Category: 2017
Back to normal
I have been off work for the last week. Needed some time away from work, which everyone needs at some point. I had a week of catching up with friends, and enjoying not having an alarm go off at 5.30am.
But, as with every holiday, the week went too fast, and today was my first day back at work. Back to where I was before I went away. Which is a bit stressy, to be honest. Recently I have been working in a different department with a brand new process. And I am finding that it is triggering my anxiety something awful. Before I went away on holiday, I was having to head to the toilet several times a day, because I was panicking. Which is not nice. It is embarrassing.
I do power through and do my best, but it’s really draining. And today, it felt like I was just back to the same place again. All that relaxing, and i still get worked up over nothing.
I am trying to push myself. I will get to where I need to, but like anything, it takes time. I just have to be patient and not give up. Which, is rather tempting. But nope, got to hustle and get shit done. Own the situation properly.
Life is deer
Today I went to The Scottish Deer Centre, which is a wildlife park by Cupar in Fife. The park hosts 12 types of deer, as well as wolves, Scottish Wildcat and Northern Lynx. A lot of the animals used to live in the wild in Scotland, but as things have changed, they are no longer present.
I have always been funny about zoos and the like, especially when the animals are kept in tiny enclosures. But that didn’t seem to be the case here. There is a whole ‘buy food pellets for the deer’ thing I really wasn’t sure of. I always think animals should be better in the wild. But maybe I should look into it more, and see what problems the wildlife in this country are experiencing. I mean it’s all fine and well repopulating a species for an area, if the problems in that area aren’t fixed. Because all that is going to happen, is that some animals will be released all in vain. Which is horrible.
The whole park, I believe, is a converted Farm. So all the buildings, like the gift shop and the indoor play area, are all part of the original farm. Inside the play area, local schools have decorated the walls with murals of animals found at the park. It gives the idea that the park is a part of the community, which is nice. Although, with some areas peeling, maybe the the idea could be re-done.
Bad Connection
You don’t need to read very much here, to realise that I can get stressed out over nothing. Silly things, can have such an adverse effect on my mood. It doesn’t even really matter what it is, really. But that happens to everyone.
These days, we are so used at getting anything we want so easily. Years ago, if we wanted to know anything, we would have to have went to a library and researched. Now? A simple internet search can find you everything from historical information, to recipes, to watching cartoons. No longer do people have to wait months for new programmes to air in their respective countries, they can find an online service to stream content the same day as it is aired in the country of origin. I tell you now, my 12 year old self, would be utterly spellbound by this concept alone.
However. The internet becoming so important in daily life, does create an issue. Especially, when like today, your connection to the internet is a steaming pile of donkey shit. Yes, my internet connection, both my home broadband, and mobile 4G, have been playing up. It means, that it has taken till this time of night (10.30pm) before I could get a connection steady enough to post this. That is flaming ridiculous. Couldn’t listen to Spotify, couldn’t watch Naruto (sshhhh… don’t judge) and I had problems messaging my friend, because I use Whatsapp or Facebook messenger. I was angry. For most of the day.
It does make me think, what would I do if there was no internet. If I wanted to sit by the TV, I’d have to put on a DVD or stick to the schedules, instead of watching Youtube or … Naruto. (I am obsessed with Naruto, like a child, all over again.) I think it is very easy to take for granted on how simple it is to stay in contact with people, thanks to services such as Facebook. A service that can even link with your calendar on your phone or PC, to remind you of events or birthdays. The internet has simplified so much, that when it isn’t there, we come to a loss. If there is no connection to the web, everything can seem like it takes so much more extra effort.
Maybe we have just got lazy.
Another Year Older
Birthdays used to be fun. They used to mean parties, being spoilt rotten, and the promise of getting older. When you are little, it feels like the world has all these possibilities, that you need to get older to do. It was exciting, it was fun.
Now, in my 30s, that is no longer the case. In fact, my last few birthdays have included time where I have sat on the floor and cried my eyes out. Feeling like I have wasted another year, and that I am never progressing in anything other than age. It always puts a downer on stuff.
