I have regular income. Unfortunately, not everyone sees jobs like that. Some people have a snobbish look at jobs that they view as ‘below’ them. And I have people asking me why I’d bother working at a warehouse. They imply that for a person to work there means that there is something wrong with that person. It’s almost like they are saying that a person has to be ‘stupid’ to work in this warehouse, and be content.

This should be an easy comment to brush off, because why should someone else’s opinion matter? But it does. It’s another reason to feel to feel like a failure. Like, it is a basic job, anyone can do it. I don’t add anything to the job, and no one would notice if I wouldn’t go back. My brain goes into this spiral where my thoughts are just berating everything that I do and how everything is just a waste of time. And it is honestly horrible. I have this instilled thought that I just waste people’s time, so just end up spending time alone. And to think that even the medial task of working a basic job is worthless, it just makes me want to hide from everything.

I am writing this after taking some thinking time over how bad attitudes about my job make me feel. I have tried to look around the negative feelings, and find something a bit better. The conclusion that I came to was that everyone expects things to be done for them. Whether you visit a coffee shop for a Mocha or clear out your rubbish bin, there is someone there that makes things happen. Someone makes your coffee, and someone collects all the rubbish to take to refuge. Everything that happens in modern day life happens because someone makes it happen. Even when you do things online, someone makes that dress you order get to your door. People make things happen, and without the people doing the medial tasks, things wouldn’t happen. At all. Every job has a purpose, every person has a purpose. Maybe rather than tearing apart those around us, we should recognise that people do shitty jobs and there is no shame in it. I need to remember that sometime.

Fear Of Being Bias

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

My plan was to write a blog on both sides of the independence debate, which is currently going on in Scotland, with a vote due to take place in a few days. I was going to blog facts from either side, to make something that people can read through. I thought that would be a simple tactic, be honest and impartial. It, however, has not been that easy.

I started out the campaign, sitting in the ‘No’ camp. And thought that writing about the debate would help clarify what I thought, whilst cleaning through all the BS that occurs in politics. Since the debate was announced, I planned to write. But I couldn’t. I struggled to find information to make my writing coming across as balanced. I read books, watched the TV debates, spoke to campaigners and researched online. The ‘Yes’ information seemed to be very positive, and sold their aims with passion. The ‘No’ information seemed to be negative, and concentrating on debunking what their opposition said.

Now, that of course is a bit of a generalisation. But because I hit a dead end at the start of the campaign, I felt I would leave it for a time when things would be more ‘padded out’. So that anything that I posted, would accurately represent both sides of the debate, as this was something that I felt was missing. I left it for a while. And, then a little bit longer. And now, in 48 hours voting will be over. And I still don’t feel that I can accurate represent both sides equally. So, I made the decision to back-step. I think as the debate has gone on, I have felt my mind change as I researched more and more. It also began to dawn on me how difficult it would be to write about something that has a direct impact on myself, and try to be impartial. When something is going to affect you, your brain is always going to try and think on one side or the other. Maybe that is a fault in my writing, that I can’t seem to write past my own opinions.

But that honesty of my own opinions, is something that I have always written about in this blog. I feel that being honest with myself, makes me honest with any readers. And some of the nonsense that is passing back and forth in this debate, is just lies. And I don’t feel comfortable passing on lies and exaggeration as if it were facts that could help make up someone’s mind. And if someone is unsure, I’d re-direct them to http://www.bettertogether.net and http://www.yesscotland.net. Personally, I am still swithering, but am leaning more towards a ‘Yes’ vote. Maybe it is time for a change? The government doesn’t seem to understand a lot, and independence will hopefully do more for the rest of Britain too.

I feel like the big point I need to make is to remind people to tolerate one another. This debate on whether Scotland has created quite a large division between people. Those who believe we are better as British, and those who believe Scotland needs to do it alone. Yes, the vote is the most important thing to happen to Scotland in a generation, but every voter is only acting on what they believe will be best for us. Best for our country. Best for our future. A person who hasn’t researched online isn’t ‘stupid’, a person who wants to dream isn’t ‘delusional’. What seems obvious to one person is not obvious to everyone. Every person is entitled to their own thoughts and opinions, and should be allowed that. This vote is a democratic one. This means, that you have to allow others to vote what they want, without FEAR or INTIMIDATION.

 

All It Takes Is A Little Effort

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

Sucking at life is easy. People make a big deal of it being ‘so hard’. How heartbreaking it is, when things don’t go your way. How it sucks when you ‘try so hard’ and everything just falls apart. But be honest. Did you really give the 100%, which the situation required?

Probably not. I know I am in my current predicament because I haven’t applied myself to things. I will cry, and feel sorry for myself, but that does even less than the ‘no effort’ does. I try to tell myself that I have an amazing work ethic. I do, in the aspect that I go out and work. I, however, do not apply myself to said work, which ends up with things going wrong. I then have the nerve to turn to others, to managers, to teachers, and blame them for my failures.

It all sounds rather terrible, doesn’t it? Maybe not something I should post in something I consider my ‘more professional’ blog. ‘Come and hire me, I’ll show face but don’t expect any work done’.

I am posting this here, because I feel that acknowledgement of a problem, is the first step to try and fix it. And I want to fix it. I am a bit sick to the back teeth of constantly failing. My life feels like a list of ‘have not dones’, rather than ‘have dones’. Which is the route of my depression recently.  Being depressed is very tiring, and is something that takes up all your time, absorbs all your energy.  Which is ironic when I think it is laziness, which has got me into where I am right now. All because I couldn’t be bothered.

So, I am setting out to become more bothered and dedicate myself to getting things done. Whether it is blogging, completing tasks at work, or visiting friends when I say I would. I suck at all aspects of life, and I am so unreliable. I want to be a person someone can turn to. I want to excel at my job. I want to be better than who I am today.

I know it’s a bit early for a New Year’s Resolution, but 2013, let’s have ye.

 

 

 

 

Opinion Time

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Why does your opinion matter?

It’s because opinion is something that you create using your own thoughts and ideas. It’s something that can be really personal, and something that a person can really value.

So when someone disagrees with your opinion, it’s understandable to get defensive. You feel emotional attached to your opinion, and it feels like when someone attacks them, they attack you and what you believe in.

So remember that, when you come up with an opinion that you don’t agree with. That person has crafted their belief from their own thoughts and ideas. That makes their opinion just as important as yours. Treat it with the same respect as you expect your opinion to be.

If you don’t respect what others believe in, why should they respect you?