Gadget Girl

February 17, 2015 ~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I never used to bother about technology at all when I was younger. It may have something to do with the fact that other than Sega Vs. Nintendo, not a lot of people I grew up with was interested in it. We had a PC at home that never gained an internet connection for it’s entire lifespan. It was used for typing school things and playing Theme Hospital. People also didn’t really have mobile phones, not till I was reaching the end of my school years. Even then, the most exciting things were making ringtones or playing Snake on a Nokia 3330. The internet was accessible at school or at the local library, and even then, I wasn’t much interested.

It wasn’t till I found myself in Glasgow, being quite the loner, that I started a blog on livejournal, and I began to get involved with the internet. I started talking to people, who understood, people who are still friends with me many years later. As I have got older, I have found that I have become rather reliant on technology. Like, if I don’t have my smartphone with me, I feel lost. Which sounds very sad, and probably should make me really depressed. But, it doesn’t. And here’s why.

For years through my adolescence I struggled to find out who I was. I just seemed to follow other people, and never really spoke up for myself. Yes, I had my own interests, but they never seemed that important. I was really scared of being alone, and became quite anxious, and kept a lot of my thoughts and feelings to myself. Which, made any anxiety worse. And it developed into me really, really hating myself. I thought that I was a horrible person, a thought that has stayed with me since, no matter how silly I know it is. What helped me step away from hating myself so much, was the internet. I found forums and blogs where I could be myself, without fear of the very few people around me leaving. I slowly became more confident when I realised that I wasn’t alone in how I felt, there were other people struggling.

I think that finding this solace in the online world has been something that has stuck with me. If there is something that frustrates me I’ll tweet or write a blog about it. I’ll express it in a way that makes me feel better. I can message people from anxiety forums when I feel a panic attack coming on. It helps me cope with stuff around me. Particularly when I have reached out to people in my offline life, they have been critical of my depression or anxiety, which is something that I can’t help. If someone is rude to you online, you can always block them. That gives me control that I don’t have in general life, and it calms me down. Maybe it shouldn’t be like that, but it is. The internet is a calming little assistant that I have with me constantly thanks to my phone. And considering I work full time, have a social life and function ‘normally’, I think that it’s great. All these wee devices help me feel like a normal person, and considering I haven’t felt like that since I was 13/14, I feel it is a good thing.

If technology allows a person to feel free and enjoy the things that make them happy, I just don’t get how it can be bad. But, I am an adult. Though, I can’t help how much easier my High School years would be if I was so connected as I am now. If I could ask anonymous resources about how I felt, and chatted to people who were ‘like me’. I maybe would have been more in control of how my brain works. I guess there is no point wishing things could be different. Life is what it is, and technology has helped me a lot.

Makes Me Smile

January 8, 2015January 8, 2015 ~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Not having a good day today. Feeling a bit low, and thought I needed to cheer myself up. I ventured onto YouTube and there is a couple of videos by RatherGood that never fail to make me laugh. It was quite a few years ago when I stumbled across their website, and just laughed at the daft videos. I think it’s important to promote something that does make you feel better, and Joel Veitch’s creations certainly do that. A word of warning, a lot of the videos contain adult content and immature jokes. Still makes me laugh though.

I’ve added s few videos here. Hopefully they make you smile, as they did me.

Documenting Life?

June 2, 2014 ~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I love capturing what is happening around me. Whether it is drawing a picture, writing things down or taking a photo, it is important for me to document it. Always has been.

Some people seem to think that by documenting every little detail, you can miss out on the simple things in life. Which I guess can be true, in some ways. But I feel like it is more me appreciating the different ways of looking at every day. Even the boring days have their moments where I might think about something, or see something that interests me. I find it really releasing to write down or draw when I feel bad.

I think it is very important that if you decide to document your life using avenues, such as blogging, that you don’t share every little thing. It is important to share my thoughts and experiences rather than the details. Like, a lot of people I know, will gladly spend time with me, but don’t want their life shared with people they don’t know. And as well as that, a lot of people don’t feel comfortable seeing or reading things that are super personal. I don’t think that you need to share EVERYTHING to document things.

I guess I find it hard to explain how I can spend so much time sharing online, without telling absolutely everything to people. But it comes natural to me, I have so many ways to document how I feel and what I experience, I am in the habit of focusing on different things. Like this blog is general pondering, Livejournal is more of what I have been up to and Tumblr is just things I find funny or enjoy. And I like having that separation. I find that it helps me organise my mind better.

Set Topic

May 6, 2014 ~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I have been on the internet a lot, just browsing various websites and blogs. It appears that there is this mass unappreciation of any audience on the internet. By tying a blog into a particular topic, you become part of a particular community, and you get more page views and subscribers as a result. If a particular movie or game gets a new release, and you frequently blog about it, you will get more views. And if you post frequently, you will get more visitors from being a part of that online community. This is something great, that communities and fandoms are helping to create and promote content amongst one another. You make friends on other websites, you get ‘shout outs’ and promotion to other people that share your interest.

