Tag: anxiety

Nervous. Who, me?

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

This is quite a relevant prompt today. I have fallen off a lot of bandwagons recently, with my productivity going from ‘quite good’ to ‘non-existent’. I struggled to do everything, from going to the gym, to progressing through my to-read pile. I felt a little bit useless for a few weeks there, and it is horrible. I was at the stage of failing to see the point in doing anything, which is not a really nice place to be.

I am at the stage now, where I am feeling a bit more energetic, wanting to climb back on that horse again, but I am nervous. It takes a lot of effort and work to get your energy levels back, after a period of self-doubt. Because a lot of my problems are brought on by anxiety, I find myself jumping to the worse possible conclusion when it comes to trying to do anything. I find myself a lot less anxious, when I am doing things based on habits. But, habits have to be formed, so I will always have a brick wall to navigate past, no matter what I do.

It is frustrating. I have been reading a lot about positive energy, and that by changing your mindset, you can do a lot more than you normally would. Use the nerves as a positive thing, as a thing to conquer. Something that you can defeat. So many people in this word use nervous energy as something that drives them, musicians, writers, politcians. But, it doesn’t have to be a particular career that can benefit from using nerves, anyone can do it. So rather than falling silent to the thoughts running through your mind, use them to push you forward. As said above, that is all about forming new habits, something that is quite hard to do.

Remember, if it goes a bit askew one day, one week, or even  a whole month, today is a new day, so try and make it better than before. Which is easier said than done. Try today, and if it doesn’t work, try again tomorrow. Every day is a new opportunity. Just don’t let the nerves win.

via Daily Prompt: Nervous

Something New

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Everyone has moments in life, where they go from the top of a hypothetical ladder, only to then end up at the very bottom of another. The most common example of this, happens during childhood. When you are one of the oldest kids in Primary School, to start as the youngest again, when you go to High School. There is nothing bad about that, it is just something that sometimes happens. It can through everything up in the air, and make you reconsider quite a lot in your life.

I happens in adulthood as well. For example, I worked in a department at my work for over 3 years, I was settled, it was a really nice atmosphere and work was fun. But last week, I was moved to another department. There was no major changes, even my shift patterns stayed the same, the only thing that changed was the process I now had to do. And as easy going I tried to be about the whole situation, I couldn’t help feeling a little hard done by. Like, the whole ‘why me’ feeling, with thoughts of ‘what did I do wrong’. Being most experienced in one area, just to be moved back down to the least experience, is not a particularly nice feeling. And it is a feeling that is quite hard to get out of.

But, like a lot in life, these situations become easier if we have a better mindset. So rather that focusing on what I am missing out on, I am trying to shift focus onto what I am gaining. For example, the work situation, yes it is a pain, but it is also a new experience. Which in a workplace which is as ever-changing as mine, it’s only a good thing to be as experienced as possible. So, maybe that is a good thing. Another good thing is, that despite how anti-social I can be sometimes, I do like meeting new people. I like to be on good terms with people, used to be quite obsessed with it, actually. So, I try to be nice, and helpful, so that folk thing nicely of me. I have already met so many nice people at my work, and have created friendships that will last for years to come. Which is a good thing.

The hard thing is, that as well as staying focused on the good stuff, I also have to ignore the negativity. Some of the people who moved departments with me, really hate it. Like, all they do is complain. And when you are already struggling to be positive, someone being overly negative isn’t really that great. I remember my first job, being told during training that the mood of people you encounter, is contagious. It was all based on how if you smiled at a customer, they’d smile back, and carry that small positive action to someone else, and make the world a wee bit nicer. But the same happens with negativity, if the first voice you hear in the morning is ‘I can’t be bothered, this place is shit’, then that thought infiltrates your perception on what happens that day.

I guess, the main thing is to keep going with a smile if you can. It is hard, but it makes so many things easier. Well, maybe not everything, but even if it makes one hour of a day slightly easier, it is worth it.

Running On Empty

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I.Am. Exhausted.

And when I get like this, I can be like ‘a bear with a sore head’. Which is a bit annoying, when I have had a really good mental health week, apart from today. I am nipping at people, and have absolutely no focus on anything, and it is all because I had 2 hours sleep last night.

I will not go into the reason why I got hardly any sleep, but it happened. And it has seen a bit of a bad turn happen. I have been crying at work and had a panic attack in the toilet. I just felt so tired, and the only thing running was my mind. It was a really hard day. Actual work was okay, but 10 hours on nothing is hard. I just wanted to sleep.

