Tag: life

New Year, New Me? 

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Maybe not. 

Not that there is anything wrong with trying to better yourself. I think that every new day is another opportunity the better yourself and make the day better than yesterday. It is good that people use the start of a new year, as a perfect way too try and set any plans in motion. And it is easy to see why so many people do it. 

Personally, I know that I have a high failure rate when I have made New Year’s resolutions previously. I will maybe do okay for a few days or, if lucky, a few weeks. But, then, I lose focus, slip up, lose all momentum, and then quit. It’s not because of the task itself, I think it’s because of the build up and putting myself under so much pressure to succeed. Add into the mix that I have quite a bad fear of failure, there is only one way things tend to go. 

So, I am trying to take one day at a time, rather than generalising the whole year. It makes things a bit easier for me to deal with, as the periods of time I try to make better, are a lot smaller. And, if I do slip up, it’s only one day. There is a new one tomorrow, and that one will be better. At least I hope that is the case. I have been trying to eat a bit healthier, and that is something that I find easier taking one day at a time. Mostly, because I try to plan a week in advance and I just go eat some crisps instead. 

I love the metaphor that the start of a new year is a start of a new book, I like to think that every day is a different page of that book. That helps me visualise where I am on a certain day, and the idea is of turning the page away from a bad day is soothing to me. I don’t know why. It does help my anxiety levels, as I feel more in control.

As long as people are trying to better themselves, any attempts should be applauded. Whatever the success rate. 

What day is it?

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I don’t really know. I always find it hard to keep track of the days over the festive period. Which can be a bit of a nightmare when you are working during that time.

Like, last week and this week I have only worked 2 days, instead of my usual 4, and that alone is enough to throw me off. It isn’t helped by the fact that a lot of the days are named, like tomorrow goes from being Thursday to being called New Year’s Eve, and Friday is New Year’s Day. And, I just get a bit lost in it all.

The truth is, that as the years seem to past faster as we get older, this mish-mash of the days just seems to add to that feeling. I guess the only reason years seem to go faster, is that each year we live, becomes less significant. I don’t mean that in a bad way. But if you are 16, each year is 1/16 of your life, which is more significant (percentage wise) than a 40 year old, where each year is 1/40 of someone’s life. Maybe, that’s why it feels like each year gets shorter, because we live more and more of them. 

I am aware that probably won’t make sense to anyone reading. But, after some pondering, it kind of made sense to me. 

Just Get On With It

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

I always try to a person who plods along, no matter what happens. If I feel a duty to get something done, I have to be dying for me not to at least attempt it. It’s how I have always been, since I was wee girl. Never excelled, but also never really gave up. I fail, but I bloody well try hard no matter what. 

Well, feeling under the weather, as I have, has put that ideal to the test. I have been working 6 days a week, in the run up to Christmas, making the best of the opportunity and all that. Which is great, it will pay for a fair bit of Christmas. But it is so hard to do when you are not quite 100%. My temper is short, I am a walking snot factory, and I constantly want to be wrapped up watching Netflix. But the show must go on.

I go to work and do my best. Which isn’t terrible, I can get my work done in an above average speed and accuracy, so it’s okay. But my fuse is short. I bite at people for no reason. It just means I spend half the day nipping at folk, and the other half appologising for it. It annoys me because I am such a patient person normally. 

I can’t wait till this cold/cough thing finally goes away, and I can be myself again. In the meantime, I just need to keep making sure I am doing the best I can. Keep myself right. 

I hope anyone else going through the ‘winter cold bug’ gets rid of it quickly. Nobody wants to be sick at this time of year. 

Happy Blogmas

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

It is the first of December, which is giving me a reason to try a new challenge. And that is to try and blog every day in the run up to Christmas. 

This is a thing which has been occurring online for the last several years, with both bloggers and vloggers (video bloggers) taking on the challenge to create new content every day in the run up to Christmas. Everyone who I’ve spoken to, seems to have enjoyed taking part in the challenge previously, so I thought I’d give it a shot. 

Why?

Well, when I look back at 2015, I don’t feel that I have achieved too much. It feels like just another year where I have become overpowered with lack of inspiration and motivation. It’s been a bit of a damp squib, if I were to be completely honest. So, I thought that rather than just complain about failing ‘everything’, that I would give 2015 an opportunity to go out on a high note. 

I have struggled all year with writing, drawing, everything. And that really gets me down. But, I am still here, and up for turning things around.

So, wish me luck. 

Disconnection Notice

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

It has recently been made abundantly clear that my, once passionate, love affair with the internet is going through a rough patch. I am becoming frequently frustrated to the point of putting my phone’s internet off, so that people can call me if they need me, but I don’t get interrupted by the constant Facebook and Twitter updates.

