Tag: personal

Failure

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Well, the last few months have been rather fail, in that I don’t seem to have blogged at all. Well, that is lies. I have blogged, just not very consistently.

As I have mentioned before I usually blog when I am feeling low. I guess it I a bit of a cliche of a person complaining about lack inspiration, when their satisfaction of life improves. The new task for myself is trying to balance these two things. Using blogging to relax some of the strain is great, it’s just makes it hard, when there is no strain to release.

But, I am going to persevere. I have been doing a lot of sketching recently, and that is awesome. It is something that I stopped for a while, but have really enjoyed getting back into. It also feels awesome, knowing that I have gotten over a creative block, which has plagued me for months. I am hoping that will rub off on my activity on the blogosphere. I mean I am even recording vlogs again. That is something.

Feelings Are Unpredictible

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Sometimes I am so happy at the smallest thing. Like I will laugh uncontrollably at something which isn’t funny at all. But I also have the tendency to cry without warning. It’s not something I dwell on too much any more. I used to analyse how I felt about things. It always ended up making me feel bad, because I never had any valid reason for feeling sad, so I would beat myself up over it.

It probably isn’t as strange as I think. Because everyone has up and down days, it’s just how you cope with these ups and downs. It is not something that everyone is born with, it takes time for you to learn to give yourself a break. It is hard, because people tend to try to think of things logically, and sometimes our emotional state does not work very well with logic. Basing logic on something which is ever changing, leads to over analysing of things.

It used to get me down that I had bad days for no reason. I tried to think of a reason, which lead me to getting worked up and lost about why I felt like that. But, I got to a stage where I accepted the bad days. And slowly, I noticed more happy days. This may have happened because l stopped dwelling on the sad, and opened me up to the better times. This was a turning point, and took a long way to get there. I just had to learn that it’s okay to have bad days, and they are only there so we can judge what are good days.

A Life Balance?

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I am in the middle of watching The Devil Wears Prada, which is a movie about a girl who is trying to follow her dream as a journalist. To get to where she wants, she works as an assistant at a fashion magazine, where her boss is ruthless. It seems to focus on  the story that as someone’s professional life gets better, their private life goes out the window. It is the consensus that it is impossible to have an equal balance of work and play, and the sacrifices that a person is willing to make to be successful.

The work and play thing, is something that I think is about where a person’s focus lies. If you focus on one particular thing, then everything else kind of pales in comparison, and it causes some things to fall away. It is natural, as there is only so many things a person can put their energy into. But it can be hard to find a balance between having a life whilst working at a career. It’s not anything that someone should feel particularly bad about. I guess that it can just happen sometimes.

My take on it is that work and success can lead to more money, and that is something that can lead to more opportunities. That, in itself, is something very freeing, that you can afford do things that you want to. That makes you happier, and I would like to think that would make me want to spend and try and push the rest of my life up to ‘speed’. But I guess, I am maybe looking at it with ‘rose-tinted glasses’, because my working life is getting better, I can see myself being able to afford to change my life in 2012.

That positivity is not something I normally feel at the start of a New Year, in fact I am normally very much the opposite. So I feel that I can take on the world right now, as stupid as it sounds. I have never had an exciting personal life to lose, so any change that happens is a positive outcome. I just have to cross my fingers that things work out in some sort of balance. I could do with a good year.

To be inspired

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Reading books, watching TV, listening to music, everyone has something that makes them want to better themselves. Something that makes you want to take on the world, and feel like you can win whilst doing so. This is something that is certainly not lost on me, as I try to gain inspiration from a lot of sources.

I am coming up with a problem though. I don’t know if it is a case of seeing ‘too much’ around me, or if it is because I just think too much. When you read a book you like or listen to your favourite album, they spur you on, as you try to emulate their success. But for success to be valid, there needs to be failure, to balance it out. Just like how you can’t get light without dark, you can’t get success without failure. And after thinking about this, I have been lead down the path that has me wondering if the balance between success and failure is applicable to the one person’s life, or if it is people who are deemed success or failure.

