Tag: change

Gym Bunny

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Today marked my first gym visit of 2017. I had a wee break at the tail end of last year, with the busy period at my work, and then Christmas. I can honestly say, that I missed the good feeling that I get from an hour or so working out. It is almost like I can be a different person, a less stressed, happier person.

I started going to the gym in May last year, after my work advertised a good deal with the local leisure center trust. There was no contract, so I thought I would try it out. I have wanted to go to the gym for years, but I was so scared. I am not the smallest of people, weight wise, I never have been, so I was really nervous about going to the gym. I think I always thought that people would be mean, like what I have experienced at other places. Something that has made me feel so stupid, and useless before. Total strangers thinking it is okay to berate me as they pass, because I am overweight. Not a nice feeling.

But, I pushed through my negative feelings for a change. And I went. And I discovered that there were people, just like me, using the facilities. Sounds stupid, but I think it is easy to assume that the only people who use gyms and such, are people who are already fit. Which is not true. It is people who want to better themselves, whatever their physical state. And, when I started exercising, I felt so much better. It felt like, all those anxieties that I felt upon initially walking into the gym, just went away. It was like a massive weight had been lifted from my shoulders. It was an addictive feeling, and I started to go regular. I would spent time at the gym on my days off, and it really effected my mood.

I have been a wee bit stressed out this week, so I thought that I would take the opportunity with my quiet weekend, to get back into the gym. So I went today, and that great feeling came rushing back to me. Which has been a real boost to keep on track with my plans for the year, and forming new habits. Although, doing exercise was initially to get me fitter, it has been the improvement in my mental health that has kept me so interested. The shift of my goal from weight-loss to focusing on feeling better, was a game changer. It also meant that when I didn’t lose as much weight as I wanted, I wasn’t disheartened. To be able to commit to things better, like I am aiming for 2017, I need to shift perspective on my goals. Hopefully I can figure out a way to do that.

One Word Answer

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Happy New Year. I hope every reader has a good start to 2017. Although, it really doesn’t feel like we should be on a new year already. Time, as they say, does certainly fly.

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The start of a new year is a perfect opportunity to start afresh. To set some goals, in the hope to gain something out of the next 12 months ahead. It is a natural point where we can try to plan for the future. Almost like a fresh start. But, in reality there is more than just one fresh start a year, and by thinking that there is, so many people are doomed to fail in whatever dreams they have for the year before it even starts. But there are so many opportunities to start new things, to have a fresh start, throughout the year. Every day is a chance to make that day better than yesterday. Close the door on what happened yesterday, as there is nothing you can do for what has already happened, and focus on today.

I always do better if I make general goals for what I want in the year. As I have said previously, my aim for 2016 was to make it better than 2015, and it was. By quite a lot. And I think that was because I lived my life more day-by-day, and it made it a lot easier to focus on the positive stuff. As the bad stuff used to just ‘overhang’ over me. It took a long time, but it has made me feel better.

So this year, in 2017, I thought about what I want to achieve for the year. And most of it is things like to read more or fill a sketch book for the year. Which, considering I have struggled with productivity over the last few years. So, that influenced my overall goal for the year. Just one word. COMMIT. Anything I am going to do, I have to put all my energy into it, and keep going. However, if there is anything that I cannot fully commit to, then I leave it. I am not getting any younger. No point in wasting time on things that I can’t even spend attention on.

It is all baby steps, so I don’t expect everything straight away. But, if I can start focusing on things, I might just make progress. And that is all anyone should ever want for a new year. Progress.

So Long 2016

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Everywhere I look, there are people condemning this past year . Blaming the high number of celebrity deaths, terrorist attacks and political changes on 2016. Which is crazy. Yes, bad stuff has happened, but bad things always happen. The 24 hour news coverage has been very good at showing us bulletins with no ‘good news’ story.

Well, I am going against the common ‘2016 is shit’ thoughts, and think that this year has been one of the best year I have had in a very long time. Which fits in with my main aim for the year, to make 2016 better than 2015. 

The big thing was my mental health. I took a step back from a lot of things, like relationships, trying to work on illustrating things and oversharing online. I spent time think about my anxiety and what happened when I had panic attacks. I started the process in 2015, but I feel like I came a long way in 2016. I still have panic attacks and things,  but there is a lesser chance of them ruining my day or week. Although I have still got a lot of work to do on my mental health, I feel like a huge weight has been lifted already. 

