Tag: anxiety

Physically Easier

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Everyone goes through a period of illness. A period where you just want to close yourself off from the world until you feel better. And it happens to everyone.

I have talked previously about how I sometimes have panic attacks, and they can vary from hyperventilating to bouts of being sick. The worst thing about them, is that they can be set off by nothing in particular. I can be working away perfectly happily, and suddenly I will feel inadequate and start panicking. This normally involves crying. I shouldn’t need to inform anyone, publicly crying at the age of 35 is really embarrassing. It is even worse when you can’t explain why you are crying.

For a lot of people, mental health often impacts them most when they don’t expect it. And that, makes it very difficult to deal with. It means that people have to almost re-learn their own behaviours, to try and combat them. Whilst problems, like depression and anxiety, can be suffocating at times, it can mutate the issue to another level when you have to try and explain it to someone else.

For a long time, I felt that I was doing something wrong. I’d experience mental health issues, try to speak to someone about, and would find myself belittled. I wish it was a rare thing, but most people who have suffered with mental health issues, have been told at sometime to ‘grow up and get over it’. These throwaway comments can hurt someone who is going through a time where they feel vulnerable. And it can make it difficult to try and talk when you do feel bad, as you automatically assume that everything will just be thrown back in your face.

As I said before, sometimes I my anxiety hits hard and I can be physically sick. When this happens, I will tell people that I ‘don’t feel well’ rather than trying to explain it’s mental health related. When I say that I have been physically sick, people as if I’m okay, and leave me alone. However, if I state my anxiety is giving me hell, then people want to know exactly why I am feeling like this. It’s difficult because I know a lot of people just want to help, but if I had the answers, I would be able to help myself.

People need to realise how they speak to people with mental health issues. Don’t belittle a person, and don’t be too prying either. It’s difficult, but someone suffering just needs you to be there and respect where they are, mentally. Don’t expect a person to come forward with loads of answers, because a lot of the time, they don’t know what is causing them to have a bad mental health day/week/month. What they don’t need is 50 questions fired in their direction.

I hope, at some stage, I’ll be able to say, ‘my mental health is shit’, and that be enough. But till then, I just appear to constantly have a vomiting bug.

May Challenge: Curtains

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

First off, apologies. I haven’t been in a writing way of thinking during the last few days. I had course work due in, as well as pretty bad mental health. So, I gave myself a break for a few days. It’s okay, I told myself that might happen, so I had prepared to just jump back on things when I felt better. No pressure, just post when I felt like it, and the challenge gives me topics to focus on.

Today’s topic is curtains, and I’m one of these weird people who rarely closes their bedroom curtains. I don’t know why, but it’s something I have got into over the years. I think it’s because if the sun is going to peak it’s face out early, then it can help wake me up. And it does work. However, it does mean that when the window cleaner comes round early doors, there is a chance that if it’s my day off, I could be still sleeping. Which is great.

When my depression was more out of control, curtains had more of a purpose. I didn’t want to deal with the world, so I shut it out. Things are safer if you don’t have to actually deal with everyone. Now, it’s almost like the opposite. I have open curtains, I want to experience the world, but I am prone to anxiety attacks that will keep me in my bed. I sometimes wish I could explain to people how difficult it can be trying to push yourself when your brain has applied the breaks. When I feel bad, it can take me hours get up and go to the bathroom. I just have no focus, no nothing. I start to panic, and my body feels of pins and needles. The feeling can last 10 minutes, or an entire day.

So maybe, having the curtains always open can allow me hope that one day, my mental health will take the back seat. That I will be able to enjoy every day. Let in every experience, like the window let’s in the light. Maybe, this battle will continue on for another 20 years, maybe it will change. I have to hope it will.

May Challenge: Running

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

There is never enough time for things. Things always start up well, I get so enthusiastic and dive right into whatever task I have set myself. But I seem to over-do it, and I quickly run out of steam. And, because most things have a deadline, I also then run out of time to do whatever I was trying to do.

Time management has always been a problem of mine. I am very highly skilled in procrastination. Which is probably why this blog became a thing to begin with. I was probably avoiding something, and thought that writing something would get me moving forwards, rather that sitting still watching TV. But, if I had to do something for my job that involved writing this blog (we can dream), I would probably go draw a picture instead. I sometimes think that there is something a little broken in my brain.

Well. I already know my brain is a bit broken, the medication for anxiety disorder can clarify that. My Doctor has said before, that I seem to get very panicky when I think that there is a chance of failing at something. Which is true. In my mind, it is easier to run the clock down, than it is to throw everything at something only to fail. I don’t really know where this behaviour came from, but it’s something that I have done for years.

