Tag: friends

Meaning of My Christmas

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

It’s the week of Christmas. That time of the year which is filled with good feelings, twinkly lights and gifts for those who mean the most to you. It is a period which has always made me happy. As a child, that may have been mostly because of presents, but that has changed as I have got older. The festive period has become more about taking time away from work, spending time with family and meeting with friends we maybe don’t see as much as we should.

tree

The meaning of Christmas, is supposed to be focused on the Nativity. Something that I liked as a child, when I attended Sunday School. The best thing about Sunday School at Christmas, was that I got a book as a gift. I loved books, and books as presents was right up my alley. I don’t have any particular negative feelings about my experience with the Church. In fact, I did crafts every week and read stories, it was perfect for me. But, then I got a little older, and decided that I wanted to go horse riding every Sunday morning instead. And, that was the start of me finding out my own mind.

When at Sunday School, we were always told that we could pray, if we had problems. Unfortunately, the problems of the stereotypical teenager came into play, and praying didn’t help. It was this idea, that the answers would be given to us if we prayed. It isn’t really that simple, and all it did was confuse my already confused brain, more. So I tried to find another way to help ease my tensions, which involved writing things down, drawing or reading a few chapters of a book. I picked up hobbies, that really helped. And, as I started to learn and experience new things, I kind of stopped trusting in an ‘ultimate power’. Nothing bad about people who do believe, but I just couldn’t get past what I thought.

Why do I still celebrate Christmas?

Well, I still like the stories, they are stories from my childhood that still make me smile. I like the idea that a couple struggling for shelter, would get help from a complete stranger. It doesn’t really seem to happen in life, but people can be good to each other. But life has taught me, that good behaviour isn’t exclusive to a religion. I like the festive time because it is a time I get to spend with my family. It is the one time of the year, where we are allowed a little ‘down time’, and appreciate what we have. No work, just a lazy day at home with my family, where we do very little. I get to buy presents for people, and whilst it seems awful capitalist, I feel like gifts help show people I appreciate them. They are a ‘thank you’.

We do not get a lot of opportunity to shut off from the world, and it is nice to have the opportunity to do so.

Appologies as this has become more of a ramble than I intended. But a lot of people, don’t understand that people can enjoy Christmas, without being overly religious. It is my personal thoughts, and I don’t intend to offend anyone. If you celebrate a religious holiday during this festive period, I hope you have the best time. Everyone has to believe in something to get them through life. I just prefer to believe in the goodness of people. Happy Holidays.

To Share Or Not To Share

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I really haven’t had much to say, which I haven’t posted in almost a month. Well there are things that are in my head, but no anything I particularly want to voice on the internet in a public way. In fact I just haven’t mentioned things at all. This sounds a little bit strange, especially coming from someone who uses blogging and the internet to work out their frustrations, but it is true. What it has done, is make sections of the internet, completely separate from what has been going on offline.

And I think that it is important, knowing where to draw the line with posting personal things online. Like, I have always used the internet to vent, to let out those annoying wee things that grate on me. But, I will not go into discussing a bad situation where someone else is involved. It could be to do with family or friends, but it is for me to share something, that whilst personal to me, is also personal to them. I mean, if other people are like me, my parent’s have me on facebook. The last thing I would need is someone talking about a personal situation that had me tagged, and that my parents could read, especially as it may be something that I didn’t want to share with them.

But, that is one of the best things about the internet. You can decide what you share. You might might be obnoxious and funny, but through Facebook you are simply funny, due to not sharing absolutely everything about yourself. It can be dangerous too, as you may never truly know someone you are friends with online. You can only virtually know whatever side of their personality, a person is willing to share.

When I write things on my social media accounts, sometimes I feel bad for the people who follow me. Because I can get so wound up and angsty, and they may never know why. I’ll just post those annoyingly vague updates about ‘some people are dicks’, and leave it like that. I know it is annoying, but sometimes, my anxiety gets me worked up over nothing and I need to vent. That is why there are sometimes no specifics about a situation, just that I am feeling crap, going to buy a cat and live in solitary confinement for the rest of my life.

I have been training myself to kind of push past any feelings of anxiety. Like, to allow myself to cry my eyes out over what ever non-event I am panicking irrationally over, but then when calm afterwards, pick up a book or listen to music. I do things that make me feel better. And then I can try and get things done (sometimes successful, sometimes not). These actions maybe don’t sound like something that require training, but it did. For years I would have a panic attack, and dwell on the cause for days. Causing more panic attacks, and a general feeling of complete loss. I have spent 2016 teaching myself how to power through the tears and the struggling to breathe. And whilst I still have A LOT of anxiety problems, it is a lot rarer these days, that I will lose a complete weekend to endless panicking over everything.

