Tag: personal

Looking For Sue

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

I am the kind of person who has always thought for herself. Mostly because I have always spent a lot of my time on my own. Also, because I had no one to really ‘bounce ideas off’, I just came to my own conclusion on things.

When I was younger, I struggled with it. I struggled that the person who I wanted to be was not the same as everyone else. I just wanted to understand the workings of the world a bit better, and find a way to contribute to the world. Whereas everyone else at school, had decided at 12 what they would do, and we’re going to stick to that path. In fairness, all my friends that were that focused on their future career, got what they wanted. And for that, I am proud and have a lot of respect that they ‘stuck it out’ and got where they wanted to be.

I just wasn’t that focused. I thought that there had to be more about life that just getting a great job. I visited museums and art galleries on my own, I just tried to find out who I was. To me, being the person I wanted to be, was more important than any vocation. Which is why I maybe flunked college when I went. Twice. But I look it those ‘failures’ as character developments. Both times I attended college, I discovered a lot about myself, and continued my search to find the person who I wanted to be.

I became so focused on me, my relationship status rarely changed from single, which is still the same today. But I found a person I am happy to be, and that is more important to me. The only relationship that should have all your attention, is the one with yourself. Because if you don’t love you, how can you expect anyone else to?

I try to educate myself regularly. I love reading books on history and politics. And I have recently taken to teach myself French (after I attempted it at school, but have forgotten 99% of it). I feel that over the last few years, I have moved greatly towards the person I want to be. I just cut my Mohawk again, for the first time in 6 months, and I feel like me. And from someone who has struggled with herself for most of her life, this is a revelation. It makes me feel successful, although people looking at my life, may disagree.

I am the kind of person who: is compassionate, has kick-ass music taste, ponders a lot, reads 3 books at once, puts subtitles on movies because I want to listen to music at the same time, has a strong dislike for the colour pink, interested in politics, interested in science, grrl gamer, is intelligent, is a bookworm, opinionated, is accepting, non-religious, argumentative, childish, queer, tattoo addict, fashion reject.

All these things make me who I am. What makes you who you are?

Attack! Attack!

~ Sue ~ 2 Comments

Work and life has been a bit rubbish.

And I am feeling rather nervous about posting personal things online because I seem to be getting lampooned a lot for it. The usual Internet troll crap is something I can live with, but now people who I accept as friends and family are hating me for it. They don’t understand why I want to ‘tell all’ and post it online for the world to read.

On one hand the criticism doesn’t mean too much, because these people have not a lot of experience of Internet geekdom past Facebook and YouTube. And as a reaction they attack what it is they don’t know about. It’s a natural response i guess.

But on the hand, I don’t understand it. I have had problems with depression and talking about things online has helped me cope – bit. And the fact that these people are attacking my coping mechanism and they know how hard the last few years have been for me.

I guess it sucks. There seems to a stigma that is becoming attached to publishing things on line generally. Which is strange because blogs about clothing, food and tech seem to be very popular.

The worst thing is that I am cutting back on what I am posting, to try and please those around me. Which is not something I should have to do. *sigh* What a pain!!

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPad.

Love/hate

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Opinions. It is often said that ‘like assholes, everyone has one’.

And they do, every single person has their own mind, to help them decipher the world that we live in. Depending on a person’s experiences, their opinions will be different.

And I think that comes into play when you talk about likes/dislikes. Depending on where you are in life, what you do, who you are, you like different things. And a big part of you expressing love for something, you should appreciate that other people should have the same levels of expression that you do. So if you want to express your love for Metallica, your peers should be able to say that they love One Direction.

The other side to this is dislike. If you teach yourself to appreciate what other people like, then you should also appreciate each others’ hates. Likes and dislikes are not something decided to offend a certain person. Easy to understand, right?

You’d think so. But you will still get death threats for saying you don’t like a Lady Gaga album. This isn’t your fault. It is other people, who expect people to put up with their continuous love diatribes to a celebrity, but refuse to except that not everyone feels that way.