I am trying to break my old habits, trying to work on planning things out. I never seem to get very far, but I am trying different things. Different tactics. Different ways to keep me on task, focused and hit my goals. It is a work in progress. But life is a work in progress.

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This post is part of a May prompt which is explained here, feel free to join in or pick one or two, to get your own creativity flowing.

Social Media Care

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I remember when I started using social media, many years ago (in fact, 10 years ago), it was a place of excitement. It was new for everyone, it was filled with normal folk, as advertisers hadn’t really jumped on the bandwagon yet. Social media became a place of freedom of expression. Unfortunately, for a lot of people, this isn’t the case anymore. No matter what you express, it feels like there are always people about to try and pick holes in what you say. Like, I try to be kind and advice-like when I write, but people like to jump on what I say to be all ’that isn’t how it is to me, so you are lying’. And these people are usually anonymous profiles who seem to spend all their time hating other people.

It is important to look after yourself in an atmosphere that can be so destructive. So, I thought up I few things that I use, when social media gets to me.

1) Block button. Every social media site has the ability to mute or block certain users. This is good. You might have a friend who is posting annoying rubbish for a TV show you hate, you can mute them for a while. This means, you are still following them, but you don’t see their content for a while. Blocking means that the person is unfollowed, can’t see what you post or anything on your profile. This is a good way to cut out people who may be harassing you.

2)Take time out. Go for a day or so without social media. I usually simply put my phone on airplane mode for a few hours, like when I am studying, so that I can focus without the constant pinging of my phone. If that isn’t enough, and you want a few days away from the distraction of your Facebook timeline, delete the app from your most used device. A lot of the time, we check social media constantly because it always seems to be there. And it not being there, can free up a lot of time.

3)Don’t read bad comments. Sometimes, you could post a picture of an apple on Instagram, and it would attract bad comments. If you see this happening, try not to feel down. These people seem to get some kind of thrill of bringing people down. You can disable comments on many social media services, as well as make it so only your friends can comment. You will find that people are a lot less confrontational if they know you, or have to share their identity.

4) Just laugh. Try not to take social media too seriously. A lot of the content that you will be shown on sites like Facebook and Twitter are there to get a reaction. So they will either be content you agree with, or content you massively disagree with. For example, I would say I am ’left-leaning’ when it comes to politics, so the stuff I get shown is either supporting that stance, or is wildly opposing those views. So, try not to take everything as gospel, and just laugh when people do. It also can defuse a situation building up within yourself, as laughter does make you feel better.

5) Be kind to yourself. If you find anything on social media to be causing any kind of negative reaction to yourself, then step away. You are the only you there is, so it’s important you look after yourself. If there is too much BS happening, then go and read a book, play a computer game or whatever social media is distracting you from.

You can be selective over what you show on social media, and it’s important to remember that. Because everyone else is too. A lot of people show part of themselves, whether it be a nice or a nasty side. So if someone attacks you, then remember it is just what they think they see, it’s not actually you.

Radio Static

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

There is a constant chittering of noise in my brain. Some would call it ‘white noise’, the kind of noise that allows for intense focus. Except, the racket rattling around inside my head is so loud that it doesn’t allow for any type of focus at all. Which in itself is a headache, especially when you require focus.

When I was younger I used music to drown out the nonsense. The internal monologues that berated every action I undertook, and it was exhausting. So sometimes it became easier to avoid things, to bury my head in the sand. If everything I did was so bad, then why do anything at all. But, this didn’t fix anything. I felt as big a failure in my bed, as I did at my job. It didn’t matter what was going on in my life, I was never able to silence that ‘inner critic’.

To get past this overly critical thing, you have to re-train your brain and how you think. And that is what I have been trying to do over the last few years. Whilst, I am a lot more productive than what I used to be, I still have a very long way be able to believe in myself and what I do 100%. My mental health is still up and down, in general, but I am taking steps to make it better. And that is all that a person can do really. Battle to find an alternative to the static.


Head In Sand

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Recently I haven’t been sharing at all. Which is not like me, but it’s hard when you are dealing with something that you’d rather not be dealing with.

Unfortunately, life is not that kind. I have been sick, had a major crash with my mental health, had course work due in and the busiest time of the year for the ol’ day job. And it all kind of left me functioning, but that was it. I didn’t want to talk about it, still don’t, because I didn’t want to think about how much stuff was happening all at once. It’s kind of calmed down a little, my coursework is done and Christmas is a week a way, which means no overtime. And it’s allowing me a little time to reflect on why I burrowed myself away from the internet.

