Category: 2017
Thistly
Gone to the picture show
Today after work, I went to the cinema to see T2: Trainspotting. After a 10 hour shift, I am exhaust, and can fall asleep in front of the tv. Especially in the dark. I stayed awake though. Go me!
T2 is the sequel to 1996’s Trainspotting, a film about heroin addicts in Edinburgh. T2 is about the same group of guys, 20 years later. The film looks back fondly on the last movie, and we see how life has played out for Renton, Spud, Sick Boy and Begbie. And, there is a common theme that nobody really moves on that much, despite what we hope for.
The film is genuinely funny, but is also heartbreaking at times. It is widely known, that although based in Edinburgh, the first movie was most filmed in a Glasgow studio. This is where the larger budget comes into play, so that the film could then be filmed all over Edinburgh. In fact, Edinburgh, the trams, the airport, the castle, and car park (yes, car park), is as important in the film as the main cast.
When a sequel is released, there is always a sense of worry that it will tarnish the legacy of the original. This has definitely not happened in this occasion. In fact, there are a lot of opinions that T2 eclipses the original, much like that other T2 (Terminator 2: Judgement Day– well better than the original). I think felt like the tone was very different in this film, not so much forming around Heroin, but what addiction left behind.
The cinema is expensive these days, £11 a ticket from my local Odeon. So, because of the high cost, you have to make sure that you pick a good movie to see. Personally, i have been waiting for T2 since it was announced Ewan McGregor, Jonny Lee Miller, Ewen Bremner and Robert Carlyle were all in. The film is getting released this month worldwide, in fact US release is tomorrow (10th Feb). So if you are pondering a visit to the flicks, T2: Trainspotting should be considered your time.
Always Hungry
I am trying to eat more sensibly, to both lose weight and feel a bit better about myself. Mostly, to feel better, because no-one wants to feel like shit. So, I am trying to cut down on eating crap (mostly crisps), which is harder than what it should be. As people, with our own minds, only we can decide what goes in our bodies. For a lot of people, food is a psychological thing, it links together with our emotions. If we feel bad, have some chocolate.
So, when trying to stop that, and change things, it can be hard. Especially the whole, eating less food, but better quality. I feel good, when I can stick to plan for the day. Like I have achieved something. However, sometimes even sticking to plan, means that I get super hungry. I have read, that as long as you eat enough calories, you’ll be fine, just fill up on water. Which is great in theory. When I am at work, I am restricted to eating at break times, and I need to carry a bottle of water, should I need a drink whilst working. No fizzy juice or food allowed on the shop floor (to stop items getting damaged). Which helps, because I can’t snack, I can work and there is plenty of free water, should I need it.
But I get really hungry. Like today, nice healthy soup and an apple for lunch, but I was so hungry before the end of the shift. I have read up on this before, and there are ideas which suggest people think they are hungry, and it is all in their head. The most common reason for this happening, could be habit. For example, you could have a biscuit every day for your lunch, and you decide to cut down, so skip the biscuit, your brain makes you think you are hungry. But you aren’t, it is just a response to change. And I think that is where I have been today. Which is a pain.
When I am hungry, there can be a tendency for me to just want to go to foods which are have zero or very little waiting time. I get really lazy, and it is bad. It is perseverance that is needed. To push through the cravings, and try to plan more. But, I am rubbish at planning. Always start off with high hopes, and then fall of the horse before I’ve properly sat down. Happens with everything. Apart from this blog, actually. So, I am trying to use this blog as an example, that yes I can make new habits, and that it is actually a lot easier than i think.
Top 10 Animated Movies
Because I am a child, and am sitting here watching cartoons right now, gave me a thought for an easy list blog. Needed after the last few days.
10) Disney’s Aladdin- I love music and this film a great soundtrack. It has become a bit of a cliche, but with characters like Iago, the film goes that extra mile. As a kid, this film made me really happy, and to date I still know every word to One Step Ahead. It is one where the straight-to-video sequels (Return of Jafar and Prince of Thieves) are rather fun too.
9)The Care Bear Movie- looking back on it, the animation is shoddy and the audio synching is out, but I still like it. I think it is pure nostalgia that gets this one on the list, as the story was something that resonated with me when I was little. But… I liked animals, and this having the Care Bear Cousins was great for me. The whole idea that the world has stopped caring enough that, the Care Bear’s skyward home of Care-A-Lot is falling apart. So Funshine Bear and Secret Bear set out on a mission. They don’t do kiddy adventure like this anymore. Seriously.
