Today’s post is a few of my favourite photos taken from over the years.
I like graffiti, especially when it is stylised lettering. I guess another term is ‘street art’, which keeps it separate from the ‘Jonny woz ere’ scrawlings. It can sometimes give colour and character to places people would normally ignore.
I live in Scotland, mainly the Kingdom of Fife, which has lots of coastal areas and beaches. Which is scenic, but may not be perfect for a swim due to it being on the North Sea. I have read that the cold water is good for your health, but I have yet to personally experience. I don’t mind the cold, but I have my limits.
I grew up seeing the sea from my bedroom, in fact I still do. It’s something that is calming, the sounds of the waves and the smell of salt in the air. In these times, where my mental health has been so poor, being near the water has a grounding affect. If I have a bad day, I try to will myself outside for a walk, and hopefully down to the water. If I can’t, go and watch the cars drive past on the motorway, for some reason this has a similar affect.
I was speaking to a friend, who lives in the USA, and they have about 30 hours to travel to the coast. I have no idea what I’d do. Even when I stayed in a city for study, it was Glasgow and there was the Clyde. Which was great to walk along. I really feel grateful to live in Scotland, in a place where I am so close to the sea.
About 10 years ago, there were different challenges almost every month. Where people would attempt to do something creative every day over the course of a month. It could be drawing, sketching, writing blogs, recording video diaries, making songs… there were so many options. The idea was to transform a hobby that you love into a habit, in that you do it regularly. It is a sound idea, but in practice it takes a lot of dedication to do properly. Something that I always start out well with, but then stop.
I am having a lot of self-esteem issues right now. I don’t particularly like myself, and I don’t really know what to do about it. I made this promise a few months ago, where I would make attempts to improve my life by the end of the year, and have done nothing. Nothing of value anyway. And, it is making me feel really useless. Which is why I thought I would try a wee creative challenge, as being creative, writing especially, does make me feel better.
I am very good at giving up at the first obstacle. And I know it is because failure is something I expect, I start things and don’t actually think I’ll see it through to the end. I know it sounds really stupid. Why even start something that you don’t think you’ll actually complete? Optimism? I think I start thinking that I can do whatever I aim, but quickly I can get overwhelmed and frustrated by it all. So, then I break down, and everything grinds to a halt, and any progress I had made is for nothing. It is a personal trait that I do not particularly like about myself, but it is a thing that can change. It will just take a lot of effort and work.
So, that is where I thought that doing a ‘no pressure’ challenge like blogtober would maybe help. Because, there is no real consequences if I fail, but there may be real encouragement in my real life. Because, there are a lot of things that do need to change, and I NEED to be proactive. And my uni course officially starts this month, although I started looking at stuff a few weeks ago. So being proactive is the right way to be.
A lot of people seem to start new challenges in October. Are you trying something for the month?
I’m spending my late night lying on my bed, watching Bridget Jones’s Diary. It’s one of those movies that I have watched hundreds of times, to the stage it has become a thing of comfort. It is something that serves as a reminder that life is a constant battle of trial and error. The plans we have for ourselves, very rarely work out the way we hope.
As a result, it can be pretty hard to keep going, to keep trying again. It gets to the stage, where one may stop seeing the point of trying , especially when it doesn’t seem to change anything.
I guess, that all you can do is put your head down and take it one step at a time. Sometimes the steps might not be in the right direction, but they are movement somewhere. And that’s the important thing. Or at least that’s what I try to convince myself.
Education is something that I have struggled with. As a teenager, and as a working adult, you are encouraged to seek out a further education, as being educated is the only way for you to have any shape of career. My issue is with education, is that what I think I can deal with, and what I can actually deal with are two completely different things. I can easily become overwhelmed and have a habit of burying my head in the proverbial sand. Which then leaves me too far behind in whatever plans, to actually be able to do anything to fix it.