I guess a lot of the feelings around birthdays come from others. It is an automatic reaction to look at those around you, and assess how they are doing compared to you. And, well, I have always assumed everyone is much further ahead than me, especially as I’ve got older. Folk are having kids and getting married, and I am not anywhere related to that. Any progress I do make, is slower than a bloody snail. For example, passed my driving test last year, still don’t have a car.
Things are different this year. Though it might not appear so. I am working hard to be better. I am making progress, which is better than none. Babies, moving house, getting a dog, new job, it doesn’t matter what progress is, as long as you move forward, you doing okay. Which is why I am trying to stop comparing my life to others. Yes, most of my friends actually have a career, or a house, or a partner, but they don’t equal anything other than personal growth. And people grow at different speeds.
Or that’s what I am trying to convince myself anyways. Here’s to being 33. Let’s improve on last year.
Bridged A Gap
The Queensferry Crossing is due to open by September 2017.
The Forth Rail Bridge opened in March 1890.
Sometimes it is crazy to see how far engineering has come. And it has been great to see this new bridge take shape.
When complete, the Firth of Forth will be a rare sight of 3 different style bridges all built in 3 different centuries all side-by-side. It’s pretty cool.
Oh, The Pain Of It All
I get sore. Nothing really serious, but bad enough that it such an annoyance. I get sore bits, usually joints that get a bit stressy, and decide to swell up, just to punish me for thinking I could do something. Sounds a little bit melodramatic, but it is true.
For example, when I spend my first day at work for the week, I end up with a swollen, hard to walk on, ankle. It has always been some kind of issue, but I kind of made it worse. On my first day as a permanent associate at my work, just over 3 years ago, I fell down the stairs and landed really bad on my ankle. I had to go to the hospital, and had to take a week off to ‘rest’. Yes, I know, bet my work was glad they decided to keep me around, getting injured to celebrate a permanent job. But since then, my ankle has become weak. The doctor I spoke to at the time, said that I had seriously sprained the tendon up the back of my ankle, and that it would normally take between 9 months and a year to heal. That is if I worked an office job, sitting on my rear all day. I don’t. I work in a warehouse, where I am on my feet for 10 hours a shift. So… ankle probably never got the chance to heal. And now, I can sprain it really easy, and that first day back at work, as mentioned above, I end up hobbling about like an OAP.
It is frustrating, but not anything that I haven’t had before. When I worked in a shop, not long after I finished High School, I had a lot of pain in my hands and arms. The doctor, that time, felt it looked like tendonitis. Something which can be caused by ‘over use’, that causes the swelling in pain. I was given pain killers, and after some time off work, I just got on with things. When I was even younger I would have issues too, like when taking the family dog for a walk, she would pull at her lead (especially when she saw another dog) and I would have to hold on tight not to lose her. After the walk was done, I always felt a slight ache in my hand.
It is probably the wrong avenue to take, but I have always just got on with it. Tonight I have a sore left shoulder and a sore right ankle, and I have no idea how I am going to get any sleep tonight. It has become something that is an annoyance to me, something that I take a wee bit Ibuprofen the days its really sore, and just soldier on through the rest. Some days are worse than others. But I can deal. Which comes with another annoying thought. How can I put up with the physical pain, when I crumble at times with the mental pain I suffer?
It is just proof that not all pain is equal. The pain I get in after a day at work, is nothing compared to the utter hopelessness I can feel when I wake up in the morning. But in this world, physical pain is always the thing to be cured, mental pain is often ignored. And that is sad.
TV Binge
How annoying is normal TV? You have to work with a schedule which usually only allows you to watch one episode, once a week. There are very few programmes where I have the patience to do that with. The last show on TV that I actually watched with the schedules was Death In Paradise. Which is a bit like Midsummer Murders, on a Caribbean Island. It is something that I could easily watch after a day at work, something that would normally be dubbed as ‘Sunday Night TV’. But that is about it.