I guess it could be either, but my head tends to liken it to being a person by person kind of thing. So if someone is a failure, it means someone else can be a success. That always sounds a bit of a ‘glass is half empty’ kind of logic, and I guess that is always how I have thought. I have always preferred to look at the worst case scenario, rather than the best, as I feel it is a cushion for the disappointment I feel when things don’t go my way. Except, it isn’t a very good cushion,  because it still hurts when I don’t do well in something.

There is a school of thought, that teaches you, that if you are thinking of the negative, you will not see the good things, for all the negativity. Now whilst I think that is a very valid point, is something that is very difficult to get round, when you are used to thinking in a certain way. To step away from the negativity, you need to re-train your whole way of thinking, and that is no easy task. Especially if you have been thinking in said way, for almost the whole 27 years of your existence.

I guess, I keep on trying. I keep on trying to be inspired, and change my mindset. I get days where things change for a few days, maybe even a week, but then it changes back, and I find myself back at square one. This back and forth is one of the hardest things for me to accept about myself. It’s like everytime that I reach a landmark, and really feel good about myself, something happens and I just fall back into a pile of self-doubt.

The good news is, that there are more good days, than bad days right now. Having a lack of motivation to be creative is a big weight on my shoulders. It has happened over the last few years, where I struggled hard with depression. It is a situation where I find myself, that I can’t be creative. I get ideas, but then think ‘what’s the point’, it’s not going to lead anywhere. And I think that is the thing that is derailing me the most. The fact that I can’t see where I am to go. I feel stagnant, that I am not moving forward, so what’s the point?

When you have thoughts like that in your head, it’s really hard to try and see the positive out of anything.

Music: Left Alone- City to City (feat. Tim Armstrong)

 

 

Monday Madness

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

The start of another week. Already. Sometimes I wish that the time would slow down a little, as it seems to go too fast. It feels, especially at the moment, that I spend most of my time procrastinating or lying in bed. Lying in bed, procrastinating. *sigh* I have no idea why I am like this, but it means that I feel the passing of time so much more. Mostly, because I have these ideas, which go nowhere because I am too lazy to put these ideas into action.

There is a good thing. I am currently very energetic (possibly thanks to the coffee). So I am painting things for my Christmas cards, drawing sketches for a project I am helping a friend out with, and I even tidied up a little. This is crazy. I am NEVER that motivated, so I have to make the best of it whilst it’s here.

So I am watching Rosianna and wishing that I had friends who used the internet and valued it as much as I do. Yes, I value the internet. It is there for every purpose. It is there when I need to let any aggravation out. And, if needed, I will get feedback from the internet when I want it. And the thing is, I don’t know anyone who thinks that me having two blogs is a good idea, they don’t see why I would want to record myself for youtube. Sometimes I would like to spend more time with people so that we could encourage each other to make better web content. Because, that is what most of what we do online is. Creating content.

Even if you post a Facebook comment once in a blue moon, or you write a daily blog, you are packaging a piece of yourself for the world to see. To me, I think it is great, but I know a lot of people don’t think outside their own profile page. I think it is amazing that we can document our lives through these avenues of expression, and that other people can see what we have to say. I created my original blog over on LiveJournal, way back in 2005. And it came with me, on a large portion of my life. I know that if I had written such thoughts down in a book, the book would be lost as would the thoughts. So it is nice to have them to document who I was at that point.

I think that is where the perception of ‘time’ hits me. I look back at what I have done, and it doesn’t feel so long ago, and then I look at the date. I realise how much I have done between then and now, and just reflect on it all. Which is great. I mean, I blogged about when I used to self-harm. And as uncomfortable as it was to read all that, it is great to know that I can deal with things a lot better these days. It makes me feel like I have achieved something fairly major in my life. And that although, I had shared my feelings over the internet, it really doesn’t mean anything to anyone other than myself.   It shows me that I can do things, if I stick to it. And that, is sometimes just what I need to hear.

Black Hole of Blackness

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Been playing around with a lot of things recently.

In that I am trying to get my online self sorted. *cough* Yes, this has been something I have been trying to do for a few years now, but, I am rubbish at actually doing things, creatively on-line.  The volume of studying I am supposed to have done, you’d think I’d be able to do things. But, alas, my brain is like a whiteboard, in that information disappears way too easily.