I have attempted further education multiple times, and each time I have found myself bowing out in utter failure. I used to do so well in education, especially when I was younger, and in the early years of high school. It would then get to. the point where I couldn’t prioritise what I needed to do first, so things become overwhelming. I remember being told to leave the Higher English class because my prelim exams and coursework, where not meeting the minimum grade. This is how a lot of Schools manage their exam results in league tables, give up on folk who are struggling. I am a constant writer, a bookworm since I could read, I was completely flummoxed by the fact that I couldn’t ‘do’ English. As the remarkable Ralph Wiggum says ‘Me fail English, that’s unpossible’. Because I had always felt that reading and writing was my strong point, I lost a lot of confidence. And, I think that helped make my confidence in myself fail, because if I couldn’t do something that I actually thought I was good at, what chances did I have of doing anything else?
I tried Veterinary Nursing, which I loved, but believed I was useless at it, so failed the course. It then became too expensive to continue re-submitting coursework, and then re-sitting exams, I ended up working in Greggs instead. That job frustrated me to no end, so I thought about what I could do next. Well, I loved art. So, I went to do that. Did the first year okay, but completely messed up the HNC twice. Just became so overwhelmed between doing all the coursework and then working at a call centre every evening. There was no time for everything, and I just struggled. I then started at my current job which is warehouse work. I started studying IT through the Open University. And it has been a rough ride, if I were to be honest. Again I misjudged the time I needed to do the work and have had to take a couple of gaps.
Well… it’s not over. Not yet anyway. I have applied to start another unit, slowly continuing my work towards my degree. The good thing about a place like the Open University is that they try to promote the idea of life-long learning, and that if people need to take breaks it’s okay. They have been super supportive when I said I wanted to go back, and there was no judgement, no negativity, just lots of sources for if I do run into bother again. Which, is great. I also had advice when selecting what course I wanted to pick. Normally, part-time learning at the Open University is taking 2 30 credit units per year, where each 30 credit unit is an estimated 10-15 hours a week of study. This is where I had an issue, as I work full time, more if I do overtime, and the time to study 20-30 hours a week was impossible. Hence, my previous failure. One of the advisory team at the OU stated that maybe I can try one unit this year, and see if that goes better.
So, that is where I find myself. I am still working away full time, and tomorrow, the website of my new course opens. I am studying is Communication and Information Technologies. I received the books on Saturday, and I am pretty excited to learn something new. The difference is, that I have already opened up dialogue with the support team, in the hope that no barriers crop up this year. So, that is already an improvement from the last time I studied. Onwards and upwards, as they say.
I like to think of myself as a huge music fan. Music is an amazing art form that can affect a person’s mood, give them inspiration, or just help make things a little bit bearable. I find it rather awesome that something can make someone feel better just by listening to it, the right songs with the right lyrics, can even inspire a person in their daily life. The world would be so sad without music. There are so many different genres of music, that every single person should find something to ‘vibe with’. And, the internet makes it so much easier to take deep dives into different genres or bands, where you can just type something into your music streaming service of choice, and you can get hundreds, if not thousands of related songs at the touch of a finger. As a kid, where most of my music choices came from the radio or from free CDs in magazines, this seems such an unreal concept. People are so lucky.
This comes at a cost, though. Because most music fans now consume music via online streaming platforms, like Spotify, the revenue that they used to get for releasing new material is not quite what it was. The revenues that were already being split in so many ways, now have to now factor in the fees charged by these streaming platforms, which can see artists get paid very little in royalties. So, artists have to find other ways to try and make money, and that means tours.
I remember going to gigs in my 20s, and an expensive ticket was maybe £30, at the SECC in Glasgow, but most small venues in Edinburgh were around £15. I would rarely buy merch, but would have the best time. But I would have purchased any new music, the band I was seeing, would have released in the months or weeks leading up to the gig. These days, if I were to be honest, I have missed releases from bands I like because unless you follow them on social media, you don’t get any information. Kerrang!, Rocksound, Metal Hammer, Big Cheese, Top of the Pops, Smash Hits… there were so many magazines, which had information about new albums and new tours. It is a big loss, because I used to buy loads of music magazines, because I liked lots of different bands.
