Tag: rambling

Thumbs Up!

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Today I am feeling very positive. Like that I can take on the whole world. Which is something that doesn’t happen very often. It may be that taking time out and doing things for myself is working, or it may just be that I haven’t been working for most of last week. Either way, it is a nice feeling. And, as I have mentioned before, I want to show a bit more of a balance on her. Making the point of writing when I am doing well, not just when I feel rubbish.

So, I am taking this feeling of positivity and turning it into actual stuff. That stuff includes writing, like this, and getting things ready to shoot a video tomorrow. Yes, I am another person who sometimes vlogs (video blogs). Nothing makes me feel better than expressing myself, and the more avenues I have to do that, the better I feel. I started off well with my vlogs, at the start of the year, but I have since fallen off that horse long ago. But, as I have said before, it is not about not doing something, it is about carrying on with that thing after a period of not doing it. If that makes sense.

I feel buzzed today. As much as I would like to think it is because it was my birthday yesterday, I know it isn’t. Being on the wrong side of 30 kind of has the opposite effect that my birthday used to have. But, I do always take time out of work for my birthday, so maybe it did help. So I was sitting around feeling a bit hyper today. So i decided to do something useful, and spend a while rambling some nonsense. Again.

This post was created under the influence of:

This video by Tessa Violet (Meekakitty)

This song by Good Charlotte

This album by Babymetal

 

Me Versus Food

~ Sue ~ 2 Comments

I am 31 years old, and spent most of my life invisible. Not getting into fights, not hurting anyone, not hating anything. Doing everything I have been able to do, to stop any attention on myself. But, I am kind of lying here. I do hate something, and that something always has been food.

When I was 13, I got my first job delivering a local newspaper. I was starting to have problems at school, with people calling me names and making me feel like shit. I had friends, but whilst I could have the best times with them, I never really felt I could confide in anyone. So to make me feel better I decided to use my new income to buy something to make me feel better. Because I was getting under £5 a week (was a really shitty paper round), I could afford a magazine and one other thing. That other thing was usually junk food. A multipack of Wotsits, just cause they were my favourites. I’d eat them through the week, when I ‘needed’ a boost. That was just the start of it.

As I got older and as life got that bit harder, I guess I turned to food more and more. It became easier to eat a bag of Doritos than actually speak to someone about how I was feeling. And it has caused me a lot of problems. My health, is biggest problem. I have tried to deal with my weight, a lot, but as soon as I try to focus on succeeding, it is like my thoughts are diverted to think about failing instead. About being in a worse state than I am already. About being one of these people who dies in a room, that has to be lifted out their window by forklift, because they can longer fit through their own front door. Yes, my brain jumps to conclusions, but that is what it does. Makes me wonder what the point is of trying to make any change.

Just walking down the street makes change hard. In my local High Street area of less than 20 shops, there are 3 bakeries, 3 cafes, 2 chip shops, 1 pizza shop, 1 chinese takeaway and 1 Indian. And that is not including the 2 supermarkets and 2 paper shops, which also sell food. And most of the food is crap. Or they do sell salads, but it is hidden behind all the fizzy drinks and fatty snacks that I find so comforting. I want some healthy pasta, I must walk past cakes, pizzas, pastries, chocolate and just shit, which is usually cheaper than the healthy stuff. And I always crumble, because just walking past all that crap makes me feel so shit, that I crave that same shit to make me feel better. It’s some fucked up cycle of thoughts sponsored by sugar addiction and lack of care for myself.

And that is maybe the worst feeling. I know I am unhealthy. I know I am shortening my own life span. But, I can’t help it. I do try, but the accusations of not trying ‘hard enough’ just makes me give up. Not eating enough is classed as a mental health issue. Which is good. But us that over-eat, we are just fat, lazy and incompetent. Sometimes, I think that my life would be easier if food wasn’t a requirement for life.  Then it wouldn’t be featured on TV so much, in every newspaper, every website, just everywhere. Whenever I see food, I feel bad. It would be easy just to have block button, like you do on social media, where everything to do with food would disappear from my life. It would then make it easier to deal with.

I want to blame other people for feeling like this. But it is all my fault. They say silly jokes. Jokes that aren’t funny to me. Jokes that make me want to cry. But that isn’t anyone else’s fault. It’s not their fault I find it hard to talk. To people anyway. I just need to find a new way to deal with things, that isn’t me eating some greasy salty shit. Just don’t quite know how to do that.

