Tag: pain

A Little Push Every Day.

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

During my last post, I talked about trying to get my life in some kind of order. After some further thought, I decided to give myself till Christmas, as a place to assess how well things have gotten. So I have decided to focus on different things every day, do things in small bits. Because, when you simply look at the ‘bigger picture’ it can easily become overwhelming. Or, it does when I do.

Yesterday was a struggle, where I was really sore. I find it really hard to start moving, when I have no solid plans. So I lay on my bed, and felt sorry for myself. I was awake early, but I had no motivation. And that is the issue, the longer I lie, the more everything hurts. Around midday, I got a text from my friend about going to get some coffee after her work, and that appeared to be all the plan I needed. It was frustrating because I couldn’t even do the dishes because I had zero grip, which made me feel useless and I had a little cry. I then went for the bus and bought a sandwich to finally have some painkillers. Progress.

As I already knew, once I had my pain relief and had started walking around, things started to feel a lot better. I had coffee with my friend, and then I went and bought stuff for dinner. I ended up feeling so good I made my dinner, which is a rarity when I have a bad pain day. And then I finally did dishes, so despite starting off bad, I felt rather accomplished.

So, I decided that as I watched the TV during the evening, I was going to do some drawing. One of those hobbies that I have been struggling with. So I charged up my Apple Pencil, and spent around an hour doing a doodle. It wasn’t a piece of fantastic art, but it was a bit of creativity. I am fully aware it looks like a piece of crap.

Today has been a lot better. I got up and moving at a decent time. Had breakfast and pain relief at a decent hour. I then did the dishes, and decided I needed to do some laundry. 5 loads of laundry to be exact. And I organised some things in my room, which made the mess a little bit less messy. I did it whilst listening to some vinyl, namely Descendents’ Everything Sux, and NWA’s Straight Outta Compton. By focusing on what I was doing for short burst, I was quite productive. I’ve now had my dinner, half my laundry is drying on the line outside, and I am planning on having a wee read tonight, after I finish writing.

I feel like a person who can actually function today, which is rare. This is the feeling that I wanted, and one I hope to continue. I’m very good at recognising the bad days, but I need to recognise the good days more.

Marchin’ On

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I call my bedroom, my depression pit. It has become the one place that is my personal space, so everything is a mess. As in everything is on the floor, and it is like I don’t have a carpet, because there is so much crap all over the floor. It isn’t everywhere, I don’t like dirty dishes sitting around, so I like the kitchen clean. Also, spaces I share with the rest of the family, everything should be organised, especially because any visitors will see them.

But my room, when I feel low, I don’t see any point in keeping it tidy at all. When my mental health is poor, I can struggle to do the most basic thing. And with winter coming in, making my arthritis pains worse, I don’t have the mental oomph to push myself to make any kind of effort. Like, I have a job, and it takes any energy that I have to complete my shifts successfully, without biting anyone’s head off. And lately, I have been so sore at work, that I come home so utterly exhausted, that I sit down and everything hurts too much to do anything else. If I am lucky I might boil some noodles for my dinner, if that. Constant pain and bad mental health actually plays havoc with my eating habits. I have no appetite. I have to schedule in eating, and am very bad at saying ‘oh, it’s 10.30am, I may as well wait till lunch time’. It leads to irregular eating habits, which leads me to believe that if I can’t even eat properly, why bother trying anything else.

This links to my ‘depression pit’, because I feel so worthless that I don’t put things away at all. Like, what is the point? I often get to the point where I have to clamber over piles of clothing just to get to my bed. I spoke to a therapist about this, and she says I may struggle because I don’t see the point in making effort for myself, and asked me what I did to for myself. It was worrying that I couldn’t really come up with an answer. Everything in my life feels like a task that needs to be achieved, even playing Mario Kart or reading books. And, if I don’t do anything, it is like I have failed at what I planned, and that reinforces this idea of why I don’t see the point in making effort to do things.

However, today, our central heating was due its annual service, and the boiler is in my closet. So, I had to tidy up, and I spent this weekend slowly plodding through it. Sorting out rubbish, and clothes, dusting and just organising things. I struggle doing it for any length of time, so I set timers, and worked away on smaller targets for up to an hour at a time. And today it looks pretty tidy. And I do like it. However, anyone who has a ‘depression pit’ will tell you it is not a simple untidy space, it is months of buildup. Months of feeling hopeless. Months of feeling listless. Sometimes, you need a catalyst to force you to do anything, or I do. So the heating guy having to come in my room ended up being a push.

I do feel good that things are now tidy, I just need to keep myself motivated. Sometimes, it is so exhausting running from the constant sense of failure, that I just give up. Everything else is exhausting anyway. But… clean slate. As they say, when you fall off the horse, you dust yourself off and try again. That’s where I am, just dusted myself off.