If I post every little panic attack I have, I think I would have no friends left. Even less, if they knew what I had panicked over. So sometimes, it is good not to share everything. But because I have had a bad few weeks, I decided it was best to just not share anything. Because as much as my new coping methods help me, I was going round in circles, and couldn’t even think straight to write properly. But, hey, I am posting. Progress is progress.

Head Full Of Fluff And Stuff

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I am feeling all angsty, right now. Something, that I had assumed would have left by now. It hasn’t and I just don’t really know what to do about it. Maybe having sleepless nights over the trivial things in life, is a sign that I need to do more. That I am emotionally unsatisfied with what I have done in my 32 years on this planet.

Well, I am unsatisfied. I found an old diary which had me writing down my High School study schedule, to try and make my last year or so a success. It didn’t happen, I did nothing and got nowhere. The college course I went to when I left school, was dependant on the grades I got when I was 16, not the ones I got when I actually left school, at 18. I wasted 2 years, because I didn’t feel I was ready, and that has been a theme of my life. I may get round to some things, but its more of an eventual accident, rather than doing something when I actually give a shit about it.

And living in such a way has left me feeling very shit about my life. And I don’t know who to speak to about it. I have friends, but they have their own lives. And whilst I feel comfortable listening to their issues, I don’t want to bog them down with whatever crap is in my head. It isn’t fair to bring someone else down to my level, when they are working through stuff so much worse than mine. I try to write, to draw, to find outlets for my building anxiety, but sometimes it doesn’t work. You need someone to say that things are going to be alright. I try to do it for other people, but nothing in return. Comments telling me to ‘grow up’ or that ‘I am a lovely person’ are not really required. I just want someone to listen.

Not having someone to share issues with, is like a crushing weight. Something that you might be able to bear on good days, but on bad days it has you unable to even take one step. I’ll be honest, I am dealing with stuff better myself. I have been working very hard the last few months, trying to find ways to cope, small activities to try and lift my mood. But it doesn’t always work. Sometimes, things (2 friends changing plans on the same day), takes it’s toll. There is nothing to distract me from feeling that it is all my own fault. That I must be a really shitty person, that I get dropped at the first opportunity.

I try to optimistic on this blog. But sometimes, that just isn’t how it works. It’s hard to be optimistic, when you think you have reached a benchmark, made a break through, and then you go back to square one. And it is a lonely place. A horrible place. But time tells me, that carrying on makes me feel better. At some point. Might be a day, a week or a month away. And that is something to aim for. But, there is also a sense of dread, because I will feel like this again. I will be crying over nothing. Until things change, and I make things better.

But, what’s the point?

Unsocial Media

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I am going through a strange time with my relationship with the internet. For years, since I started blogging, I have found myself thinking more about what goes on when one posts things online. It has always been something, that has felt like a huge sense of relief for me, but recently, that hasn’t been the case.

When I post something, it has been done because it is personal to me. There has been some thought in my head, which has made me want to communicate how I feel about a certain something. It has always proved as being a very therapeutic way of organising my thoughts, and has previously helped relieve a lot of stress, so I can focus on other things. But, recently, I have found that what I post has been getting negative comments. As if I post personal things because I want attention. As silly as it sounds, attention is the last thing that I have on my mind. I have found before, that by sharing my own experiences, other people can sometimes feel not quite so alone. Because when you are experiencing difficulties in your life, it is easy to feel completely alienated from those around you. So, when you read about someone feeling as bad as you are, it can be quite comforting. In fact, when I was struggling with depression, it was reading blogs and online forums that helped encourage me to get help. So to me, social media is fantastic, because it can help people get the support that they may not have the courage to get from those around us.

Recently, I decided to do a major life change, and try to change my eating habits, I joined weight watchers. Something I have never done before, but felt encouraged to do so, by checking out fitness forums and things. On these sites, there are a lot of help points, to try and help you get motivated.  One of the points was keeping a foodlog. By posting photos of food on instagram and Tumblr, it reaches the online community, which can support you in your efforts. Seeing how sharing online has helped me before, I thought that this would be an excellent way to keep note on what I am eating. As if I feel too embarrassed to post about something I want to eat, then it is a sign that I shouldn’t be eating it. To me, this makes sense. I have a habit of eating without thinking about it very much, most of the time, I am not even hungry.

