Updates Smupdates

I have been having a bit of a nightmare recently. Where I don’t feel like I have anything to say. It doesn’t sound too problematic to most people, but when you are used to expressing yourself in a therapeutic way, it really becomes suffocating. I have previously found that anonymity of writing things online, without it effectively anything in my personal life. Recently though, I have been finding that more and more things are getting back to people, who are getting offended that I don’t want to talk to them about my problems. And this means that I don’t write down or say anything, because I feel guilty that I can’t simply phone someone up and explain away my feelings. I wish that would work, but it doesn’t for me.

As a result, I have been hesitant on what I write down in personal and public journals. And it has been awful. I feel so much more stressed than I had been, when writing regularly. This could be just a coincidence, with me getting phased on anti-depressants at the same time I found it difficult to write about things, but it feels more significant than that. I think that it hurts that the one thing that provided me with some relief with my mental health issues is now triggering the same issues that I would write about.

My anxiety gets triggered by a lot, but feeling guilty is a major one. A lot of the time the guilt is about something that has nothing to actually do with me, personally. I always worry that someone has taken offense to what I have said, and it really stresses me out. I have panic attacks, which are very messy and full of tears. I will dwell on things for days. If someone speaks to me harshly, then I assume it is something I have done wrong, so I panic over it. Someone can say something to me that they will forget within 10 minutes, but I will stress over it for days. It’s frustrating because, logically, there is nothing for me to be concerned about, but logic doesn’t seem to be a factor when anxiety takes hold.

I remember when I first started having mental health issues, when I was a teenager, and everything was just brushed off. I lost count in the amount of times that I was told to ‘grow up’, something that stuck with me for a long time. Like, this big, dark cloud that I was dealing with, was just me being immature. It wasn’t, but by the time I realised this, had stopped turning to people, as I was obviously a burden. I fear judgement and guilt from turning to other people, something that is a massive part of my anxiety. And now, the same people who told me to ‘grow up’ all those years ago, want me to talk to them?

It is difficult, and people should always be mindful in how they act towards others. Just because something doesn’t effect you, doesn’t mean it doesn’t effect other people.


I have talked on here before about my mental health. It started off with depression when I was at school, and as I got older, depression’s friend anxiety came along to the party. I always found it really hard to find information on what other people went through with their own mental health experience. Because, I wanted to find someone that I could relate to, which helped me deal with my own issues. The problem is, that when I first started having issues, all the information was very medical journal- like, and there was no personality. So, a while ago, I thought I would post my pondering about my own mental health. It seemed an obvious thing to do, as maybe other people would find solace in the mental health related nonsense I would write about. And it also helped.

Doesn’t really help with physical health though. Over the last month, I have damaged the ligament in my foot (AGAIN!), got diagnosed with anemia and got a horrific head cold (and hideous cough) which refuses to budge. It just feels like it has been one thing after another. Which is exhausting. The thing is, whilst I have been trying to make myself comfortable in talking about my mental health, when I get physically sick I kind of feel different. Sounds odd, but let me explain. I feel kind of embarrassed. Mostly, because the most common times my physical health issues happen, are at work. Because if I feel shit on a day off, I will just keep myself in solitary confinement. But at work, I have to tell my manager, who then gives me a look of annoyance that I have something else which is slowing me down at work. I have people tell me to take time of, on the sick, to recover. But, I feel like sick pay is for when I REALLY can’t get to work. Some sneezing or limping about, may slow me down, but they don’t stop me from working.

I think, I suffer more under anxiety and depression. Which is hard to explain. I think that when I am physically ill, I have the willpower to keep going (or trying). I may have to take breaks, or go to get an ice pack, but I feel I can deal with those. Whereas, if I feel worthless, I can’t even get out of bed. But when my ankle was swollen up at its worst, I forced myself out of bed, and carried on. I think, that if others are like that, can push through physical barriers of sickness or pain, then that is maybe why they don’t understand mental health issues. It is your stubborn brain that makes your carry on when you are sick, but with mental health, your brain has kind of got a flat tire and stops completely. It is hard.

But everything has been one after another, recently, and I’d just like a break. Just time to feel better, and get back to the gym. I am planning on looking into eating better, and seeing how it helps my general health. Because, right now, I have a new thing wrong every week. Do you know what would be helpful. A function like on my PC, where I can restore things back to where everything worked. That may be quite a bit back though.

Converse Well?

What do you notice most everyday? Is it the weather? What you had for dinner? What outfit you wore to work? Do you remember the person who served you when you bought your morning coffee? Did you say thank you, or are they lost in your mind, destined to never see the light of day again?

I ask because as someone who has worked in customer services since I was 16, I have always found conversation important. Of how a little bit if effort to wish your bus driver a nice day, could make him smile and want to be nicer to other passengers. Positivity is a chain reaction, once you feel it, you can pass it on to others. It is contagious. And when you feel happy, everything that you have to deal with is a lot easier.

So why does that bring in conversation? Well, I work in a call centre, where conversations are of obvious importance. Sometimes, due to the environment, it is easy to become caught up in the business of targets and such, so that conversations don’t become the focus. Well, in my bid of being more positive, I decided to work on building a better conversation with my customer. And over the last few days, I focused on the call and the customer, and it made me feel good because the customer could see the difference. Feeling like you have helped someone, is a big personal boost, and that makes things bearable.

The biggest way to change things, is to treat everyone in your life the way you expect to be treated. Converse with people to treat the situation with a positive outlook. Try it and see what happens. It makes work better and life easier. As they say, if you open the door for positive thinking, more positive opportunity will find you.

I hope this makes sense. I am always quick to complain when life is poor, but being positive is not something I do normally. So this new thing is helping
me change some habits and hopefully change my life for the better.

Picking Up Speaking Habits

So where do you get the small characteristics in your speech from?

Don’t be confused, I don’t actually mean behaviour traits. Because they tend to take years and years to develop. I am talking about little words and phrases you pick up from people you talk to  or from people you watch .

What made me think of this? Well,  I have been watching Nat’s Community Channel videos on You Tube, and I have noticed she says ‘bro’ a lot. I then noticed me using it in conversation. And, I’m no Australian funny girl, so when I said it, I was met with that kind of uncomfortable silence where you start looking for the tumble weed.*sigh*

So some words don’t exactly suit every person, nor every situation. But hey, if you try out a ‘new word’ don’t be disappointed if you get a few laughs because of it, because there is usually at least one reason people in Scotland shouldn’t say ‘Bro’, especially when talking to a girl. :S But it is always interesting, because sometimes words to catch on. For instance ‘awesomesauce’, I heard from Canadian youtuber WaffleJon. And, it has been used by other youtubers, and now is used widely by people all over the place. And awesomesauce never gets so much as a chortle. Probably because it is AWESOME!!

So yeah, I am guilty of stealing words and phrases from other people. *nods* And I’m pretty sure it comes from something in childhood, where all kids would play the same game to fit in. So if someone you fancied at school said something cool, you would start saying the phrase, in a bit to fool yourself into thinking that you were close to said crush.

What? That was just me? Dunno what you’re talking about, because I have never done that. *cough*

I guess it is just how people are, they do pick up little things form those around them. And because speech is the most common way of communicating, it’s no surprise we adapt what we say. Pretty cool, when you think about it.

Want to know if anyone reading this, has any words they seem to have started saying as a direct influence from someone else. So let me know, bro.

Na, that is never gonna seem cool no matter how many times I say it.