Holiday yet?

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I can always tell when I have time off work coming off. And it isn’t just the feeling that I will be able to do what I want for a week or so. No! I know that I have a holiday coming up because I am so tetchy about EVERYTHING. There is nothing right now that won’t make me angry or upset.

I don’t know why I get like this. It may be because I can sense this time off work,  but it isn’t here yet, which makes work unbearable. And then I just start to find other things unbearable too. The thing is, most of these annoyances aren’t going to vanish just because I am not attending work. The seagulls are going to angrily squawk and swoop every time I unknowlingly walk by a nest, TV is still going to be crap, and I am still going to be angry that I ate that packet of crisps instead of the apple. It’s not even like these things are anything that I should be letting effect me so much, they are all minor wee annoyances. It’s just sometimes, all those wee annoyances seem to pile up to make something bigger. Or maybe it’s just I have a short fuse right now.

At least I only have a few days and then freedom. Hopeful some time to clear out my personal space and get to relax my brain a little. That is certainly required right now. Some time out is always a good thing, because life can get a bit heavy sometimes.

Things to do when you hurt your back. 

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Pulled my back at work, and it really hurts. So here’s a few things that I feel is essential when you suffer back pain. 

*Take some pain killers.

*Listen to a playlist of your favourite music. LOUDLY.

*Try and sit somewhere confortable.

*Or lie on the floor.

*Try and not lift anything too heavy.

*Sometimes a small stretch out can help sore muscles.

*Get into your favourite jammies, and watch your favourite TV shows.

*Take more painkillers.

*Don’t Google your symptoms.

*Try and not bitch at everyone. Because pain does make people grumpy. 

*If nothing works. Lie back and cry. Because you may find your emotions are all over the place and your brain can’t think straight.

Hello?

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Posting has stopped being such a priority. Nothing has taken the place of the many hours I used to spend on the Internet. I now check a few websites, and that’s about it. 

It’s not that I am bored. It is more that I don’t know what to say. I am in a mental black hole right now, and I don’t know what to do about it. I used to be able to upload any anxieties to a blog post, and feel better. Now, I’ve had to many comments to stop, because all I do is complain. I have always used the Internet to vent, and I feel like that has been taken away. And I have always struggled talking to people, so I don’t know what to do. 

Just feeling a bit lost.

Blue Monday

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

So I have been a little low recently. If you have read my blog before, then you’d know that I have had my struggles with depression. And whilst trying my best to function normally, i have been feeling a bit rubbish. I feel like a constant downer to people around me, so I just shut myself off for a bit. Just kept my head down. 

It’s how I have learnt to deal with things. Just hide away till I feel a bit better. Because as crap as I may feel, it does get better. And that way, I don’t bring anyone else down. It gives me a sense of control in dealing with something I actually have no control over. Which sounds daft, but it makes sense to me. 

Irritated

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

Nothing worse when you pour your heart into a blog post, only for it not to post. For the last day I was trying to post on WordPress, only to get an error message. Which was irritating. I saved the post to my drafts and took to trying to fix the app. 

The general advice for when mobile applications get iffy, is to delete and then re-install the app. The app started up again fine, but when I tried to find my previous post, it had vanished. Which was a pain, particularly seeing as it was a rather personal post that I really couldn’t bring myself to type up today. 

I am hearing that there is a few problems with WordPress apps right now, particularly with the most recent update. The advice is to try and sign out, and sign back in using your username instead of email address. If that fails, re-install the app, like I did. If you do have problems, WordPress Help are available on @wordpressdotcom and are very quick to answer. 

Change For Life?

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

For as long as I can remember I have always been on the heavier side of life. When I was little I was always told I looked like a wee rugby player, something that never bothered me at the time, because I quite liked rugby. As I got older, the comments got a bit harsher. All comments made towards me, seemed to be about my weight. Something that I did my best to ignore, I was fairly active (so I told myself) so I couldn’t be that fat. I ignored it, and invested my time in doing what I wanted, eating what I wanted and enjoying myself. Which there is nothing wrong with, the problem is knowing where to stop. I didn’t.

When I was at school I got my first job, a paper round that gave me less than a £5 a week. Wasn’t a lot, but it was my money. I spent it on magazines and crap food. I’d quite happily spend my hard earned money on multipacks of 6 packs crisps, which I’d sometimes eat in one day. It gave me a sense of control, which was needed as school, something I was always good at, started to go downhill. I was struggling, and all my friends seemed fine. Eating would take my mind off thinking about being a failure, and I didn’t have to bother anyone. As I have got older, food has been there out of habit. When there was something I couldn’t talk about that was bothering me, I’d scoff junk food and wash it down with fizzy juice. And the more money I have, the more junk I buy.

