No Niche

Since I started spending my time online, over 20 years ago, it has been clear that people who gained popularity, were those who focused their attention on a particular topic. Something that I have never been able to do. Even when I used to do my homework at school, I couldn’t just focus on one subject. To work best, I would spent half an hour or so on one subject, then switch to another.

If you take a dander over my blog, you will see this lack of focus, as I write about what is in my head at the time. It could be health related, news related, or just what I have read or watched. I like having a place where I can document things, and I enjoy reading through my previous posts. I like to see what I was doing a few years ago, and normally I will have a wee laugh at my own expense. Which is normal. As you get older, and experience new things, meet new people, your perspective on things can change. What matters to you today, may not be so important in a few years’ time.

Maybe that’s why I tend to ignore the advice from so-called experts, that everyone needs to find their own ‘niche’, and make their content about that. I like to have ways to document my life, a place to put my thoughts, no matter what the topic is. Maybe it is because, that is the kind of content I like best. It feels personal, without a person having the need to give every aspect of their life away.

Off to a good start

I last posted on New Year’s Day, which was almost 2 weeks ago. Not exactly the great start I was hoping to have in 2025, but it happens. I have been working extra shifts at work, because it is the busy period, and I have had the lurgy for the last week or so. Which has left me being able to function, but with little energy to do anything else. So, I have updated hardly anything online.

I spent time reading which is good. I normally find that doom scrolling on social media, distracts me from doing what I actually enjoy. But because I didn’t want to deal with people, I did some reading instead. Maybe that is something that I need to do more, schedule in social media time, so that I don’t simply waste hours of my life on it. Because when scrolling through TikTok, I find that I blink and 3 hours have gone by. The problem is, that I blame myself for being so stupid, but is it really different from anything else? People come home from work and put on the TV and watch 3-4 hours of stuff, and that’s okay. Is it only a problem when TikTok is being watched rather than BBC 1?

Honestly, I don’t know. I get bored watching a lot of TV these days, the things that are on, don’t often catch my attention. Like, I don’t really want to watch most soaps, reality TV, or yet another drama about murder. I don’t know if it is because, unless the program is really good, my brain just isn’t engaged enough, and I end up bored. So I turn to my phone, to scroll through stuff, I usually have no interest in. When in reality, I should really go and do something that I am interested in. I can’t complain that my time has been wasted, when I am not doing anything about it.

So, tonight, we are going to do a little studying, read a little, and make a start on my new journal, instead of watching TV shows, I am not interested in. And, when I am done, I’ll have a nice early night for work tomorrow. Things can only get better if baby steps are made, day-by-day.

A Little Push Every Day.

During my last post, I talked about trying to get my life in some kind of order. After some further thought, I decided to give myself till Christmas, as a place to assess how well things have gotten. So I have decided to focus on different things every day, do things in small bits. Because, when you simply look at the ‘bigger picture’ it can easily become overwhelming. Or, it does when I do.

Yesterday was a struggle, where I was really sore. I find it really hard to start moving, when I have no solid plans. So I lay on my bed, and felt sorry for myself. I was awake early, but I had no motivation. And that is the issue, the longer I lie, the more everything hurts. Around midday, I got a text from my friend about going to get some coffee after her work, and that appeared to be all the plan I needed. It was frustrating because I couldn’t even do the dishes because I had zero grip, which made me feel useless and I had a little cry. I then went for the bus and bought a sandwich to finally have some painkillers. Progress.

As I already knew, once I had my pain relief and had started walking around, things started to feel a lot better. I had coffee with my friend, and then I went and bought stuff for dinner. I ended up feeling so good I made my dinner, which is a rarity when I have a bad pain day. And then I finally did dishes, so despite starting off bad, I felt rather accomplished.

So, I decided that as I watched the TV during the evening, I was going to do some drawing. One of those hobbies that I have been struggling with. So I charged up my Apple Pencil, and spent around an hour doing a doodle. It wasn’t a piece of fantastic art, but it was a bit of creativity. I am fully aware it looks like a piece of crap.

Today has been a lot better. I got up and moving at a decent time. Had breakfast and pain relief at a decent hour. I then did the dishes, and decided I needed to do some laundry. 5 loads of laundry to be exact. And I organised some things in my room, which made the mess a little bit less messy. I did it whilst listening to some vinyl, namely Descendents’ Everything Sux, and NWA’s Straight Outta Compton. By focusing on what I was doing for short burst, I was quite productive. I’ve now had my dinner, half my laundry is drying on the line outside, and I am planning on having a wee read tonight, after I finish writing.

I feel like a person who can actually function today, which is rare. This is the feeling that I wanted, and one I hope to continue. I’m very good at recognising the bad days, but I need to recognise the good days more.