This has given me more confidence. For the first time since I started at my work, I put myself forward for being an instructor, which is showing people how to do the job. I gave tours of the warehouse I work to large groups of new starts. I joined a group of associates which tries to make things better for everyone at my work. It feels like I can make a difference and help people. It feels good doing things I would never have done before. I feel like, for once in my life, I actually have a place somewhere that fits. 

I also decided at the start of the year that I would try to learn to drive again. I had driving lessons when I was younger, but the lessons went on for too long and I lost my confidence. So I started my lessons again, and it went a lot better. In the summer I passed my theory test, and in November I passed my practical. Driving felt like something that was sitting in the background, just another thing I didn’t finish. But now, it’s done. I passed, I just need to get a car now. 

So yes, 2016 has been a successful year for me. It has still had it’s bad points, don’t get me wrong, but I am not giving that my time. I am focusing on the ‘good stuff’. And it really helps. I can’t remember the last time where I sat at New Year, and felt happy about the previous 12 months. It’s a long overdue change. 

Positive Change

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

So we are in February already. Usually the quick passing of time gets me quite depressed, but not at the moment. I feel like 2016 has got off to a fantastic start so far. Even with the few road bumps that have occurred.

I feel like I have always been quite open in here, as I have attempted to deal with the mental health issues that I experience. I spent 2015 trying to learn how to deal with bad stuff that happened to me. The biggest problem, is that for years I have struggled at looking past anything negative. I was upset about things that had happened, and worried about things that could have happened in the future. It’s really so stressful.

So, I have put a lot of effort into try to focus all my energy on making every day, better that the day before. Which is hard, almost like re-training yourself. Which is hard, because it sometimes feels like society trains us to be overly negative, just by the tone everything is. Sometimes, it feels like we are expected to be overly critical of ourselves, something that starts at school. We are taught, or I feel like I was, that I could work my arse off, but sometimes it wasn’t good enough. And, I think that has bred the anxiety that has caused me issues as I’ve grown up.

But, by focusing on now, and doing the things that satisfy me, I have been a lot happier. If something bad happens, I’ll still feel bad about it, but I’ll also do something that makes me happier. This helps move my focus on from what is negative. And by that simple thing of changing my focus, I stop thinking about whatever bad thing has happened.

I talk about it a little more in the video below

Counting Steps

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

In a bid to get healthier, I am recording what I eat as well as monitoring my physical activity. The aim of this is to record when I am doing well, to try and spurn me on to do more. Whilst this all sounds great, it doesn’t necessarily work out like that. I have a habit of being inspired for a few days, and then falling down a bit, which happens. The problem is, that you can see this on your fitness tracker, and it can sometimes have the opposite effect. It can make any lack of activity look a lot bigger and more important, than what it actually is.

I have a Fitbit Charge, which is like a watch. It shows time, steps taken, distance walked, and flights of stairs climbed. If I am active, like at work or walking round the coast, it is very useful. It is something I would recommend to people looking to become more active, but don’t take the data too seriously. It can be very easy to be discouraged if you don’t hit target. It is something that happens, whilst it is nice to aim for 10,000 steps a day, you should beat yourself up if you don’t reach your target.

I walk an average of 15-18000 steps a day when I am working. And if I have my fitbit on, it uses a LOT of the battery, purely because I am doing a lot of activity. Now, the Charge is supposed to last up to 3 days on a single charge, which doesn’t happen. In fact, I the Charge will last till the end of the day. This means, that if you want to use it for monitoring your sleep (another function of the product), you wouldn’t be able to have a heavily active day before or after the night you use it. But, as I write this I have realised something, a lot of people maybe don’t use it as a watch that they wear all day. Fortunately I charge my Fitbit overnight, and wear it all day at work. Unless I forget to charge it, or lose the charger (both happen frequently), and then I will go without.

Overall, I would recommend the Fitbit or any fitness tracker for anyone who is looking become more active. The biggest thing I would say that is a challenge about using a fitness tracker to improve your health is finding routine. Like every change really. If you are unorganised, like me, it may take you a while to remember to wear your device every day. But, I has made me more active, I love walking, and the fitbit helps give me aims about it. If you are unsure whether a fitness tracker is right for you, there are many apps available for mobile phones, which also work quite well. That’s what I did first, to see if I found that kind of thing useful, and i obviously did.

