Doing well (not)

So, my plans to be productive have fallen by the wayside already. And we are only in the first week of February. Which, has me feeling pretty depressed about things. Not that it takes much.

But setting a plan should involve understanding that things aren’t concrete. Which is something that I am trying to learn. It is disappointing when you fail to achieve something, and sometimes it feels like complete failure. And sometimes, it feels like all you get in life is failure, after failure. Like, I try to do things, but just end up going round in circles.

It is something that is very frustrating. A big thing that is a problem, is that my attention lapses too soon. So I lay out tasks to do, and do them successfully for a few days, and then get bored. I have no further motivation to do the tasks I had planned on. And, I can’t seem to stop this from happening. Which is super frustrating.

So, I am trying to change how I think about plans and goals. I need to stop thinking of them as something that can’t be change. Any goals that I have should work with me, I shouldn’t have to constantly feel like I am drowning because my aims are too out of reach. I just maybe need to learn how to plan to my needs better.

Anything Better Than Nothing

Whilst I have had a bit of a breakthrough, so far in 2017, with my writing, I am still a bit stuck with my more arty things.

I am trying to do wee things to help motivate me. Cause past doing wee doodles every now and then, I struggle. But, when I think about it,wee doodles are better than nothing.

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The image above is what happened creatively today. I stuck stickers in my sketchbook. Like a child. Honestly, it was so relaxing, just what I needed after a stressful day. So, as far as I am concerned it did it’s job.

Been doing a lot of thinking, so I can build on the wee doodles and stickers, and actually create something substantial. Maybe, I need a few goals. Like making a new banner or something. Goals sometimes help, sometimes they do de-motivate me further though.

28 Things I Imagined I’d Done By The Age Of 28 (but haven’t)

1. Have a relationship, where me and my partner are so connected, we are best friends.

2. Be employed as a Vet.

3. Be an artist on the side, because I want to, not for money.

4. I’d be trying to get my first novel published.

5. I’d be a YouTube partner, and vlog regularly to an audience who I really connect with.

6. I’d have my own house, with a garden.

7. The garden would have a vegetable patch, where I’d farm my own food.

8. I’d have a car, so I could go where I want.

9. Have loads of money, like every adult does.

10. Invite my best friends round every weekend where we drink and watch crap movies.

11. I’d have my own dog.

12. I’d be living in Glasgow.

13. All my favourite bands would know my name.

14. Have gotten past the stage where I massively obsess over a person I’ve never met.

15. I’d host dinner parties where I pretend I had cooked the food, but I had ordered takeaway.

16. The rollercoaster emotions would be left in my teenage years, and I’m always happy.

17. I be a size 10 and addicted to the gym.

18. I would get past relying on others opinions of me so much.

19. I’d have stopped watching Cartoon Network.

20. I’d no long buy My Little Pony toys.

21. I’d have so many friends constantly texting me, because nice people get friends.

22. I would be a great worker, and the best at what I do.

23. I’d have displayed work at a gallery, and sold it for charity, for the PDSA.

24. I’d have used my first aid training to save a life.

25. I could do whatever I want.

26. I’d like more grown up things, like shopping and knitting, rather than Mario Kart and Disney movies.

27. I would be glad I was an adult and wouldn’t pine for my teenage days.

28. I would be successful.

Be Your Own Hero

Change is hard.
But change happens.
Accepting change is difficult.
Enforcing change change can seem impossible.
But to be successful, a person needs to be able to change things. No matter what your status is in life, you will have some bad habits. Things that you do without thought. It may effect your life dramatically, it may just sit in the background of your life.

Sometimes, just to feel empowered and in control, you need to change something. Whether that is losing weight or going to college, change is good. I want to find control. I am not happy with my shape, so I am going to try and exercise more. I have spent the majority of my life beating myself up because of how I am shaped, and that is not a good place to be.

So I hope to change my mindset by getting fit. This will hopefully help me become more positive. And be the end of these selfish ramblings.

Or maybe not. 😉

Initial Aspirations

When I started this blog, I had many ideas and thoughts of what I would use it for. It would be a creative blog, where I would post images of what I had made, and use it as a promotional tour for my business. In retrospect, I think I aimed a little high.

Firstly because being at college, and struggling through a few years of forced creativity, has lead to me going from one artistic mental block, to another. Secondly, I just am far too scatter brained to make my blog about one thing. I maybe should organise it better, but nothing in my life is very organised, so it maybe wouldn’t reflect ME if it wasn’t a bit of a mess. Some excuse, right?