Acceptance is something I talk about a lot on here. Just because I think it is so importance. And I think that if I want my voice to be valued, I have to value the voice for others.

Cool Original

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

What do you think is cool?

I ask, because no matter what you feel, there will always be someone out there who disagrees with you. Liking and disliking things are feelings that are part of our personality, part of what makes you, you.  I always remember being told as a kid, ‘if everyone liked the same thing, the world would be a boring place’. Which is true.

I am glad we don’t live in a world of clones, where everyone thinks the same things. I like the discussion with other people on a variety of topics. I like persuading people why a particular album or book is brilliant. I like the fact that people could recomend things that I may like. If we were all the same, then there would be none of that. And I think that it takes the excitement and sense of adventure out of life.

But with people having a difference of opinions, then there is also the people who don’t appreciate the free-will of others. They have the belief that their viewpoint is correct, and everyone else is in the wrong. And it is this lack of understanding which causes a lot of problem in our society. Be it religion or politics, peoples’ lack of understanding that other options exist causes wars and conflict. It is unnecessary. People have this part of their personality, which gives them the ability to comprimise and reason. Too many people do not employ these qualities, and prefer to dislike those who differ in thoughts to themselves. And think about it, to do that can lead to a person segregating themselves from everyone around them.

I guess I just think, that if I am allowed to think in a certain way, everyone else should be able to think they way they want to. Fair is fair.

Absent Minded

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

It is easy to forget something, when you don’t deal with it at all. I haven’t been on-line much. Which is a bit of a lie, I was on sites like twitter, but they are updated through my phone. And whilst I do have a wordpress app on my phone, I am not a big fan of typing for long periods of time on the wee keyboard thing. It irritates my hands, to be typing on something so small. Bet not many people have that problem. -.-

So this leads to me waiting till I either have enough time at lunch to write an entry, or wait till I go home. And I don’t use my laptop a lot right now, mostly because of its faulty power cable. So, as a result, I haven’t been blogging very much. Any blogging I do, seems to be just apologetic ramblings about why I haven’t posted. This is my own fault.

Whilst I don’t think I’ll ever stop blogging, I feel that if I am not in the frame of mind, I won’t do it. And I don’t like filling this blog with empty promises. But hopefully change is coming, and it’s going to start with a new banner design. 🙂 Maybe.

Admitting Defeat

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I find the hardest thing to do, is admitting to myself that I can’t do something. I have always felt that I should be able to deal with things, without help. If not because I ‘have to’, more because everyone else does it fine, so I will too. The thing is, not everything is easy for all people, some things are hard to take in, and deal with.

The worst thing is, asking for help. That is admitting that you can’t do something. You can’t do something that EVERYONE ELSE can do. I know it isn’t just me who feels like this, but I hate admitting that I can’t do something. Which sounds silly, because everyone has something that they can’t do. But, it’s hard. Especially when it is something you need to do on a daily basis as part of your job, or something.  If you start hating the thing that you struggle with, it can end up being the focus of all your energy, and it is negative energy. It’s hard to get over the obstacle that is in your way, if it seems to be something you have to confront regularly.

The worst thing is, when you think you are coping with said task, and it is evident to others around you that you aren’t. If forcing defeat yourself is hard, being told that you need help is even worse. Especially when you fool yourself into thinking things are okay. The self-pity takes over, and you feel ashamed that you didn’t have the guts to say you were struggling.

I think the lesson that comes out of such experiences, is that a person needs to be honest with themselves, through the good and bad. Honesty is easy when things are good, but when things are bad,  you have to train yourself to be honest. That is a challenge that I have to try and tackle over the coming weeks, and I think more people need to be honest with themselves. But I think honesty can also be linked to confidence, and that is where the problem lies for most people.

Content Error

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Adding personality and uniform to my online self is hard. I find I am struggling to keep things interesting. I am currently in a state where I have so much in my head that I want to say, but I always seem to be writing the same things constantly. Which, whilst being quite freeing to myself, it does end up that I post the same old grumblings day in and day out.