This sounds a very postive change, right?

The biggest social network is Facebook. Where people seem to take offence if you post something personal to you. Particularly, as with depression, it can come in cycles, people start complaining that it is done for attention. So when it is something personal, these off-hand remarks from supposed friends, hurt. The same thing happens when I started posting about photographing food. I am called names because to these people, food isn’t something that is deserving of their Facebook feed. Because, if you didn’t know, Facebook is exclusively for stolen memes, game requests, pictures of children and drunken nights out. People are very intolerant of Facebook. I believe this may be because some of the people ‘friends’ with you on there, aren’t really your friends, they just want to spy on those that they shared a college class with once. On every other website, if someone doesn’t like what you post, they unfollow. For some reason, that doesn’t happen on Facebook, people just post vague complaints about the content posted by folk they follow. It’s laughable, really.

With the bad experience with Facebook, I stepped back. Because speaking about any of my feelings is still so hard, to have it treated so harshly is horrible. So, I took it time to think about it. These comments that people post, are about that person’s hang-ups, and they reflect more on that person than they do me. I also have to try and toughen up, and that I have conviction to write something, then I should stand by it 100%.

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

It’s hard to believe that’s another year behind us. I feel like the last few years have gone too fast, and I barely have had the chance to catch my breath. Saying that, I am glad 2013 is over with, because it was a bad year. Well, not awful, but I really struggled through the year, and actually experienced some of my lowest periods than I have for a long time.

But, I got through it, and managed through the year, as hard as it appeared sometimes. And the cliched thing to do at this time of the year is to close that chapter of one’s life, and plan for the year ahead. I am not normally the type of person to do that, but it feels very theraputic for me not to focus on what happened in 2013. Because, if I’m honest, I know that I will focus on the bad stuff that happened. So, looking ahead to all the changes I could make, and how it can positively change my life. So, I have made a few aims, to change things for my life.

1) Eat healthier. I am not talking about diets, and quick fixes. I want to change my attitude on food, not just lose weight. I need to cut down on the sugary drinks and fatty snacks. I have read for years that bad fats and too much sugar can make you lethargic. In my job, I need as much energy as possible, because I am on my feet all day, and I simply can’t eat when I feel like it. So, I need to make sure I am eating the right foods, so that I am not bloated either. My plan initially is to cut down on the sugary drinks, and see what happens. One step at a time.

2)Be a better friend. I feel that I have been stuck in my own head for most of last year. And as a result, I haven’t been very good at returning messages or meeting up with friends. I wouldn’t be here today if it wasn’t for my friends, so I feel like I owe them a lot. As such, I feel super guilty that I haven’t been there for people as much as I should have been. I have always had this guilt that was created because I felt guilty about ‘forcing’ myself on people, particularly because folk have their own issues. I want to push my own conclusions out of my head. All I can do is check in with folk and try to meet up with people. If people don’t get back, or decline an invitation, it’s their choice, it has not indication on what kind of person I am.

3)Get out and enjoy more live music. 2013 was a rather uninspiring year for gigs. I have been to see bands locally, but that’s about it. I have made the excuse of having no money, and never ventured out of the house. Live music is one of the great passions of my life, and I am guilty of not seeing as much as I want. This year, I am going to go out and see bands, weekly hopefully. Even if it means I am drinking water, so that I can pay a few quid for entry to see a few bands play in Edinburgh. The joy of seeing live music is worth it. If I plan gigs and events to go to, it makes it easier to deal with the bad days, because I’ll have something to look forward to.

So that is it. They are just three wee things, made up of regrets from the last year. I think that if you want to change, you should focus on the things that you are most disappointed with yourself about. Mostly, because negativity can be used to drive you so far. Regardless how it ends up, I aim to make the best out of what ever happens this year. And I hope that all my readers have a fantastic 2014.

A Friend of Mine Just Found My Old Youtube Channel.

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

The Youtube channel I can no longer access, due to some reason or other. Basically I did loads of vlogs and videos and it’s now closed off. I tried to fix it, but it was easier to start a new channel.  So I did.

But the old channel and it’s videos are still up, and someone I went to school with found it, and emailed me about it. I wish what she said was complimentary. But she effectively told me to step away from a computer and not make vlogs because it indicates I have ‘no friends or a life’. It was nice.