Yes, I am at that stage where I am avoiding the other party of the ‘relationship’. Normally in that situation, you would change how you walk to work, or try and hang out with different people. Try and create some space between yourself and the other person. However, when your relationship is with such a thing as the internet, it isn’t that easy. Actually, it becomes so overly dramatic that a relationship with a real person would have probably been easier to deal with.

I mean, everyone has been in ‘that’ relationship, where despite loving that person, everything they do winds you up the wrong way. Where you just want smack them on the head, and you can’t really tell them why. So, you try and put some space between you both. However, saying you ‘have a sore head’ doesn’t stop the internet. It is everywhere. Everything from restaurants to tampon companies have their own twitter handles. If you liked one craft page 2 years ago on Facebook, the site recommends events near you every 2-3 days. Sometimes I feel smothered.

But that’s not even the worst bit. When I was at my lowest point, the internet came to the rescue. It showed me that I was not alone in feeling so rejected all the time, that I could voice how I feel, and all seemed awesome. But, obviously, fairy tales don’t actually exist, and reality happened. When I say reality, I mean people who like to spread hatred from behind vague avatars. This was a nasty streak in the internet that I never foresaw. It wouldn’t happen to me, we are so happy together. But it did.

Now, a person’s nasty streak is easy to deal with. You can utter sarky retorts to their insults, or you just walk away. Yes, what they say hurt may leave a mark, but you can leave that one person. The internet isn’t a singularity, so dealing with any negativity from it, is a bit harder. If someone has taken to ‘troll’ something you have created, it normally isn’t just one person. And you also may find these trolls are a bit braver than what they would be in the real world, which means more cutting comments. I did what any sane person would do, I decided I needed time apart from the internet. I stopped going onto forums and writing blogs as often, as these places are where the negativity came from. Good? Kind of. When I did log on, I saw a lot of hate and the spread of intolerance. This is not the internet I had loved and used so heavily.

Who are you these days, dear internet? You are no longer the place that I go when things get to stressful. After allowing me to feel free, after so long hating who I am, you are now lampooning me for being that same person. A normal person would at least be able to explain their actions. And, as an adult, I wouldn’t need to rely on a person for EVERYTHING. My job exists because of the internet. I get my music and TV over the internet. I contact friends around the world on the internet.

Maybe I just need to change my relationship with the internet? Or maybe get in a relationship with a real life actual person?

Or not.

 

Let It Go!

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I have a problem.

And that problem is hoarding things. It is not having the ability to let go of stuff when I don’t use them anymore. A lot of the time things might not even get used that much, even at all. And it is terrible. It is a waste of money, but that doesn’t seem to matter. Being in my early 30s, I don’t think unnecessary purchases and hoarding them is unusual. When I speak to people my age about this, they have similar experiences as me.

There has been much said about the single, childless 30-somethings who find themselves clinging to inanimate objects like a consumerists wet dream. For me, my guilt is stationary. I always say that I am going to get myself organised and get my life to the stage where I am satisified. Not that I am dissatisfied with my life too much, more that life has never reached the high expectations that I had when I was younger. I guess that is one of the issues about growing older, but I can’t help feeling a little crestfallen.

I don’t know where my hoarding started, it is just something that seems to have happened over the years. It is trying to figure it what you do, when you realise that your purchasing habits are not the best they could be. How do you change it?

I suppose that it is like every other behaviour, to change it takes time. Due to rearranging a few things, I am attempting to downsize what I own, and it is proving quite hard. It feels like I buy stuff so that I have something to show for all the hard work I have done over the years. Which is silly, because books, DVDs, video games, they don’t matter, really. They are material things that make a person feel better for a while. But that feeling of joy that we get when we buy something is temporary, and because I have had issues with depression, I find that I cling to things that have made me feel better.

When you think like that, is it even possible to completely change a habit so significantly? It’s not even simply behaving different, it is changing how you react, how you deal with life. It almost seems so big, I don’t even know where to start on it.

Ball Of Sunshine

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I am happy.

For the first time in a long time, I am enjoying a period where I am experiencing a few more ups than downs. It is great, and not something I am used to. I am singing and laughing every day, instead of moping and crying. It is rather freeing being upbeat, it is like I am bouncing around without a care in the world. Nothing is getting to me, and it is a strange feeling.

The issue is. When you build your whole ‘internet life’ on helping you de-stress, what do you do when you don’t need to? I don’t feel the need to rant about things that have went wrong, because for some reason it doesn’t seem to be bothering me. Talking about it, may end up jinxing it all, but I feel that I should try to talk about it. No matter how much of a struggle it is, just because I want this blog to show an honest portrayal of me, and I need to show that people with depression and anxiety do have periods of happiness. It may not happen often, but it does happen.