Now it’s done though. And whilst I could still sleep for the whole weekend, I got through it. Barely. But I did. And getting through a bad, does make me feel better. Well, I’m still exhausted, but I don’t feel as useless. It would have been easy to phone in sick, or go home early, but I didn’t. That is a good thing.

Although, I may pass out completely when I do eventually get to my bed.

Don’t Like Asking

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Happy Sunday! I hope you are having an enjoyable and relaxing day. I did my usual, went to the gym, and then did nothing else. It is Sunday, after all. But, after deciding that I didn’t want to watch The Day After Tomorrow for the twentieth time (it’s not that good), I eventually started watching YouTube. And in particular, the wonderful Tessa Violet. Someone whose content I have been enjoying for a number of years.

Anyways, I was watching one of Tessa’s videos from a few months back, where she was talking about insecurities and how asking what other people though of her, made her feel uncomfortable. And that got those rusty cogs in my head spinning, slightly. What do I hate doing? Well, I hate asking for help or advice. I am a ‘think about it and just wing it’ kind of girl. I don’t know why that is, but it is how I have been as long as I dare to remember.

It’s why a lot of my entries here, end up being almost like advice blogs. Sometimes, there is no almost about it. I know that I have problems, I am more likely to search on YouTube or even WordPress, for articles or videos on my issue. This sounds a bit silly to some, but normally the advice given on these sites are not professional, they are just people speaking honestly from their own experiences. And that means, I can get helpful information without bothering anyone I actually know.

You see, that is a big problem about anxiety. You get so bogged down by your own problems, that you get the bizarre logic that sharing what’s wrong will just bog that other person down too. And, everyone else has enough problems going on, without dealing with my crap too. That mindset is one that has developed over years, and it means that as well as struggling to share what I am going through to an actual person, I can’t approach the subject at all. If I do, I panic, I freeze up, and I kind of fall apart. So it is easier to keep it to myself.

The internet has become a rich resource, and not just the generic help sites, I mean the user created content. Maybe it is because, I like reading or listening to another person’s experience. If I can relate my problems to someone else’s then I get strength to find a solution. And then, noone I know is bothered by me and my crap. It is easier that way.

Blue Monday?

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

It’s supposed to be the most depressing day of the year today. I don’t really understand the idea of dubbing a random day ‘the most depressing’.

I have been reading a lot about mindfulness and how most of what we feel is based on perceptions. So we assume things will be bad, because of the angle we are looking at it. I feel that is what happens when someone tells you a day is supposed to be depressing. You get into that mindset, and there is no getting away from it.

I’ll give you an example. I have been wanting a car, since I passed my driving test in November. I have now been 2 months since I passed my test, and because I haven’t been at a driving wheel since I had a melt down. Now, since I passed, I made the choice that I’d wait till I saved up money, and get the right car. But I made the mistake of reading all these negative articles about ‘Blue Monday’ as I ate my cereal this morning. Because I have so many issues with my mental health, I always think I am prone to these periods where depression runs high.

I was going to get a lift to the gym this morning, but my sister was taking her time, and a bus was due. So me being me, I left and went for the bus. All good so far. But then I started thinking about how at 18 she was offered to share a car with my dad. My brother was that age when he was gifted a car. And i couldn’t even get someone to come and look at cars with me. I started freaking out. What if I forget how to drive? What if I get in a car and freak out? What if I am never able to get a car? I got so worked up, I was sobbing at the back of the bus.

I stayed on the bus, despite just wanting to go home, and went to the gym as planned. I then sweated all the negativity out of my system, and I now feel better.

I feel I got so upset by reading all these articles about how people more successful than me felt low today. I mean, the whole idea of Blue Monday, is because people are waiting for the first payday after Christmas. That doesn’t apply to me, as I get paid weekly, but it didn’t stop the bad feeling. And I think by digesting all this writing about why I should be sad, I over-reacted to something completely different.

I have been reading The Universe Has Your Back by Gabrielle Bernstein, and it is a book about changing your mindset. Putting trust in the universe and stop worrying about a future that hasn’t happened yet. The book tries to explain that by thinking in ‘love’ rather than ‘fear’, we can transform our lives. It sounds really silly, but this is revolutionary to me. It got me thinking how negativity does effect my day, and my life. I am trying to do the lessons that are in the books, but it is hard. Like everything, new habits need to be formed to make a difference.

Maybe the first habit I need to break from, is sensationalist articles on social media, trying to tell me how I should feel. Focus on the feel-good. Try a bit of positive mental attitude.