Yet.

 

What day is it?

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I don’t really know. I always find it hard to keep track of the days over the festive period. Which can be a bit of a nightmare when you are working during that time.

Like, last week and this week I have only worked 2 days, instead of my usual 4, and that alone is enough to throw me off. It isn’t helped by the fact that a lot of the days are named, like tomorrow goes from being Thursday to being called New Year’s Eve, and Friday is New Year’s Day. And, I just get a bit lost in it all.

The truth is, that as the years seem to past faster as we get older, this mish-mash of the days just seems to add to that feeling. I guess the only reason years seem to go faster, is that each year we live, becomes less significant. I don’t mean that in a bad way. But if you are 16, each year is 1/16 of your life, which is more significant (percentage wise) than a 40 year old, where each year is 1/40 of someone’s life. Maybe, that’s why it feels like each year gets shorter, because we live more and more of them. 

I am aware that probably won’t make sense to anyone reading. But, after some pondering, it kind of made sense to me. 

Pushing Through

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Every person will reach a roadblock at some point. It could be physical, psychological or situational, but there will always be something that could stop you from reaching your intended goals. This is something that can be very disheartening, and is a pain to get through, as the more time that passes it feels that your goals are edging further and further away from your reach. It is hard to know what to do.

My main roadblock is my mental health, which I do talk about frequently on here, and I do find it hard to get past it. Particularly when I only end up doing part of a task, if that. There is this sense of failure that overcomes me, and it is a reason for my internal voice to berate me for being so useless. When that starts to happen it is hard to do anything at all. I can’t go for a walk, make a cup of tea, put on music, do ANYTHING that normally relaxes me. I am left in a state of loss, I never know what to do. I have no will to do anything, because what is the point if I am just going to fail. And it is something that I have struggled with for years.

But, after years of not really getting anywhere in life, I am teaching myself on how to deal with these roadblocks that I have. When I become discouraged because I feel that my goals are out of reach, I am trying to move the goals closer and making them easier to achieve. This may mean that the target is not as big as originally intended, but maybe that isn’t a bad thing if it gets me moving again. And when I have tried this, it seems to be working more and more. The feeling of achieving small goals is a lot nicer than the feeling of failing everything.

Maybe if you can’t pass a roadblock, building small steps will help you get over it or find a different route.

Bullies Never Prosper

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Everyone encounters someone who tries to beat them down. It is something that nobody should ever have to experience. That feeling that you are not worthy of any kind of affection because you have no self-confidence left. The feeling when you don’t want to go to work, school or even home, because you are so scared of what could happen. The worst part is, that most people that you speak to, have had a problem with a bully at some point.

I had some issues when I was at school. Petty name calling and being made fun of. Being short and on the tubby side, I was an easy target. Most of the people who tried to pick on me weren’t people I wanted to be friends with, so I just ignored them. It seemed so much easier to do back when I was younger. As I became a teenager in High School, the words became more hurtful. I never figured out if it was really the words that changed, or just that they were chipping away at me, without me really knowing. 

Many stories you hear of bullying, give you the impresson that things get better once you leave school. It didn’t for me. By the end of High School I had lost a lot of my self-confidence and I became a lot quieter. I started hating myself because I was fat and couldn’t seem to do anything to lose it. Not that I had the energy to try. Besides, when people saw me out running or walking, some would shout names. Names that hurt me. Names that made me want to sit at home and gorge on food. And it made me hate myself more.

I wish that I could say that a lot has changed over the years. Most of the people that made me hate myself have been cut out of my life now. I say most because some people I can’t cut out. Some people are a part of my life, whether I want them to be or not. Where I get demeaned for the smallest thing, but am still expected to act as if I owe them something. And that is hard. How can you move past something when you don’t get the time and distance to heal? So I continue to suck it up. Unable to move past the belief that I have recovered all this abuse because I am a bad person. 

And that’s what bullying does. It skews everything that you thought you knew. And despite never doing anything wrong, you blame yourself because of the actions of others. And the funniest thing is that the bullies never see the damage they cause. They will never see the self-hatred that was started by their ‘petty taunts’. But that’s why those of us that have been bullied need to speak up. People need to support one another. 