And as a solo blogger, I look at these blogs in awe. I have random interests, that peak and wain every now and then, and what I post relates to that. I love writing what is on my mind, as I started blogging for me, and documenting my life. I really don’t want to heavily promote other people’s products, just because I have blocked myself into writing about certain things. I know, from my own experience, that I don’t have the momentum to stay on the same topic too long, as I have so many things rushing around in my brain. So it would be more likely if I had one thing to post about, that my blog would die. And that would be a very sad thing. To me.

I still get excited over every view my blog gets. That someone even thought to glance at what I have created. It may be one or two people, but it matters to me. Although, I did start this blog for myself, it is nice to think that someone likes what I write. Even if it is just one post. Maybe I like this style of blogging, because I don’t feel I am selling a product to someone. I mean, if I see a movie or hear an album I like, I may promote it, I just don’t feel I could do it constantly. And, call me crazy, but when a company starts giving you free products to review, it’s only so you can play sales person. There is no impartiality, which there needs to be in any review. Same when people get too involved with fan communities, you can pass the mark of being impartial, and it can impair judgement. It turns into how well you promote a thing, rather than appreciating that someone read what you created.

Those are just my thoughts, though.

Feeling Good

April 24, 2014April 22, 2014 ~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Feeling very good and motivated about myself this week. And as such, I have taken the route of preparing a few posts in advance. This is something that has worked for me before on Tumblr. As I found that I am experiencing fits of inspiration at the moment. Which is great when I have days that I want to do everything and feel so motivated. But then, as the week drags on, I just want to watch TV and not deal with anything. I become lazy, and nothing gets done. And it is the same every week. So, as I have been feeling motivated, I thought I would try and use the queue post feature.

As said before, this is a technique I employ regularly on Tumblr, when I want to post loads, but also don’t want to bombard people with my useless ramblings. So, I write my heart out for 2/3 posts, on various topics, and schedule them to post on different days. Whilst, to some people it is considered a cheats way to blogging regular, I think it is an essential tool if you have a busy life. It means you can relax knowing that your blog is being updated regular, and you are not stressing about creating different content. Because if I do blog when I am work, it tends to be the same old piece moping about my shitty mental health issues. Which is necessary sometimes, but it gives a rather one dimensional view of myself. Something I don’t like. I do care about what kind of image I portray through this blog and other avenues, and I think that poor planning is why it has fallen a bit flat.

Hopefully if I can set out certain days for doing certain things, I will get more time to do what I want to. Because, all that happens is that I look at all the stuff on my ‘to-do’ list and freak out. It seems an unmanageable amount of stuff to do. But, by focusing a few hours or so on doing a few bits at a time, I can focus completely on another task. And it makes me feel oddly in control of things, rather than things being in control of me. I wonder, if other people use queue-type techniques when it comes to posting online, and whether you think it helps with your work load.

Stay Away!

July 15, 2013 ~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Sometimes it is easier to close the doors, rather than letting the world in to see and judge the inner workings of your life. If a person is having problems with their own life, the last thing they feel they need is someone else putting in their own ‘two cents’ on the situation. Or something worse, you are told there ‘is no situation’. Which means, whatever you are unhappy about is not worth being unhappy about. I mean, who has the right to say what makes another person happy or sad?

But by keeping the outside world out, all that happens is you ‘bury the head in the sand’. And for a short time, maybe it seems to work. No one to question your behaviour, or asking ‘how you are’, and no lies need told to cover up your distress. You can work, and be a ‘strong person’, you can pass off the appearance that everything is okay. And the only reason that those around you, think you are okay is because you don’t let them close enough to see anything different.

This doesn’t solve any problems though. The feelings of anguish, and whatever caused the issue, are more than likely, still there. So all you have done is make it harder to talk to people, as you begin to see yourself as a burden. They have been happy without you sharing, so why worry them with your mess?
_____________

I act like this a lot. It seems easier to put my problems into a ‘no go’ area of my mind when it comes to talking to friends, in a bid to become normal. But, there is no such thing as ‘normal’, every person has their little flaws and positives. Nobody has an ‘easy life’ it is just the perception you can get as a by-stander. Some people can hide certain things from some, but they will have someone that they’ll confide in.

I have ‘locked people out’ and it has just made it harder find reason enough to turn to someone. It has left me alone with my problems. That’s where the Internet has come into play, it has been a place where I can talk through my issues without feeling I am being a burden. It maybe is not the best way to cope, but it has helped me think about my life in a healthier way than bottling it up.

What about you? Do you try to keep your issues to yourself? How do you cope if things get harder?

The Internet is Public

May 29, 2013May 29, 2013 ~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I am writing this entry from my local library because my home internet is dead, and my phone is not allowing me to post updates. Instead of complaining, I am going to try and say what a different things, like free internet, does for communities.

