Tag: life

Lone Ranger

~ Sue ~ 3 Comments

I like my own company. I go for lunch myself, I spend entire days were I don’t really speak to anyone else. It’s good for my mental health a lot of the time, because I can focus on what suits me. But sometimes, you need other people. You need someone to vent to as you fail at something for what feels like the hundredth time.

The problem is, that if people think you are used to being on your own, and pulling yourself through whatever shit life throws at you, they leave you alone. People assume that you are the way you are, because you want to be like that. That you don’t need help. Everything that I do, is something I do to help me cope. I listen to music loud on the bus, because I can panic when I am around that many people I don’t know. I do stuff that occupies my brain, as it stops me from thinking too much.

The more you spend on your own, the harder it gets to speak to people about problems. No one person can do everything on their own. It’s great being independent, but don’t be afraid to ask up. People may assume you are ‘fine’, the only way they’d know you aren’t, is if you tell them.

Messy (Daily Prompt)

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Never has a word fitted me more than the word, messy.

Messy is my head. Messy is my bed. Messy is my life.

Nothing ever seems to be in any order. And usually when I try to organise ‘things’ into some kind of order, I make things worse. Now, I know, that people say that things tend to get worse before they get better. But that doesn’t really help. Not when I find myself struggling to function without changing things. It’s almost like those old cartoons where a leak comes in, and by trying to stop it, another starts, and then another. It doesn’t take much for things to fall apart. After all, one person can only do so much.

I have too many things jammed in my closet. But to clear out the closet, every item, every bad decision, every failure has to come to the fore. Every thing begs for attention, and when you have been papering over the cracks, those things can make those cracks start to crumble away. Within an instant, it can feel like those battles you have been fighting, for most of your life, are lost all at once. It is insanely difficult to recover from that.

via Daily Prompt: Mess

Not As Bad As It Looks

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

When you read articles which help you plan ahead for a successful future, they are very good at telling you hope for the best. That things are going be great, no matter what. Which is nice, hopeful, and a good thing to work towards. Obviously, as people get older, what makes them happy, doesn’t stay the same. And depending on what people go through, it can also be hard to settle on anything happy.

When I studied, back when I was younger, I had varying amounts of success. At the earlier years at school, those first exams, it was fairly straightforward, I studied and I got results. It was awesome. But over time, I found that I was getting dis-interested. I didn’t do completely bad, but it felt so much harder to sit down and work on what I needed to. Eventually, I just think I felt apathy towards all education. I forced myself to try and further my education and find that elusive ‘better life’, I had read about. It made everything so much harder, and when the results weren’t matching the effort I put in, I started to feel really discouraged. It has left me with a mindset, where I am set up to fail.

I work hard, but recently, it has become clear that if I want to get in a better paying job, I need to do something other than just work. So, I had think, about what I am interested in, and what field is always in need of workers. So, I signed up for a course with the Open University, which is in IT and Computing. And it is very interesting, and I am enjoying it. However, the last module I did, contained coding for creating programs, and I felt the mindset set in, as well as utter panic. I felt a little lost, and I panicked, because I was challenged, I assumed I was going to fail. The panic was bad, that I struggled to complete some of the questions that I needed to answer. I assumed that meant that everything was over. It wasn’t. I got my result back today, and out of a possible 90, I got 78, I only dropped 12 marks, which was such a shock.

It’s made me realise that a lot of what you experience, does have a lasting effect on you. I was so surprised to have done so much better than expected, and it was a nice surprise. Maybe, it would be better to try and live in the moment, and not mentally jumping 10 steps ahead. But, that is a major issue with my anxiety, but the more I realise it happening, the more I can try to change things.

January Fail

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Well, it’s like I have blinked and the first month of 2018 is over. Already. And, it already has been a crap fest. Mostly feeling run down, but it leads to everything being a struggle. Work, socialising, studying… everything seems like it has taken so much extra effort. Effort, that I don’t really have the energy for.

But it’s done with. So I shall close the first chapter of 2018, and try to get on with the rest of the year. Which is starting well, as it is taking longer than normal to write this, as I appear to have made one of my main objectives of February to cough up a lung. Lovely stuff.

One of the things I need to do is redo this blog a bit. I think that a lot of the information is out of date, and it’s just looking a bit stale. I am planning to try and get started on this over the weekend, alongside studying. As, I doubt I shall be adventuring very far till this cough goes away.

Something Different

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When it comes to trying to get things done, I seem to get so far, and then stop. Not on purpose. My attention starts to wain, and I end up just leaving whatever project alone, in a drawer and do everything I can to avoid looking at it.

I read a news paper article a while ago, where it spoke about focusing on actions that work for you. It sounds a little silly, but because everyone is different, it’s not too hard to assume that not every path works for everybody. I am going to use studying as an example. Some people learn by reading, some by listening, some take notes, and some draw diagrams. There are so many different ways to learn, and although the ‘taking notes’ option is the recommended by educators, it may not work for you. It doesn’t work for me. I do better if i read stuff out loud, and try and doodle wee diagrams about what I read. And, when I read back it always seems easy to understand.