I am pretty sure, that comes across as a complaint. It isn’t meant to. I just have to be doing things a lot, for me to actually remember how to do them. The thing is, a lot of the things that I should have been practising, I haven’t, and hence have forgotten how to do them. One of these things is ‘web design’, and I just feel that if someone looks at me, trying to decipher a page of HTML, they’d see the huge question mark floating above my head.

So, after, much umming and erring, I am getting back into things. Or I will try. Going to work through things, bit by bit, and hopefully refresh my mind a little. I haven’t had any projects for a while, as I have been feeling rather ‘unworthy’ of anything, to be honest. But, I aim to psych myself up, and hopefully get somewhere. I need money, so I am hoping to work hard enough to get things going.

One thing college never teaches you, is how to keep up motivation when things seem to be going nowhere. It is hard. It is hard to stay well-versed, so that when something does come along, you aren’t like a deer in the headlights. I guess I am getting at that point, where I am sick of sitting watching other people get what they want. Three of my closest friends are doing jobs they wanted to do at school. And I work in a call centre. And I take it to heart when all I want to be successful, and I work hard, only to get nowhere. Maybe I should have been more practical when picking out my career when I was younger. Maybe if I aimed for something a bit more reachable, I would be happier with ‘my lot’.

But, as always I will power through the bad feelings. Only because I am running away from the bad feelings, because I hate feeling so powerless. And yet, it is trying to find the strength to be the person I want to be, that is so hard. I just seem to mess up at every opportunity, and it is hard to keep trying after failing so many times.

Sorry. *cough* In a pondering mood, and am a bit lonely. So, dear blog, you bear the brunt.

‘Team’ work

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I always thought there was.

I am currently taking part in 3 different projects, where in taking part in a team was essential. Because I have not organised any of these projects, there are obviously people taking part that I don’t know. Something I am fine with. I like getting the opertunity to meet new people, and get to know them. To be honest, it is one of the wonders of the internet. It brings people together.

The issue is, when you get involved in some kind of group project, you have to appreciate other people’s opinions and learn to work together. But there is always something that gets in the way. Usually it involves people trying to force their point of view across. I am a compromising person,  but it gets to the point where rather than the group being a collaboration, someone wants to be boss.

Usually ideas are fine, but it is when these ideas transform into changes. Changes that were never mentioned previously before the project started, but have suddenly became the main agenda, and causes a rift between the team members. People feel a bit taken-aback by how the original plan seems to be changing, that things are being taken over. They feel threatened, because this is no longer a bit of fun. Changes are ‘proposed’ and people feel out of place. Something that has started as a friendly project to bring people together, has become formal. As if it is a competition to push the project quicker than all the team members are ready for.

And if you feel it is like someone is making a change, and rushing ahead, is it right to put your feet down? Surely, that is why things are discussed. So that people can talk about things. And if someone is harsh, and gets a harsh reaction, who is in the wrong? Is anyone? As long as they can understand each others point of view, should there be any animosity? To make a change to original plans, all team members should be agreed on a particular idea.  And if someone percieves your idea as wrong, don’t run off scared when someone does oppose it. It’s give and take.

—

And that’s off my chest. 🙂 I always seem to encounter the same issues when I work in groups. Maybe I am just not fit for working in a team. -.- Has anyone encountered any issues when working with other people? What would be your advice on dealing with it?

 

Stuck In My Head

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Usually when something irritates me, or I want to ‘talk it out’, I post a blog on it. It allows me the freedom to say what I need to say, and then people can comment on it. It seems really methodical to me. It’s like, ‘I say what I say, and you can say what you think about what I said’. It is one of the few outlets where a person can express things without interruption. And doing it on something like a blog, enables people to read through your varying opinions, and get a good idea of what you are like as a person.

However, what happens when you don’t know how to say what is on your mind? If everything you type up becomes just a ‘hash-bash’ collection of words and, ill thought out, phrases. That is something I have been going through at the moment. There is no slow down of the thought processes and opinions, I just don’t seem to be able to write things the way I intend to. Which is irritating.