8)Disney’s Lilo & Stitch- poor Lilo no pals finds a fugitive alien, and keeps him as a pet dog. This is a typical Disney film, in the sense it has fun, with the right amount of tragedy. It also has an Elvis Presley soundtrack, which marks it out as a bit different as a Disney film. Also doing that, is the whole alien and space theme, which hasn’t really taken off in Disney’s animated movies, despite previous attempts. This is another one where the home released sequels are also fun. Check out Lilo & Stitch 2: Stitch Has A Glitch and Leroy & Stitch.
7)Pokémon: The First Movie- Like most people my age in Scotland, Pokémon was the first anime most of us watched as kids. I always remember the buzz of the movie, as it ran along with the original series. Mewtwo was a pretty exciting concept, a super Pokémon. It is in a near identical tone to the original series. Team Rocket, Pikachu, Ash, Misty and Brock are all there, and it’s fun. As with much of the series, Team Rocket steal large parts of the show, with their one liners and bickering.
6)Daria: Is It College Yet?- I loved Daria, and whilst people may not include a TV movie-episode as a real movie, I do. This serves as the end of the entire series of Daria. Now, as a teenager, I don’t there was any other TV character I could resonate more with, than Daria Morgendorfer. This movie sees Daria and their classmates preparing to leave High School and head to college. This film pretty much nails that ‘end of High School’ feeling. The fear, the worry, and then realising that nothing really changes. The earlier TV movie, Is It Summer Yet, is also available and greatly entertaining.
5)Disney’s The Fox And The Hound- I have mentioned before on here that I wanted a pet fox as a kid. That was the main reason I looked at this film when I was younger. But it is great, if not tinged with sadness. A fox and a hound dog become friends, without realising they are natural enemies. This is one of the Disney films, that starts sad and ends up at an almighty climax. Talking animal movies have always been a weakness, and this is one of the best. Give the home released sequel a miss though, not a great addition at all.
4) Spirited Away- this Studio Ghibli production is just breathtaking. Little Chihiro is transported into the Spirit world, where she works for a witch to try and get home. It is a beautiful looking movie, with a fantastic storyline that sucks you in. Like, this is one of those movies, where people who ‘don’t watch cartoons’ could watch. It started to change how animated films were thought of, and really pushed anime into a bigger limelight in all corners of the world. This is just a great film to watch.
3) South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut- This film is fantastic. It, like many others on this list, runs along side the still running series. It ridicules so much, and it does it flawlessly. It is focused around the release of The Terrance & Phillip movie, and Kyle, Stan, Cartman and Kenny, need to see it. It, of course, has lots of swearing and lots of fantastic songs, especially Satan’s solo effort. It is guilty of sending lots of kids to schools singing ‘Shut your f**king face, Uncle f**ker’, which was hilarious as a 14 year old. But it was a lot of fun. Still is, the series is still running after 20 seasons, and is still as cutting as ever.
2) Disney’ The Lion King- this is going to shock a lot of people who know me, cause I adore the Lion King. It is one movie that I know word for word, and it’s talking animals, again. The songs, by Elton John and Tim Rice were spot on, as were double act, Timon and Pumba. It is one of those movies that simply comes together. This film just captivates me every time i watch it, no matter how often that is. Both sequels: Simba’s Pride and Lion King 1 1/2 are also really great.
1) Akira- this film is one that captivates people. I remember buying it on DVD, after watching it online a LOT, and my brother coming in and just getting pulled in, even though he had no idea what was happening. It is THAT kind of film. It starts, with a bike crash, and ends up scaring the living crap out of you, or it did me. It is hard to explain why this film is so good, but it is. It has a very harsh look to the animation, which along with the fantastically dark sound track, helps build an atmosphere I have never seen another animated movie do. The pain and suffering that Tetsou goes through can actually become hard to watch, but it helps build this unbelievable tension.
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Have I got it right? When thinking of this list, I assumed it would be a lot more Disney. And when I stared thinking about what an animated film can do… well, Akira had to be number 1. Is there any films any readers would add? Please let me know.
Finding Footing Again
After yesterday’s non-starter, I kind of used today as a fresh start. I become better at dealing with things, if I don’t dwell on them. Which is hard, but it is something done with baby steps.
So, whereas I spent all day watching anime, and barely moving from my bed. Human contact was something I could not deal with at all. So, whilst I automatically switched on the TV again, I used the episode endings as time to do something. So one episode finished I’d go get dressed. Very silly and dragged out to some, but it actually worked. Slowly I got up, and did something with my day. That something was just nipping into town, but it was better than nothing.
The days after a really bad period are pretty slow. Something intentional, to kind of move forward slowly, rather than not at all. It is a method I have learnt over time. If I try to throw myself into things too much, I just end up back at square one, as if bouncing of an invisible wall.
