Tag: life

Avoidance

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

What do you do when something bad happens? Something outwith your control.

I panic. I get myself so worked up over things, that I end up stressed out beyond belief. The thing is, what I am usually stressing over, is never worth the stress. But, that is easy to say, difficult to do, I seem to jump to a completely irrational over-reaction over things.

And, because I am assuming the worst possible scenario, it becomes easier to ignore the problem, rather than deal with it. Logic tells me, that things are always easier, in the long run, if they are dealt with then and there. But sometimes, logic has no place in my thoughts, as my brain starts running a mile a minute in the wrong direction.

If the world was going to end, rather than do things, I’d probably just sit and pretend everything was normal. And then have the audacity to complain when it all goes wrong.

Trying to understand your own behaviour is really hard.

If It’s Real, Then I Don’t Want To Know

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Life is full of ups and downs. And it is strange, because whether you decieve a particular moment as either ‘up’ or ‘down’ comes from what is going on inside your own head. If you are having a bad day, very little will overcome that feeling, and you will focus on the bad stuff. However, if you are in a good mood, you pick the more positive things, and can swipe the negative to the side.

I think it is very strange that our belief on what is going on in the world, is based on our own perception, which is based on our own emotions. I obviously am not in any way a psychologist, but I sometimes think about that stuff. It obviously is something that happens when I am feeling a little reflective and more positive. When I am down, I tend to feel like that everything is collapsing on top of me, so I don’t really tend to think about anything else.

Sometimes, thinking about anything is a bit hard, to be honest. Which is why it is so easy to lose yourself in a book, movie or TV series. It can feel better to live through a fictional life, than living your own. That is something that is really sad, but it is true. These fictional worlds become a way of coping, even escaping from your own life for a short time. And, that respite, may be all a person needs to get back on form.

Lone Ranger

~ Sue ~ 3 Comments

I like my own company. I go for lunch myself, I spend entire days were I don’t really speak to anyone else. It’s good for my mental health a lot of the time, because I can focus on what suits me. But sometimes, you need other people. You need someone to vent to as you fail at something for what feels like the hundredth time.

The problem is, that if people think you are used to being on your own, and pulling yourself through whatever shit life throws at you, they leave you alone. People assume that you are the way you are, because you want to be like that. That you don’t need help. Everything that I do, is something I do to help me cope. I listen to music loud on the bus, because I can panic when I am around that many people I don’t know. I do stuff that occupies my brain, as it stops me from thinking too much.

The more you spend on your own, the harder it gets to speak to people about problems. No one person can do everything on their own. It’s great being independent, but don’t be afraid to ask up. People may assume you are ‘fine’, the only way they’d know you aren’t, is if you tell them.

Messy (Daily Prompt)

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Never has a word fitted me more than the word, messy.

Messy is my head. Messy is my bed. Messy is my life.

Nothing ever seems to be in any order. And usually when I try to organise ‘things’ into some kind of order, I make things worse. Now, I know, that people say that things tend to get worse before they get better. But that doesn’t really help. Not when I find myself struggling to function without changing things. It’s almost like those old cartoons where a leak comes in, and by trying to stop it, another starts, and then another. It doesn’t take much for things to fall apart. After all, one person can only do so much.

I have too many things jammed in my closet. But to clear out the closet, every item, every bad decision, every failure has to come to the fore. Every thing begs for attention, and when you have been papering over the cracks, those things can make those cracks start to crumble away. Within an instant, it can feel like those battles you have been fighting, for most of your life, are lost all at once. It is insanely difficult to recover from that.

via Daily Prompt: Mess

Not As Bad As It Looks

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

When you read articles which help you plan ahead for a successful future, they are very good at telling you hope for the best. That things are going be great, no matter what. Which is nice, hopeful, and a good thing to work towards. Obviously, as people get older, what makes them happy, doesn’t stay the same. And depending on what people go through, it can also be hard to settle on anything happy.