(Not) Following Instructions

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I like to think I am a very independently minded person, in that I am willing to go down a different path, if I feel it will work for me. I always have been a little like that. Did what I wanted to do, despite what other people would do. I’d spend my summers reading library books, as well as playing outside with friends. From an early age, I seemed to realis that ‘a little bit of everything’ is a good thing. So I would try new things, as well as doing my favourite things. The problem with trying something new, is that you have to learn the best way to do it, and this can sometimes be where I fall a bit flat.

If I get instructions for something, I tend to skim through and try to pick the bits that I deem the most important. This is, as I have mentioned before, because I am lazy. I don’t want to spend any longer on something than necessary. I like a good ol’ quick fix. Sometimes it works. I do what ever I need done, and there are no problems. However, a lot of the time something doesn’t work. And you’d think I would have learned something over my 30 years of life, on to at least read instructions properly. But I haven’t.

I am sure that everyone has this one character flaw, that means that they do the same thing wrong over and over again. Reading instructions is mine. I seem to think I know what I need to do, before I even glance at the instructions. This seems bizarre, when I am writing it down like this, because if I knew what to do, then why have the instructions? What I think I know, and what I don’t know are two different things. As a person, living in an age where I can Google any question I have from my phone, wherever I am. Information is everywhere. And as such, I think it may make people think they know ‘it all’, when the actually know very little. And I feel this ‘knowlege bravado’ is what makes me rush through instructions and trying to learn. It is something that annoys me, because if I read things properly, it would probably take less time that having to re-read things because of inadequate skimming.

An example of this is that I recently decided to sell my old phone to a phone recycling website, so I can get a bit of cash. Great idea, right? I received a box with instructions on preparing your phone for delivery. The instructions was two sided, which I would have noticed if I had taken my time. I read one side, which showed how to wipe all the data from your mobile phone, and then send it. Which I did? What I had missed was that you also had to remove the device from your online cloud account. I only know this, because I received an email from the company telling me to remove the phone from my account. So I have had to take time tonight, after work, to find my account and remove the device as requested. And the disturbance to my evening, is no-one’s fault but my own.

So learning how to follow instructions needs to be on my to-do list. Not that anything on that list is getting done. Am I the only one who doesn’t read instructions properly?

Battling With Mental Blocks

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

If you take part in any creative activity at one time or another, it is likely you have suffered from a mental block. A period of time where you can’t physically create what you enjoy, and have a want to do. Usually, for me, I start something and will never get into ‘the swing’ or feel what I am writing or drawing, and I stop. The idea is always in my head, I just can’t transmit it anywhere. And, since drawing and writing is a major stress relief to myself, not being able to do so, can really get me down.

I read something once which claimed ‘people get stuck creatively, because of the pressure they put on themselves’. At first, reading this as a teenager, I did the ‘stereotypical teen’ thing, and scoffed at the very idea of myself being part of a problem with my own creativity. But, all these years later, I believe it to be true. I go through phases where I write so many things in one period of time, and then, almost as sudden as switching off a light, I have nothing. No interesting thought or idea comes up. And I feel lost. I feel like I have lost an arm, because I have used both art and writing as a way to de-stress for so long, I don’t know what to do, when I can’t.

I think, I do stress myself out about trying to get into schedules, and wanting what I create to be of a certain standard (probably can’t tell that, right). I stress about the actual creating something, that I over-think it to the point that I can’t create anything. Because nothing will beat the high expectations that I have for myself. But people amble across this blog and don’t see my stresses. They see a rambling mess which is updated on a semi-regular basis.

But, that isn’t the point. The perception of other people, whilst sometimes nice, isn’t why I made this blog. It is about me describing how I feel, and try to keep me creative. Which, recently, has had the opposite effect to what I wanted. I look at periods where I was at college, and I blogged every other day. I pine for that time, where I felt I was being creative, and so try to force myself into a schedule. I can’t stick to that schedule, so I freak out more, and I post nothing.

So, what I think is needed, is for me to step back. Stop making such an importance on how regularly I post. I want to blog because I enjoy it, and putting pressure on myself, takes away that joy. And, I think that is something that adds to the frequency of ‘mental blocks’ that I get. So, hopefully by chilling out, I’ll find things easier again.

_____________________

note: I am aware that this is more of me complaining why I can’t make things anymore. But, I feel that part of this blog is to brainstorm what goes wrong, as well as just rambling. I am trying to change the way I do things, so that I do want to pick up my sketch pad after a day of work. Creativity needs to be nurtured, not forced. And, I need to remember that.