As mentioned in my last post, I have joined weight watchers to try and lose weight. Previously, I have always used other people and their comments about me, to push me to change. But, someone mentioned in the weight watchers community, that a person should want to get healthy for themselves, and because they love their body. It sounds odd, but it is a concept so foreign to me, it might work.

Blogmas Day 2: Panic Stations

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

I think I jinxed it.

Yesterday I posted about being happy, so like clockwork, today kind of went a bit wrong. I had major anxiety in doing an induction at my work. This mean I almost freaked out, and had a meltdown, in front a big group of new starts. I managed to try and chill out, without bursting into tear in the middle of the session.

It was like welcome to your new job, now your instructor is going to freak out over nothing. The thing is, that it is very embarrassing. Even more, when I have a job, such as training people. It’s like ‘hey new people, sorry I sound strange, I’m trying not to completely freak out, but I promise this job isn’t too bad’. People I speak to always seem sympathetic, but I always get the sense that they kind of feel I am exaggerating. Which is not nice.

The good news is, that despite feeling agitated for a few hours, i focused on my job, and didn’t cry till I was alone. Also, I then continued with what i needed to do. It’s one of those things, that if i have the energy and will power to continue on, like I often don’t, then I feel better, naturally, because my brain is focusing on something else.

I didn’t let the small blip ruin my day, which is how I know I am in a much better place than I was previously.

(No) Good Times

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

I am dealing with a few issues at the moment. Issues I don’t even want to think about, let alone try to discuss them. It is almost as if ignoring something, will make it disappear. In my 33 years on this planet, you’d think I would have learnt, that’s not how things work. Doesn’t seem to stop me from trying to forget things happening.

I am trying though. I am trying to act like an adult, and do the ‘right thing’. The problem is, that the ‘right thing’ is never a clear decision, there is no road map pointing you in the right direction. You have to make the choice all by yourself, but it isn’t easy. The ‘right thing’ for me, is to try and work overtime because I have a lot of money to pay towards things. Things like bills, which nobody likes, but everyone has to pay.

I think, in the past, I found it really easy to blame my mental health. I get bad anxiety, so I am not paying my bills, is not a good excuse. Unfortunately, that is how I felt. Buying things made me feel better, but ultimately something else would be missed, and I’d feel worse again. And when you get into one of these cycles, life can get very hard, very fast. It becomes very easy to get overwhelmed, and when that happens I ‘lock myself off’. I don’t tell anyone anything, I ignore things that I shouldn’t, and just want to hide away from the world. As if the bad stuff will just disappear.

Recently, my mind has been going to places that it hasn’t been to in a few years. It is a place where I compare myself to those around me, and I always come off worst. Which is a hard position to be in. It’s hard to feel better about yourself, when everyone else you know seems to be about 10 steps ahead of you. How do you find the energy to keep going?

I am dealing with things day-by-day. I set out a plan, which I don’t achieve entirely, but it usually gets me moving. It is a difference between getting out and doing something, anything, and wallowing in bed. This blog has probably been the most productive I have been in a while. As I always write about my feelings, but it leaves me at a loss when I am trying to avoid what’s in my head.

People like to say that mental health issues effect mostly young people. Maybe that’s when a lot of people start getting issues, but it doesn’t just stop once you reach a certain age. It continues on, and most people learn to live with a condition. However, like any other illness people can suffer from, mental health problems come and go. Or they do with me anywhere. Depression is a dark rain cloud that is always floating behind me, anxiety is the rain that can be either nothing, a shower or a complete downpour. And right now, it feels like a downpour. Like, my mind is flooded, and I am treading water just to stay afloat.

Sometimes, a road map of life would be great.

Breaking The Habit

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

I have been really bad at keeping my habits over the last few months. That includes everything like drawing, reading, writing and going to the gym. It is frustrating, because these are all things that help with my mental health, and keeps me calmer. However, when you can’t even stomach doing those things, it is horrible.

When you stop doing something, it can become hard to get back into it again. I can’t speak for others, but I know with myself, that I see the breaking of a habit as a failure. It seems pretty stupid, but is just how my brain is wired. It starts to cause a problem when I want to restart a particular thing, especially if it was something that was habitual before. Because I attach the feeling of failure, to something and feel so bad about, I am natural hesitant to try and start something up again, as I could fail again. For years, I feel like I have stopped doing things because I fear the worse could happen. Which is a bit sad.

The one thing about myself, which is good, is that I am pretty stubborn. So, I will try to get back into habits that I haven’t been able to keep. This means, I could type up a word post, but become too anxious to post it. Or I try to draw something, and get so irritated, the attempted creation ends up in the bin. It’s like, I try, but I worry too much. Which I have acknowledged before on here. But it is one thing picking up what is wrong, it is another thing to be able to do something about it.