I am fairly tolerant to people who smirk when I say I like to post vlogs. All I think is ‘well, they don’t know what they’re talking about’. Which is true. To make a valid comment on a particular subject, you do need to have at least some experience on the subject. So, I didn’t take it too seriously.

Then I realised I know noone else who posts videos on youtube, and that made me feel special. The kind of special I feel may be different, depending on how you look at people who make Vlogs and express a lot on the internet. And when I say express, I don’t mean that you post a daily status update on Facebook. So I do put a lot of myself into making videos, running forums and obviously blogging. And because of this, they are all very personal to me. And to have someone who I have not spoken to for YEARS, berate what I love did hurt.

Anyways. My new Youtube channel can be found here. I have today uploaded 2 videos from Rebellion Festival, which I went to at the start of August. The videos are of two bands, Septic Psychos and Strawberry Blondes. I had no camera for the rest of the festival, because my battery died on my first day.

Aight!!

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Going to go out today to take some photos.

I am working a couple of hours extra today, and would like to do something with my day, other than just work. So, heading to bank as I need to find out information to get my PayPal account verified. So I’ll get that done today, and then I have a few clients that can pay me via PayPal, seeing as they don’t want to deal bank-to-bank.

The headaches of doing things for people and them not wanting to pay. It’s like people expect me do give them free things, just out of the kindness of my heart. I mean, I can give things away to an extent, but not to the organising 40 flashbook pages for a business that is already doing well. Considering all the images had to be cleaned up, some re-sketched, and categorised, it was a lot of work to expected as a freebie. I did say a tattoo would be adequate payment, but they didn’t like that idea. -.-

So, I’m using it as an excuse to head up into town, take some pictures, and buy nothing. Because I am still broke. :S Still, it’s better than sitting around here all day. Doing nothing. Well till 3pm, considering that’s when I start work. I may continue to do nothing at work, but, sssshhhhhh, don’t tell anyone.

As you can tell, I am in a random mood today, possibly made possible, because I can say that I should be seeing GC at the flipside of this weekend. If you don’t know that GC is Good Charlotte, and are my absolute favourite band in the world, then :P. It has to be said that Good Charlotte fans (the GCfam) are awesome and are some of my best friends. I have had a lot of ‘inner problems’ in the last few weeks, mostly over-stress, and they are the best support ever.

 

 

Harry Potter And The Blabberings Of Sue

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I decided to do a vlog on Harry Potter.
Mostly because I am reading Deathly Hallows before I go see the new movie. 🙂

So, why am I fangirling on here again? Well, Harry Potter has the biggest online fan communitiy on the web. And I am not kidding. A lot of my interests in youtube come from the Harry Potter Fandom, as I used to watch channels all the time from other people on the community. Youtube has helped raise my confidence a lot, and it has also gave me experience at making my own videos.

So, the thanks for all that, goes to Harry Potter. Also, I think, that if you are having issues, then I think that it helps that you can talk it through with different people. I have people who I go out with, people I work, HP people and GCFam members. Each different group tends to have different veiws on things. I think that is really good, and helps you gage opinions better.

And honestly, these days, most of the people I speak to online, I have never met in real life. But I feel more understood than I ever have done before.

Busy Busy

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

So I am working the next few weeks to try and get some more money. Try being the main word considering most of the ‘extra’ gets taxed of me. -.-

Other than that been pretty lazy. I have back ache, which I’ve had for a few weeks. So I have been acting like a bit of an invalid.

Meet Honey the hamster. She belongs to my sister, but I think she is adorable.

friends forever

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I probably haven’t done anything that would warrant me needing a relaxing day, I am still going to have one.

Feel very satisfied right now with the friendships I have. Friends are some of the most important people in someone’s life. They motivate you, can make you laugh, make you cry, make you feel good about yourself, and most of all, they make you feel supported. As people grow older, friendships change, but you know that even without contact, your friend still ‘has your back’.

Unlike family, you can chose your friends, and that is what makes them so special. You spend time with people you ‘click’ with. And that makes you happy.

And with the magic of the internet, person can contact more people who have similar personalities to them. Most of my online friends, I have met through Good Charlotte, either from websites or even from seeing GC live. These are girls who know me better than some of my real life friends.

But whether school, college, work or websites, its the people who we take with us on our life journey that really matter.

Mates come and go, true friends are there for life.