Why am I saying all this? Well, I was watching a health program last night, where people were weighing themselves to see how overweight they were. Now, I have weighed myself fairly inconsistently over the last 6 months or so, but the numbers were numbers, and I made no real connection with it. I mean, what has a kilo done for me? But I was intrigued and weighed myself, to see what ‘weight class’ I came in. At 5 foot 2, I weigh 103 kg.That makes me OBESE. It’s kind of slapped me in the face a bit. I knew I was fat, always chubby, but never thought obese. After a cry to myself, I spent last night browsing the effects of obesity, and what it does to your body. Well, two things were highlighted straight away to me. First, obesity can cause muscle pain and inflammation, something I have dealt with FOR YEARS. Secondly, a bad diet can have detrimental effects on your body’s ability to fight bugs, and the bad stuff. I have been suffering with various illnesses over the last 6 months, which could have something to do with a poor immune system.

As a bigger girl, I have always been against a certain figure being the aim for every woman out there. Every person has their own shape. And that’s okay. But, the moment your body starts rebelling against whatever life choices you have made, you should listen and change few things. And that’s all I want to do, change a few things. My body isn’t very happy. I have the complaints of joint pain and a cough that just won’t leave, and I also have no energy after a shift at work. It’s getting to the stage that I feel like I am missing out on life, because I can’t be bothered doing anything. And of course my anxiety then jumps in, and convinces me that if I can’t be bothered with myself, why should anyone else. And that is how I devour several packets of crisps instead.

What if losing weight does help my health issues, like my mental health? I know it won’t solve every problem, but maybe it could make things easier. I just haven’t been able to relax since I read about being obese. It’s no one’s fault but my own, I accept that. So if I am to try and fix it, I need to take full ownership in that too. I am back using the Weight Watcher online tracker, and going to see how that works.

__________

I wanted to talk about this on here, as this blog has been a good way of helping me through problems previously. So because this has been something stuck in my head, I thought I’d write about. Hopefully documenting my feelings in such a way will help keep me moving. Fingers crossed, and I’ll try and write down any progress or issues I am having.

Work Through It

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

Life is a complete arse sometimes, isn’t it? My problem is my cough, which has been a problem for a few months now. The cough never gets worse, I don’t get a sore throat, it just doesn’t go away. And it is frustrating me. A lot. 

The only thing you can do is try and carry on with your life. That’s all I can do. The doctors aren’t helping, despite visiting numerous times. They just tell me to try cough syrup and drink lots of water. So rather than sitting home getting more frustrated, I am going to work. Thankfully they have been really understanding when I have had to go to the bathroom because I can’t catch my breath. But sometimes it is hard. 

People deal with more serious long term issues than a cough, and I have no idea how they are able to cope. 

Can’t Get Into A Book

~ Sue ~ 1 Comment

I read a lot. I have done for years. I am a regular at my local library and have rented books since I was at Primary School. I try to read about 2-3 book a month, but it can vary. A lot of the books that I read are recommended to me by friends, or I read a review somewhere. But most of the books I pick up, is because I am told it is something that I would get into.

One of these suggestions was the Lord of the Rings collection. Which I bought in High School after a classmate did a book report on it, and it seemed really cool. So I bought the full collection in the one book, for the normal reason, that it was on offer. Good times, or so I thought. For over a decade the book sat on my bookshelf, with me struggling to get past Book 1. I just struggled with feeling that the book wasn’t getting anywhere. I am not kidding when I say you could tell how far I got in the book by how badly bent the spine was. It was really comical.

But then, the movies happened. I have always believed that someone should read the book, before you watch the movie or TV show. But, due to my struggles, I decided to make an exception. And I did. Watching the movies actually helped me get through the storyline a lot easier. And because I liked the movies, I then read the book fairly quickly. And this time the story was a lot easier to take in, and enhanced what the movies told. Which is to be expected. Not getting into a book is something that has happened before. I have recently attempted an Audiobook, to try and get through The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. I made a video you can see below, talking about this.

I can’t be the only person who has issues with getting into books. How do other people cope with this? Do you force yourself on, or do you look for an alternative way enjoy the story? Let me know, unless I really am alone. Which wouldn’t surprise me.

Being There

~ Sue ~ Leave a comment

I have always been a person who loves their own company. I have always spent a lot of time on my own. That’s not saying that I have no friends, I do have a lot of people in my life that I am lucky enough to consider to be my friends. People who I know will have my back, no matter what happens.

But, I don’t think I am a really good friend, if I am honest. I don’t organise to meet people for coffee, I skip nights out, I am THE WORST person at texting back. The list goes on, but you get the idea that I am pretty unreliable. Well, if I do plan something, I will do it. I don’t like bailing on things, particularly if they are important, like birthdays. I try to keep my promises. But the ‘general invite’, is the ones I skip. It sounds horribly selfish, I know that. It is one of the pitfalls of having a brain which stops you from letting go and simply enjoying life for what it is.

There is always that wee voice in my head, that stops me from doing  things. I feel like I am a big bag of misery, and I wouldn’t want to impose that on people I care about. I don’t always feel a part of situations, like I observe more than participate. I have this belief that getting too involved in something, will ruin it for everyone else. That is why I tend to keep myself to myself.

Sorry to anyone who is my friend. Sorry for letting you down and not being around more. I obviously have a lot of issues to sort out and to try and make my confidence better. I will try harder to be a better friend. Do other people have issues with being a good friend?