Sometimes it is easier to focus on failure, and this ability to lose control of how I feel. I try to get the idea in my head of wasting time, which pushes me to move forward. I can be stubborn sometimes, and I certainly think that has helped me with dealing with my mental health. But being stubborn can also backfire, when I am feeling low and am too set in my mind, that I won’t even try to get up.
But as those worldly philosophers Timon and Pumbaa do say ‘you have to leave your past, behind you’.
Hakkuna Matata!
Lost Day
Today is Sunday, and it is the worst I have felt in quite a while. It has come from nowhere, which is probably one of the more frustrating parts. I don’t really know where this feeling came from, the feeling of hopelessness, but it showed it’s face today.
I have heard before, that keeping busy can keep the problems of mental health at bay. Now, that is something that seems over-simplified, but there is an idea of truth in it. When I am working away, I can get anxious, but can kind of work through it. However, when there is nothing getting done, the bad thoughts come into play. I woke up this morning, around 10.30, with plans to get up and be busy. Make the best of my day off. But I just couldn’t pull myself out of bed. I just lay there. I dozed a little, but I mostly just felt crap.
When I am feeling like this, I kind of clamp up. I get stuck between contacting someone to distract me, and not doing anything so I don’t ‘burden’ anyone. This reaction, is not new, its something that has been born out of years trying to deal with my mental health on my own. Something that shuts people out, because it is embarrassing that I am struggling with a life that is not actually that difficult.
Depression is vicious. It takes time. It needs understanding. But it sometimes gets neither. So I have to do it for myself. I have been having problems with depression most of my life, I can say that now, first started when i was 15, am now 32. Never spoke to anyone till I was in my 20s, I just needed to ‘grow up’. But physical growth does not equal mental growth, so nothing changed. I had to make it change. Which I have fought hard to do. A fight that so many people I know don’t know of, let alone acknowledge. I guess that is what mental health does. Makes so many people battle themselves in private, and nobody else knows of their debilitating pain.
Luckily for me, whilst I can’t tell people that I am having a bad spell, I can write it. It might not be the most grammatically correct, but it is a release. It is easier to sit in front of my computer for an hour, typing away, than it is to sit in front of another person and explain what is ‘going on’. I have tried to speak to people before, been called selfish, self-centered, stupid, childish… all whilst they stare me down. Sometimes, negative commentary from others, actually reinforces what is going round in my head.
It’s complicated. And I hate it.
But sometimes, it is easier to say I am sick. People will accept stomach bugs without question, when I want to lie in bed all day.
The Best Time
It’s been one of those weeks. A slow week, where time just seems to progress so slowly, that time seems to go backwards occasionally.
The only thing about getting through a slow week, is the relief when that working week is over. As soon as you walk out the doors of your work, it can be good knowing that moment is the longest possible time before you have to go back.
It’s not that I hate my work, I actually do enjoy it. Great people, the job can be varied and it is a way to pay the bills. However, having a period of free time ahead of you is better than working. Yes, everyone knows it. Unless you are one of the lucky few, who works their ‘dream job’. But i don’t. I work in a warehouse. It’s surprising that I find it good. No grumpy customers, no sales incentives, it is nice.
But the weekend is here. And that is time to visit friends. Go to the gym. Spend time with family. Just do the things that make me happy. And that is a requirement.
Sing a Happy Happy Song
I am totally back into being all happy and in love with art again. Which, for the record, makes me happier than anything.
I feel so lucky to be able to work all my frustrations out by drawing or painting. It is a great feeling.
I still do get my good and bad days, where all I want to do is sit in my bed and cry, but I have my coping mechanism. A lot of people don’t have anything as a release.
Another thing I obviously have as a release is music, I love music. It inspires me so much, but on days like today, I left my headphones at home. So no music home on the bus. It is so frustrating, as it kind means I can sometimes be wound up by work by the time I get home. Music takes that away.
The Saving Problem
I read a thing somewhere last week, where by the age of 30, a person should have at least 3 months of their pay in a savings account. Safe to say, that at 32, I have nowhere near that much saved. I probably have made wrong choices, but I am trying to change my ways.
I have always had a problem with money. Live more ‘in the moment’ rather than ‘save for a rainy day’. Which in hindsight is not the best way to live. When I started having problems with my mental health, I would get satisfaction buying useless things. Like it gave a sense of control, which sounds silly really. But it’s true, especially when an illness like depression can take away all control from you.
The problem with depression, that it is something that never really goes. It leaves behind scars and bad habits. And those bad habits can take a long time to beat. So, baby steps are needed. I am plan better, plan outgoings and incomings. It’s new. But, part of dealing with mental problems is actually properly working to get control of things. Or try, anyway.
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