For years the internet was where I could let my feelings go, where I could write about stuff that no one cared about. It was very therapeutic and it was completely disconnected from my real life. However, every day there seems to be more merging of both my private life and the one I talk about on line. People who I know in real life, are able to access what I am writing.

Now, this doesn’t seem like a huge problem for some, as they see things being made public, and surely it doesn’t matter who reads it. But… that’s not really how it goes. In my life, I try to put a smile on as I soldier on through whatever the day throws at me. Inside, I may be falling apart, but I don’t want people to see it. I always feel like my mental health issues makes me a burden on others, so I don’t want them to know. That way people don’t feel pressured into being nice, they are being nice because they want to, not because I’m not right in the head. And when these people I share my daily life with can read what I really feel, I feel like I have let them down. I mean, surely I should be able to talk to folk, right?

So, sometimes it is easier to bury my head in the sand. Pretend things are okay, when they aren’t. It’s not perfect. But, it can get me through times where I don’t have the strength to deal with questions about things that I don’t know how to put into words. That’s what writing helps me do, sometimes, put what’s in my head into words that (kind of) make sense.

Same Thing

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

A lot of things, in my life haven’t exactly gone to plan. I try a lot of things, get a lot of ideas, and they end up fading away into nothing. It’s okay, because that happens to everyone. But, I feel like sometimes I repeat my mistakes, almost as if I learn nothing. It’s almost as if I expect to get different results by doing things the same way as before.

It’s very frustrating.

I have talked on here several times, about problems that arise from my mental health issues, particularly anxiety. Something that can have me struggling to breathe, and feeling very uncomfortable no matter where I am. Sometimes, I find it very hard to get any motivation to make things different. Things never change, so what’s the point. Sometimes I think I get stuck, emotionally and physically. Where I get too comfortable in my little bubble of failure. I don’t want to venture out of my ‘bubble’, because I am scared that I will make things worse, rather than better. It’s like I have issues now, and I don’t have any ‘real’ problems. So, I must be doing things wrong, if I am struggling so much. So, I do the same things over and over again, in the hope that I will eventually do things right, and then feel better. 

But, that’s not how things work. I am trying to put logic into everything that is going on, and with anything related to mental health, that doesn’t work. So, I am trying to push myself to do different things. It is very hard though. It can be so exhausting just trying to function, it is hard to find the willpower and energy to try and do something different. 

They do say that success only happens where a person doesn’t let failure stop them.

Updates Smupdates

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I have been having a bit of a nightmare recently. Where I don’t feel like I have anything to say. It doesn’t sound too problematic to most people, but when you are used to expressing yourself in a therapeutic way, it really becomes suffocating. I have previously found that anonymity of writing things online, without it effectively anything in my personal life. Recently though, I have been finding that more and more things are getting back to people, who are getting offended that I don’t want to talk to them about my problems. And this means that I don’t write down or say anything, because I feel guilty that I can’t simply phone someone up and explain away my feelings. I wish that would work, but it doesn’t for me.

As a result, I have been hesitant on what I write down in personal and public journals. And it has been awful. I feel so much more stressed than I had been, when writing regularly. This could be just a coincidence, with me getting phased on anti-depressants at the same time I found it difficult to write about things, but it feels more significant than that. I think that it hurts that the one thing that provided me with some relief with my mental health issues is now triggering the same issues that I would write about.

My anxiety gets triggered by a lot, but feeling guilty is a major one. A lot of the time the guilt is about something that has nothing to actually do with me, personally. I always worry that someone has taken offense to what I have said, and it really stresses me out. I have panic attacks, which are very messy and full of tears. I will dwell on things for days. If someone speaks to me harshly, then I assume it is something I have done wrong, so I panic over it. Someone can say something to me that they will forget within 10 minutes, but I will stress over it for days. It’s frustrating because, logically, there is nothing for me to be concerned about, but logic doesn’t seem to be a factor when anxiety takes hold.

I remember when I first started having mental health issues, when I was a teenager, and everything was just brushed off. I lost count in the amount of times that I was told to ‘grow up’, something that stuck with me for a long time. Like, this big, dark cloud that I was dealing with, was just me being immature. It wasn’t, but by the time I realised this, had stopped turning to people, as I was obviously a burden. I fear judgement and guilt from turning to other people, something that is a massive part of my anxiety. And now, the same people who told me to ‘grow up’ all those years ago, want me to talk to them?

It is difficult, and people should always be mindful in how they act towards others. Just because something doesn’t effect you, doesn’t mean it doesn’t effect other people.

