Plodding On

Sorry about the lack of updates over the last few weeks. As I explained in my previous post, I have been struggling with anxiety recently. It is different to when I have bad bouts of depression, as I talking about what negativity going on in my head actually helps ease the stress I feel because of it. However, with anxiety, I feel the absolute opposite. The more I think about what is causing me to panic, even just to blog about it, the more I actually panic.

It has become a problem, because I feel I am only now getting to grips with my depression, and now there is another hurdle. It’s not that anxiety wasn’t there before, it’s just depression kind of takes over everything. Like, your head is in such a fog because of the depression, that whilst anxiety did happen, there was no reason for it. But as my mind has become clearer, especially over the last few months, my anxiety has gone up. And it is a very hard thing to manage. Sometimes it feels never-ending, like you deal with one thing, for another to come up and hit you for six.

I have worked through my previous mental health issues, by writing about it. It has always helped. But with anxiety, when I think about what has maybe triggered me during a day, I can feel myself panicking all over again. And it can take hours for me to calm back down and stop crying.

I am trying to work through it. If I experience something that triggers my anxiety, I try to leave that situation. Which has meant, that because I have been having panic attacks near enough every day, I haven’t even wanted to write anything. I couldn’t face even thinking about what was going on in my life, so I didn’t didn’t even attempt to blog at all. It is not a nice feeling, being unable to rely on the one thing that has helped me through all my mental health issues. But, as with everything else, I will find away through it.

My focus is on the gym and getting fitter. It has helped my depression a lot, but I am finding it is helping me get a clearer mind. And, whilst I am still having a lot of anxiety issues, I have a clearer mind to deal with it. It means that if I get that feeling in my stomach when my heart starts thumping, I know I need to try and get away from what is making me feel like that. Clarity of mind, really does help me recognise the signs of an up coming panic attack. Maybe things will get easier, if I stay focused.

Frustration

What do you do when you have no motivation? When you can’t find the energy to do anything?

It is something that happens a lot, and when I speak to others, it happens to them too. It is frustrating, something that annoys me a lot. Because I have all these things in my head, but I just can’t process these thoughts into anything substantial. Because of these issues, I feel stifled, almost suffocated. Whether it has been a traditional diary, or writing an online blog, I have written my way through any problems life has thrown at me.

So, as a way to try and pull myself out of whatever ‘funk’ I have been festering in, I am forcing myself to write something. Because that is how we get through life, by being a trouper and carrying on through the shit. It doesn’t sound like much, but the only way that a person can truly get over something  is to force their way through. I have tried ignoring things before, as I have done the last few weeks, and as I said earlier, it really doesn’t work.

But I guess that is a lesson that I have learnt as I have got older. Something that has come from experience of trying to run away from my problems. Whilst ignoring stuff may seem like a solution, it is only temporary. The problems that you avoid, will always come back around for you, and sometimes it is worse than if you had dealt with it at the first opportunity. The quicker that things are dealt with, the less a problem they are in the long run. And, with something like productivity, once you have jumped back on that old bandwagon, it is a lot easier to keep going.

Socially Over-networked

The problem with trying to create a lot of content online, is that sometimes it can get too much. Motivation, as well as inspiration, can disappear. Which is great. Particularly when you try to give yourself a target, such as I have, where I am trying to write every day. This means that things can become too forced, to the stage that writing is something that I really don’t enjoy anymore. I know this, because it has happened to me before. And, because I also like drawing, my ‘creative slump’ can also effect that, and that is my manner in dealing with stress out of the window. Annoying.

That is why I have been quiet on here for a few days. I thought I’d take some time out, which isn’t a bad thing. That is a new thing I am learning, knowing when to take a step back. Because I haven’t before, and it’s caused me to completely stress out. Which is the total opposite to what I want writing to be for me. Because, it is something that helps me chill out and organise the nonsense in my head. To the point that I don’t know what I’d do without it. I think I feel suffocated, which is bizarre because it’s just rambling online, really.

But, the internet has become something that has taken over our entire lives. There is not a day that goes by, where we don’t use the internet for something. Even if I locked my phone and laptop away, just doing my job at work involves network connections that use the internet. Nothing would work, in fact, my job wouldn’t even exist. And that is quite scary. But, however scary it appears to be, it still doesn’t mean anything compared to actual experience of dealing with real people. And as real people, ourselves, we should never forget about the way we feel. Sometimes, it is too easy to be dragged into some battle on facebook or Twitter over something that doesn’t even matter. Whilst, I know I try to shrug things like that off, it is not always that easy. The best thing is, realise when things start to bother you, and try to take yourself out of such situations when they arise. That is a good thing about the internet, there is always a block button.

Sometimes, I wish real life had a block button.

