Tag: mental disorder

A Little Peace

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Trying to find things to keep me calm. The worst thing about suffering from anxiety, is that feeling of utter panic that can rise from just about anything. The thing that I find most difficult is trying to get other people to understand. I went through a bad phase where I would have a panic attack if I didn’t have the right change for the bus. And it made it worse that people behind would complain, despite the bus drivers always being lovely. I don’t know what started me feeling that way, but it is something that could spiral pretty quickly out of control.

The best thing that I did, that helped, was try and find things that would help avoid the situations which panicked me. Like, the bus thing, I’d make sure I always had plenty of change in my purse whenever there was a possibility of me having to catch the bus. It helped. I felt in control with it. The same when shopping, particularly food shopping. I have mentioned my issues with food on here before, and I would get the wrong thing, which would end up with me freaking out. A lot of the time, I would just go home empty handed. And I tried to get round that, by writing up a list, be in it a notebook or on my phone. Thinking about what I needed before being in the store, actually took a lot of the pressure off. I felt like I could just pick up what I had planned, and even had a sense of achievement that I made it out with a load of shopping.

The two examples that I have given are things that have happened most frequently. For the vast majority of the issues that I had with my anxiety happen at random. So, I have to just find ways to try and cool myself down. Force my breathing, the way you have probably heard of. In through the nose, and out through the mouth. By slowing things down, it can sometimes allow your brain to start thinking a little bit, and stop the irrationality that comes with having a panic attack. I always carry my ipod in my bag. On it, there is a playlist of all my favourite songs. From Spice Girls to Cradle of Filth. The music that makes me feel good, and that can make a huge difference. The music distracts me from whatever is going on in my head. And then, when my mind isn’t so ‘racing all over the place’, I can take out my notepad, or my ever reliable phone, and just write stuff. It could be words, complete sentences, or even a rambling post on Tumblr. It helps. It makes me feel like I have let the thing frustrating me, go.

The thing is, that what calms one person down, is different from another person. If anyone is having any problems with anxiety or panic attacks, is to try and think of solutions. Try to have what relaxes you, with you at all times. The biggest solution that I have found is planning. A good plan, can ease many fears that your mind may try to conjure up.

When I was looking for help I went to Mind, whose website has a lot of information about mental health. The page I have linked, deals specifically with advice on dealing with anxiety. Hopefully, it helps someone else, like it helped me.

Depression Diaries: Finding My Voice

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

These last few months have seen my plans fall apart at the seams. Any attempt at trying to express what I truly felt has fallen flat. It’s like I am back 3/4 years, where I couldn’t see any way out. It’s like I could think about doing things, but I didn’t see the point in doing anything about it.

I have failed in everything I have ever wanted to do. And it is something which is the focus of my thoughts during every ‘downtime’ that I have. Times when I should be relaxing, whether it’s trying to watch TV, read a book or even just try to sleep. I hit a brick wall, as my mind won’t rest. Thoughts about every little thing that I could have said or did, that could have upset another person. I feel like the most idiotic person in the world. And that is all I can see, an idiot who really shouldn’t spend anytime with anyone, because she’d just waste their time, and upset them.

It’s never anything that anyone says or does, it’s not personal. People don’t need to do anything to set me off. I do it all myself. It is about the only thing I seem to do these days. Running to the toilets at work to cry, because I made a mistake. Having another sleepless night because my mistake causes work for someone else, and that makes me a failure. I cry to myself because I turn down night out after night out, because I don’t want to drag anyone else down. I don’t want to be responsible for bringing other people down.

People around me don’t know this. Because I don’t talk about it, because talking about it has always made me feel weak and uncomfortable. I stopped visiting doctors because there are people with real illnesses who need that appointment more than me. So, I sit and dwell, and for months and months, I haven’t been able to get any thoughts out of my head. And that makes me feel worse. It really is an awful cycle. And it is one that is so hard to get out of.

That’s why I am writing this, here. Over the years, this blog has held a lot of my thoughts and hopes on life in general. I felt that this would be a good place to be honest. To speak about how I feel, and how depression doesn’t just go away. It is an illness that can make someone feel so alone. When that happens, it is hard to try and confide in those around you. I thought that if I spoke honestly, maybe it would reach someone who felt like I do. Maybe it would help them, to see that they are not alone.

Need help? I recommend MIND who have helped me very recently.

Aches And Pains

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

When I tell people I haven’t been to the doctor in a long time, they question my intelligence. They don’t understand why a person wouldn’t want to get help. I try to explain why, and I feel stupid. I feel like a child who is not wanting to go to school because they have forgotten their homework. When, in reality, it is nothing like that.

Let me explain, last year I sprained my Achilles’ tendon, and was told it would take up to 3 months to heal. I hurt it going down the stairs at work, and within a day, it had swollen up like a golf ball. I went to the hospital, and advised of the recovery time mentioned above. After some research when I got home, I read that a quick recovery was based on an average person working in an office. I kind of banged my head off the wall at this. I work in a warehouse, and can be on my feet over 11 hours a day. So, it’s safe to say, my recovery hasn’t gone as quickly as I’d prefer. In fact, after a day of work, I am almost always limping about my house.

I should have really gone to the doctor after the initial 3 month period (start of the year). This is when another problem comes into the fray. I struggle with anxiety. I get panicked at what should be normal things, like getting on a bus. I over think things, and end up talking myself out of doing something. Going to the doctor is a prime example. I am in pain a lot, but I think that someone else is more deserving of the doctors time. I feel like I am a ‘bother’, and just annoy people around me.

Trying to explain anxiety to someone who hasn’t had it, is hard. It’s hard to explain what happens, because people want to know why. I wish I knew why I feel like I do. I get panicked about a situation, I don’t really know why, so I panic more.

There is a positive change. I have an appointment for the Doctors tomorrow. Sometime that I was encouraged to do by my work. I feel like I am falling apart, but also trying to get it in my head that asking for help isn’t the worst thing. It’s a constant battle in my head, it’s not nice.