I have always been an over thinker. A person who seeks importance in the most stupid and trivial things. My interests in things can get intense, but will also suddenly wane after a short period of time. I want to express my love and experience so many different things, that I always find myself looking for ‘something else’. Whilst some things such as favourite bands, movies and books will stay with me, I can’t exclusively care about a favourite thing. I think that liking new things can be a challenge, a challenge that should be welcomed.

Because I try to be interested in so many different things, I find that what I want to talk about changes every day. One day I will want to talk about Benji Madden sneaking into Scotland without my knowledge, the next day I’ll be talking about some political land mine. Whilst this leads to me being very sporadic, I like the idea that I have a place to express my thoughts in a accessible manner.

So whilst my initial plans for this blog haven’t come true, I still am happy with it. I have made this blog my online ‘home’ for the last few years, and I have become very attached to it. I find that WordPress is a great blog host, and find that is the best managed blogging site on the net. Trust me, I have tried almost every blogging site going. I like everything from the multiple platforms you can blog from, to the twitter feed. I think that the simplicity of using the service, has been crucial for me staying here for so long.

I guess I am feeling very retrospective. Whilst the majority of people I know say I waste my time writing a blog, I will always scoff in their faces. If a person has the freedom to express themselves without fear, no matter how they do it, they will never waste their time.

Looking For…Something!

My emotional state as at a high, and I have an abundance of plot ideas and character rundowns in my head.

It only means one thing.

It’s time for NaNoWriMo!

For the uneducated, National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo) is a task where you have to write a novel of 50,000 words in length throughout the month of November. This was something I watched from affar last year, but this year I have decided to take part. I thought that it would see me working on a schedule again, and see if I can get things moving in other paths of my life.

So, my aims are to write 2,500 words a day. This means that it will only take me 20 days to write the novel, and then I could have time to change anything. Also, that would allow me a couple of ‘off’ days, in case I have to be away doing something else. I think that this daily target, makes the overall goal seem more reachable.  Which is how I work better, if I give myself smaller targets, then I should be able to achieve bigger things.

And because I have been spending a lot of time reading novels and articles, I am getting a lot of ideas for it. One of the main themes, I have decided, will be obssession. I am doing this, because this is something I have a lot of experience in, as I obsess over A LOT. And I have seen it recommended, that it is often best to write about things that you have some experience in. That’s how many writers start out, they write something which has paralells to their normal, every-day existance.

So I have a starting point. My main worry, is that I let the story peak to early, and end up just filling in the rest of the required word count with rubbish. But I have the basic storyline mapped out in my head. I have been reading my favourite books,  to try and give myself ideas on how to keep a story flowing. Also been watching a few of my favourite films, like High Fidelity, Clerks, Mallrats and This Is England.  The reason I have done that, is because I love films with really well thought out dialect between characters. This is something that I have been looking at, as a bit of a guide, as to how the dialect is successful.

I know there is no prize, and there is every chance, I could end up hating the story and fail completely. But it is worth a try, and I think it is a great way to challenge yourself. And it would show that I can produce something, within a schedule, if I really work for it. I am also hoping, that by thinking about it beforehand, I won’t have a massive panic, and write rubbish, which would make me doing the task worthless.

I want to get something out of this, which could be productive as something I can keep. Yes, I do plan to write something that I want to keep and share. I want to experience that pride again, when someone is impressed with what I have written.

So, wish me luck. As from tomorrow, NaNoWriMo begins, and as does my journey to writing my first Novel.  *Hehe-that sounds cool*

Sooo….

Today has decided that it’s going to be a WordPress blog only, in preperation of syncing it with my website, Psychobabble.

So this is going to  more active. Need to build up what influences me and things, and after reading a few blogs, taking daily pictures, is a good way to get across influences and what I am feeling. I do take my camera a lot of places with me, but I still get embarassed at getting it out and taking pictures. I don’t know why.

So after my ‘a look a day in the mirror’ thing helped me get a better body image about myself. So by taking pictures everyday, I hope to get a good stock of images, and help get my photography skills, a bit better. Good idea, or bad idea? I guess only time  will tell.

So just to get things off and running, here is a picture of a Yoshi painting I did a while ago. Something I am quite proud of .

Also decided to get away for the weekend, to de-stress, as I am driving myself crazy, about things I won’t go into here. But to summarise, it is mostly college work,  money issues and family issues. So basically everything, which is my life is currently going a bit wrong. Which is a bit of a stinker.

Anyway, I am heading to Aberdeen, to see Gemma and Sharon, who I went to school with. We left school almost 8 years ago, and we are still good friends. That has to say something. So, I’m really looking forward to getting away from Fife, even if it is just for a few days. Should do me, and my head, some good.