I love writing, I always have. But I am finding it harder and harder to keep up any momentum with interesting posts. Sure, I am great at moaning about my life (or lack of it), but I struggle in making things interesting for readers. I guess I have to start ‘feeling’ what I write again. I know that sounds strange, but I feel that I seem to have been really honest on here before, and the reaction kind of shocked me. The internet is full of people who give hate for no reason, and although it is easy to say that people should expect the worst, it doesn’t prepare for the hate that can be angled at you, for just posting your own thoughts.

And when I have received hate, it has shocked me, and kind of made me a little hesitant in posting so much. Which is sad. As mentioned I love blogging, and feel that it is a good way for me to talk through the issues in my mind. So I have just held back, and been posting a lot less than what I used to. This is something I regret letting happen, but it did. I am going to try and get back into things online, which means I need to start thinking up some interesting topics.

I am doing a ‘Sketch-a-day’ challenge, so I am going to try and post some of those pages, and see what happens.

Currently Listening to: Wicked- Defying Gravity

Lust for Life

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

How good am I?

It has been a while since I started the PMA lifestyle change, and I am still going strong. I don’t think I ever thought how hard it was to make the change. I think it is expressing myself that changes most. As a frequent user of social media, I am used to posting any gripes with the world for others to see. For no real reason, it just made me feel like I was complaining to someone, and helped relieve some of the stress incurred by a particular situation.

This didn’t work. What it did do, was get me into a complaining mood, and I moaned about everything.  And this would set of a chain reaction by anyone who read what I had posted. So they would start thinking about their gripes, and it could really sour the moods of a lot of people, without much thought.

The lack of thought could have quite a chain effect. So I have been making a solid attempt to stop myself from making negative comments online., in a bid to get me out of that mind frame. Whilst there has been a lot of challenges with this, it has went pretty well. I have tried to keep a smile on my face, and at least keep my negativity to myself, and shift my focus to something else.

It has allowed me to enjoy where I am more, and I feel more comfortable about any situation I am in. The key for getting past any negativity, for me, is to focus on that silver lining, there always is one, and focus all your energy on that. It really has helped, and I am in a better place for doing so.

Start All Over Again

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

So it’s Tuesday. The start of another week for me. And, I have to say that I am pretty enthusiastic about it.

Why are you not being faced with my usual grumbles, I hear you ask. I guess it’s because I feel good. That’s it really. Just that I feel like I am achieving something good and worthwhile. It is unusual for me, so I feel I should let the world know. I decided last week that I was going to use the next 12 weeks (now 11) to make a positive change on my life.

I am hoping to use the period to do things that I have been meaning to do for a while, such as buy glasses, renew my drivers license, etc. I have taken to writing a ‘to do’ list, and having a copy on my phone, so I can work through what I need or want to do for that day. It seems a good idea, and really helped me get prepared for the day today.

So, readers, do you have any methods that help you get tasks done?

Being Inventive

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

The one thing that I have noticed, is that as a freelancer, or someone who tries to freelance, when you don’t get work, it is hard to keep busy. I don’t know if this has been a problem over the last few months. If I get no interest, I take it personal, because my work is such a personal thing to me. So, when I get no work, I feel like it!s because I have done something wrong. I haven’t, but the easiest way to get past these feelings, is to ignore the issue completely. Which I have done.

But I can’t carry on like this. So, I have been writing down ideas of personal projects, that I can take on, to help improve my activity levels. Hopefully, it will also make me feel better about myself and about my work. I always feel better when I am doing things, be it blogging or painting. Because I am using my time more productive, I hope that the positive change of my thoughts, will open the door to more possibilities.

That’s the PMA way of thinking, anyway. That if you experience more opportunities, then more opportunities will come your way. Or that’s the idea, anyway. I have a few ideas I am thinking of, so we’ll see what happens.