When I studied, back when I was younger, I had varying amounts of success. At the earlier years at school, those first exams, it was fairly straightforward, I studied and I got results. It was awesome. But over time, I found that I was getting dis-interested. I didn’t do completely bad, but it felt so much harder to sit down and work on what I needed to. Eventually, I just think I felt apathy towards all education. I forced myself to try and further my education and find that elusive ‘better life’, I had read about. It made everything so much harder, and when the results weren’t matching the effort I put in, I started to feel really discouraged. It has left me with a mindset, where I am set up to fail.

I work hard, but recently, it has become clear that if I want to get in a better paying job, I need to do something other than just work. So, I had think, about what I am interested in, and what field is always in need of workers. So, I signed up for a course with the Open University, which is in IT and Computing. And it is very interesting, and I am enjoying it. However, the last module I did, contained coding for creating programs, and I felt the mindset set in, as well as utter panic. I felt a little lost, and I panicked, because I was challenged, I assumed I was going to fail. The panic was bad, that I struggled to complete some of the questions that I needed to answer. I assumed that meant that everything was over. It wasn’t. I got my result back today, and out of a possible 90, I got 78, I only dropped 12 marks, which was such a shock.

It’s made me realise that a lot of what you experience, does have a lasting effect on you. I was so surprised to have done so much better than expected, and it was a nice surprise. Maybe, it would be better to try and live in the moment, and not mentally jumping 10 steps ahead. But, that is a major issue with my anxiety, but the more I realise it happening, the more I can try to change things.

January Fail

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Well, it’s like I have blinked and the first month of 2018 is over. Already. And, it already has been a crap fest. Mostly feeling run down, but it leads to everything being a struggle. Work, socialising, studying… everything seems like it has taken so much extra effort. Effort, that I don’t really have the energy for.

But it’s done with. So I shall close the first chapter of 2018, and try to get on with the rest of the year. Which is starting well, as it is taking longer than normal to write this, as I appear to have made one of my main objectives of February to cough up a lung. Lovely stuff.

One of the things I need to do is redo this blog a bit. I think that a lot of the information is out of date, and it’s just looking a bit stale. I am planning to try and get started on this over the weekend, alongside studying. As, I doubt I shall be adventuring very far till this cough goes away.

Something Different

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

When it comes to trying to get things done, I seem to get so far, and then stop. Not on purpose. My attention starts to wain, and I end up just leaving whatever project alone, in a drawer and do everything I can to avoid looking at it.

I read a news paper article a while ago, where it spoke about focusing on actions that work for you. It sounds a little silly, but because everyone is different, it’s not too hard to assume that not every path works for everybody. I am going to use studying as an example. Some people learn by reading, some by listening, some take notes, and some draw diagrams. There are so many different ways to learn, and although the ‘taking notes’ option is the recommended by educators, it may not work for you. It doesn’t work for me. I do better if i read stuff out loud, and try and doodle wee diagrams about what I read. And, when I read back it always seems easy to understand.

As mentioned in my last post, I have joined weight watchers to try and lose weight. Previously, I have always used other people and their comments about me, to push me to change. But, someone mentioned in the weight watchers community, that a person should want to get healthy for themselves, and because they love their body. It sounds odd, but it is a concept so foreign to me, it might work.

Blogmas Day 2: Panic Stations

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

I think I jinxed it.

Yesterday I posted about being happy, so like clockwork, today kind of went a bit wrong. I had major anxiety in doing an induction at my work. This mean I almost freaked out, and had a meltdown, in front a big group of new starts. I managed to try and chill out, without bursting into tear in the middle of the session.

It was like welcome to your new job, now your instructor is going to freak out over nothing. The thing is, that it is very embarrassing. Even more, when I have a job, such as training people. It’s like ‘hey new people, sorry I sound strange, I’m trying not to completely freak out, but I promise this job isn’t too bad’. People I speak to always seem sympathetic, but I always get the sense that they kind of feel I am exaggerating. Which is not nice.

