Tag: life

Disconnection Notice

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

It has recently been made abundantly clear that my, once passionate, love affair with the internet is going through a rough patch. I am becoming frequently frustrated to the point of putting my phone’s internet off, so that people can call me if they need me, but I don’t get interrupted by the constant Facebook and Twitter updates.

Yes, I am at that stage where I am avoiding the other party of the ‘relationship’. Normally in that situation, you would change how you walk to work, or try and hang out with different people. Try and create some space between yourself and the other person. However, when your relationship is with such a thing as the internet, it isn’t that easy. Actually, it becomes so overly dramatic that a relationship with a real person would have probably been easier to deal with.

I mean, everyone has been in ‘that’ relationship, where despite loving that person, everything they do winds you up the wrong way. Where you just want smack them on the head, and you can’t really tell them why. So, you try and put some space between you both. However, saying you ‘have a sore head’ doesn’t stop the internet. It is everywhere. Everything from restaurants to tampon companies have their own twitter handles. If you liked one craft page 2 years ago on Facebook, the site recommends events near you every 2-3 days. Sometimes I feel smothered.

But that’s not even the worst bit. When I was at my lowest point, the internet came to the rescue. It showed me that I was not alone in feeling so rejected all the time, that I could voice how I feel, and all seemed awesome. But, obviously, fairy tales don’t actually exist, and reality happened. When I say reality, I mean people who like to spread hatred from behind vague avatars. This was a nasty streak in the internet that I never foresaw. It wouldn’t happen to me, we are so happy together. But it did.

Now, a person’s nasty streak is easy to deal with. You can utter sarky retorts to their insults, or you just walk away. Yes, what they say hurt may leave a mark, but you can leave that one person. The internet isn’t a singularity, so dealing with any negativity from it, is a bit harder. If someone has taken to ‘troll’ something you have created, it normally isn’t just one person. And you also may find these trolls are a bit braver than what they would be in the real world, which means more cutting comments. I did what any sane person would do, I decided I needed time apart from the internet. I stopped going onto forums and writing blogs as often, as these places are where the negativity came from. Good? Kind of. When I did log on, I saw a lot of hate and the spread of intolerance. This is not the internet I had loved and used so heavily.

Who are you these days, dear internet? You are no longer the place that I go when things get to stressful. After allowing me to feel free, after so long hating who I am, you are now lampooning me for being that same person. A normal person would at least be able to explain their actions. And, as an adult, I wouldn’t need to rely on a person for EVERYTHING. My job exists because of the internet. I get my music and TV over the internet. I contact friends around the world on the internet.

Maybe I just need to change my relationship with the internet? Or maybe get in a relationship with a real life actual person?

Or not.

 

Let It Go!

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I have a problem.

And that problem is hoarding things. It is not having the ability to let go of stuff when I don’t use them anymore. A lot of the time things might not even get used that much, even at all. And it is terrible. It is a waste of money, but that doesn’t seem to matter. Being in my early 30s, I don’t think unnecessary purchases and hoarding them is unusual. When I speak to people my age about this, they have similar experiences as me.

There has been much said about the single, childless 30-somethings who find themselves clinging to inanimate objects like a consumerists wet dream. For me, my guilt is stationary. I always say that I am going to get myself organised and get my life to the stage where I am satisified. Not that I am dissatisfied with my life too much, more that life has never reached the high expectations that I had when I was younger. I guess that is one of the issues about growing older, but I can’t help feeling a little crestfallen.

I don’t know where my hoarding started, it is just something that seems to have happened over the years. It is trying to figure it what you do, when you realise that your purchasing habits are not the best they could be. How do you change it?

I suppose that it is like every other behaviour, to change it takes time. Due to rearranging a few things, I am attempting to downsize what I own, and it is proving quite hard. It feels like I buy stuff so that I have something to show for all the hard work I have done over the years. Which is silly, because books, DVDs, video games, they don’t matter, really. They are material things that make a person feel better for a while. But that feeling of joy that we get when we buy something is temporary, and because I have had issues with depression, I find that I cling to things that have made me feel better.