 

 

Just Keep Swimming…

So the other day, I wrote an entry on here, which was probably the most personal thing I have written on here in a long time. I was emotional, and was rambling A LOT. But it was honest, and that is what I am trying to be a bit more of. More honest with myself, about how I feel and telling people how I feel. These are things that I struggle with. Which is why blogging is something that helps me so much. I can try and think about what’s in my head, and be honest about it, without imposing it on the folks around me. I mean, people have their own stuff to deal with, they don’t need my pedantic rubbish forced on them.

Anyways, after posting my blog on Monday, I just went to bed. I had been crying a lot, and that makes me tired. Plus, I was sick of Monday, by that point, I just wanted it to go away. So, I went to bed and fell asleep pretty quick. Which was probably the best way to deal with feeling that crap. Because if I sit after feeling like that, I can start to feel worse. I could be sitting watching TV, but my brain has different ideas and seems to just make me feel worse. So, I expressed all the negativity, and then just attempted to switch off from the world. I am actually surprised that it worked, to be honest. Just close the day off, as a disaster.

On Tuesday when I woke up, I didn’t want the day to become another mess, so I just wrote myself a to-do list and focused on each bit one by one. I had a plan, and felt focused. There was nothing else I could do about how I felt the day before, so I attempted to make Tuesday better than Monday was. Usually, this kind of thing doesn’t work, and I end up dwelling on whatever negativity has happened before. But, before I could back out, I put on a 90s pop playlist on Spotify and before I knew it, I was tidying up whilst dancing to Faithless and Britney Spears. And I became so determined, that by the end of the day, all the rubbish I have been hoarding for years was in rubbish bags, and the floor had even been hoovered. Sounds like nothing, but I have been needing to do that for months.

I was so upset on Monday, because I felt like all that planning to positive in 2016 had crumbled at the very first obstacle. But, that ended up not being the main focus, for myself. It is that I moved on from it, and then had a successful and productive day. And it gave me a bit of hope for the next year ahead. Maybe I won’t do everything I aim to do, I am not perfect. But, if I can learn how to cope with the failures,in a manner like I did this week, then maybe 2016 will be better than 2015.

Just have to have faith in myself.

Happy Blogmas

It is the first of December, which is giving me a reason to try a new challenge. And that is to try and blog every day in the run up to Christmas. 

This is a thing which has been occurring online for the last several years, with both bloggers and vloggers (video bloggers) taking on the challenge to create new content every day in the run up to Christmas. Everyone who I’ve spoken to, seems to have enjoyed taking part in the challenge previously, so I thought I’d give it a shot. 

Why?

Well, when I look back at 2015, I don’t feel that I have achieved too much. It feels like just another year where I have become overpowered with lack of inspiration and motivation. It’s been a bit of a damp squib, if I were to be completely honest. So, I thought that rather than just complain about failing ‘everything’, that I would give 2015 an opportunity to go out on a high note. 

I have struggled all year with writing, drawing, everything. And that really gets me down. But, I am still here, and up for turning things around.

So, wish me luck. 

Ball Of Sunshine

I am happy.

For the first time in a long time, I am enjoying a period where I am experiencing a few more ups than downs. It is great, and not something I am used to. I am singing and laughing every day, instead of moping and crying. It is rather freeing being upbeat, it is like I am bouncing around without a care in the world. Nothing is getting to me, and it is a strange feeling.

The issue is. When you build your whole ‘internet life’ on helping you de-stress, what do you do when you don’t need to? I don’t feel the need to rant about things that have went wrong, because for some reason it doesn’t seem to be bothering me. Talking about it, may end up jinxing it all, but I feel that I should try to talk about it. No matter how much of a struggle it is, just because I want this blog to show an honest portrayal of me, and I need to show that people with depression and anxiety do have periods of happiness. It may not happen often, but it does happen.

So where did this feeling of happiness come from?

Recently I have been doing a job that I enjoy at work. I feel like I have a purpose. I feel like I can share my experience of the last few years in the business helping those less experienced. I am also taking an engineering course through a collaboration between my work and a local college, which is interesting. And then I have signed up for a Creative Coding class, through FutureLearn, which also looks exciting. It is the most ‘forward thinking’ I have been in a long time, and the way I am feeling shows that. Nothing may come of all that is going on, but my mental health is glad for the break. So forgive me, as I revel in being genuinely happy.

Inspiration

It is important when you are creating original content regularly to have something that motivates you. Something that gets you into creating regular. I am one of those strange people, where it depends on my mood as to whether something motivates me or not. For instances, sometimes Netflix is perfect background noise to me doing my sketchbook. Other times, I’ll end up watching whatever is on my TV, and ignore whatever I intended to do. Sometimes music distracts me, that I need to work in silence, but most of the time music gets me pumped for work.