When you factor all this in, the music industry has changed. Tour prices have gone up, with a lot of artists going to sports arena sized venues, and public parks, rather than the tradition music and exhibition centres. I say this, because tomorrow Oasis tickets go on sale. In Scotland, they are doing 3 nights in Edinburgh Murrayfield, the same venue played by Taylor Swift a few months ago. Standing tickets start from £150. And people are outraged. But, those same people need to remember that that very same ‘cost of living’ crisis that is effecting their electricity bills and transport costs, is effecting concerts too. I don’t thing £150 is too bad, as most people never thought they would see Oasis again. I went to the Hydro in Glasgow last night to see Blink 182 and the ticket was over £60. And that was a ticket at the nosebleeds, three rows from the back.
It was great though. And I think artists have to recoup their money from somewhere. So ticket prices do go up. But that is also because most things have gone up in price. Not every artist is a Taylor Swift or even Oasis, most bands are struggling and tours are harder and harder to put on and pull off. Promoters are struggling to sell shows, that a decade ago would sell out. People’s personal finances is also a factor, even personally. There was a time I went to over 10 gigs a year, this year I have been to 3, and it’s September round the corner. I might go to some local gigs, but nothing major.
The truth is. If you want to see bands, even at local venues, buy tickets early. Keep those gigs going, make sure that promoters don’t have to cancel. And if you want to pay over the odds for a band you really want to see live, then do it. Don’t let anyone else shame your decision. If you have saved the money, and you can afford it, you can spend your money how you want.
When you have an attack of anxiety, usually at the most inopportune moment, the advice is to try and ‘ground’ yourself. It is a method of trying to calm your mind, usually by connecting to the world around you. The idea, from my understanding, is that you try to focus on the world around you, to help get you out of the mental spiral that anxiety can cause.
There are many different ways to ground yourself, and different things work for different people. The top things that work for me, are:
To me grounding myself is about getting my mind out of whatever funk that is causing my anxiety. I understand that to a lot of people, the definition may be somewhat different. But, the world is about making things relevant to yourself, so that you can use it. Life is about seeing things in way that helps you deal with your day and make things a little more bearable. And it is a journey, it is progressive, a thing that changes over time. And, that’s okay.
I have written on here, a lot, about how I have been struggling to keep up with my hobbies. It’s mostly due to being in constant pain, whilst having crappy mental health, often leaves me no energy to try and do any of my hobbies. I just want to sit in my bed and do nothing. The trouble is, that it is not just hobbies that suffer when I am going through a bad patch. My personal relationships suffer too.
I have always been a low maintenance friend. The kind that doesn’t have to always be in contact, but will always be there if you needed them. Like I get messages from friends, just chatter or memes, and I often read them, start to reply, and then get distracted before I can actually send them. And when I wonder why I have heard nothing back, I check to see that it is me who halted the conversation. And, now it is too awkward to send anything, because the conversation is over. And it was my fault.
Any message I would subsequently send would serve as an interruption. Everyone has their own shit going on, they don’t need me turning up, with my complete lack of awareness. So I don’t send anything. And it all goes silent. I am not much better in real life, either. I will say basic chatter, that ‘how are you’, that doesn’t seem to really care how anyone is doing. Which is annoying, I do care, I just don’t really know any other way to try and start a conversation.
Conversation is a thing that has never been my strong point. My mum used to always speak of how I would be quiet at nursery or Primary School, to the point teachers would be worried about my speech. The truth was, I could talk fine, I just didn’t waste time talking to people who I didn’t want to. I’d much rather do a jigsaw puzzle or read a book. Not much has changed. I always feel awkward in conversation, where I have nothing to add, as everything in my life is boring. I either complain about being sore, or my work.
I think this is my problem. I feel like a background character, who is someone folk are aware of, but don’t particularly like. Think Kirk from the Gilmore Girls. He is a member of the town of Stars Hollow, he is a valuable member of the town (doing almost every job there is), but no one really has time for him. He is a person to be mocked and not one to befriend. That’s me.