When you think like that, is it even possible to completely change a habit so significantly? It’s not even simply behaving different, it is changing how you react, how you deal with life. It almost seems so big, I don’t even know where to start on it.

Ball Of Sunshine

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I am happy.

For the first time in a long time, I am enjoying a period where I am experiencing a few more ups than downs. It is great, and not something I am used to. I am singing and laughing every day, instead of moping and crying. It is rather freeing being upbeat, it is like I am bouncing around without a care in the world. Nothing is getting to me, and it is a strange feeling.

The issue is. When you build your whole ‘internet life’ on helping you de-stress, what do you do when you don’t need to? I don’t feel the need to rant about things that have went wrong, because for some reason it doesn’t seem to be bothering me. Talking about it, may end up jinxing it all, but I feel that I should try to talk about it. No matter how much of a struggle it is, just because I want this blog to show an honest portrayal of me, and I need to show that people with depression and anxiety do have periods of happiness. It may not happen often, but it does happen.

So where did this feeling of happiness come from?

Recently I have been doing a job that I enjoy at work. I feel like I have a purpose. I feel like I can share my experience of the last few years in the business helping those less experienced. I am also taking an engineering course through a collaboration between my work and a local college, which is interesting. And then I have signed up for a Creative Coding class, through FutureLearn, which also looks exciting. It is the most ‘forward thinking’ I have been in a long time, and the way I am feeling shows that. Nothing may come of all that is going on, but my mental health is glad for the break. So forgive me, as I revel in being genuinely happy.

Up With The Birds

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Sunday is usually my lazy day, where the most strenuous thing that I do is get the bus into Town for a coffee. There is nothing wrong with this, but things played out a little different today. I was up early to do housework, eat (of course) and dye my hair. I have even got round to writing up a list of blog ideas. It’s made me realise that I need to do this more often with my days off. Like, actually get up and make the most of the day.

The best thing about having a day off, should be being able to do what you want, rather than having to have the restrictions that work can bring. It is freeing knowing that you can do what you want, and get something productive from a day off. Unfortunately, I often am very lazy and can easily spend half a day in bed. But what happens there is that because you don’t use much energy, you don’t tend to have much energy to get moving at all. I think it is one of those things where you have more drive, the more that you actually do.

Now, I am not saying that you can’t have a ‘lie in’ every now and then, because nothing is better than not having to get up for an alarm. But, if you have things to do, getting up reasonably early is a great way to get the motivation to achieve your goals for the day.

Forever A Child

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

I feel that I am in a state of permanent childishness. Despite getting older, I have never grown out of my fondness for cartoons, soft toys and comic books. I get told frequently, that this is not something so unusual these days. As those adults who grew up in the 80s and 90s are very likely to be overly nostalgic as the realities of adulthood seems to crush their once high hopes for life. That is not supposed to come across as depressing as it sounds, but it is true. Thinking about it, this is probably something that every person goes through as they leave the security of adolescence. It’s just ‘these days’, society seems to pander more to our wishes to be back in a time where life wasn’t quite so difficult.

I say this as an adult sitting on a Hello Kitty bed spread surrounded by Disney and My Little Pony plushes, listening to the soundtrack from Tangled. It makes me feel content, which considering I had a panic attack buying a newspaper the other day, isn’t something that I am willing to ignore. I get so easily stressed out by normal situations, it’s not hard to imagine gaining comfort from childish things.

When I look back at myself as a kid, I was myself. I did what I wanted, dressed the way I wanted, I was happy. Playing kerby out in the street or playing ‘Cuppy’ in the field next to my house. I was always busy, always outside running around. As I got older, kids got a bit cruel. I always remember my mum saying that I was ‘built like a rugby player’ when I was wee, cause I was so stocky. And that never changed, but it’s not very cool looking like that as teenager. And it so happened that there was a few people who would bully me when no one was looking. Like walking home from school alone, or if I had a class without any friends. And it shook my confidence. It took me a long time that what happened at school was bullying, in my head it was just stupid people. Which was okay, but those stupid people really chipped away at my confidence. And I haven’t really been able to re-gain it since. Which sounds sad, but situations in workplaces, like what happened at school, occured and just continued to make things worse.