So where did this feeling of happiness come from?

Recently I have been doing a job that I enjoy at work. I feel like I have a purpose. I feel like I can share my experience of the last few years in the business helping those less experienced. I am also taking an engineering course through a collaboration between my work and a local college, which is interesting. And then I have signed up for a Creative Coding class, through FutureLearn, which also looks exciting. It is the most ‘forward thinking’ I have been in a long time, and the way I am feeling shows that. Nothing may come of all that is going on, but my mental health is glad for the break. So forgive me, as I revel in being genuinely happy.

Up With The Birds

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Sunday is usually my lazy day, where the most strenuous thing that I do is get the bus into Town for a coffee. There is nothing wrong with this, but things played out a little different today. I was up early to do housework, eat (of course) and dye my hair. I have even got round to writing up a list of blog ideas. It’s made me realise that I need to do this more often with my days off. Like, actually get up and make the most of the day.

The best thing about having a day off, should be being able to do what you want, rather than having to have the restrictions that work can bring. It is freeing knowing that you can do what you want, and get something productive from a day off. Unfortunately, I often am very lazy and can easily spend half a day in bed. But what happens there is that because you don’t use much energy, you don’t tend to have much energy to get moving at all. I think it is one of those things where you have more drive, the more that you actually do.

Now, I am not saying that you can’t have a ‘lie in’ every now and then, because nothing is better than not having to get up for an alarm. But, if you have things to do, getting up reasonably early is a great way to get the motivation to achieve your goals for the day.

Forever A Child

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

I feel that I am in a state of permanent childishness. Despite getting older, I have never grown out of my fondness for cartoons, soft toys and comic books. I get told frequently, that this is not something so unusual these days. As those adults who grew up in the 80s and 90s are very likely to be overly nostalgic as the realities of adulthood seems to crush their once high hopes for life. That is not supposed to come across as depressing as it sounds, but it is true. Thinking about it, this is probably something that every person goes through as they leave the security of adolescence. It’s just ‘these days’, society seems to pander more to our wishes to be back in a time where life wasn’t quite so difficult.

I say this as an adult sitting on a Hello Kitty bed spread surrounded by Disney and My Little Pony plushes, listening to the soundtrack from Tangled. It makes me feel content, which considering I had a panic attack buying a newspaper the other day, isn’t something that I am willing to ignore. I get so easily stressed out by normal situations, it’s not hard to imagine gaining comfort from childish things.

When I look back at myself as a kid, I was myself. I did what I wanted, dressed the way I wanted, I was happy. Playing kerby out in the street or playing ‘Cuppy’ in the field next to my house. I was always busy, always outside running around. As I got older, kids got a bit cruel. I always remember my mum saying that I was ‘built like a rugby player’ when I was wee, cause I was so stocky. And that never changed, but it’s not very cool looking like that as teenager. And it so happened that there was a few people who would bully me when no one was looking. Like walking home from school alone, or if I had a class without any friends. And it shook my confidence. It took me a long time that what happened at school was bullying, in my head it was just stupid people. Which was okay, but those stupid people really chipped away at my confidence. And I haven’t really been able to re-gain it since. Which sounds sad, but situations in workplaces, like what happened at school, occured and just continued to make things worse.

It seems that my brain is looking for the things that make me feel happier again, to help me deal with failing at being an adult. I feel bad about work, it’s okay, Ocarina of Time a is on my 3DS so I’ll play that for a bit. It’s not a way of avoiding things, as some may think, it’s a buffer. It is there to make me feel better when I feel a bit worn down by life. And as coping mechanisms go, I think that watching Adventure Time or singing to 90s boyband songs is no bad thing. It does suck when I think that my childhood was really the last time I was secure about everything I was. But that’s why I’ll never give up trying to better myself, and find ways round these roadblocks my brain likes to put around me.

Like A Rubber Ball…

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I’m back again. So sorry for the lack of posts over the last week or so. It seems my excitement over getting better, was a little bit misjudged, as I felt pretty bad last week. I can deal with being sick, but when I couldn’t keep my dinner down because of coughing? No no no no no, I have no time for that. I like my food, and hate to give it up. Think of me, like Joey from Friends. I don’t share food, and really hate giving it up. For anything. Even being sick. 

I am feeling better, coughing is still there, but nowhere near as all-conquering as it has been. And because I can talk in sentances without trying to cough up a lung, yesterday I recorded a video. I was planning on editing and uploading it instead, but I fell asleep in the bath. Don’t judge me. I am still ‘healing’. I have the doctors tomorrow, so should be home early, and will get the video edited then. That’s the plan anyway. 

Anyway, hope anyone reading this is doing well. And I hope that you haven’t been caught up by the bugs and viruses that seem to be everywhere.