Does anyone else use apps and devices to track their activity and is it working?

Just Keep Swimming…

~ Sue ~ 2 Comments

So the other day, I wrote an entry on here, which was probably the most personal thing I have written on here in a long time. I was emotional, and was rambling A LOT. But it was honest, and that is what I am trying to be a bit more of. More honest with myself, about how I feel and telling people how I feel. These are things that I struggle with. Which is why blogging is something that helps me so much. I can try and think about what’s in my head, and be honest about it, without imposing it on the folks around me. I mean, people have their own stuff to deal with, they don’t need my pedantic rubbish forced on them.

Anyways, after posting my blog on Monday, I just went to bed. I had been crying a lot, and that makes me tired. Plus, I was sick of Monday, by that point, I just wanted it to go away. So, I went to bed and fell asleep pretty quick. Which was probably the best way to deal with feeling that crap. Because if I sit after feeling like that, I can start to feel worse. I could be sitting watching TV, but my brain has different ideas and seems to just make me feel worse. So, I expressed all the negativity, and then just attempted to switch off from the world. I am actually surprised that it worked, to be honest. Just close the day off, as a disaster.

On Tuesday when I woke up, I didn’t want the day to become another mess, so I just wrote myself a to-do list and focused on each bit one by one. I had a plan, and felt focused. There was nothing else I could do about how I felt the day before, so I attempted to make Tuesday better than Monday was. Usually, this kind of thing doesn’t work, and I end up dwelling on whatever negativity has happened before. But, before I could back out, I put on a 90s pop playlist on Spotify and before I knew it, I was tidying up whilst dancing to Faithless and Britney Spears. And I became so determined, that by the end of the day, all the rubbish I have been hoarding for years was in rubbish bags, and the floor had even been hoovered. Sounds like nothing, but I have been needing to do that for months.

I was so upset on Monday, because I felt like all that planning to positive in 2016 had crumbled at the very first obstacle. But, that ended up not being the main focus, for myself. It is that I moved on from it, and then had a successful and productive day. And it gave me a bit of hope for the next year ahead. Maybe I won’t do everything I aim to do, I am not perfect. But, if I can learn how to cope with the failures,in a manner like I did this week, then maybe 2016 will be better than 2015.

Just have to have faith in myself.

New Year, New Me? 

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Maybe not. 

Not that there is anything wrong with trying to better yourself. I think that every new day is another opportunity the better yourself and make the day better than yesterday. It is good that people use the start of a new year, as a perfect way too try and set any plans in motion. And it is easy to see why so many people do it. 

Personally, I know that I have a high failure rate when I have made New Year’s resolutions previously. I will maybe do okay for a few days or, if lucky, a few weeks. But, then, I lose focus, slip up, lose all momentum, and then quit. It’s not because of the task itself, I think it’s because of the build up and putting myself under so much pressure to succeed. Add into the mix that I have quite a bad fear of failure, there is only one way things tend to go. 

So, I am trying to take one day at a time, rather than generalising the whole year. It makes things a bit easier for me to deal with, as the periods of time I try to make better, are a lot smaller. And, if I do slip up, it’s only one day. There is a new one tomorrow, and that one will be better. At least I hope that is the case. I have been trying to eat a bit healthier, and that is something that I find easier taking one day at a time. Mostly, because I try to plan a week in advance and I just go eat some crisps instead. 

I love the metaphor that the start of a new year is a start of a new book, I like to think that every day is a different page of that book. That helps me visualise where I am on a certain day, and the idea is of turning the page away from a bad day is soothing to me. I don’t know why. It does help my anxiety levels, as I feel more in control.

As long as people are trying to better themselves, any attempts should be applauded. Whatever the success rate. 

Let It Be 

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Today I got really angry about something I had no control over. If things don’t ever go the way I plan, I get really irritable. I don’t like blaming other people for why things go wrong, when I can blame myself. Which sounds silly, but that is how my brain works. 

But… things need to change.

It is not good for a person to believe that, every success and failure in the world around them, is entirely their fault. But that’s what anxiety does to me. And the worst thing is, that like all mental health issues, there is no quick fix. You have to spend time ‘re-training’ yourself, to change how you think about things. And that can seem the impossible task.