Busy Busy

It is the busy period at my work. as it always is after Christmas. I am working long weeks, and am rushed off my feet. Though, I say that, it is normally a good kind of busy. The kind where you are constantly working away, so that the time flies by, which is good. I don’t have the time for my brain to wonder onto something else, and get unfocused. And yet, it is not so busy that I am swamped and stressed. It’s a good kind of busy.

I have been trying to make time for reading, which is entirely dependant on how sore I am on any particular day. I currently have a physical book, an ebook, and an audiobook, all in progress at the same time. It is normally my hands that get sore. so I find it hard to hold a book. or even my phone or kindle. Especially as I am travelling to work. I have been listening to audiobooks a lot more than I used to. It’s nice to hear a story on the way to and from work. This year I want to read more, and having a variety of ways to do that, even when life tries to get in the way, is helpful.

As the world seems to be getting more busy, and more intense, it is important to make time for hobbies, things that you enjoy. Over the years I have had lots of hobbies, by the joy has fallen away from them when I found myself stressing over whether or not I can do it. I have always loved drawing, writing, and reading. I am trying to take the pressure out of it, so don’t be worried if my posts on here, as an example is a bit sporadic. Trying to make my hobbies fun again.

To Keep A Hobby

I have been having regular phone calls with a therapist, and one of the topics that has been discussed centres around hobbies. It is something. that I never used to have a problem with, in fact I had lots of hobbies. Reading, drawing, writing… just lots of wee bits that I’d do outside work. Over the last several years, I have struggled do anything regularly for any decent length of time.

So, during my appointments, we have been discussing how to start doing hobbies regularly. I always start off with good intentions, but then I miss a day, and quickly lose any momentum. I have been doing some reading on how to start doing things regularly. It is rather difficult to find anything actually useful, as most results seem to be about how to use hobbies on a CV or in a job interview. Which is not what I am looking for at all. I mean, a hobby is supposed to be something that you do for enjoyment, something to help you chill out from work or any other stresses of life.

It then frustrates me, because I end up stressing about not doing hobbies. So, it has the opposite affect that what is intended. It is super annoying, if I were to be honest. It is like when I want to do something, no matter how fun it might be, my brain seems to list it as just another task. So, whilst I may get excitement and enjoyment whilst doing the thing, I can’t get the motivation to get the activity started. It is a bizarre feeling to have, let alone try to explain.

You Do You

What is the worst habit that you have?

Some would say smoking, not exercising enough, or drinking too much. I would say that most people’s bad habit should be talking about other people. Talking poorly about a person you don’t know, or only partly know.

A person only starts to think about this when it is them being spoken about. It is for them that an area turns quiet as they walk by, hushed voices giggling to one another. People speak, and sometimes their words get back to the person they are about. And when you are struggling to function, to hear others speaking nonsense can be the straw that breaks the camel’s back. Normally in this situation, people don’t realise the damage they have done till it’s too late. It can be hard to admit that the words that you have spoken could have really hurt someone. Because, that is never the intention. People talk rubbish about others to help ease their own frustrations about work, life, or whatever.

I know that I have been at both sides of this. I have talked crap, but I have also had crap said about me. And it is something that I have been thinking about a lot. I know that, personally, I want people to like me. I want to be friends with everyone. Of course, that is something that is not always possible, you cannot please everyone. And, to hear that people don’t like me to the point that they’d talk as soon as my back was turned, broke my heart. I couldn’t understand what I had done wrong. I would worry about something like this for weeks. I would analyse every little thing I did, to see if there was anything that would offend anyone. It’s compulsive and irrational, but I can’t help it.

Recently, I’ve tried to change things. Focus on myself, and do what makes me happy. I wouldn’t purposely harm anyone or anything, and that should be my focus. Some people won’t like me, but that’s okay. I’m going to just try do what I like. Keep my mind busy, so that I don’t worry so much about what other people say. It’s easier said than done, though.

Merry Christmas

It’s the one day of the year, where everyone gets to spend time with their loved ones. It is maybe family, it’s maybe friends, it’s maybe even someone you haven’t met in real life. Some people just prefer to get absorbed in something they love, like a book, TV show, or computer game.

It doesn’t really matter what you do. As long as you try and benefit from that one time of the year where everything slows down. Where shops close, TV channels play limitless movies, and there seems to be food everywhere. It is nice to take time out of the everyday life, which can easily get on top of a person.

I hope that everyone reading this, has the chance to spend the festive period surrounded by love, however you find it.

Really Bad At This

Hobbies are great. They are small things that can make daily life a bit more bearable. Can give a person something positive to focus on.