It seems that my brain is looking for the things that make me feel happier again, to help me deal with failing at being an adult. I feel bad about work, it’s okay, Ocarina of Time a is on my 3DS so I’ll play that for a bit. It’s not a way of avoiding things, as some may think, it’s a buffer. It is there to make me feel better when I feel a bit worn down by life. And as coping mechanisms go, I think that watching Adventure Time or singing to 90s boyband songs is no bad thing. It does suck when I think that my childhood was really the last time I was secure about everything I was. But that’s why I’ll never give up trying to better myself, and find ways round these roadblocks my brain likes to put around me.

Like A Rubber Ball…

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I’m back again. So sorry for the lack of posts over the last week or so. It seems my excitement over getting better, was a little bit misjudged, as I felt pretty bad last week. I can deal with being sick, but when I couldn’t keep my dinner down because of coughing? No no no no no, I have no time for that. I like my food, and hate to give it up. Think of me, like Joey from Friends. I don’t share food, and really hate giving it up. For anything. Even being sick. 

I am feeling better, coughing is still there, but nowhere near as all-conquering as it has been. And because I can talk in sentances without trying to cough up a lung, yesterday I recorded a video. I was planning on editing and uploading it instead, but I fell asleep in the bath. Don’t judge me. I am still ‘healing’. I have the doctors tomorrow, so should be home early, and will get the video edited then. That’s the plan anyway. 

Anyway, hope anyone reading this is doing well. And I hope that you haven’t been caught up by the bugs and viruses that seem to be everywhere. 

Tired (BEDA)

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Sometimes I get tired. Tired of all the effort that has to be put in to make life bearable. It doesn’t happen all the time, just once in a while. I do that thing where I lie in bed and wonder what would happen if I wasn’t there anymore. Like would people give a shit?

I have talked it over with friends, and am assured that I am not the only one who thinks like that sometimes. It happens when it feels like life has come to a dead end. That no one calls or does anything with you, so they wouldn’t miss me if I just disappeared. And how easy would that make any problems? Just run away and forget about them. 

But then, isn’t the point of life dealing with challenges and choosing different routes through life? It is easy to get to the point where you can’t be bothered, but true strength is carrying on through those feelings. And sometimes, something will happen that makes you feel valid and a good person. Those times are what should drive us. Helps us say to ourselves ‘well, life is shit, but look at all the stuff I did’.  

Maybe you need to feel tired, just so you know when your awake. 

Working Life

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I always remember being told when I was younger that it was ‘better to work to live, rather than live to work’. As if to say that a job isn’t the ‘be all and end all’. And that working is just one small part of our lives. 

But in reality, I have never found it so straight forward. 

That job which takes up a ‘small part of our lives’ actually takes up a lot of hour time. In fact other than sleeping, I would say that work is what people spend most of their time doing. But that job is only there so that we can afford the life we want. Because you spend so much time at work, it is essential that you should find joy from it, or at least part of it. Whether it’s the actual job you do or the people you work with that makes you get up in the morning, it’s important that there is something. It helps work become more bearable. 

Everyone has had that one job they hated. Where there was no joy, and work seemed to be all that you could focus on. Sometimes it happens, whether it a crappy medial job, or your dream job.  Where work becomes stressful and your focus seems to be on what is making you stressed. And that makes things seem so much work. It’s times like this, that you need a bit of scope. You need to take a step back, and realise that work isn’t everything. Your life is not just work. And if it is, maybe you need to invest some time in you. Go out for a movie, or have a pamper session. Make you feel special.