Ouch

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I am finding myself struggling these days. It is numerous in reasons, but focuses around the fact that I am sore. My hands and my feet seem to be the big problem. And, I am honestly just so tired.

It feels like my muscles have always been easy to strain. Like, if I lift something too heavy, my hands are sore for days. I sleep on my arm, which I seem to like to do, my shoulder and neck can be sore for over a week. Or, that is what happened last week. I remember complaining about this years ago, and the Doctor telling me it was tendonitis, but surely not every tendon. It obviously isn’t every tendon, but it feels like it sometimes. And then my rheumatoid arthritis has good and bad days, which is the icing on the shit cake that is my health.

I thought I had an answer. I’d go to the gym. Sign up for a monthly pass, and go at least 1 morning a week. Hasn’t happened, yet. Mostly because when I am mentally knackered for having to constantly push myself to do things, so when nothing is planned, everything just stops. I run out of ‘oomph’ to push through the pain and do something. As I sit here typing this, both my hands are sore (typing is taking forever), both my feet are sore, my right ankle is painfully swollen, my right shoulder hurts, and there is pain in my neck every so often. And, I am sitting down, and despite being sore, this is the most comfortable I have been all day. It is one of those days where the 12 steps in my house that I take to my bedroom, feel like a marathon.

I am working to lose some weight, as this should help my foot pain. I hope. But, because I struggle to get moving sometimes, exercising is very challenging. That is without my brain deciding that leaving the house is too much for the day. I am trying to do my best. I did get out today, visited my friend, despite my walking around like an 80 year old. And when I waited for my dinner to cook, I had a wee dance to some ska and oi music. It’s the wee things, I guess.

Painful

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I write on here a lot, about my mental health. How I deal with my anxiety and depression. It’s not the only health issues I have, though.

I have had muscular problems since I was at primary school. Nothing serious. But I would take my dog a walk, where she would pull on her lead, and my arm would ache, afterwards. I would get sore hands for carrying heavy school bags. I would go to the doctor, and like most things when you are a child or teenager, hormones were apparently to blame. I then worked in a bakery, as my first real job. Did it for about 4 years, and would have awful pains in my hands and elbows. At this point, the doctor’s diagnosis changed from ‘hormones’ to ‘tendonitis’. And they just gave me ‘prescription only’ strength Ibuprofen.

The pains never went away. But, I always got the impression I was an annoyance, so I stopped going to the doctor unless it became unbearable. I am also deeply aware that this is when my mental health became a big player. And my anxious brain tells me everything that I do, is a waste of time. So I would always talk myself out of calling for help. I would just manage it myself, with hot showers and baths, and buy off the shelf basic painkillers. Nothing would ‘take the pain away’ but it took the ‘heat’ off a bit.

As I have got older, the pain has got worse. A lot worse. Focusing around my feet, ankles, and hands. So, I was recommended by my work’s Occupational health department, to try again with the GP. I did, and I eventually got a referral to a rheumatologist, as rheumatoid arthritis is a big problem in my family. I finally felt I was getting somewhere. I had the initial appointment, with x-rays, scans, and a complete head-to-toe check. The rheumatologist believed that I definitely had signs of arthritis, as there was some deformation in my ankle, and concerns about my hands too. Great. He would get in contact for the next appointment.

Except, with COVID, I never heard anything. I phoned the rheumatology department, and no answer. I left messages, and no one got back. I called my GP, and they said my referral was still with the hospital. My anxious mind, once again gets involved, and lets me know that if it was really serious, they would help me. So, once again, I found myself really struggling to call up. So I found an email address for rheumatology, and I emailed them. Explained I had been trying to contact them, but had nothing. And it was they who were supposed to contact me. After 2 weeks I had a message left on my answering machine on my mobile phone. The message explained that because I had only had my first appointment, and no follow-ups. Too much time had lapsed. I had been referred back to my GP.

I was in my car. In the Tesco car park. Crying. Properly in bits. I felt like, after the best part of a year, I was back at square one. And things were getting worse. My shoulders have been agony for the last 7-8 weeks. I haven’t been able to sleep, and nothing seems enough to get referred again. I am exhausted.

Sometimes I think, because I work, because I try to push through it. I am treated as if my problems aren’t serious. My mental health is better when I work, as it is the only routine I can keep. And for a lot of my pains, being physical, actually loosens my sore joints, and helps with pain. Until I stop, and everything ceases up again. Sometimes it can take 25 minutes for me to get dressed, because my movement is so restricted because of the pain.

I barely have the energy to go to work. I struggle through my job. I am just very fortunate that my management, and the folk I work with, try to understand and help when I am having problems, be it mentally or physically.

I am at the point where I have tried 4 weeks before I was able to get a GPs appointment, and they just gave me stronger pain killers. She actually said to me ‘would you like a sick line, that might help you be seen quicker’. Why? Because your problem is thought of as serious when you are unable to work. How ridiculous does that sound?