Over the years, I have had quite a few hobbies. At school there was a lot of sports and many trips to my local library for so many books. As I got older, and the normal teenage insecurities grabbed hold, I found myself focusing on more indoor tasks. I would write, draw and read a lot. Usually, I would be avoiding to do things, but these hobbies helped make me so happy.

Unfortunately, as my mental health started to decline, so did my ability to enjoy these hobbies. Most people would tell me to move on, find something else that interests me. But, I don’t know what else interests me. My attention span is currently soo rubbish, that I can’t seem to ‘get into’ anything. It feels like being surrounded by brick walls, where I end up simply throwing myself on the couch to watch tv.

I have recently made some progress, where I have found that audiobooks, something that I have never really bothered with previously. I have listened to books when I have been out for a walk, in my car, and just before I go to bed. My anxiety has caused me to struggle with sleep and half an hour listening to a book gets me ready for bed. And I am sleeping so much better, since I started putting aside the time to listen to something.

I won’t give up on doing the things I love, it is just going to take work to get it to be doable in my daily life again.

Breaking The Habit

I have been really bad at keeping my habits over the last few months. That includes everything like drawing, reading, writing and going to the gym. It is frustrating, because these are all things that help with my mental health, and keeps me calmer. However, when you can’t even stomach doing those things, it is horrible.

When you stop doing something, it can become hard to get back into it again. I can’t speak for others, but I know with myself, that I see the breaking of a habit as a failure. It seems pretty stupid, but is just how my brain is wired. It starts to cause a problem when I want to restart a particular thing, especially if it was something that was habitual before. Because I attach the feeling of failure, to something and feel so bad about, I am natural hesitant to try and start something up again, as I could fail again. For years, I feel like I have stopped doing things because I fear the worse could happen. Which is a bit sad.

The one thing about myself, which is good, is that I am pretty stubborn. So, I will try to get back into habits that I haven’t been able to keep. This means, I could type up a word post, but become too anxious to post it. Or I try to draw something, and get so irritated, the attempted creation ends up in the bin. It’s like, I try, but I worry too much. Which I have acknowledged before on here. But it is one thing picking up what is wrong, it is another thing to be able to do something about it.

The most important thing, is to never give up. Having a break from things is okay, you can get consistency again if you really want to.

Can’t do without

I am always saying that I use the internet way too much. But on thinking on it, I don’t just search stuff, I use specific sites and services. And the sad thing is, that I rarely travel out with those services. So, I thought I would share the stuff I use most, and why.

YouTube I watch more content on here, than I do on any other service. I watch videos in areas that I am interested in, which are usually related to retro gaming, book reviews, Japan, news or just general geekery. I look for a topic I like, and watch any videos that come up. If I like people I subscribe. Every so often, I will go through every video a channel has made, just for fun, and it absorbs hours of my
life.

Twitter I use Twitter all the time, which is not as much as I used to. Twitter has become a place for breaking news, but it’s a swing and a miss, as there is ALWAYS fake information circulating. Twitter is where I rant if I am stuck in traffic or had a bad day, I let of some steam. It can be a great place for customer services, a lot of companies these days have someone manning a company twitter profile, and will try to help. If I am feeling anxious, twitter can be an easy way for me to get help or advice, just use the right hashtags, and the internet is great. Just remember and don’t feed the trolls.

Facebook 🙄This is probably one of the most problematic sites on the internet. Mostly because some people go on it without having any kind of brain engagement. It’s good for articles, sometimes, the non-fake, click bait ones. The main reason I use Facebook is because of Messenger. Most of the people I know are within reach on Messenger, so that gets used, a lot. So it’s good for connecting with friends, which I think is what Mr Zuckerberg wanted when he started the site.

Instagram I like pictures. I like taking them and I like looking at them. And Instagram is one of the most popular photo sharing sites in the world. It’s a great way to find artistic inspiration, which is something I am ALWAYS in need of. Never been into the trendy make-up and stuff, which are hugely popular on the site. But, there are things for everyone on there, and there are communities which are great for help, like anxiety and weightloss help.

Goodreads I like books, always have done. And this site is great for keeping track on what you read, and giving yourself personal goals. Something I am not very good at. It is another service with a great community. If there is a particular book genre you like, join a group and get loads of new recommendations and even make new friends. A lot of authors also reach out to readers over Goodreads, which is great.

I decided to shorten my list to 5, as I really could go on for a bit. Other services include WordPress, Amazon, Xbox Live, Netflix, Crunchyroll, Spotify and livejournal. I could waste my whole life on these sites, but it wouldn’t feel like a waste. The internet allows me to view content I want, and that is a great thing.