Falling

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Here I am
Standing alone
Degrading thoughts pounding my mind
Feeling like the worst person, for doing nothing
Looking for someone to lean on, and finding myself falling to the cold ground
No one to pick me up
No strength to do it myself
Focusing on past failures
Unable to see a future
Feeling worthless and utterly alone

I cry
My eyes become raw
My head starts to ache
My heart is broken,
There is no way out
This cloud won’t clear

________________________

Journal entry from 2008, when I was at college, when depression started to hit me hard. I was struggling for something to post today, which lead to me reading through some old journals. When I was low, I always turned to either writing or drawing to help me let out my feelings. The best thing about being able to express things in such a way, that I have the opportunity to look back at everything that I felt, however melodramatic it may seem.

Depression is hard. But it can sometimes make me feel better to see that I can get better when things get bad, that I can actually see that things can get better. It’s about finding ways to cope with the ups and downs of life.

Looking For Sue

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

I am the kind of person who has always thought for herself. Mostly because I have always spent a lot of my time on my own. Also, because I had no one to really ‘bounce ideas off’, I just came to my own conclusion on things.

When I was younger, I struggled with it. I struggled that the person who I wanted to be was not the same as everyone else. I just wanted to understand the workings of the world a bit better, and find a way to contribute to the world. Whereas everyone else at school, had decided at 12 what they would do, and we’re going to stick to that path. In fairness, all my friends that were that focused on their future career, got what they wanted. And for that, I am proud and have a lot of respect that they ‘stuck it out’ and got where they wanted to be.

I just wasn’t that focused. I thought that there had to be more about life that just getting a great job. I visited museums and art galleries on my own, I just tried to find out who I was. To me, being the person I wanted to be, was more important than any vocation. Which is why I maybe flunked college when I went. Twice. But I look it those ‘failures’ as character developments. Both times I attended college, I discovered a lot about myself, and continued my search to find the person who I wanted to be.

I became so focused on me, my relationship status rarely changed from single, which is still the same today. But I found a person I am happy to be, and that is more important to me. The only relationship that should have all your attention, is the one with yourself. Because if you don’t love you, how can you expect anyone else to?

I try to educate myself regularly. I love reading books on history and politics. And I have recently taken to teach myself French (after I attempted it at school, but have forgotten 99% of it). I feel that over the last few years, I have moved greatly towards the person I want to be. I just cut my Mohawk again, for the first time in 6 months, and I feel like me. And from someone who has struggled with herself for most of her life, this is a revelation. It makes me feel successful, although people looking at my life, may disagree.

I am the kind of person who: is compassionate, has kick-ass music taste, ponders a lot, reads 3 books at once, puts subtitles on movies because I want to listen to music at the same time, has a strong dislike for the colour pink, interested in politics, interested in science, grrl gamer, is intelligent, is a bookworm, opinionated, is accepting, non-religious, argumentative, childish, queer, tattoo addict, fashion reject.

All these things make me who I am. What makes you who you are?

Cool Original

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

What do you think is cool?

I ask, because no matter what you feel, there will always be someone out there who disagrees with you. Liking and disliking things are feelings that are part of our personality, part of what makes you, you.  I always remember being told as a kid, ‘if everyone liked the same thing, the world would be a boring place’. Which is true.

I am glad we don’t live in a world of clones, where everyone thinks the same things. I like the discussion with other people on a variety of topics. I like persuading people why a particular album or book is brilliant. I like the fact that people could recomend things that I may like. If we were all the same, then there would be none of that. And I think that it takes the excitement and sense of adventure out of life.

But with people having a difference of opinions, then there is also the people who don’t appreciate the free-will of others. They have the belief that their viewpoint is correct, and everyone else is in the wrong. And it is this lack of understanding which causes a lot of problem in our society. Be it religion or politics, peoples’ lack of understanding that other options exist causes wars and conflict. It is unnecessary. People have this part of their personality, which gives them the ability to comprimise and reason. Too many people do not employ these qualities, and prefer to dislike those who differ in thoughts to themselves. And think about it, to do that can lead to a person segregating themselves from everyone around them.

I guess I just think, that if I am allowed to think in a certain way, everyone else should be able to think they way they want to. Fair is fair.