I discovered this week that someone who I really trusted, was speaking shit about me. Making me out to be a horrible person. Now, I have my problems, but I do try to be nice to everyone. It has just shattered my confidence. Like, maybe that’s why I am such a low maintenance friend, because I don’t expect any of them to actually like me. Not really. The curse of my life is that mantra that used to be thrown about of ‘you can’t expect anyone else to l like you, if you don’t like yourself’. I have never liked myself, so I don’t expect anyone else to either.
I am aware that it is just another thing I need to work on. Great.
During my last post, I talked about trying to get my life in some kind of order. After some further thought, I decided to give myself till Christmas, as a place to assess how well things have gotten. So I have decided to focus on different things every day, do things in small bits. Because, when you simply look at the ‘bigger picture’ it can easily become overwhelming. Or, it does when I do.
Yesterday was a struggle, where I was really sore. I find it really hard to start moving, when I have no solid plans. So I lay on my bed, and felt sorry for myself. I was awake early, but I had no motivation. And that is the issue, the longer I lie, the more everything hurts. Around midday, I got a text from my friend about going to get some coffee after her work, and that appeared to be all the plan I needed. It was frustrating because I couldn’t even do the dishes because I had zero grip, which made me feel useless and I had a little cry. I then went for the bus and bought a sandwich to finally have some painkillers. Progress.
As I already knew, once I had my pain relief and had started walking around, things started to feel a lot better. I had coffee with my friend, and then I went and bought stuff for dinner. I ended up feeling so good I made my dinner, which is a rarity when I have a bad pain day. And then I finally did dishes, so despite starting off bad, I felt rather accomplished.
So, I decided that as I watched the TV during the evening, I was going to do some drawing. One of those hobbies that I have been struggling with. So I charged up my Apple Pencil, and spent around an hour doing a doodle. It wasn’t a piece of fantastic art, but it was a bit of creativity. I am fully aware it looks like a piece of crap.
Today has been a lot better. I got up and moving at a decent time. Had breakfast and pain relief at a decent hour. I then did the dishes, and decided I needed to do some laundry. 5 loads of laundry to be exact. And I organised some things in my room, which made the mess a little bit less messy. I did it whilst listening to some vinyl, namely Descendents’ Everything Sux, and NWA’s Straight Outta Compton. By focusing on what I was doing for short burst, I was quite productive. I’ve now had my dinner, half my laundry is drying on the line outside, and I am planning on having a wee read tonight, after I finish writing.
I feel like a person who can actually function today, which is rare. This is the feeling that I wanted, and one I hope to continue. I’m very good at recognising the bad days, but I need to recognise the good days more.
I am aiming to buy a car before winter. Because public transport can be chaotic as the weather gets worse. So, in a normal situation, I would pick up an extra shift at my work. Unfortunately, everyone at work is in a similar boat and also needs extra money. So, when overtime becomes available it is gone before I can get a chance to claim it for myself. And it is so annoying. I understand that a person shouldn’t rely on overtime, but it has been a thing for years, that I could turn to should I need money for anything, holidays, birthdays, MOT… So, now it has been absent for most of the year so far, and is now impossible to get.
It is not only me who is affected, with everyone I know at work in same situation. People are picking up second jobs, even third jobs, just to get by. And that means that once work decides it does need everyone to grind away at overtime, people will be unable to because they will have other commitments. The problem, for me, is that `I struggle with doing my 40 hours at my job, mostly with my arthritis. So, the prospect of being on my feet doing another job is unnerving to say the least.
One of my friends suggested using the skills I have. Which would be writing or drawing or something like that. And, although that is actually the original reason for me starting this blog over a decade ago, I am struggling keeping up with my hobbies as it is. Like, everything is currently so sore with my arthritis, even reading is hard. And, that is what worries me, that I start something to make extra cash, and then it gets too hard to continue. And the anxiety doom spiral starts.
This blog, for example, has been going for over a decade and whilst posting does happen, it is rather sporadic. Which means, as WordPress likes to tell me, my lack of regularity is no good for getting consistent viewership. Habits are hard to form, so maybe that is something to work on.
I guess the first avenue is going to be learning how to budget. Never been very good at budgeting. Can’t help thinking it should be something that should have been taught about that at High School.
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