When I was at school internet was slow and expensive, hence I never had it. The local council started to invest in computers, to provide people with the internet, who couldn’t afford it. They did this by equipting most local libraries with PCs. It gave so many people the access to a whole world that they couldn’t see before. They could send emails, apply for jobs, shop online and learn about so many things.

Since I first used these library computers 15 years ago, my home got broadband, and a laptop that works (kinda). The local library, which once housed 2 computers, now has 12. The library runs classes to help people get to grip with computers and the internet. Allow pensioners send emails to relatives who live on the other side of the world. And, people who struggle with unemployment, get help on how to apply for jobs or type up a CV. It’s made computers so much accessible. You no longer need to spend a fortune on a PC and a home broadband connection.

I remember when I was at school, there was a few internet cafes that opened. Where you would paid £5 for an hour of computer access. Obviously, times have changed, the government helped. You can now rent public computers for an hour a time, and all you need is a library card. I think this is awesome, but I don’t know how widespread this is. My local council is Fife Council, and they have made it a priority to make computers and the internet accessible to all local residents, for free.

It’s times like this, where I take stock, and am thankful for where I live. And it isn’t just because my own technology is so tempermental.

A Confession About Online Expression

February 7, 2013February 7, 2013 ~ Sue ~ 2 Comments

I spend a lot of time online. Which is evident, if you follow me on any social network. I used it as an outlay, as a way to let of some steam. And most people I know, appreciate why. But some, do not. They dub me an attention seeker, and disregard what I feel and express as nonsense, as a result.

I turned to the Internet when I first suffered from depression, about 5 years ago. I didn’t know who to speak to, and I didn’t want to let anyone down. It sounds ridiculous, but when you observe the people closest to you doing well, and getting on with things, you feel pathetic that you can’t do the same. So you don’t speak to those around you, for fear that you get pointed out for being as childish as you feel. So, I turned to the Internet. To blogs and forums. To places I could interact with people, and not feel so alone in my dilemma. I started writing blogs about my life, and used sites like MySpace as an accompaniment. I complained, i laughed, I spoke about the things that noone around me understood. I found friends, whose kind words advised me through some difficult times, because they had experiences similar.

Depression and anxiety never truly leaves. As a person, you have to recognise signs and learn how to deal with it. Which can make the condition bearable. However, as a person grows and changes, their mental state also grows and changes. You find yourself in situations which you can’t explain, you try to find a logical answer, but it doesn’t come. You can find your anxiety creating problems in work, and in general life. But, trying to get others to understand that you don’t know what’s wrong, is difficult. Especially in work places, or situations where people want to help.

People can mis-understand the lack of answers, as laziness, that you don’t want help. It’s not that a person doesn’t need or want help, they just don’t know what it is that is wrong. It’s like being lost in the middle of a field in a thick fog. You can’t see where you are going, nor the direction that you need to go. And every day is the same. A new day brings a new field, and sometimes the fog is thicker than other times.

And that’s where I am. A field filled with fog, and I need some clarity. Sometimes writing clears that fog a little. Be it short tweets, Facebook status updates or blog entries. It gives me the chance to try and wrestle with my emotions without fear of embarrassment. There is not confrontation, which I feel is my big problem. I am at the stage, where I fear that every person I talk to hates me and wants to scream at me. That is a horrible place to be. I don’t know how to silence these thoughts, and noone I ask for help seems to understand.

Writing is my way of saying what I need to, without the confrontation. And that is the main reason I do it. I’m just not used to people I actually know reading what I think, so the confrontation ends up happening. And yes, ‘how are you’, is confrontational in my head, because I don’t know how to answer you, and I panic.

Things Are A-Changing!

October 23, 2012 ~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I am trying to change a few things over here. Which is why from today you can also find my blog at https://sueriot.wordpress.com, as well as ol’ Rgraphics. Everything else I run online, bar Youtube, all runs of the same username. So it made sense.

Rgraphics is the name I picked before I really tried to get all my social networks working together. I am trying to forge an online identity away from my personal, offline life. That involves me changing a few things about, and taking away the mention of real details. Whilst this doesn’t have a lot of relevance to things like this blog, it does have more to do with Facebook. Yes, a useful tool which has been inundated with nosey relatives, and ex-friends. While I’d like to say I was able to go and fix my security settings accordingly, Facebook make it hard, and I am far too lazy, so it doesn’t happen.

Because I plan to get back into the interwebs ‘full tilt’, I felt that some of my personal side should be hidden. Mostly, because people seem to think that because I use a lot of social media under my real name, I will tell all their secrets, and people will pry about them. Or something. I don’t know what people are so scared about, because this isn’t anything I have ever been worried about.

So for the moment. I have taken Riot (from Riot Graphics), and shall be calling myself Sue Riot online. Not a very smart alias, but hopefully enough to force a division between internet Sue, and IRL Sue. I am the same person though, so really it shouldn’t make a difference. It also keeps my ‘details’ secure. Though in one of my dumber moments, I am pretty sure I told most of my details to Facebook already.

Hooray!! I r so smart.