Every day feels like a ‘no bones day’ or a day where I am running on half spoons. I am so exhausted all the time.

Oh, The Pain Of It All

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I get sore. Nothing really serious, but bad enough that it such an annoyance. I get sore bits, usually joints that get a bit stressy, and decide to swell up, just to punish me for thinking I could do something. Sounds a little bit melodramatic, but it is true.

For example, when I spend my first day at work for the week, I end up with a swollen, hard to walk on, ankle. It has always been some kind of issue, but I kind of made it worse. On my first day as a permanent associate at my work, just over 3 years ago, I fell down the stairs and landed really bad on my ankle. I had to go to the hospital, and had to take a week off to ‘rest’. Yes, I know, bet my work was glad they decided to keep me around, getting injured to celebrate a permanent job. But since then, my ankle has become weak. The doctor I spoke to at the time, said that I had seriously sprained the tendon up the back of my ankle, and that it would normally take between 9 months and a year to heal. That is if I worked an office job, sitting on my rear all day. I don’t. I work in a warehouse, where I am on my feet for 10 hours a shift. So… ankle probably never got the chance to heal. And now, I can sprain it really easy, and that first day back at work, as mentioned above, I end up hobbling about like an OAP.

It is frustrating, but not anything that I haven’t had before. When I worked in a shop, not long after I finished High School, I had a lot of pain in my hands and arms. The doctor, that time, felt it looked like tendonitis. Something which can be caused by ‘over use’, that causes the swelling in pain. I was given pain killers, and after some time off work, I just got on with things. When I was even younger I would have issues too, like when taking the family dog for a walk, she would pull at her lead (especially when she saw another dog) and I would have to hold on tight not to lose her. After the walk was done, I always felt a slight ache in my hand.

It is probably the wrong avenue to take, but I have always just got on with it. Tonight I have a sore left shoulder and a sore right ankle, and I have no idea how I am going to get any sleep tonight. It has become something that is an annoyance to me, something that I take a wee bit Ibuprofen the days its really sore, and just soldier on through the rest. Some days are worse than others. But I can deal. Which comes with another annoying thought. How can I put up with the physical pain, when I crumble at times with the mental pain I suffer?

It is just proof that not all pain is equal. The pain I get in after a day at work, is nothing compared to the utter hopelessness I can feel when I wake up in the morning. But in this world, physical pain is always the thing to be cured, mental pain is often ignored. And that is sad.

Exercise Is Evil

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Okay. I know exercise isn’t really evil, in fact I enjoy exercise a lot, something I have into on this blog before.

The truth is, I am sore. I am very sore. This is mostly because I pushed myself at the gym yesterday, and did a lot at work today. This means that I limped home at the end of the day, feeling a bit sorry for myself. And, a bit like how a person after a night out on the town, may curse the existence of alcohol, I am cursing the existence of the gym.

So, to make myself feel better, I had some chips for tea and a nice long +90 minute bath. I am still sore, but I feel relaxed, so it easier to deal with. There is a myth that when it comes to exercise, the school of thought ‘no pain, no gain’ is the way to go. But I don’t believe it is. When I first started exercising, I did a little research first, as I was a bit nervous about hurting myself. I have problems with my joints, in general, where if I, for example, lift something heavy, it can cause my hands and arms to hurt. Nothing, that some pain killers can’t fix, but it is annoying.

Anyway, I looked into the best ways to gradually ease myself into exercise. And one of the things that is widely promoted, is that if you push your muscles too far, they can tear and get damaged. This is what can happen when you feel pain after exercise. This is why it is important that you warm up, before you do any exercise. Whilst I usually do warm up, I feel like I did too much. I walked 5km on the treadmill and cycled 10k, which is over double what I usually do. And that, is what I think caused the pain. Now, at that point, when I was sore, I should have had a bath. But I didn’t. So I went to work today, did a lot of bending and lifting, and the pain got worse.

I’ll survive. And, now I’m just having a lazy night with Youtube and my bed.

Not as dirty as it sounds.

Things to do when you hurt your back. 

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Pulled my back at work, and it really hurts. So here’s a few things that I feel is essential when you suffer back pain. 

*Take some pain killers.

*Listen to a playlist of your favourite music. LOUDLY.

*Try and sit somewhere confortable.

*Or lie on the floor.

*Try and not lift anything too heavy.

*Sometimes a small stretch out can help sore muscles.

*Get into your favourite jammies, and watch your favourite TV shows.

*Take more painkillers.

*Don’t Google your symptoms.

*Try and not bitch at everyone. Because pain does make people grumpy. 

*If nothing works. Lie back and cry. Because you may find your emotions are all over the place and your brain can’t think straight.