However, sometimes it helps to look around at other people’s output to get you creating. My list of blogs I read regular is getting bigger and bigger, and they do make me want to write for myself. Which is awesome. I try to read a variety of blogs, like technology, advice, music, books, fashion, gossip, anything really. The only thing I look for, is passion. The person has to really care about what they are writing about, so that a sense of honesty comes across in whatever they are trying so say. And, in turn, that becomes something that I wish to convey in my own blog. I hope that by reading this blog, that someone could get an idea of what I am like as a person. That’s the idea anyway. 

In the last year or two I have noticed that there are books and guides written on ‘how to make a successful blog’. I am guessing because keeping a blog is a really honest way break down boundaries between customers and businesses. But the whole idea of guides published by ‘experts’ no one has ever heard of is a bit vomit inducing, if you ask me. I am a person whose blog started as a way to express myself, so find the idea of people doing it for the sole purpose of making money as strange. I don’t get it. Pay £14.99 and have some guy try to tell you how to be successful in the blogging industry. That’s right, people think of it as an industry now. It’s strange.

But, prepare for shock as I reveal a slight contradiction, I have today a magazine on blogging. The difference I found in the magazine, Blogosphere, was that it wasn’t selling itself as a ‘complete guide’ or. ‘how to blog professionally’. It is sold as part of the blogging community, with articles written by various bloggers. Every member of the team producing this relatively new magazine has their own blog. There is a lovely straight forward casual tone to the magazine, rather than the teacher-student tone of a lot of the ‘how to’ guides.  I found it very similar to the blogs that I read every day, as upon reading it, I became very motivated to write this very blog.  

Do you create regular? How do you get motivation to do so? 

Blogosphere magazine is available at WH Smiths for £4.00 an issue every month. Alternatively visit http://www.blogospheremagazine.com for more information. 

Make The Best

I am always one to complain when I am feeling down. When my motivation has gone elsewhere, and all I want to do is sit and mope. When nothing gets done, and I feel useless. It is not a very nice feeling, and it is one that I seem to get a lot. It is hard to do anything past the essentials when you feel like that.

However, when you feel inspired and full of energy, it is important to utilise that. I am trying to do that today, although the issue is that I am inspired, but have no focus. So everything that I am doing really has no point. Which is okay sometimes. I think. Not everything has to be precise and tackling something in particular to mean something personally. Using the energy that I have today, is important. It means that my week has gotten off to a productive start, and that motivates me for the rest of the week.

That is the problem with a lot of bloggers, they do it to make money. I have never had that need, and always blogged as another way to express myself, as expression has helped me through mental health that I have experienced. As a result, I find that I do write quite a bit of nonsense. But that is okay with me. I enjoy reading other people’s nonsense and seeing how their minds work. I think what comes out when you don’t plan anything is more honest, and that is good for both the writer and reader.

Some may disagree with me, but hey, if I am inspired I will do something creative. And so should everyone.

Irritated

Nothing worse when you pour your heart into a blog post, only for it not to post. For the last day I was trying to post on WordPress, only to get an error message. Which was irritating. I saved the post to my drafts and took to trying to fix the app. 

The general advice for when mobile applications get iffy, is to delete and then re-install the app. The app started up again fine, but when I tried to find my previous post, it had vanished. Which was a pain, particularly seeing as it was a rather personal post that I really couldn’t bring myself to type up today. 

I am hearing that there is a few problems with WordPress apps right now, particularly with the most recent update. The advice is to try and sign out, and sign back in using your username instead of email address. If that fails, re-install the app, like I did. If you do have problems, WordPress Help are available on @wordpressdotcom and are very quick to answer. 

Blogging Helps

I have always been vocal about how writing has helped me get through my life. It has been useful to write about my feelings rather than pile it on another person. Blogging has helped me make sense of a lot. I have always known that it isn’t just me who turned to writing a blog to get through things, it’s become a kind of therapy for so many people. 

Tonight I watched The C Word on BBC One. It’s about Lisa Lynch, who starts writing a blog to help her deal with what happens after she was diagnosed with breast cancer. Lisa wrote a book based on her experiences. I won’t say what happens in case any readers wish to read the book or watch the TV show, but it’s clear that writing really helped Lisa. She found other cancer sufferers through her blog, and they helped each other through. 

I think it’s great that such a simple thing, like writing what’s in your head, can help so much. To me, writing is the best kind of therapy. It helps me so much, whether I write about what I am actually writing what I feel at that moment or not. Not enough respect is given to people who write what they feel online. Posting on a blog is releasing something to the world, so that anyone can read it. That is pretty crazy. I love reading through people’s blogs as well. Through reading someone’s writing you can learn so much about that person, just by seeing how they express themselves. And different people experience things differently, so it is always good to read how others deal with things. 

The C Word was shown on BBC One on Sunday 3rd May, and is now available on BBCiplayer.