The good news is, that despite feeling agitated for a few hours, i focused on my job, and didn’t cry till I was alone. Also, I then continued with what i needed to do. It’s one of those things, that if i have the energy and will power to continue on, like I often don’t, then I feel better, naturally, because my brain is focusing on something else.

I didn’t let the small blip ruin my day, which is how I know I am in a much better place than I was previously.

(No) Good Times

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

I am dealing with a few issues at the moment. Issues I don’t even want to think about, let alone try to discuss them. It is almost as if ignoring something, will make it disappear. In my 33 years on this planet, you’d think I would have learnt, that’s not how things work. Doesn’t seem to stop me from trying to forget things happening.

I am trying though. I am trying to act like an adult, and do the ‘right thing’. The problem is, that the ‘right thing’ is never a clear decision, there is no road map pointing you in the right direction. You have to make the choice all by yourself, but it isn’t easy. The ‘right thing’ for me, is to try and work overtime because I have a lot of money to pay towards things. Things like bills, which nobody likes, but everyone has to pay.

I think, in the past, I found it really easy to blame my mental health. I get bad anxiety, so I am not paying my bills, is not a good excuse. Unfortunately, that is how I felt. Buying things made me feel better, but ultimately something else would be missed, and I’d feel worse again. And when you get into one of these cycles, life can get very hard, very fast. It becomes very easy to get overwhelmed, and when that happens I ‘lock myself off’. I don’t tell anyone anything, I ignore things that I shouldn’t, and just want to hide away from the world. As if the bad stuff will just disappear.

Recently, my mind has been going to places that it hasn’t been to in a few years. It is a place where I compare myself to those around me, and I always come off worst. Which is a hard position to be in. It’s hard to feel better about yourself, when everyone else you know seems to be about 10 steps ahead of you. How do you find the energy to keep going?

I am dealing with things day-by-day. I set out a plan, which I don’t achieve entirely, but it usually gets me moving. It is a difference between getting out and doing something, anything, and wallowing in bed. This blog has probably been the most productive I have been in a while. As I always write about my feelings, but it leaves me at a loss when I am trying to avoid what’s in my head.

People like to say that mental health issues effect mostly young people. Maybe that’s when a lot of people start getting issues, but it doesn’t just stop once you reach a certain age. It continues on, and most people learn to live with a condition. However, like any other illness people can suffer from, mental health problems come and go. Or they do with me anywhere. Depression is a dark rain cloud that is always floating behind me, anxiety is the rain that can be either nothing, a shower or a complete downpour. And right now, it feels like a downpour. Like, my mind is flooded, and I am treading water just to stay afloat.

Sometimes, a road map of life would be great.

Breaking The Habit

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

I have been really bad at keeping my habits over the last few months. That includes everything like drawing, reading, writing and going to the gym. It is frustrating, because these are all things that help with my mental health, and keeps me calmer. However, when you can’t even stomach doing those things, it is horrible.

When you stop doing something, it can become hard to get back into it again. I can’t speak for others, but I know with myself, that I see the breaking of a habit as a failure. It seems pretty stupid, but is just how my brain is wired. It starts to cause a problem when I want to restart a particular thing, especially if it was something that was habitual before. Because I attach the feeling of failure, to something and feel so bad about, I am natural hesitant to try and start something up again, as I could fail again. For years, I feel like I have stopped doing things because I fear the worse could happen. Which is a bit sad.

The one thing about myself, which is good, is that I am pretty stubborn. So, I will try to get back into habits that I haven’t been able to keep. This means, I could type up a word post, but become too anxious to post it. Or I try to draw something, and get so irritated, the attempted creation ends up in the bin. It’s like, I try, but I worry too much. Which I have acknowledged before on here. But it is one thing picking up what is wrong, it is another thing to be able to do something about it.

The most important thing, is to never give up. Having a break from things is okay, you can get consistency again if you really want to.