Cancelled

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I have tried to be honest when I write on here. And it has proven to be something very helpful when dealling with my mental health. Because I find it difficult to speak to people about what I am going through, writing into the void seems a lot easier for me. It,unfortunately, doesn’t mean things become easier to handle.

One of the managers from my work is leaving, and people had organised a nightout for him. I was working all day, when this was happening. But, I thought that I might turn up for a bit, and at least buy the guy a beer and wish him luck. Seemed like a good plan, I’d just go up after work, stay for a few hours, stick to soft drinks and drive myself home. It seemed like a good plan. But then, anxiety happened. I knew everyone who was going to be there, I knew the pub, it wasn’t a big deal. There is no telling my brain that, when it starts getting ahead of itself though. I had a panic attack. I ended up struggling to breathe and crying over nothing. In my car. Like an idiot. I had been fine all day, I don’t know why I felt so bad all of a sudden. I decided to get some food and see if I felt better, but I ended up getting a migraine and going to bed early. I felt awful that I wasn’t able to go out. I am trying to go easier on myself, but it is hard.

I feel that I cancel a lot of plans these days, and it is hard. I feel like a constant let down, and it’s a horrible feeling. Like, how are you supposed to ‘be there’ for people, when you physically can’t be anywhere? It makes me feel like such a shit person. And that makes me want to stay locked up in solitary confinement even more. When I speak to people, or try to, I get told to stop over-thinking. I can’t help what I am thinking about, it isn’t like I consciously decide to over-react. That isn’t how it works.

I just wish I could find out how ‘it’ does work. Would make things a bit easier. At least I’d be able to explain it to the people I disappoint.

Celebrate Good Times

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Life has the unfortunate ability to feel like utter shit sometimes. It isn’t because anything bad actually happens, just that your perception of everything is rather rubbish. It happens to everyone, some folk more than others, and it can be hard.

Personally, I sometimes feel like my brain is tripping me up, by being negative about stuff that I shouldn’t even give a second thought. But that is not how my brain is wired, the rational thinking seems to be missing. And, it is very easy to get stuck. To become too busy nitpicking over the small things, because thinking about the ‘big stuff’, just seems to be too real and scary. I become stuck in a bubble, like a play I did at Primary School, where a girl floats away in a bubble, to a land filled with monsters. (I have no idea what it was called, I did try to find out.) Everything in the play ends up happy because it was aimed at kids, of course. But, the feeling of feeling like I am in a bubble surrounded by the scary monsters of the outside world, is a metaphor that seems to hit a little too close to home. And, although I do know that the story will end up okay, in the end, facing these monsters of reality just seems a bit too hard to bear. It becomes easy to hide in my little bubble. Like an invisible wall is protecting me from whatever bad stuff is coming. It’s not. It sounds a bit mad. And I am aware of that.

Sometimes, there are things, events, that requires to step out of your little bubble for a while. And it can be so anxiety-inducing, it is ridiculous. Sometimes, you can tip your toes into the big, wide world, and that’s it. And, that is okay. Sometimes. This metaphorical bubble, that I am using to describe my own mental health, can become a burden. Your mental health becomes a burden on YOU. And, that always makes me feel that it will also be a burden on other people. That me, and my bubble of despair, has the ability to ruin any social event or occasion, just by being there. And, when you start thinking that, it becomes all too tempting to reply ‘I’m busy’ to every invitation that you get. Thinking that everyone will have more fun without you. And that thinking is just your mind trying to keep you in your bubble, and not expose you to the possible monsters outside.

Sometimes there are events, like weddings and big birthdays, that you feel you have to attend. And sometimes, you can find the will to push outside your bubble, and do something for someone else. For me, I have to focus on the other person, because the moment I think about myself, at all, I will climb back into my bed and ignore my phone. Focus on the smiles, focus on the good times you have had before. Previously, for me, this has worked. I focused on how much the event meant for the person, or people, that I know, and I wanted to make them happy. It allows me to forget about the bubble I spend my life in and celebrate something great.  And, I didn’t feel anxious at all. It was like my bubble was left at home. It felt like I could still be genuinely happy, and it was freeing.

Now, I know that going to one event isn’t going to completely fix everything. My mental health is still like a badly scrambled egg. But, for a while, it can be nice to step away from that mess, and just experience something for what it is. I have suffered mental health problems for over half my life now, and I have come to terms that it is something that I need to live with. But it is good to know that sometimes, the life that can be sometimes so unbearable to live, still has good stuff to enjoy. And that good stuff has to be what pulls us through the bad stuff. It is sometimes necessary to remind yourself of that, once in a while.