Maybe, a good idea, is trying to relax a bit more. Make sure that everything I do is the best I can do. Whatever happens around me, doesn’t really matter. Not when noticing ‘that’ makes me so aggitated. I have to try and learn that what happens happens, I can only do what I can. And if what I do is the best I can achieve, then there is no need to be angry if things don’t work out. 

Deep breaths and visions of a calm blue ocean are required I think. 

Happy Blogmas

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

It is the first of December, which is giving me a reason to try a new challenge. And that is to try and blog every day in the run up to Christmas. 

This is a thing which has been occurring online for the last several years, with both bloggers and vloggers (video bloggers) taking on the challenge to create new content every day in the run up to Christmas. Everyone who I’ve spoken to, seems to have enjoyed taking part in the challenge previously, so I thought I’d give it a shot. 

Why?

Well, when I look back at 2015, I don’t feel that I have achieved too much. It feels like just another year where I have become overpowered with lack of inspiration and motivation. It’s been a bit of a damp squib, if I were to be completely honest. So, I thought that rather than just complain about failing ‘everything’, that I would give 2015 an opportunity to go out on a high note. 

I have struggled all year with writing, drawing, everything. And that really gets me down. But, I am still here, and up for turning things around.

So, wish me luck. 

Change For Life?

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

For as long as I can remember I have always been on the heavier side of life. When I was little I was always told I looked like a wee rugby player, something that never bothered me at the time, because I quite liked rugby. As I got older, the comments got a bit harsher. All comments made towards me, seemed to be about my weight. Something that I did my best to ignore, I was fairly active (so I told myself) so I couldn’t be that fat. I ignored it, and invested my time in doing what I wanted, eating what I wanted and enjoying myself. Which there is nothing wrong with, the problem is knowing where to stop. I didn’t.

When I was at school I got my first job, a paper round that gave me less than a £5 a week. Wasn’t a lot, but it was my money. I spent it on magazines and crap food. I’d quite happily spend my hard earned money on multipacks of 6 packs crisps, which I’d sometimes eat in one day. It gave me a sense of control, which was needed as school, something I was always good at, started to go downhill. I was struggling, and all my friends seemed fine. Eating would take my mind off thinking about being a failure, and I didn’t have to bother anyone. As I have got older, food has been there out of habit. When there was something I couldn’t talk about that was bothering me, I’d scoff junk food and wash it down with fizzy juice. And the more money I have, the more junk I buy.

Why am I saying all this? Well, I was watching a health program last night, where people were weighing themselves to see how overweight they were. Now, I have weighed myself fairly inconsistently over the last 6 months or so, but the numbers were numbers, and I made no real connection with it. I mean, what has a kilo done for me? But I was intrigued and weighed myself, to see what ‘weight class’ I came in. At 5 foot 2, I weigh 103 kg.That makes me OBESE. It’s kind of slapped me in the face a bit. I knew I was fat, always chubby, but never thought obese. After a cry to myself, I spent last night browsing the effects of obesity, and what it does to your body. Well, two things were highlighted straight away to me. First, obesity can cause muscle pain and inflammation, something I have dealt with FOR YEARS. Secondly, a bad diet can have detrimental effects on your body’s ability to fight bugs, and the bad stuff. I have been suffering with various illnesses over the last 6 months, which could have something to do with a poor immune system.

As a bigger girl, I have always been against a certain figure being the aim for every woman out there. Every person has their own shape. And that’s okay. But, the moment your body starts rebelling against whatever life choices you have made, you should listen and change few things. And that’s all I want to do, change a few things. My body isn’t very happy. I have the complaints of joint pain and a cough that just won’t leave, and I also have no energy after a shift at work. It’s getting to the stage that I feel like I am missing out on life, because I can’t be bothered doing anything. And of course my anxiety then jumps in, and convinces me that if I can’t be bothered with myself, why should anyone else. And that is how I devour several packets of crisps instead.

What if losing weight does help my health issues, like my mental health? I know it won’t solve every problem, but maybe it could make things easier. I just haven’t been able to relax since I read about being obese. It’s no one’s fault but my own, I accept that. So if I am to try and fix it, I need to take full ownership in that too. I am back using the Weight Watcher online tracker, and going to see how that works.

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I wanted to talk about this on here, as this blog has been a good way of helping me through problems previously. So because this has been something stuck in my head, I thought I’d write about. Hopefully documenting my feelings in such a way will help keep me moving. Fingers crossed, and I’ll try and write down any progress or issues I am having.