The most important thing, is to never give up. Having a break from things is okay, you can get consistency again if you really want to.

Hopes for the future

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I remember leaving school. I remember preparing for leaving school. I remember waiting for my exam results. Visiting colleges. The dreaded fear as I counted down the final days.

My aim, was to be a Veterinary Nurse, as I wanted to help animals. I tried so hard. But whilst I was studying in Glasgow, I started to develop anxiety. Whilst I had an issue with depression at school, college is where it smashed me in the face. It got harder and harder to continue on. Eventually I failed an exam to get on the next year, and had to get a job in a shop. Which was okay, but I didn't get on with my manager. My anxiety lead to a fear of standing still. If I stood still, then the fact that I failed as a Vet Nurse would catch up.

So I thought about what I wanted to do, as a life. And even as a kid, I either wanted to do art or something with animals. So, I tried animals, so i thought I'd try something more arty. This time I went to a local college to try Art and then Graphic Design. To support this, I left the shop and went to work in a call centre in the evenings. The ambition was there, but at this stage (my 20s) I still hadn't got any help with my mental heal issues. I speak about them, because I can see they were there, when I am looking back. It was whilst I was at college and the call centre that i eventually sought out help. I struggled with college, so I eventually ended up just going full time at the call centre. But I struggled.

Eventually, I was paid off from the call centre for underperforming. Which was hard. But I was so anxious, that I felt I was a burden to everyone around me. I couldn't sleep before work, and I would frequently end up in tears during the shift. Although I was in despair at the time, I didn't realise how much I hated the job till I never had to go back. I spent about 6 months, whilst looking for jobs, learning how to look after myself. I was in the worst mental state I had been in through my whole life. I was self-harming and didn't want to live. I only saw what I had failed at, and wanted to give up.

I spent time with friends and family, made effort, found the things that made me happy again. And about 4 years ago, I applied for a job at a local warehouse. A job I was permanent in after 12 weeks, and that I am still at. I work long shifts, but short weeks, and this has enabled me the time I needed to continue to work on myself. And it helped. I like my job, I like the people I work with, but I still feel I could do more. So I applied to the Open University to do an IT course. I have always been interested in computers, so it would be interesting. And because I have healthier ways of dealing with any mental health issues, I think I am more prepared than before, to work on a course.

I guess that is my message of this post. What you may have in mind for your career might not pan out. But it is no reason to give up. There are so many pathways available to you, so try not to lose awareness of that. Not everyone gets lucky at their first career choice, but something is there for you. I mean, IT might hot be the thing for me, but life is too short to not try.

Work, Work, Work…

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I like to think that I have always been a grafter. Someone, who works as best as they can at whatever task they are given. Now, I may not be the fastest, but you can be assured that I will do my job properly. Which, to me, matters. Whilst, doing things in a good time is always a good thing, there is no point if corners are cut, and things are done poorly.

Since my first job, I have always enjoyed the satisfaction in working hard and feeling like I had made a difference. And that didn’t change no matter the size of company I was working for. I made sure that what I did was the best I could do. I like to believe that working hard will get you anywhere you want. Hard work is rewarded. But, I am realising that is maybe an idealistic way of thinking.

The area I work in at the moment is constantly busy. It is a very different job than what I am used to, but I still do my best. But, I am stuck. What do you do when your best isn’t good enough? Me, I just keep trying, I get my head down and graft away to the best of my ability. Which is how I have always been. But every so often I raise my head, and I see other people getting new opportunities. People who are doing worse at the job than me, and have been the less time than me. I automatically assume that I have done something wrong. And when you get that thinking in your head, it is really hard to get out.

A lot has changed with my job role in the last 6 months, with me working in a completely new department. And that, in itself, made me feel I was getting moved away for doing something wrong. So before I started my new task, I already felt a bit weary and hurt that I was moved away from my friends and folk I trusted. I have written on here before, about my mental health issues, and my old department had managers and leads who I could trust. People who I could speak and cry to if I had a bad day.  It made me feel comfortable coming into work, even on my bad days. But it isn’t like that anymore. I don’t really know any of my new managers, and when I talk to them it feels like I am a burden. And, if you know me and my mental health, I feel like I am feeling a burden without anyone saying so.

So I feel like a burden, and that I am doing things wrong, so I don’t feel welcome. It has become more of a struggle to go into work, when I have a bad day. I can go to the toilets and cry. All the people who would make me laugh, and make things better are in a completely different area. I can’t just abandon my work and wonder off to see them. I didn’t realise how much easier my work colleagues made everything, till I couldn’t see them anymore.

I am carrying on though. Trying to keep my head down, and work as hard as I can. Focus on myself, and what I am doing. Which is easier said than done. I give myself a pep talk every morning. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. The actual job is fine. It is just the lack of recognition and support that is getting me down. But, I will persevere, and I will continue to do the best I can. Which is all I can do.