Over time, I have learnt that the best way to deal with any creative block, is to ride it out. Is to keep to returning to what you are struggling with, and eventually you will get progress. This is what I am doing now. Everything I have written lately seemed so bad. I just haven’t been able to put what is in my head, into words. And when you lose that ability, it becomes almost a burden, even moreso when you use it as a method of expression. It is like someone has locked you in a room, and have given you the wrong key to get out.You start off, with so much hope, but you just stall to a stop, when it doesn’t work.

I suppose that is something that anyone experiences. It can happen with work, with school, with anything. You just hit some kind of mental brick wall, and you can’t get any further. I guess, the thing to remember is that every brick must fall, someday. So keep on trying, and you will get there. Just don’t get to disheartened.

Very Boring

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Do I seem interesting?

With the immense time I put in to being an internet addict, probably not. Well, a little lie there, I actually find myself very interesting. I love my patterns of reading, blogging and TV. I say TV, because now my Sky+ is working properly mixed with Sky working on Xbox again, I have started watching a lot of TV. Most of it is The Gilmore Girls, but still, good quality, healthy TV.

The TV shows I like have to have good dialog and well written and developed characters. I like the fact that you can judge a character, because you have come to know their personality. I think it comes from a life a bookworm, where I did nothing but read for days on end. Not much has changed really, accept now, I tend to use writing to express myself more. It seems rather logical putting my loves for reading and writing together, but it didn’t happen that naturally. I liked to do things on my own, and write because I wanted to. When school became about essays and exams, it stopped being about writing for fun. It started to have a purpose. A purpose which was that I was writing for a meaningless grade.

That sounds bad. Grades aren’t meaningless. But I put a lot of love into what I wrote, and I didn’t like that it was graded and treating like a piece of crap, where all the feeling was sucked out of any piece, just so that the flaws (mostly in grammar) could be picked at. It was a bit of a change in things. Writing at school, became less a labour of love, and more a dementor. (5 points for HP reference.) And it made me think, ‘why’. Why did I have to put so much of ‘me’ into things, just for it to be torn to shreds because of my technical ability.

Through writing on my own, on blogs, etc, I have bettered myself in my grammar. I have become a better writer, but that is through reading a lot of novels, and writing a lot of pieces on other sites. Writing blogs has helped me a lot, in being an aide to help me find the words I need to express myself. The fact that I can put my thoughts across, and do it in such a way (I hope) people can pick up on what I am like, and how I feel. And that is a spiritual thing. The fact that you can connect to so many people, where age and country bare no significance.

Some say I am boring, and lead a boring life. I ask them, what do you do that gives you passion? What do you do, that makes you happy to be alive? What do you do to communicate with like-minded individuals? The internet helps me achieve all that and more, people only mock because they don’t know how to do what you do.

Fall Behind?

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

When you are in the habit of updating things regularly, you get into a habit. You can mentally check off the things you are doing, and get them done rather quickly. But when you fall out of habit, it is hard to start back up again. Well, not hard, in that the task it hard, it is finding the time to do everything.

This is a position I am finding myself in right now. Where I usually do so much online, that I find it taking up a large percentage of my day. Which is fine, until I began to pick up other things to fill my time, and the original activities kind of get pushed to the side. It is not that I am enjoying the tasks any less. It is more that I am finding less time to do what I want. Which is a pain.

Also, I have been in a much better mood than I have been lately, and I think that is a major factor in my writing and what I decide to do with my time. If I am depressed, I find nothing better than locking myself away, and writing away to myself. It is release. But when you have nothing to release from, and you want to be out enjoying the world, it becomes a different scenario. I think that is a big reason as to why June has been a quiet month on every website I go on. I have been doing things other than sitting in front of a computer all day. Which is sad really, because I have so much I want to talk about, either on here, or on YouTube, and I don’t seem to have the time to prepare them. So instead of a well thought out topic, you get an apologetic, ramble of  word vomit, thinly disguised as a blog attempting to make a point. Something which it fails miserably in.

Hopefully this is the last check-in post for a while, and things should be back to topical goodness as soon as I can afford to spend the appropriate amount of time on it. If I can’t, then I feel I should issue a warning about the word vomit. But, then I think, it is a blog, it is personal, and it is mine. So I shouldn’t really need to disclaim or apologise. But yet, I feel my grovelling is necessary. *sigh*