Holiday yet?

July 27, 2015 ~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I can always tell when I have time off work coming off. And it isn’t just the feeling that I will be able to do what I want for a week or so. No! I know that I have a holiday coming up because I am so tetchy about EVERYTHING. There is nothing right now that won’t make me angry or upset.

I don’t know why I get like this. It may be because I can sense this time off work, but it isn’t here yet, which makes work unbearable. And then I just start to find other things unbearable too. The thing is, most of these annoyances aren’t going to vanish just because I am not attending work. The seagulls are going to angrily squawk and swoop every time I unknowlingly walk by a nest, TV is still going to be crap, and I am still going to be angry that I ate that packet of crisps instead of the apple. It’s not even like these things are anything that I should be letting effect me so much, they are all minor wee annoyances. It’s just sometimes, all those wee annoyances seem to pile up to make something bigger. Or maybe it’s just I have a short fuse right now.

At least I only have a few days and then freedom. Hopeful some time to clear out my personal space and get to relax my brain a little. That is certainly required right now. Some time out is always a good thing, because life can get a bit heavy sometimes.

Hello?

July 23, 2015 ~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Posting has stopped being such a priority. Nothing has taken the place of the many hours I used to spend on the Internet. I now check a few websites, and that’s about it.

It’s not that I am bored. It is more that I don’t know what to say. I am in a mental black hole right now, and I don’t know what to do about it. I used to be able to upload any anxieties to a blog post, and feel better. Now, I’ve had to many comments to stop, because all I do is complain. I have always used the Internet to vent, and I feel like that has been taken away. And I have always struggled talking to people, so I don’t know what to do.

Just feeling a bit lost.

Blue Monday

July 6, 2015 ~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

So I have been a little low recently. If you have read my blog before, then you’d know that I have had my struggles with depression. And whilst trying my best to function normally, i have been feeling a bit rubbish. I feel like a constant downer to people around me, so I just shut myself off for a bit. Just kept my head down.

It’s how I have learnt to deal with things. Just hide away till I feel a bit better. Because as crap as I may feel, it does get better. And that way, I don’t bring anyone else down. It gives me a sense of control in dealing with something I actually have no control over. Which sounds daft, but it makes sense to me.

Happy New Year

January 1, 2015 ~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

So another new year is upon us, an annual point for people to reflect on their lives and think of ways to make this next 12 months better than the last. A year is a significant period of time, and it is a unit of time, where a person can evaluate how they have done. And anything they didn’t do, they may want to create ‘resolutions’, to help them achieve what they want over the course of the next 12 months.

Of course, everyone should live their lives making today better than yesterday. Change can happen at any day, not just at New Year. Most people make resolutions fail, so a lot see it as a waste of time. I feel like people could fail if they don’t really ‘believe’ in what they are doing. When I was at school there was a bit of a pressure to invent a goal, to try and achieve something in the year. But if you didn’t really want to do what you said, there was no real push to do it. And I believe that this thing of ‘making resolutions’ that you don’t really want to, means people do fail. Some people see this year after year, and then call out resolutions as a waste of time. Which I guess could be true for some people.

Personally, other than writing a resolution when I was at Primary School, I have never been a fan of the whole ‘new year, new me’ stuff. It just seemed like a waste of time. But this year I am thinking slightly differently. 2014 was a bad mental health year for me. I struggled really badly with anxiety, and I reacted by shutting myself away from people. I refused to go on nights out because I didn’t want to be that person who drags a whole night down. So I didn’t bother going out. And then I hated myself for being so weak. It doesn’t sound like much, but I spent the best part of the year not liking myself. So, I am very relieved to shut the door on 2014, and look to make 2015 a bit better. And I have made some aims that I’d like to try for the year.

I’d like to work out a writing/vlogging/drawing routine and stick to them. I need to work on letting my frustrations out, so that they don’t wear me down, and i do that best by creating something. Food. I need a better relationship with food, and I need to stick to vegetarianism better. I don’t like the idea of something dying for me to eat it, but I like the taste. So I hope to find new tastes, that maybe fit my morals, and still taste good. I also would like to be more organised. I am very much a ‘throw everything on the floor’ kind of girl, and that means I lose everything. I can’t live with a messy kitchen, but my room can easily look like a bombs gone off. Learn how to love ‘me’. I am my own worst enemy and it needs to stop.

But that’s it. Just a few things that I feel would help me function better as the person I want to be. I have always had this idea of what I should be like, and I end up being down on myself on not being this hypothetical person. Which no one should be like towards themselves. But hey, enough with the negativity. Let’s lock that away with last year, and look ahead to a happier 2015.

I hope all my readers have an amazing 2015. And I wish you all the luck in the world for anything that you want to achieve.

Triggered

June 7, 2013 ~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

Recently, popular British entertainer, Stephen Fry mentioned during a podcast that he had tried to kill himself last year. The actor, writer and comedian suffers from bi-polar, and is president of mental health charity, Mind.

This is a brave thing for anyone to admit, and is proof that mental health issues aren’t restricted to any particular type of person. A big problem with mental illness is that it is not something that can be cured, or will simply go away. It is something that sufferers have to live with and adapt to. People who have never suffered from mental illness, will comment that a suicide attempt is ‘selfish’ or want to know the reasons behind it. All that this shows is a mis-understanding of mental health problems.

The admission of having problems, by Mr Fry, is something courageous and helpful to so many people. Sometimes, it is hard to picture yourself as a success, if you suffer from any mental illness, because it can be hard to predict how you are going to feel and act on any given day. So the idea that someone very successful in their chosen field whilst having a mental illness is very comforting.

What isn’t comforting is the negative commentary. People who have never suffered saying it is irresponsible to talk about suicide. But speaking about suicide is not a trigger to a lot of people. Speaking negatively and frowning upon it can be. As a person who has both self-harm and considered suicide, if I hear people telling that what I am feeling is wrong, I punish myself more. I don’t know why I feel what I feel, and I can’t explain it. So to have someone marking me down because they feel negatively towards me because I once tried to overdose (I passed out for a few hours). The feeling that I felt after waking up, will stay with me forever.

I think that anything that can bring mental health into a forum for discussion is great. I do think that people need to think about commenting negatively about such a topic, though. I know that if I read someone bad mouthing depression, it can trigger my own feelings. I believe the negative comments, that I have a lot in my life, why should I feel bad? In honesty what a person owns, has nothing to do with it. But I go through the tiring process of hating myself, because my depression and anxiety seems so falsified, because others have it so much worse than me. When I get in that frame of mind, I could cry, I could scratch myself raw or cut myself. Because it punishes me for being so privileged and having the stupidity to be depressed. I deserve to be punished for ‘choosing’ to be a burden.

In all honesty, if I had a way to choose the way I was, I assure you that I wouldn’t feel this. And that is what non-sufferers need to understand. It is not a choice, it is not based on anything in life, people suffer mental health issues, because it is an illness. There may be a chemical imbalance in their brain, or something scarred them as a kid, it could even be passed down from relatives. It could be anything, and can happen to anyone. As a person who sees negative commentary as triggers, I find those who demean Mr Fry’s admission as thoughtless cowards.

I know it is the internet, but it doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t hold a certain level of respect for one another.