Retreading Old Roads

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I always feel that people get annoyed with my posts popping up on their feeds. Especially, as I have committed myself to posting every day. Something that I am enjoying, even though I have struggled sometimes, posting an entry or two close to midnight. It is a challenge that I am having fun with, although it may not seem like it.

A lot of the things I talk about, relate to my mental health, especially anxiety. This is something that I am actively working on, to try and deal with things better. And, when I write something, sometimes similar thoughts run round my head, so that is what gets written about. There are times, when every point I think about my anxiety, I can think of different ideas as new ways to make it easier to deal with. Which, if I am honest, is something that I feel is essential to self-improvement. Always looking for a solution.

So, whilst I figure out what I am doing, I will go over things a few times. I might have a different angle for whatever happened, but that is what happens sometimes. Once things settle down a little bit, I am going to try and plan things better. I have a notebook, which already has some ideas written down. So, I would like to post a bit more varying content. Maybe write entries as drafts, and then post them in an order which mixes things up a bit. Writing every day is something that is still quite new to me, so it will take time for things to get in a better rhythm.

But for the moment, I am happy on here. This blog is celebrating it’s 8th birthday this year, and has become a place which is documented a large section of my life. And because of that, I find strangely attached to it. I like reading my old posts from years ago, to read about problems, which seem so insignificant now. My hope is, that one day, the anxiety I am writing about so frequently right now, will be as insignificant as my college are now, 8 years later.

Can always hope.

Busy Bee

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Everyone has those times, where you get so busy and hectic, that you get completely overwhelmed. It is something that happens to me regularly, and I find that it can really trigger my anxiety. I start losing my temper, start panicking, I overheat and I get upset. The worst feeling is, that I get the idea in my head that I am only overwhelmed because I am useless. A good person, who could actually do things properly, would never have got so worked up about it. And, thinking like that, can start a cycle of demeaning myself, and feeling worse and worse.

These days, I know that if I power through, things will calm down, and with that, my anxiety will subside. And then, I can just focus on my job again. Which is such a relief. Whilst it is good to know that I can get through being overwhelmed, it is frustrating that it still happens so regularly. Anxiety, for me, feels like I lose control of my emotions, something that adds to the feeling of intensity. It is exhausting.

Although people who see me get worked up might disagree, I am slowly getting better at dealing with this. I try to simply focus on what task is directly in front of me. Usually panic attacks come on, because I see all the work I have to do, and I feel bad that the pile is ever-growing. And that pile of work, is just a badge of dishonour, letting the world know that I can’t cope. In a calm mind, I know that a work list getting bigger, is not necessarily an indication on my abilities, more the situation which is outwith my control.

Usually, at home, listening to music or a walk in the fresh air, work as tactics to get away from any panic I feel rising. So I can go off on my own, collect my thoughts, and come back and attack tasks with a fresher mind. But, in situations not at home, none of these solutions are possible. If I can stay focused on my task, sometimes I can just focus on what I am doing, and blank out everything else. But that isn’t always possible either. I have tried to hum or sing to myself when I get into situations that can trigger my anxiety. That can help. But, I get nervous of someone judging me for singing a silly Disney song. I am trying to get over that.

Not so long ago, if I was busy and got overwhelmed, I would just leave the situation completely. That sometimes meant leaving work early or cancelling on friends. I don’t do that anymore. I do push through it. I just need to deal better with what happens when I have to work through stuff. But, that takes time.

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I find myself getting a lot of headaches at the moment. Nothing too serious, just a pain that lingers for a few days, brought on by anxiety. Sounds strange, but sometimes I get myself so worked up, I get this pressure in my head, and it is a struggle to rid of. It can make me so irritable. So, I’ve been looking at things to help me rid myself of these headaches, and thought I would post a few things that seem to help.

Drink Water- Now, this seems very obvious, but sometimes a big reason as to why our headaches linger on, is because we are dehydrated. I have always tried to drink a lot of water, as I genuinely like it, but sometime I do forget. Especially when I am working, and run off my feet. I have so many things to do, I simply don’t stop.  And drinking water, although it is a simple thing, it is easy to forget about it till you feel sick or rundown. Try to drink about 2 litres of water in a normal day, but more if you are running around, busy.

pexels-photo-87383

Proper Sleep- Sometimes we can get headaches or become prone to sickness because we do not sleep enough. This is a thing that sounds bizarre, but it really does affects how your body functions. Tiredness, is something that runs hand-in-hand with overworking. Again, like with drinking water, it seems okay to start your day early and finish late. And, short term, your body can cope, but if you do it regularly, then you may find that you become exhausted and run-down. It is recommended that most adults sleep between 7-9 hours a night, though this can be difficult. If you get under 5 hours of sleep a night, it can increase anxiety, energy levels and cause headaches. So try to give your body time to recharge, and have an early night, you should feel a lot better with a healthier sleeping routine.

