Understanding the brain

I have been recently trying to understand how my brain works.

I don’t mean, reading up on biology. I mean, trying to understand why I think the way I do. Because, as much as I don’t want to admit it, my thoughts don’t seem to be settled much in reality. Rationality is not something that normally happens in my head.

I have this constant fear that I have upset someone. That I have been rude, unintentionally. When I am trying to be factual, I just come across as rude. Then, people stop speaking to me. And I feel horrible, because I wasn’t trying to be offensive to the person, it just came off that way.

I have had mental health problems for years. Struggled with anxiety and depression since I was at High School, over 20 years ago. Appointments with countless doctors, a library’s worth of pamphlets, and therapy session, hasn’t fixed anything. I learned how to deal with anxiety and depression when it happens, but no resolution. I then feel guilty, because maybe I did something to stop all the things from working. It’s my fault.

A recent conversation with a doctor, suggested the possibility of my mental health struggles being an end result, that maybe it was how things are processed that is the problem. And that if I with that, maybe the mental stuff will improve. But, with appointments thin on the ground, I feel stuck. I resort to looking online, but online health sites can be dangerous, and filled with mis-information. So, I have always been skeptical about going searching about health stuff.

It’s pretty difficult. I finding more question, but yet to find any answers.

Pressure

There is a building pressure, in my head.

It is accompanied by a dull ache, in my forehead.

It’s normally caused by anxiety.

The stress that I am not good enough.

I never feel good enough.

It happens when I have a chance to think.

When work slows down, and the cogs in my brain start whirring.

Every action, every word said, is scrutinised.

I can’t run away, the voice in my head just gets louder.

Drink water will help.

Eat something, suggests people who mean well.

I try to hold it together.

I want to hide away, but that’s not always possible.

I need to find an activity.

Give myself something to do.

And the stress, and the headache, fades away.

Radio Static

There is a constant chittering of noise in my brain. Some would call it ‘white noise’, the kind of noise that allows for intense focus. Except, the racket rattling around inside my head is so loud that it doesn’t allow for any type of focus at all. Which in itself is a headache, especially when you require focus.

When I was younger I used music to drown out the nonsense. The internal monologues that berated every action I undertook, and it was exhausting. So sometimes it became easier to avoid things, to bury my head in the sand. If everything I did was so bad, then why do anything at all. But, this didn’t fix anything. I felt as big a failure in my bed, as I did at my job. It didn’t matter what was going on in my life, I was never able to silence that ‘inner critic’.

To get past this overly critical thing, you have to re-train your brain and how you think. And that is what I have been trying to do over the last few years. Whilst, I am a lot more productive than what I used to be, I still have a very long way be able to believe in myself and what I do 100%. My mental health is still up and down, in general, but I am taking steps to make it better. And that is all that a person can do really. Battle to find an alternative to the static.


Start Again.

So, it’s the start of yet another week, and almost on to the third month of the year. :S Does anyone know how I can slow time down a little, it seems to be going way too fast.

I don’t think that it’s helped with the fact, that because with my current financial woes, I have been wishing for payday. Something which is becoming a common occurence, I may add. But, it feels like I am wishing all my time away. It’s a nightmare that I have fallen into that pattern, where I am always looking to something else. It helps me get through my ‘bad days’, but it means that I am wishing my time away, and don’t enjoy life as much as I should.

I don’t know if this is a common thing, but I can’t help but feel like a bit of a waste of space. Mostly because I am not focusing on the here and now, which isn’t really dealing with anything. It’s like, ‘ignore problems and focus on something else’. Yeah it stops you feeling weighed down by stuff, but it doesn’t actually deal with what is causing me to feel so bad in the first place.

And even when I have a good day, I feel like I am walking on eggshells, until I mess up. It’s like I am waiting for something to go wrong. I mean, I do the best I can, but it never feels good enough. So I create these targets I aim for, like going to a gig or something, and I focus on that, and ignore my insecurities. Well, I can’t ignore them completely, as they will always be there, but I can put my worries to the back of mind.

Despite how good this is at the time, I don’t think it is very good in the long-term. *sigh*