If I don’t watch the scheduled TV, then what do I watch? Mostly a mixture of things from Youtube, Netflix or Crunchyroll. I like watching stuff this way, because I can watch content that I like, that I find engaging. Which is a good thing, it is important to fill your time up with things that you find interesting. And there is usually enough content which could keep you entertained for hours. Just one episode after another.
The problem is, most of the animes on Crunchyroll, or vlogs on Youtube are short. At the most they are only 20 minutes long, which is a nice manageable size for a programme. It also means, it is very easy to watch through multiple episodes. Whereas, long programmes, like one on Netflix, can last about an hour. Now because the storyline is stretched out to cover that amount of time, it might not be as fast paced as the shorter programmes. This has lead me to have a bit of an attention problem with shows that have longer running times. I can maybe make it through a couple episodes, but then that’s it.Whereas I can watch anime for hours, like I re-watched Naruto and managed all 220 episodes in under a week.
When speaking to people, I understand that less and less people are watching what is scheduled on the standard channels. People now have the ability to watch what they want, and they are utilising that ability. It just makes me wonder, how much power do the TV networks actually have, now their audience share is going to other places to get content. It was bad enough when satelite TV came into play, with all these different channels. Like for years in the UK, we had 4 basic channels, and then it increased to 5, and with the digital switchover, every home had access to more and more channels. Which means the audience is split between all these channels, and that is not including the audience that streams their content online. Obviously this means that the networks (other than the BBC), make less money, so I would like to know how stuff is going to change. Are we actually going to see a bigger variety of programming?? Hopefully so.
Back to Business
Posts have been on and off since the start of March. And despite feeling useless when it comes to writing anything at all, I have tried to plod along. Which is fine, but me being me, it is still highly frustrating. I know that I can create more stuff, but it is difficult.
There is a difficult balance, trying to not allow creativity to become a burden, and also continuing to push myself to do more. There is always that fear, that you can put too much pressure on yourself, and that can end up becoming more of a hindrance rather than a help. So, I am trying to push myself to do more, but try not to think too critically if it doesn’t happen. Which is hard.
At the end of the day, writing is a hobby that I have, that is very freeing to me. It allows me either clear my mind or focus on one topic, depending on what I write. But both these things, do help me feel better. And that is what I love about creativity. It allows your mind a break from whatever normally stresses you out. Which is something that all people need. A break. Life, no matter how mundane it may appear, has the ability to stress people out. And it is only through constant learning, and self-improvement, that we are able to experience less stress. It is a lot of hard work, but it is worth it.
The best way to get back on track, is to make the best of the opportunities where I do feel creative. I need to really start utilizing the ‘schedule posts’ features. So I can have posts ready to go. But that is all preparation. A general thing that I need to get better at. I am usually far too lazy. One thing at a time though. slow progress is better than no progress.
Not What I Wanted
I have always been one of these people who have two effort levels. Either I obsessively do it, or I just can’t be bothered. This is mostly encouraged by how well I do at something. If I put effort in, and things go well, I will push and push towards a goal. All good. If I put that same effort and fail, I find it really hard to put any more effort into it.
I know that what I am saying isn’t that uncommon. In fact, most people probably have the same issues. If is something that happens in life, and people just have to accept it. But the problem is, that if I don’t try again at something, my brain builds this thing up. Something that is probably of no real concern to anyone, can start to cause me to panic. It is horrible.
When I was at school, I remember that I had two extremes whenever I sat a test. I would either smash it, or I would completely bomb. If I was going to make a mistake, I wouldn’t just make one, I’d make ten. And that is something that has continued with me as I go on. I think that a big part is paranoia and lack of confidence. Like, if I think i am doing well, it is all fine. But if I find out I did one thing wrong, i fuck up everything.
It’s hard. I can get so flustered over making silly mistakes. I get upset, because I feel so stupid. I get it in my head that I shouldn’t be making such silly mistakes, I should know better. And I feel worse, and then make more mistakes because I am too busy scolding myself.
The thing no one ever teaches you at school, college or any work place, is how to give yourself a break. It is a foreign concept. But not everyone thrives on constant pressure.
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