Eat Healthier- Again, like the points above, this should be a bit of a cliché. But by drinking coffee and eating sugar snacks, we don’t really nourish our bodies right. Yes, they may help give you a burst of energy first thing in the morning, but you may get a feeling of tiredness later in the day. It also can contribute to headaches, as some of these processed, sugar laden foods dehydrate the body. Which if your body is struggling with fatigue, is not a good thing. Good things which can give you a boost, include fruit, vegetables, bowls of cereal (eg bran flakes), and, as said above, lots of water. These are cleaner, and will help your body keep energy throughout the day.

Deep Breathes- This sounds a bit hippy-dippy, but taking your time to breathe properly, does calm our bodies down, and can help reduce the pain of a head ache. I like a step outside and breathing in colder air. It helps wake me up, calm my mind down a little and just takes my mind off any anxiety.

As a person who does get a lot of headaches brought on by stress and anxiety, and I have spent a lot of time looking into stopping the headaches happen. It should work, but as with everything, you have to form new habits, which is rather hard.

Doomed, doomed I tells ya.

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I don’t know about you, but I have a habit of looking at the bad side of life. Focusing on the uncomfortable stuff that stresses you out, rather than the stuff that makes you happy.

I know that every day is a mixture of positives and negatives, but it is hard to focus on the positive if you can’t get past the negatives. It’s like there are roadblocks everywhere I turn, and I can’t even get to my destination. It is so frustrating.

I said a few days ago, that all I want to do is commit to everything I try to do. But I just don’t know how to commit to something fully, when I can’t find the focus, because my brain is taken up by the bad thoughts.

I need to try and change my perspective on things, but it is hard. I don’t know where to begin. That is a good thing, I guess, that we live in a world where there are unlimited resources on the internet for free. So I guess, I should have a look around. I think it is too easy to think that we know everything, and that we don’t need to learn anything else. But life is about constantly learning, so that we can better ourselves, better our lives. And that is the only way things will get better, to learn new stuff.

Just have to find somewhere to get help, and start making things happen. Hopefully.

Not Fight Club

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

As I get older, I find I can see the appeal of living alone with cats more and more. Sometimes, I just haven’t got the patience to deal with other people’s rubbish. That’s not saying that if someone has a genuine problem, I wouldn’t be there. Of course I would. It is people’s continual moaning about things. Adults refusing to do their jobs, or bitching about each other, like children.

I think it irritates me so much, because I find myself getting pulled into the middle of disagreements. I make a real effort to try and be on friendly terms with everyone I know, and when someone pulls me into their disagreements, it really triggers my anxiety. I think, this is mostly because I panic if someone takes a dislike to me, for any reason. Because of this, I hate getting pulled into any conflict, and that is what happens if people bitch about one another. It is a situation, where I stress out too much.

I think that every person should be looking for ways to improve themselves, even if it is just to make their own life more enjoyable. We are on this planet for a relatively short time, so we should make sure that we have a good time whilst we can. There is so much negative things occurring, that are completely out with our own control, so maybe we should try and make the bits we can control a wee bit better.

Of course, there will always be situations that annoy us. Times that make us bang our head against the closest wall in frustration. But I guess you have to try and change your thinking. If someone wants to ruin their day by complaining about things or people, let them. They may need to let out their frustrations. If that is the case, then there would be no ill-meaning behind anything, they may still like that person, it is just that they did one thing which was irritating, People are irritating, we do have a special way in annoying one another. Sometimes people can be best of friends, other times they can irritate one another. It is just how things are. No two people are going to agree with absolutely everything.

I think that is where I struggle. I can understand that people can have their own thoughts and opinions, and can maybe clash with one another. I just don’t like clashing. The fear of conflict, the idea that things could escalate, and people could ‘fall out’. It is like I jump the gun. I don’t particularly dislike anyone, and I don’t feel comfortable that a conflict could arise when I haven’t actually done anything. I am a bit scared that I will end up being the ‘bad person’, and that is something I don’t like. I haven’t ever intentionally hurt anyone, and the idea that I could hurt someone, stresses me out.

Maybe getting a wee flat and a lot of cats is a good idea. Animals just seem a lot more straight-forward than people. If anyone needs me, I will be searching for my new life of spinsterhood.