For a long time, in a previous job, all I worried about was my work. It wasn’t that my job was hard, I just got real anxiety about it. And it brought me so far down, and at that point it seemed everything in my life was about work. I couldn’t switch off at the end of the day, and that made me so stressed. I work somewhere else now, and my attitude is so different. I work there, so that I can go out with friends and buy what I want. I finish work for the weekend, and I can just relax for a few days. And I am so much more relaxed and happy. 

Whether you love or hate your job, you have to be able to ‘switch off’ when you aren’t working. If you can’t relax a little, work could become a bigger issue than it really is. The most important thing to remember is to look after you. Make sure you see the benifits of all your hard work. Because you deserve it.

——-

**Sorry this is a ramble, again. I am still not 100%. I haven’t been sleeping and have an awful cough. Here’s hoping it goes away soon**

Hard Done By

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Sometimes people get different opportunities to you. Be it at work or school, if someone gets to do something you’ve had your eye on, it can be hard to accept. It can sometimes feel like you are getting overlooked and certain people are being favoured. We all know the type of person who sucks up to teachers and managers with an aim to get what they want. The people who act best pals with those higher than them, because they think it gives them opportunities. 

I have been thinking about this recently, most because I feel overlooked at work. And when I know I am working hard, it can be difficult to acknowledge that I am not good enough for something. It seems to make it even harder to acknowledge when someone else seems to get everything I am looking for. It just makes me feel sorry for myself, because I am not getting the opertunity to do what I want. And it seems to make work a drag, as I feel under appreciated. And this person, getting what I want, doesn’t seem to be doing anything different to me. So I assume it has to be favouritism that has got this person to where they are. A sense that most people will feel at some time of their lives, usually where there is competition for roles. 

I was working away one day, and was thinking about ‘favouritism’ at work. It is highly likely that it is not a thing that is actually happening, just something in my mind. Because I feel I am working hard I feel I deserve recognition. It’s almost as if someone is getting to do what I want, there must be a reason for it. It’s like my brain won’t accept that I am not suited to a role or that someone else may be better at it than me. I always seem to take things too personal, and think it’s just because a person is friendly with a manager.

This makes me feel guilty, because I don’t want to feel against someone who is just doing their job well. Maybe all I need to do is change the goals I see in front of me. If I can’t get what I want, I should change what I wan to something more achievable for me. And I guess that’s my advice for anyone who ever finds themselves in that situation. You spend a large portion of your life in school or work, and it is a lot of time if you spend your time feeling sorry for yourself because of what others are doing. 

Saying Nothing

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Sometimes it’s hard to find something to say. There are thoughts flying around in your head, but nothing you want to share outloud.  In a world where every inch of life is shared on the Internet, how do you make the decision on what is important enough to ‘make the cut’ onto Facebook or Tumblr? What thoughts are important enough to be made public knowledge? 

Personally, I know that my brain doesn’t stop, and my thoughts can become quite a mess to muddle through at times. And as a person who likes to write about their feelings, it can become particularly annoying to know what is good content and what is just rubbish. I know that a lot of what I talk about on here may seem like rubbish to many, but it is therapeutic. It helps me to carry on with my day-to-day life, I can focus easier when all the bumpf is out of my head. 

But that’s it, what I share, the bumpf, is just thoughts and musing that I have. I don’t really like being to honest about actual details of my life online, because it’s private. And because when it gets down to the details, it usually involves other people. And that’s the thing about sharing details, sometimes they aren’t just yours to share. But your thoughts, they belong to you. You formulated them at some point, and they, unlike actual life details, wholly belong to you. So, I find it easier to share thoughts. I write them down, then I can select what I want to write down. That way, my blogs and social media aren’t swamped with the ‘poor me’ that usually takes up my mind.

I think a lot of people, particularly on Facebook, share every little detail. And whilst seeing tidbits of people’s life is cool, i don’t need to see arguments with the neighbour down the road because they pissed you off the other day. Too many people have huge family fall outs because of rubbish someone posts on Facebook. I just don’t understand why anyone wants to display such information online. Maybe it’s because I have always used social media to help myself personally, not to gossip or start fights. And I do think there is a distinction, although some might not.